“bless your heart” is NOT a sign of goodwill that person wants you dead and buried, preferably while they watch from the comfort of their porch rockers
bless your heart is literally the shadiest, most condescending thing a southerner can say
It’s the Fourth, there are fireworks going outside, I’m watching Liberty’s Kids (honestly fuck everybody, I love this show), and I’m feeling rather patriotic, so if anyone wanted to request a Hamilton fic, now would be an opportune moment.
July 3rd, 11:59 P.M.: This country is a festering cesspool
of corruption, ignorance, and violence. Every achievement is built on
the backs of millions of dead. The Founding Fathers-
July 4th, 12:00 A.M.:
July 5th, 12:00 A.M.: -would shake their heads in shame if they could see the state of this nation.
They are setting off fireworks in the city. OBVIOUSLY, because it’s the Fourth, I get it, I’m patriotic for 24 hours a year too guys. But they’re setting them off IN THE CITY. Like. In the STREETS.
ISN’T THIS A FUCKING FIRE HAZARD????
LET ME CLARIFY.
I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT SOME FUCKING FIRECRACKERS HERE.
I AM TALKING ABOUT FULL-SCALE FIREWORKS SHOWS WITH PROFESSIONAL-GRADE FIREWORKS THAT ARE HAPPENING TOO LOW FOR ME TO SEE FROM THE FOURTH FLOOR OF A BUILDING ON TOP OF AN EXTREMELY TALL HILL.
Jesus, at least there’s three hospitals and a nursing school in town in case shit goes awry.
Humans quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance and the reputation is this: when going somewhere dangerous, take a human.
Humans are tough. Humans can last days without food. Humans heal so fast they pierce holes in themselves or inject ink for fun. Humans will walk for days on broken bones in order to make it to safety. Humans will literally cut off bits of themselves if trapped by a disaster.
You would be amazed what humans will do to survive. Or to ensure the survival of others they feel responsible for.
That’s the other thing. Humans pack-bond, and they spill their pack-bonding instincts everywhere. Sure it’s weird when they talk sympathetically to broken spaceships or try to pet every lifeform that scans as non-toxic. It’s even a little weird that just existing in the same place as them for long enough seems to make them care about you. But if you’re hurt, if you’re trapped, if you need someone to fetch help?
You really want a human.
you know fantasy dragon soulbonding fic i want more of that where the humans are the dragons, like, we’re huge, we’re old, we’re scrappy as hell, and if you are small and cute enough we would be delighted to carry you around on our back
holy shit that’f b amazing.
also imagine an alien being like
‘I THINK A HUMAN IMPRINTED ON ME THEY KEEP HANGING AROUND ME’
But imagine aliens that only form social bonds under very specific circumstances having to deal with humans though:
Like, they will bond with a group, and if they move they just bond with a new group while still talking to their old group. They will bond with other species. They encourage their children to practice bonding with inanimate objects. They can have more than one mate in their lifetime. Sometimes they have more than one mate simultaneously. Once they bond with you they’ll start trying to bring other humans they are bonded with to bond with you.
If you stand around them long enough they’ll probably just wander over and try to pat you, this is how they bond with other species. You may have accidentally bonded with a human without knowing it.
“Help the human in our party bonded with a grafknap and now they want to bring it with us”
“I don’t see what the problem is.”
“We’ve already got like five of them, and then there’s the orlaps and vanghus.”
“krrrk sor krrkr going thr krrk -bula spike krrk”
“Companion Mar, how do you sustain these high levels of interpersonal relation?” “Uh… hanging out, I guess.” “Hanging out of what, exactly?” “Sorry, that’s a human phrase used to describe spending leisure time in the general proximity of others for entertainment.” “But we are very far from your past companions, and yet you have continued to express interpersonal relation to them, in spite of the lack of proximity.” “Oh, well, I comm them now and then.” “Interesting. So you posit that physical proximity and verbal communication are key to this relational anomaly?” “I mean that’s part of it.” “… great Glarbnack, you’re doing it right now, aren’t you?” “Oh, come on, Kursp, we’ve been friends for ages, you know that!” “No! Stop! I can’t believe you would - oh, Glarb, what’s the word? - vefriendle me without even asking me first!” “Befriend. The word is befriend, Kursp.” “Ugh, humans! Well I know I can’t stop you but at least try not to emote all over the place.” “Sure thing, buddy.” [Enraged squeaking]
OMG THIS ONE IS FANTABULOUS
Humans.
