I’m just going to lie here and purr. I am a kitty. You are petting me.
Hey speaking of petting, how many times do you think Vader literally just kneeled on the floor by Padmé’s chair during a meeting or something and waited until she got distracted enough by all the political talk to start petting him like she would’ve if they were in their rooms? Just, like, a casual estimate.
Also, how many times do you think she internally freaked out once she realized just what she was doing in front of the damn Senate and gave him the you’re getting Punished for this later look.
Like, absolutely everyone is already terrified of her because Vader and the clone army answer to her and EVERYONE knows Vader killed Palpatine on her orders, and at least SOME people probably suspect he also killed the JEDI on her orders. And then she gives Darth fucking Vader, terror of the goddamn galaxy, the PUNISHMENT look. Everyone in the room immediately reconsiders every single one of the life choices that led them to BEING in this room.
Except for Vader, obviously. Vader is fucking DELIGHTED to be in this room.
Things Vader has probably asked Padmé for/done his damnedest to provoke her into doing to him:
tie him to the bed
hit him in the face
leave hickeys/bite marks/bruises in places he can’t hide
wax/heat play, possibly to the point of burning
choke him
Things Padmé has probably ordered Vader to do:
answer to “Anakin”
Okay on the one hand OW that got painful real fast, but on the other hand that is exactly what I was hoping to get out of that question. This AU is just so fucking fantastic, I love it.
Look, I’ve been very cracky and fluffy and fun around here lately, I know, but if I go a month without someone being at least mildly traumatized by something I wrote then I will lose all my writerly powers and turn into a pillar of salt and blow away, okay, that’s just how it is. Therefore, Darth Vader is gonna have to learn real quick that every time his Master tells him to lay back and close his eyes, he better start answering to “Anakin” again ASAP or he’s not gonna get hurt the way he likes at ALL.
*coils protectively around this EXTREMELY EXCELLENT thing*
Cracky fluffy Mace Windu taking Anakin out for truckloads of glowing space ice cream and making morbid jokes is great, but for real I just want to talk about Empress Amidala and Vader and their twins who are probably really strange in this world and how the galaxy reacts when Queen Padme of Naboo is suddenly (and aggressively) promoted and the intricate details of how the Jedi flip their collective shit.
I think she ordered him to answer to “Anakin” exactly once and after that he just kind of had to learn the tells of when she wanted “Anakin” behavior out of him–the difference is so subtle for BOTH of them that it’s sort of a nightmare to get it just right, especially since “Anakin” is not exactly who Anakin actually WAS, just certain parts of Padmé’s perception of him that she knows damn well she’s exaggerating but wants anyway–especially because Padmé does NOT respond well when she does/doesn’t get him when she doesn’t/does want him.
Vader has an excellent sense of balance, at least.
It might be funny, if there was anyone left he could make the joke to. Definitely not any of the surviving Jedi. >>;;
MAN you are right, though, Luke and Leia are probably gonna grow up VERY UNUSUAL children, especially because Padmé will occasionally say things like “here is the list of things you need to lie to your father about no matter what” and VADER will occasionally say things like “eventually you’ll probably want to destroy each other and that’s a very natural feeling but I would recommend not following through on it because ruling the galaxy with a partner to do the parts you don’t like is just SO MUCH better”.
And meanwhile Luke is such a fucking sunshine bomb and Leia is so very fiercely JUST and KIND, no one is ever gonna believe they’re the Empress and Vader’s. Did–did Obi-Wan Kenobi maybe get Mustafar-ed for causing these two? Are these two HIS fault?
Okay, no, never mind: they’ll believe it the first time someone lets Princess Amidala anywhere near a lightsaber. They will believe it and FEAR IT.
He literally founded a newspaper that is still in circulation today
So he could shit talk his colleagues. Idk bout u, but most people I know just subtweet that now.
There was literally an article in this Sunday’s New York Post dragging Aaron Burr for saddling NYC with a grid system instead of wide Parisian boulevards. The first line was “We’ll never have Paris here in New York. But we could have … if not for Aaron Burr.” Marvelous. Hamilton’s ghost is weeping tears of joy.
This is the best addition to this post in 10,000+ notes and I would like to personally thank you for sharing this crucially important historical development
200+ years later and Burr still can’t catch a break from Alexander Hamilton’s legacy
Four roommates are extraterrestrials who have taken human form in the hopes of learning about Earth’s culture. Unfortunately, each alien is from a different planet and believes the other three are normal humans.
I would read this
OH MY GOD
Forget reading this, I would watch a seven season TV show about this.
When conservatives say that universal healthcare will make the poor “spoiled” they sound like Immortan Joe warning his subjects not to get addicted to water.
