before i started dating my boyfriend i had a dream that he asked me out and he said “what should i call you instead of boyfriend/girlfriend because youre agender” and i looked him straight in the eye and said “the vista cruiser”
I WENT TO VISIT MY GRANDMA AT THE NURSING HOME AND THE LADY LITERALLY DOESN’T KNOW POOP FROM APPLESAUCE BUT SHE MUST HAVE REMEMBERED ME BRINGING SOMEONE TO CHRISTMAS BECAUSE SHE’S LIKE “SO HOW’S KALEB” (AKA MY GIRLFRIEND, KAYLA) AND MY MOM WAS LIKE “SHE’S DATING A GIRL AND HER NAME IS KAYLA, MOM”
WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT MY GRANDMA WAS LIKE “OH HOW LOVELY. I WAS A LESBIAN ONCE YOU KNOW.”
What if, when Petunia Dursley found a little boy on her front doorstep, she took him in? Not into the cupboard under the stairs, not into a twisted childhood of tarnished worth and neglect—what if she took him in?
…
WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO GIVE ME FEELS ABOUT PETUNIA MOTHERFREAKING DURSLEY??????
i just heard a blood curdling scream coming from my sisters room so i ran in there all worried and she looks up from her laptop and whispered, “i liked one of his photos from 2009”
No, I’m serious, if women all got together and went into electrical engineering or automotive repair en masse, then ten years later people would be talking about how it was a “soft field” and it would pay proportionately less than other fields.
shoutouts to those low maintenance best friends. the ones who you don't speak to for months because both of yall are living life but when you catch up it's nothing but intense love.
Dad:
Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad:
Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad:
Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad:
Hey are you awake? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad:
Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad:
I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad:
Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad:
Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad:
Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad:
It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad:
Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad:
*puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad:
My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad:
Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad:
Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad:
I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad:
Fuck the government.
Dad:
Fuck the school board.
Dad:
Close the door.
Dad:
Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad:
I love puns.
Dad:
People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad:
Please shut up.
Dad:
Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad:
I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad:
I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad:
You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad:
Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad:
I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad:
If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad:
They act like I care what they think.
Dad:
I hate homework.
Dad:
I have decided to become a politician.
Dad:
What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
You don’t have to be black, it just means you support us, you stand by us and you’re for us.
100%
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What is a black tumblr?
Someone who’s black or supports black people and their human rights. it literally says that in the description. “You don’t have to be black, it just means you support us, you stand by us and you’re for us.”