Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

lettersfromdean:

dyamirityofthelord:

okay my teacher wanted a story that’s gonna shock him

so i wrote him a cute little story about a couple fletcher and mia falling in love

and the last sentences of story are

“so… what is your full name? i mean what is mia short for?”

“michael”

because my teacher is kinda homophobic, i am gonna force him into enjoying a fluffy love story with no gender pronouns and well what a shame you liked a story about a gay couple sorry man

don’t even apologize

maryjfoxx:

colettel04:

If you were ever told or were made to learn cursive writing when you were in grade school.
I wanna see how many of you suffered like I did.

“Oh , you need to know this.
Everything in high school needs to be turned in In cursive.”

I mean…I exclusively took notes in cursive for all of freshman and sophomore year of high school and college because it stopped people from asking to photocopy my notes.

hamiltonpublic:

jumpingjacktrash:

roachpatrol:

-so much desert that you will get scared 

-seriously from california to new mexico is terrifying like it’s eight straight hours of pale red desert and the sky is so large that everything, even your car, even your hands, looks like a tenuously small and fragile diorama placed on an endless pale red table and left there to dissolve. 

-a gas station that for some reason has large dinosaurs made out of scrap metal. they are 1000% awesome. sometimes they move. take a million pictures.

-a fruit stand that sells the best fruit you have ever eaten. later you won’t quite remember which fruit. strawberries, maybe? peaches?

-small black birds, subtly different in every state. some have gold eyes and some are a little iridescent and some are black from beak to toes. the sparrows they compete with for crumbs look exactly the same wherever you go. 

-a completely empty rest stop. no one eats at the concrete tables. no one plays in the tiny strip of grass or gravel. you will find a small and beautiful stone. 

-a hawaii license plate, somewhere around ohio. i still don’t know how they get the cars across the ocean. i don’t know why anyone would leave hawaii for ohio. i don’t know why anyone lives in ohio. 

-an incredibly weird duck. you had no idea ducks could look so incredibly weird, and you wish you were still ignorant of how incredibly weird ducks can, apparently, look. 

-a small folksy roadside waystation that sells fudge and incredibly tacky statues of eagles and wolves and cowboys. if you like fudge, eat the fudge from here. 

-a lizard doing pushups. if you are particularly fortunate: many lizards doing pushups.

-approximately one gajillion starbucks shops. don’t bother counting them. it will make you angry. 

-a storm somewhere around oklahoma, if you’re lucky. the clouds tower up in fantastic fluffy castles miles and miles into the air and are painted pink and gold and purple and the sky turns a dozen impossible shades of blue and when the rain comes down over your car it sounds like the world is ending. 

-weird burrs will stick to your legs. you’ll flick them out of the car eighty or eight hundred miles from where their parent plant was grown, and not be sure whether you should wish the little hitchikers well or not. 

-a dog wearing sunglasses with his head hanging out of a car window. this will be the high point of the trip. 

-the world’s most depressing restaurant. you will know it when you wind up there and have to eat the terrible food, and listen to the terrible music, and look at all the listless waiters and want to tell them get in my car, for god’s sake get in, i’ll take you out of whatever crapsack little town this is that you can’t get out of on your own. but you won’t say that because it’s rude. maybe they have family here. maybe they even like it here.

-a painting of a sailboat in a motel located at least a hundred miles from any significant body of water. 

-several genuinely hilarious postcards. buy them.

-a cat that will not let you pet it. this will be the low point of the trip. 

-corn. so much corn you will get scared. who the fuck is going to eat all this corn? 

-a small stream in some small woods and the light will come down perfectly and the water will be beautiful and the grass will be beautiful and there will be flowers maybe or the leaves of the trees are starting to turn gold and there are birds chirping and it will be so perfect you will want to stand there and stay forever and live in this little magical painting off the side of the highway and be some kind of highway druid. but instead, you’ll get bored after a while, and get back in the car. 

if anyone ever wonders why i love america so much despite its many political and cultural flaws, this is why. this post explains it perfectly.