Will.
Pet.
Anything.
Ok but what happens when humans are brought aboard an alien spacecraft to travel to the far side of the galaxy, and the ship stops to refuel on Planet Kro’Chenpotyl 6, and there are warnings all over the place to PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THE SPACE STATION and the humans are just like “why?” and the aliens are all “Captain Steve, have you never encountered a Horgler before?” “no, whats a horgler?” “They are very dangerous, Captain. Please do not leave the space station as they roam freely and we do not wish to communicate with your superiors anything about injuries to you or your crew.”
and then two hours later Captain Steve has a giant Horgler in tow and everyone else is just “!!!!!!!!” and Steve is just “yeah, this is my new pet. his name is Fluffy.”
it keeps getting better
This makes us sound so badass.
And then there’s the one group:
“Now Max,”
“Yes?”
“Do not touch the natives.”
“But why?”
“Because they’re poisonous.”
A few hours later, Max is in Sick Bay, mumbling “worth it” over and over.
They are setting off fireworks in the city. OBVIOUSLY, because it’s the Fourth, I get it, I’m patriotic for 24 hours a year too guys. But they’re setting them off IN THE CITY. Like. In the STREETS.
During Victor Hugo’s funeral, most of the brothels in Paris closed down because all the prostitutes were in mourning for their best client #trufax
“No way that’s true,” I thought as I looked this up, thus starting the day by proving myself terribly wrong.
“A police source informed Edmond Goncourt that the brothels were shuttered and the city’s prostitutes had bedecked their crotches with black crepe in honor of the great man’s passing.” x
I’m sorry, but the OP thought that the fact that the brothels closed was the most impressive part, and not the fact that the prostitutes WORE BLACK CREPE ON THEIR CROTCHES IN HIS HONOR?
Okay so your French History lessons are delightful, and I am an American with a terrible school system and an affection for historical factotum, please tell me something--anything--I don't know about the history of France. (Also your blog gives me life, you're fantastic, and have a lovely day.)
OKAY SO HERE IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES!
Louis XIV was known to have a lot of sex when he was young and later in adulthood. Like. A lot.
His brother, Phillipe d’Orléans, was known to be gay and quite publically so, and though he did obey his brother’s wishes to marry and have children, he kept lovers under his sleeves all his life
So when he was older, Louis XIV married one of his mistresses, Madame de Maintenon, who was a devote Jansenist. So the King had a sort of religious crisis and became SUPER CATHOLIC. So much so that he told his brother to “stop his indiscretions”, talking about his gay lovers. And Phillipe roasted him on a spike saying:
“Well let me remind you you fucked more girls than there are beads on your rosary, so STFU” (I believe he said something along the lines of “Vous avez enfilé plus de filles que de perles à votre chapelet” in French which is fucking SAVAGE)
I just got husband to attach a round scrubby brush to the end of his power drill. This is the best thing we’ve ever done, omg I don’t have to apply pressure when scrubbing the bath tiles anymore it just whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirzip and everything is clean. SUCK ON THAT GROUT STAINS
as someone who loathes tub scrubbing, i consider this a signal boost-worthy post!
Wait, I need details, how is it attached? What kind of scrubby brush? Photos pls I need to implement this in my life, my grouting will thank you
Humans quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance and the reputation is this: when going somewhere dangerous, take a human.
Humans are tough. Humans can last days without food. Humans heal so fast they pierce holes in themselves or inject ink for fun. Humans will walk for days on broken bones in order to make it to safety. Humans will literally cut off bits of themselves if trapped by a disaster.
You would be amazed what humans will do to survive. Or to ensure the survival of others they feel responsible for.
That’s the other thing. Humans pack-bond, and they spill their pack-bonding instincts everywhere. Sure it’s weird when they talk sympathetically to broken spaceships or try to pet every lifeform that scans as non-toxic. It’s even a little weird that just existing in the same place as them for long enough seems to make them care about you. But if you’re hurt, if you’re trapped, if you need someone to fetch help?