The fact that wizard law enforcement found a dude’s finger and immediately closed the investigation, declared him dead, and concluded that the only possible explanation for why they only found a finger was that he was killed so hard that the rest of him was obliterated kind of speaks volumes about why nobody followed up when the genocidal serial killer just vanished.
Things Vader has probably asked Padmé for/done his damnedest to provoke her into doing to him:
tie him to the bed
hit him in the face
leave hickeys/bite marks/bruises in places he can’t hide
wax/heat play, possibly to the point of burning
choke him
Things Padmé has probably ordered Vader to do:
answer to “Anakin”
Okay on the one hand OW that got painful real fast, but on the other hand that is exactly what I was hoping to get out of that question. This AU is just so fucking fantastic, I love it.
Look, I’ve been very cracky and fluffy and fun around here lately, I know, but if I go a month without someone being at least mildly traumatized by something I wrote then I will lose all my writerly powers and turn into a pillar of salt and blow away, okay, that’s just how it is. Therefore, Darth Vader is gonna have to learn real quick that every time his Master tells him to lay back and close his eyes, he better start answering to “Anakin” again ASAP or he’s not gonna get hurt the way he likes at ALL.
*coils protectively around this EXTREMELY EXCELLENT thing*
Cracky fluffy Mace Windu taking Anakin out for truckloads of glowing space ice cream and making morbid jokes is great, but for real I just want to talk about Empress Amidala and Vader and their twins who are probably really strange in this world and how the galaxy reacts when Queen Padme of Naboo is suddenly (and aggressively) promoted and the intricate details of how the Jedi flip their collective shit.
Things Vader has probably asked Padmé for/done his damnedest to provoke her into doing to him:
tie him to the bed
hit him in the face
leave hickeys/bite marks/bruises in places he can’t hide
wax/heat play, possibly to the point of burning
choke him
Things Padmé has probably ordered Vader to do:
answer to “Anakin”
Okay on the one hand OW that got painful real fast, but on the other hand that is exactly what I was hoping to get out of that question. This AU is just so fucking fantastic, I love it.
hey, i'm thinking of watching leverage- can you, like, explain it to me
Imagine if Robin Hood was in the 21st century except instead of King John it’s major corporations and instead of Robin Hood it’s an alcoholic ex-insurance cop lying to himself about being a good man and so hardbitten noir you practically choke on the cigarette smoke
oh and instead of the Merry Men you’ve got a hacker with a heart of gold who once drained the Icelandic bank for his grandmother’s medical bills, a self-loathing hitter who likes to pretend he’s an island when in actuality all he wants is someone to ask him to stay, and a thief who doesn’t melt or soften so much as find her footing, her home, and people who love her.
(also, spoilers, they are all married)
………..and Maid Marian is actually a grifter par excellence, femme fatale in the grand noir tradition, who is selfish and kind and the closest thing to a functional adult in the group, which is sort of terrifying, except for all the parts where it is amazing
Okay, so, question about the HamDevil AU (which is everything to me, by the way, I adore it): how the hell do clients react when they wander into dinky broken-down Nelson and Murdock and get told "This is Alex Hamilton, he'll be handling your case, if he gets off on a ramble ignore him, and make sure he puts the right year on your file because Karen might kill him if he keeps dating them 1804"?
I caught some time on my Singapore trip so I could answer this on my phone! so forgive me if it’s a bit scattershot.
by the time the story itself takes place, people have had some time to get used to the idea of a founding father hanging around New York fighting people, so it stands to reason he would’ve found work at some point. still, at first it wasn’t widely known that Alexander had started working at N&M, so the poor soul who walked in first right after the guy was hired probably nearly had a heart attack.
and word has a tendency to spread in Hell’s Kitchen, so N&M experienced a brief boom in popularity, during which a fuckload of clients specifically requested that Hamilton handle their cases. said clients v quickly found out that the musical was not exaggerating when it came to his, er, verbose tendencies.
I wonder how many awkward things people have said to me I’ve completely forgotten about but still makes someone cringe randomly when they are trying to sleep.
“but being abused made you so kind!” being abused made me terrified of being anything less than perfectly accommodating and pleasing in an effort to protect myself from the violence my abuser reacted with but okay whatever
Also see “You’re so mean now. I liked you better before.”
You liked me when I was completely accommodating out of residual fear and now I have basic boundaries and a shred of self confidence it inconveniences you.