Yes but this barely even covers the east cost bc you will experience great things such as
-a highway that is so desolate, all you can see are trees. You will have to pee, but the next exit won’t be for another 20 miles so have fun
-bridge after bridge after bridge. Who even builds a road over all these rivers and streams and stuff?
-so many deer. They just want to cross the road, but instead they will just stare at you and will be content to do for another half an hour
-restaurant after restaurant painted with little lobsters wearing chefs hats, apparently cooking other lobsters
-more trees. Trees everywhere.
-what state are we in? It doesn’t matter, you’re in New England, you will be in a new one soon
-you will learn to hate the beach because for some reason, people really like the ocean and have to get there, so you will be stuck in traffic for hours and hours just because it’s a nice beach day. It doesn’t matter how far you are from the coast. If you are in a state that touches the ocean, you will experience the beach traffic
-A road that probably hasn’t been paved since it was made, so you make a humming noise just to hear your voice shake with the bumps
- so many trees. All you can see are trees. Trees everywhere.

Also if you’re road tripping through New England get in touch with your inner Stephen King because you will encounter:

- an abandoned playground with one swing creaking along dismally
- a creepily cheerful town that is certainly hiding something because of the sheer insistence that it is hiding nothing (there is a town near where I live that gives me the screaming meemies, I can admit that)
- an abandoned tricycle with one wheel creaking along dismally (I shit you not)
- fogs that wisp in from nowhere and settle down like it’s their sole desire in life to blind you
- an abandoned house with at least two extensions stuck one in front of another, possibly with someone living in the latest extension while the roof of the original creaks dismally (there’s one down the street from me)
- at least one Christine-style car a day
- pseudo-abandoned boats creaking dismally in the harbor if you’re on the coast
- a road paved with such obsessive regularity you may wonder if there’s a body or some other secret that potholes might uncover underneath; alternatively, roads that have potholes so big they could feasibly swallow small children and pets
- And last but not least
- bring a map, because there are a lot of roads that look completely different depending on which direction you’re driving (and let’s face it, that advice the old man at the diner gave you of “it’s right past the big barn that burned down five years ago” probably isn’t that helpful, now is it)

alloverthegaf:

even-and-auds:

alloverthegaf:

Seduce me with hilariously awkward stories from your life

Oh have I got one for you.

So, I grew up in a financially strapped household with lots of kids. So we were always buying in bulk. Cheap bulk. It lead to us getting things like this, a 6 lb can of cheap peanut butter:

Now, we’d always had this in the house since a main staple was PB toast, PB sandwich (no J sometimes cause we didn’t have it) and just spoonfuls of PB to help with acid reflux, sore throats, quick snack or just a way to keep 4 hyperactive kids quiet for a few minutes in the same manner of watching a dog lick the roof of it’s mouth for a while after giving it a glob of the PB.

Ever since I was about 6 or 8, I’ve always had a certain urge every time I saw a brand new can of this opened (Which was roughly once every two months) and that was to just shove my whole arm into the can. At that age, it would have easily gone up to my elbow. I don’t know why I felt this urge, but I did. Luckily, I suppressed it….Until I was 14.

I’m 14, home alone after school and making some PB toast for a snack when lo and behold…I get to peel open a brand spanking new can and mar up that perfectly smooth surface. This was a rare occurrence and I wanted to savor it. What would I write in it with the knife for the next person to find? Do I try to carve something into it? Then I remembered my childhood urge of wanting to just shove my arm into it.

I do it. I don’t point my fingers to make it easy, no, it’s open palm hand print with fingers splayed as I shove my hand into a cardboard can full of 6 lbs of PB and it is glorious. I didn’t care that physics dictates that stuff and mass means that PB was being pushed up and out. It was fairly viscous and stuck mostly to my exposed arm. I got almost all of my forearm in this and wiggled my fingers. I pulled my arm out and looked at the massive blob of PB and giggled thinking of the old classic movie “The Blob”. I didn’t use a knife and just rubbed the toast on my PB gauntlet and that’s when I heard it…

A key unlocking the front door.

OH SHIT. I was scrambling to get my hand back in the can to scrape off the mass of peanut butter and clean up this mess. I don’t register the multiple voices until I hear my mom call my name and I look up. She was standing there with her friends that she had invited over looking at her eldest and first born, 14 year old, 3.5 GPA rocking daughter trying to scrape 6 lbs of PB off her arm and into a can. 

There was no talking my way out of this or explaining any of it. We stared at each other for what must have been a solid minute before she just guided her friends out of the kitchen and left me to finish cleaning up my mess.

We stopped buying the 6lb cans of peanut butter after that.

WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS ONE EARLIER

lupinatic:

siriuslesss:

acewolfstar:

sadgaywerewolf:

Remus Lupin fought alongside Frank and Alice Longbottom in the Order of the Phoenix. He probably knew their fate, how they were tortured into madness and forced to leave their son in the care of his grandmother. 

Lupin probably guessed that Neville’s biggest fear would be similar to what he guessed Harry’s would be- Lord Voldemort, or in Neville’s case the death eater who tortured his parents - and was planning on stepping in before Neville faced the boggart so a bunch of 13 year olds wouldn’t see Bellatrix Lestrange cackling and spitting curses in their classroom. 

But then Severus Snape insults Neville in front of his class, tries to shame a 13 year old boy in front of a new teacher, and Lupin is so angry. Because he had hoped that after 13 years, now they were adults, maybe Snape had gotten over himself a little and realized that he was a teacher and responsible for these kids, but apparently not. Apparently Snape was still the same petty, angry ,bitter child that he’d been in school, except now he’s bullying children half his age instead of yelling slurs at classmates. 

And so Lupin sees the terror in Neville’s face and realizes that, oh my god he fears his potions teacher more than the people responsible for his parents. And Lupin is so indignant and outraged that he KNOWS he has to give this kid some leverage, some way to stand up to his tormentor, and gives that to him. Lupin stands up and tells Neville EXACTLY how to conquer his fear and, moreover, how to do it in front of all his classmates who laughed at him for being scared.

Remus Lupin starting off the school year by letting his students confront their biggest fears, so nothing else they face that year will be as scary. If you can beat your biggest fear, how bad can a test be? Or a big quidditch match? Or being rejected by the girl you ask out? 

Remus Lupin truly, deeply, cared about his students. And Snape got him fired.

FCUK THIS IM SCREAMIGN

FUCKING SHIT WHATS THIS MADNESS IM SO HURT

The best thing about the Boggart scene was that Remus finally succeeded in doing in adulthood what he had failed to do in his adolescence - he stood up for a bullied kid and gave him the power he needed at the expense of the bully, even though he had a reason to let the bully’s actions slide.

houseborgia:

wildwildeyes:

houseborgia:

people’s opinions on book five harry are what make and break a relationship tbh

How people handle different opinions on book five Harry are what make or break a relationship tbh

no. i shouldn’t have to ‘handle’ or tolerate people dismissing the effects of child abuse or post-traumatic stress by labelling them as dramatic or rude. he watched a friend die the previous year, he was close to being murdered by the man who killed his parents, he was being ridiculed by the community for telling the truth. people called him an attention seeker, people he thought were friends didn’t believe his story and he had to go to school with the children of death eaters who stood by as voldemort tried to kill him. he was almost expelled and dismissed from the wizarding world for protecting himself and dudley from a dementor, which the ministry refused to believe. he was essentially tortured by umbridge, being forced to lie about all the horrific things he had experienced. and while all this was happening, he was also being mollycoddled by the order, kept in the dark about plans and blatantly ignored by dumbledore when all he needed was for his pain to be realised. i am not going to tolerate anyone insulting harry during ootp because they cannot understand the effects of abuse, neglect or PTSD.

Especially since child abuse/neglect and depression and losing friends and being publically humiliated for protecting yourself (don’t believe me? two words: victim shaming), et cetera, et cetera, all actually happen in reality.  Harry might be a fictional character, but there are plenty of people I know who read that book and went “Hey, I remember screaming at friends because they were just the last fucking straw and I felt bad about it later but at the time I just didn’t know what else to do.”  I was one of them, round about the tenth time I read the books.  Rereading the books now, after a couple go-rounds on the ‘I was assaulted in public and when I punched the guy in the face/kicked him in the balls the room full of witnesses laughed at me’ ride, I’m still one of them.  People’s opinion about book five Harry tells me what their opinion about me three, four, five years ago will be.  And believe you me, that can make or break a relationship damn quick, so how about you silencio your ass.