You really want a human.
you know fantasy dragon soulbonding fic i want more of that where the humans are the dragons, like, we’re huge, we’re old, we’re scrappy as hell, and if you are small and cute enough we would be delighted to carry you around on our back
holy shit that’f b amazing.
also imagine an alien being like
‘I THINK A HUMAN IMPRINTED ON ME THEY KEEP HANGING AROUND ME’
But imagine aliens that only form social bonds under very specific circumstances having to deal with humans though:
Like, they will bond with a group, and if they move they just bond with a new group while still talking to their old group. They will bond with other species. They encourage their children to practice bonding with inanimate objects. They can have more than one mate in their lifetime. Sometimes they have more than one mate simultaneously. Once they bond with you they’ll start trying to bring other humans they are bonded with to bond with you.
If you stand around them long enough they’ll probably just wander over and try to pat you, this is how they bond with other species. You may have accidentally bonded with a human without knowing it.
“Help the human in our party bonded with a grafknap and now they want to bring it with us”
“I don’t see what the problem is.”
“We’ve already got like five of them, and then there’s the orlaps and vanghus.”
“krrrk sor krrkr going thr krrk -bula spike krrk”
“Companion Mar, how do you sustain these high levels of interpersonal relation?” “Uh… hanging out, I guess.” “Hanging out of what, exactly?” “Sorry, that’s a human phrase used to describe spending leisure time in the general proximity of others for entertainment.” “But we are very far from your past companions, and yet you have continued to express interpersonal relation to them, in spite of the lack of proximity.” “Oh, well, I comm them now and then.” “Interesting. So you posit that physical proximity and verbal communication are key to this relational anomaly?” “I mean that’s part of it.” “… great Glarbnack, you’re doing it right now, aren’t you?” “Oh, come on, Kursp, we’ve been friends for ages, you know that!” “No! Stop! I can’t believe you would - oh, Glarb, what’s the word? - vefriendle me without even asking me first!” “Befriend. The word is befriend, Kursp.” “Ugh, humans! Well I know I can’t stop you but at least try not to emote all over the place.” “Sure thing, buddy.” [Enraged squeaking]
OMG THIS ONE IS FANTABULOUS
Humans.
Will.
Pet.
Anything.
Ok but what happens when humans are brought aboard an alien spacecraft to travel to the far side of the galaxy, and the ship stops to refuel on Planet Kro’Chenpotyl 6, and there are warnings all over the place to PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THE SPACE STATION and the humans are just like “why?” and the aliens are all “Captain Steve, have you never encountered a Horgler before?” “no, whats a horgler?” “They are very dangerous, Captain. Please do not leave the space station as they roam freely and we do not wish to communicate with your superiors anything about injuries to you or your crew.”
and then two hours later Captain Steve has a giant Horgler in tow and everyone else is just “!!!!!!!!” and Steve is just “yeah, this is my new pet. his name is Fluffy.”
Don’t tell your daughter that when a boy is mean or rude to her it’s because he has a crush on her. Don’t teach her that abuse is a sign of love.
My mom always taught me yell or fight back. Boys would be mean and I would yell back. I would get my ass pinched and I would smack them as hard as I could.
Who alway got in trouble? Me.
They would call my mother and she always came in and lectures my teachers and threatened to sue for making her miss work and treating me poorly.
She always taught my brothers to respect women. The only fights my brothers ever got in was defending women from someone else.
The school tried to call my father once instead of my mother on us. He came in in his full preacher outfit (being a preacher and all) and gave them an entire sermon on what would Jesus day of he was called in. They decided dealing with my mom was better.
I think my favorite story of this is when some kid snapped my bra and I turned around, didn’t even think about it, and punched that little motherfucker right in the nose.
So naturally, I end up in the principal’s office, refusing to apologize.
“He shouldn’t have put his hands on me and I wouldn’t have hit him!” That’s the only thing I was saying.
These people had the unfortunate luck of catching my dad at home, instead of my mom. So he comes fucking sauntering in there, like he’s Clint fucking Eastwood in some western movie and looks at me.
“Melissa, did you punch him?”
“Yes.” I said.
“Why?”
“Because he snapped my bra strap.”