“And Hamilton was not always scholarly, especially not when writing for Fenno’s Gazette about the devil, who he believed had been incarnated as Thomas Jefferson.”—Eric Burns, Infamous Scribblers (via aaronsburrr)
i find ‘wait for it’ hilarious because apparently Burr’s entire philosophy in life is “I can be master of my own self, but some things are beyond my control. life and death. love, my past, forces of nature. and Hamilton, I also cannot control Hamilton.”
people who complain about dinosaurs “not being scary anymore” because its been discovered they have feathers and are closely related to/ancestors of birds are so bizarre like
its not about how scary they are, they are/were real life animals and what matters is learning more about them, not how well they fit into your science fiction horror film lol
can you imagine a 13 foot chicken running at you with full intent to eat you??? thats fucking terrifying holy shit
peacocks are synonymous with vain, frivolous beauty and they will attack cars. they will attack you while you try to get to your car. they’re like six feet of useless feathers and they will destroy you. imagine if they were carnivorous and had functional spurs.
a t-rex could look like a gay disco ball and i guarantee that you would fucking book it if it had a problem with you
listen
listen
have you ever met a swan
if anything the birdier they get the scarier they are
Also, I personally am quite fond of the mental image of a Majestic As Fuck pack of feathered raptors that are also capable of brutal evisceration.
I mean, what part of that doesn’t sound deeply, viscerally alarming?
As a kid, my family kept geese as guard animals. And these geese were the most effective GUARD ANIMALS because they would rush at anyone while simultaneously beating their 3 foot wings and biting. Once they broke a man’s femur who was trespassing. A grown ass man’s LEG.
Yeah, if I knew that a 6 foot tall goose lived in the world, I might never go outside.
I love using “my guy” and “my dude” and “kiddos” and “friend” for everything because there’s so much affection yet an unbelievable amount of sarcasm and that pretty much describes my personality
tumblr friendships are hard to maintain like im sorry i know i havent talked to you in 5 months but you’re still super rad and i still consider us friends im just dumb
so okay i know you specified lgbtq+ kids who had been kicked out but my parents are really abusive(not. physically or sexually) but. they think they're the best parents but they terrify me and please adopt me you seem like the best oerson
SWEETIE, yes, of course, absolutely, come here. *hugs you* (Although, oh God, I hope I haven’t convinced you that I actually…like…have my shit together at all, I am a flailing pre-med student eyeing senior year with apprehension. BUT I will totally be your Tumblr mom, I will be everyone’s Tumblr mom, come tell me about your day and let me remind you to eat and take care of yourselves.)
And BELIEVE ME, I know the feeling of people who believe they’re just wonderful and just…are not. It’s a very particular kind of terrible, isn’t it? Especially when they have the rest of the world convinced, and then turn around and are emotionally (or otherwise) abusive to you. You are tough as nails for dealing, I am so proud of you, I am so proud of you, God. Just…you’ll live through this, sweetie, you really will, and it’ll be hard and it’ll be awful and it’ll be terrible and then one day it’ll be over, okay? And just…it’s not about being all right every day, about magically being fine as soon as it’s over. It’s not. It’s about surviving. And then someday you’re going to blink and look up and realize that you’ve had more good days than bad and that you’re more at ease in your skin and that you’re better. I am not fixed, I am not fine, sometimes I still have to bite down a panic attack when I have to talk to my grandmother or a scream when my grandfather starts talking about ‘well, medicine is awfully competitive, I just hope you know what you’re getting into, it can be rough on women, you know’ and spirals into cruel remarks. But I’m better. I really am. It’s really possible. And you’re gonna make it through this, sweetie, you really are, and I’m so proud of you for making it this far.
You are now my Tumblr child, feel free to either come off anon or come back on anon and just identify yourself. (If there are more of you I’ll start handing out nicknames. Greek letters or something, if you don’t want to come off anon.)
All right, drink some water, make sure you’ve had something to eat, get sleep, take care of yourself. Moran decrees it.
I love the phrase “what the entire fuck” because it implies that there exists some scenario that warrants only a “what the partial fuck”.
Well, since there are clearly scenarios which warrant giving zero fucks, it
seems plausible to infer that there exists a 0 … 1 scale of fuckitude, containing a potentially infinite number of fractional fuckery scenarios.
Fractional Fuckery Scenarios is going to be my first short story collection.
Whereas ‘what the actual fuck’ implies that there are metaphorical or theoretical fucks in play.
Dude, you missed fictional fucks, which is both excellent alliteration and hilarious.
Solidarity between girls when one of their boyfriends fucks up is great. Group chat, screenshots, all the sudden it’s The People v Shit Boyfriend court is now in session is the prosecution ready to make an openin statement
En Anglais, on ne dit pas “quatre vingt dix neuf”, on dit “ninety nine” qu'on pourrait traduire comme “Hurr durr, regardez mois, j'ai un système de numérotation fonctionnel” et je crois que c'est magnifique.
Full disclosure, I parlez exactly no Francais, but I speak enough Spanish and Latin to fucking laugh my ass off at this every time.