Relatedly, anyone who tells me that I need to stop reading these books as I get older is going to take an Avada Kedavra straight to the fucking face.  These books mean something to me.

funkneto:

• Aries: You want society to accept you, but you can’t even accept yourself.
• Taurus: I could feel them, their isolation, their hopes, their ambitions. I tell you… We can start something incredible, Erik. We can help them.
• Gemini: Would you like to see another magic trick?
• Cancer: There’s so much more to you than you know, not just pain and anger. There’s good in you too, and you can harness all that.
• Leo: Have you ever looked at a tiger and thought you ought to cover it up?
• Virgo: Don’t spoil this for me, Erik.
• Libra: Let’s just say I’m Frankenstein’s monster. And I’m looking for my creator.
• Scorpio: Shaw’s got friends. you could do with some.
• Sagittarius: Erik, no!
• Capricorn:  Peace was never an option.
• Aquarius: What an adorable lab rat you make, Charles.
• Pisces: Go fuck yourself. 

tathrin:

Or that she was a vibrant, interesting, caring, funny person.

And also an Auror, which is basically a Dark Wizard-catcher which is like the most badass career you can have in the Wizarding World except for, I don’t know, dragon-wrangling probably. She was the last Auror trained by Alastor Moody before he retired and she was actually quite good at her job, btw.

Also her hair was not a fucking mood ring. She was a metamorphmagus, which means that she possessed a rare and special brand of magic that allowed her to change her appearance at will.

Except when she temporarily lost that power while she was suffering through a period of bleak depression in the middle of a war that she had chosen to fight despite the fact that the government, whom she worked for as the youngest and newest Auror at the Ministry, didn’t want to acknowledge and so she risked losing her job (at the least) for her efforts on behalf of the Order but fought for them anyway. This happened after the death of her cousin, Sirius, whom she didn’t really know well because he’d been in Azkaban most of her life but they were both members of the ancient and noble House of Black that had kicked them both out for breaking their pure-blood rules (although in her case it was her mother who had been disowned; she had never been accepted into the family in the first place) and so they probably bonded over that a bit and of course she had been the one dueling her Aunt Bellatrix before, so she was probably a little guilty for not taking her down, too–never mind that Bellatrix Lestrange was on the top-ten list of “most dangerous Dark Wizards” and the mere fact that she survived a fight with her deranged auntie was fucking impressive and it wasn’t her fault that Sirius didn’t. He had also been best friends with the dude she fell in love with, this Remus Lupin guy, a shabby professor with a massive inferiority complex and a case of lycanthropy who rejected her because he was didn’t think he was good enough for her, and to be fair she was risking social ostracization by dating a werewolf but she didn’t care and said as much without hesitation, and the two of them got married just as full-war broke out and then he panicked and ran out on her again when he found out she was pregnant but he came back and she forgave him and they were a happy family for like two seconds before they both died in the last battle against Voldemort and they left their son to be raised by his grandmother, the aforementioned witch who was kicked-out of the Black Family for marrying a muggle-born, a.k.a. Tonks’s dad who had died just a little bit earlier and who they named their son after.

Oh and she was clumsy, like seriously clumsy, like that one glimpse you get of Tonks tripping on her way into the meeting with the Order of the Phoenix at the start of the fifth movie? Yeah that was it, that was Tonks. That was pretty much the only proper moment with her we got. (Even the “don’t call my Nymphadora” bit was botched, ugh.) And the really baffling part is that they cast an actress who pretty much is Tonks and then managed to…not have her be herself? Somehow? Because David Yates is an amazing director. As in, I am constantly amazed by him.

Also she usually had bubblegum pink hair when she was happy–because she liked the color not because she was a fucking mood ring. Just for the record.

hythe:

harry potter is one of those fandoms i always think i’ve gradually moved on from… but then i’ll hear someone say “you know, i think snape was a great guy” or “all slytherins are evil” and i’ll literally vault over three tables and a small elephant to debate them face-to-face

andqueer:

andqueer:

andqueer:

hi. I’m nor, I’m an agender disabled trans sex worker & for the past few months I’ve been having a really rough time financially. Due to health issues, having to drive long distances to get reasonable trans and otherwise health care, having multiple serious injuries, household & out of household abuse, and pursuing getting a diagnosis for my arthritis & inflammatory physical issues, I havent barely been able to make enough money for survive & I am about $1000 in the red over medical bills, parking tickets, back rent & utilities, among other things. & the fact that I’m selling what I own of any value on eBay is not making any dent in that at all.

i would find a way to live in my car or travel constantly, but it’s extremely important that I stay in my current home and pay rent to both financially and emotionally keep my trans queer family afloat.

it would be tremendously helpful if you could donate (via the PayPal donate button on my blog) even just one dollar. If you can’t do that, it would be really helpful if you could reblog this post. Thanks

Hey so rn I’m at about $370 && it would also be helpful if I could get $150 to help Nicky make her rent this month (we’re sharing a paypal acct)? So that’s

370/1150. Thanks a ton so far for donations & for all yr signal boosting!! However, I would really like to meet that goal so if anyone could donate like even $1 (& if not like please signal boost if you can), like anything or like if you have money in Amazon gift cards you could send it to me on amazon(inbox me ab that) its rlly easy to turn that into food among a lot of other things (gas, etc).

No one has donated in like 4 or 5 days at least & no one is really reblogging it. I don’t want to be unappreciative, but I rlly rlly need your continued help at the moment.

dyinghistoric:

spiarmfs:

gavinfreeappreciation:

des-is-scum:

she-wolf707:

equilateralwaffle:

legolokiismighty:

tafffypulller:

skerples:

female-anti-feminist:

foxysmoulder:

but really guys

tampons/pads marketed to young kids who just started getting their periods

should be a thing

wrappers with dinosaurs and planets and glitter and cats and sea creatures 

make kids feel comfortable about something natural that happens to their bodies. 

and for goodness sake

don’t sexualize it

No. Actually. Why do you need this? You don’t. Getting your period means you are starting to mature, which means you need to drive them AWAY from needless things like that. Also, you all bitch enough as it is about paying for these things, imagine how much more money companies will charge for those things? Or, maybe EDUCATE them, so they will already feel comfortable about it. Jesus fucking christ. 

Tell that to ten-year-old me, who still hadn’t had the period talk yet in school. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I was dying. Then my mother comes up to me and says with a smile “You’re becoming a woman!” I didn’t want to grow up yet. I was ten. Fucking ten and was told to start to grow up. My mom wanted me to get away from silly little kids things because I’m fucking bleeding out my goddamn vagina.

Also some people are children at heart and like to be silly and having a dinosaur-patterned maxi-pad would be pretty fuckin’ hilarious and I’m sure there’d be a huge market for that.

Not all people with vaginas are stoic and serious and want the same frilly, swirly boring-ass pads and tampons.

Plus if you’ve been having a miserable day and say you bought the character variety pack of pads. Sitting in the bathroom stall wanting to stab everyone and you open up some baby dinosaur pads. You’ve got dinosaurs in your underwear. No ones gonna ruin your day now.

U by Kotex has these, Tween pads. Sparkly box, cute designs on the pad and wrapper. There are even “period facts and myths” in each box, and the inner wrapper has instructions for how to use a pad properly. What’s more is they are smaller than standard pads. (I use these pads because I’m a petite person). Best part? Everywhere I buy them, one box of pads is less than $5. 

^^^^^^^ THESE ARE THE BEST BTW. VERY SOFT AND FUN AND COLORFUL. DID YOU KNOW THAT EVEN SEEING PRETTY COLORS CAN LIFT YOUR MOOD? I DIDN’T. NOW I DO.

BUT REALLY THESE ARE THE BEST OK

BECAUSE WHEN MY TEN-YEAR-OLD SISTER GOT HER PERIOD SHE WAS SUPER SCARED BUT I GAVE HER MY PACK AND SHE’S LIKE THIS LOOKS KINDA COOL AND NOW SHE THINKS SHE’S SO AWESOME AND COOL BECAUSE SHE WEARS COLORFUL PADS WITH SHOOTING STARS AND HEARTS ON THEM AND SHE’S SO CONFIDENT IT’S SO AWESOME

SO YOU TRY TELLING ME THAT SEEING A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL DEPRESSED AND ASHAMED OF A NATURAL BODY FUNCTION IS PREFERABLE TO SEEING HER SHOWING OFF HER UFO AND SHOOTING STAR-PATTERNED PADS TO HER BFFS

YOU WOULDN’T GIVE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD BOY A BORING BEIGE BAND-AID NO YOU’D GO OUT AND BUY THE HECK OUTTA THOSE SPONGEBOB AND TOY STORY SHITS BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM HAPPY DON’T MAKE YOUR GIRLS GROW OUT OF THINGS THAT MAKE THEM HAPPY BEFORE THEY’VE EVEN LEFT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Ok but U by Kotex has got all of our backs. This brand dose great and empowering things for all women and even girls :)

Why are people with vaginas expected to be grown ass adults at 10 but people with dicks aren’t expected to act like adults until their 20’s??

Actually I’m p sure men aren’t expected to act like adults ever and that’s really fuckin sad tbh

Cause as soon as a man/older boy doesn’t something stupid it’s ‘oh boys will be boys’

One of my friend’s mom still says that about her 30 something year old when he gets to drunk

It’s pathetic

pangolin-dreams:

tardisinthetimewarp:

banananutcraycray:

misswompler:

westerninfluence:

glassescat:

OK SO I WAS AT THE FABRIC STORE AND I WALKED BY SOME MEMORIAL DAY THEMED FABRIC AND 

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

WHY ARE THE ABS SO DETAILED AND NOT THE FACE WHAT

OMFG LINCOLN LOOKS LIKE EDWARD CULLEN WITH A BEARD I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT

I HAVE A DRESS MADE OUT OF THIS FABRIC AND I GOT TO BE IN A PARADE BECAUSE OF IT

This is the Alexander Henry Pin-Up collection - and they are all fucking amazing!

 

 

OKAY I WORK IN A FABRIC STORE AND ONE TIME THIS LITTLE OLD LADY CAME UP TO ME AND SLAMMED THE INDEPENDENCE DAY ONE DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND SAID, “THIS. THIS IS WHAT OUR COUNTRY NEEDS.”

I had an older man come into the fabric store that I used to work in and dropped 3 bolts of the firefighter one on my counter and said, “I need this. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I need it.” a man behind him then yelled, “Pyjamas!” and the first man said, “My husband recommends pyjamas.” 

moonlightinyoureyes:

daveshady:

conbox:

“Every girl has dreamed about carrying a child”.

once i had a dream that i was pregnant and then i gave birth and it was a litter of kittens but i dont think that counts bc im a boy

okay it got even better with the last sentence. 

I JUST CHOKED ON AIR FUCK YOU.

n-a-blue-box:

amemait:

just-shower-thoughts:

There is no biblical evidence that Jesus even knew how to parallel park. Letting him take the wheel seems a bit irresponsible.

Uh, no, you’re so wrong? Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it?

From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’

Originally posted by enjoythebits

wellimhavinga3outof10day:

My favourite thing about the orgy scene is that while Will is understandably slightly confused by the whole situation, Wolfgang is just sitting there like, Yes, spontaneous mental orgies happen to me all the time. Must be Thursday.

riverdancingcas:

grim-grinning-gh0st:

its a crying shame Supernatural only got 5 seasons but i guess its good they stopped before it became one of those shows that only stayed on the air for the fans

janedoeyedgirl:

lunabell02:

shinxy-in-wonderland:

tybaar:

It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh - interesting deliveries.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:

- A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.

- A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”

- At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.

- An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).

- A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.

- A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door.  He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.

- A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.

- A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots.  They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.

- A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.

- Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)

- A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.

- A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.

- A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us.  He did the duck lips thing in every shot.

- Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)

- An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.

- A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”.  He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.

- A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door.  Multiple knockings were of no avail.

- A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female.  She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.

- A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)

- A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose.  He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.

- An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.

- A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me.  It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.

- A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her.  She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order.  I dunno.

- An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober.  When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”

- Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis

- A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.

- A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.

- A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color.  I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves - everywhere.

- A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did.  And perfectly, I may add.

- A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.

- An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.

- An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didn’t have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead.  It took me three weeks to finish the bag.

this was so worth reading

L

This made my day.  This woman should get an award for keeping a record of this shit.

jonahryan:

• You drive a massive SUV and steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you’re hot AU
  
• I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU
• I’m a busy businessperson and my barista keeps misspelling my name in increasingly disrespectful ways, honestly, who does this person think they are AU
• We were both playing wingman for our friends who have now decided to go home together, and after five minutes of conversation we fucking hate each other, let’s bang it out AU
• I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it” AU
• I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the quirky community bookstore AU
• I take my grades very seriously and you’re the lazy asshole who asks a ton of off-topic questions to distract the professor and I might be a foot shorter than you but I swear to god I’ll fight you AU
• You tried to barge into a private conversation so I said something devastatingly witty and dismissive but you came back with something even meaner and more clever AU
• Shouting match over the last Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery store AU
  

thepainofthesass:

nopieontuesday:

wandering-echos:

outosumi:

Two women talking about a transwoman using women’s restroom.

Lady A: He is in there only to peep on women.

Lady B: Were you there to peep on other women?

Lady A: No.

Lady B: Neither was she.

Lady A: She is a he!

Lady B: Are you a he?

Lady A: No.

Lady B: Neither is she.

Lady A: But he has a penis!

Lady B: Have you seen her penis?

Lady A: Yes!

Lady B: Then I firmly believe you are the one who did the peeping.

blackfoxriot:

Gentle reminder: To identify as Two-Spirited is to identify as Native American and outside the gender binary. Please do not disrespect that it is a part of being First Nations and queer and that identity is important to us.

A less gentle reminder: Spirit Animals are fucking sacred, don’t use them for just anything. I don’t care how much you identify with the thing, unless you are using the term properly you are being disrespectful.

PSA by a First Nations person, thank you for your time.

demigirlloki:

demigirlloki:

i have a posture walker i can no longer use, and would love to give it to someone who needs one!!

it’s a young adult sized (16.5″ wide clearance) nimbo posterior posture walker. it has a removable folding seat, forearm platforms, and can be used with an RGO or KAFOs.

it would cost about $450USD new (+ s&h). you can have it for however much shipping turns out to be. 

contact me via ask or email if you’re interested, and if you aren’t please reblog so that someone who needs this can find it!!

if you are able-bodied, please reblog this. if you are disabled and do not need a posture walker, please reblog this. if you are seeing this post, please reblog this. 

assetandmission:

goddessofidiocy:

[quietly breaks table] natasha romanoff is not a romantic prop to use interchangeably 

battlships:

cinder-ember:

sammywhatammy:

redheadeddisneyfreak:

sheriffwxy:

totalspiffage:

soulpunchftw:

agatharights:

musicofthestage:

crutchiee:

tbbackus:

lucasbieneke:

Apparently my director went to see a production of West Side Story a few years ago, and the guy playing Chino forgot his gun before coming out for his final scene. Once it got to the big scene where he is supposed to shoot Tony, he screeched “Poison Boots” and kicked the actor playing Tony until he went down. The girl playing Maria then had to jerk the shoe off of Chino’s foot, and had to do the gunshot scene asking “How many kicks Chino? How many kicks, and one kick left for me”. 

There should be a blog dedicated to theatrical urban legends. Like that opening weekend of Dracula where Dracula (still hungover) vomited all over the audience during the first stage direction that everyone has a friend of a friend that worked on the show and was there.

or the one where the bridge never came out for Javert’s suicide and so he just pretended to stab himself and then lay there until the lights went out

best story i heard was when a friend of mine saw a show where juliet forgot to bring the dagger out on stage so she just ripped the squib out of her chest and blood squirted everywhere

During a passion play a friend of my brother was supposedly in, one of the roman soldiers who was supposed to stab jesus on the cross and accidentally grabbed the wrong spear- he was supposed to grab one with a fake tip, but instead he grabbed one with an actual metal tip and, well

Jesus screamed “JESUS CHRIST YOU STABBED ME”.

Since that Jesus had to be taken down due to a bad case of stab-itis, the backup Jesus came in, but he weighed significantly less than the original Jesus- which would have been fine, except that at the end the cross was supposed to ascend upwards with Jesus on it, and the weights hadn’t been adjusted.

So Jesus, instead, ROCKETED UP into heaven (or, just, above the stage).

This is wild from start to finish

I was in Peter Pan once and one night at a performance, the adhesive holding our Hook’s mustache on was wearing off. It was near the end with a big fight scene and when he got attacked, he let his mustache fall and went “YOU RIPPED MY MUSTACHE OFF!” in a scandalized tone and it added a new note of hilarity to the whole scene (which was supposed to be funny anyway)

In my seventh grade play, which was a midsummer night’s dream, Thisbe didn’t have a sword so she stabbed herself with a coathanger

My junior year we were doing Romeo and Juliet and after Juliet poisons herself it was supposed to go dark and she’d get off the stage. well the light crew accidentally turned them back on and Juliet who was sitting up slammed back down on the wooden bed with a loud bang. To which my theater teacher says into the com “zombie Juliet” and everyone who heard that had to keep as quiet as possible while our eyes were filling with tears.

i attended my county’s performing arts high school majoring in vocal studies, (mostly geared towards musical theater and opera styles) and once a year we got a field trip to new york (we were in jersey, so it’s not exactly far). we would do one touristy thing, an actor’s workshop with friends of our teachers working in various performing industries in nyc, and then see a show. 

my first year doing this, our industry contacts were 1 actor, 1 casting director, and 1 producer to get different aspects of the business, and they all gave us amazing advice and told fantastic stories. the actor in question was Zazu on Broadway’s The Lion King for several years, and told the best story by far.

in The Lion King, there are only two pieces of pre-recorded noise in the whole show. one, when Pumbaa does a MASSIVE fart while fighting the hyenas, and the other being Mufasa saying REMEMBERRRRRR as Simba climbs Pride Rock. the actor told us while struggling not to laugh that, during one night’s performance, someone forgot to flip the tape of these pre-recorded noises.

so, at the end of the show, the great climax where Simba finally accepts his place in the Circle of Life, the heavens parted and-

PFFFFFFFFFRRRRRBTFTBTBFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

everyone froze. and then all ran off stage positively HOWLING with laughter.

the lesson: sometimes there are fuck ups you just can’t recover from.

During a high school production of Beauty and the Beast, where I was assistant costumer and assistant prop master, our director decided that we needed to spice up Gaston’s introduction. You know: in the movie, when Lefou runs in trying to catch the duck/goose that Gaston has just shot out of the sky?

Originally, the actors were going to stroll on stage with our Lefou hauling in the really neat (and real!) taxidermied deer head that we had found in a local thrift store. Now, two days before opening night, our director wants Lefou to run in from off stage and catch a stuffed duck that Gaston has just shot. This, of course, requires two things to work properly as a scene: a gunshot noise, and a stuffed duck.

The gunshot noise, we had covered. Blue-collar, redneck school? Guns a plenty to record. The stuffed duck? Harder than you might have thought to obtain.

Three hunting stores, two taxidermists, and one Pet Supply Store ™, I’d finally found a semi-realistic pheasant squeaky toy. What follows is an account of the ways this dog toy managed to be the nightmare prop of the six show run.

Opening Night: The stagehand, who was supposed to drop the bird from the ceiling catwalk, missed his cue and didn’t drop the it. Lefou’s actor rolls with it and does an excellent job of looking around foolishly before getting cuffed upside the head by Gaston. The stagehand then drops the bird squarely on Gaston’s head. Cue laughter.

Saturday Matinee: Different stagehand throws the bird instead of dropping it and beans Lefou directly in the face with the prop. Lefou falls over. Cue laughter.

Saturday Night: Bird is missing during curtain call. Director hauls the deer head down from it’s place on the tavern wall and tells Gaston and Lefou to revert to the old blocking i.e. no gunshot, no bird, just walk in with trophy. During Gaston and Lefou’s conversation, gun shot sound goes off and a stagehand throws the bird onto the stage…from the wrong side of the stage. Lefou and Gaston stare at it in awkward silence for a solid thirty seconds before Lefou makes off-script, subtle joke about Gaston’s gun going off late instead of early. Cue adults in the audience laughing.

Sunday Matinee: Director begs the stagehands to get the cue right at least once. Gunshot and bird prop go off without a hitch. Lefou accidentally catches the prop when it falls from the catwalk. He’s so startled that he caught it that Gaston runs right in to him. They drop both the gun and the bird props, and grab the wrong prop in their scramble. Gaston spends the rest of the scene gesturing dramatically with a stuffed pheasant, instead of a gun.

Sunday Night:  Director is fed up with bird prop, decides that Lefou should just carry bird prop in after gunshot happens off stage. Lefou accidentally squeezes the prop during the intro conversation, startling both actors into silence with the squeaky toy noise - apparently, neither of them realized it was a dog toy.

Monday Elementary School Show: Lefou walks on stage with the bird. Accidentally drops the prop during conversation with Gaston. Gaston doesn’t notice the dropped prop and steps on it. Cue depressingly sad squeaky toy noise. Cue ten years olds laughing.

There’s no way I can beat that, but I want to add my own favorite story:

During a high school production of Arsenic and Old Lace the guy doing lighting had a girl in the lighting booth that he was making out with (and don’t think we didn’t rip him a new one for this). She accidentally sat on the blackout button in the middle of a scene. Thankfully, one of the main actresses was able to save it by yelling, “I told Mortimer not to put electricity in this house!”