And he turns his squinty eyed glare to the principal and says, “You’re telling me my daughter is in trouble because that squirrely looking kid put his hands on her and she chose to defend herself? That’s what you are saying to me.”
“Well, sir-” The man kind of stuttered because my dad is kind of intimidating in the quiet sort of way that kind of whispers in the back of your mind that this person could be dangerous. “Melissa did make it physical.”
“No. That kid put his hands on my daughter. Are you saying my daughter cannot defend herself when some boy decides to put hands on her? Is that what you are teaching my girl?”
I didn’t get suspended that day.
*slow clap for excellent parenting*
This is the parent I want to be omg
I went to a nun school.
The nuns there were like, so rad.
It was a party organized for the end of the school year, and I was helping in the kitchen to prepare stuff with a nun and a bunch of little girls. There was one of the girls’ little brother who was there.
There was a little girl who was carrying a bowl of tomato sauce and was going outside, but the boy was just in front of her and he slammed the door in her face. She dropped the bowl on the floor and got all messy.
So what happened?
The nun went outside, took the boy by the arm, and gave him an epic speech going around the lines of: “Would you treat the Virgin Mary like that, young man?” “Nnnnno…” “Then treat every girl like she’s the Virgin Mary.” Not only the boy had to apologize to the little girl, but he also had to clean up and he was put on kitchen duty for the rest of the day.
Then another day, in catechism class (I was a in a girls’ school, mind you), the nun was there telling us: “If a guy touches you in a way you don’t like, punch him in the face. It’s not a sin against charity. On the contrary, you’re being charitable by showing him he’s sinning by impurity and you’ll save him from going to hell.”
So I was at my desk during class looking like this:
Does it ever strike you that Cap 2 begins with a challenge from Batroc: who are you without the mask?
And the rest of the movie is literally Steve showing us? Who he is with, and without, the mask? The depths of his humanity? The breadth of his super soldier strength? The limits his body and soul meet time and again and then transcend?
Steve is more than the weapon he wields or the costume he wears. He’s more than the weapon he’s become. And in Cap 2, we begin to see that.
In Cap 3, we see his shield actually GET TAKEN AWAY. We rarely see him in his mask. If the shot of him HOLDING A HELICOPTER IN PLACE armed ONLY WITH HIS DESPERATION AND SUPER STRENGTH is any indication, we’ll see more of plain clothesed Steve, fighting massive battles in just very tight t shirts and an earnest expression.
In the end, Steve is my favorite because we see his humanity and struggle in everything he does. Even in his physical prowess–it’d be so easy to portray his feats of strength with a casualness meant to highlight just how powerful he is. Instead, you see him strain. You see his muscles bulge and his jaw grit and you see uncertainty and determination war on his face. You see him WIN against all odds, and the sheer impossibility of odds are what make the victory so breathtaking.
Behind and without the mask is Steve Rogers, not Captain America. Unluckily for Batroc, and other villains, that’s still a pretty f*cking amazing hero to contend with.
Steve Rogers isn’t a hero because he’s Captain America. Captain America is a hero because he’s Steve Rogers.
oh my word he was the gayest and his most notable male lovers were
Joshua Fry Speed
a bed salesman/ inn keeper
he and Lincoln met when he was 28 and Speed was around 22 b/c Abe was practicing law and he was poor so he had to rent out a room
when Lincoln couldn’t afford a room and bed Joshua was just like “why don’t you share my bed with me 😘”
they lived together for four whole years
also when Speed had to go back to Kentucky (they were in Illinois together at this point) Lincoln actually suffered what historians consider a nervous breakdown, he wrote in his diaries a lot about how depressed he was during this time
they still wrote each other letters though and remained friends until Lincoln died
David Derickson
the commanding officer of his guards while he was President
he even had his own special bed in the White House that they would share
they had their own getaway cottage on the outskirts of the White House’s borders I kid you not
ALSO
HE ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY WORE LINCOLN’S NIGHT SHIRT OKAY
THEY WERE NOT SUBTLE
THOMAS CHAMBERLAIN HAD THE TEA ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP, HE WROTE IT ALL DOWN
this is an excellent time to talk about my home alone sequel idea
its 25 years later. a group of men track kevin down to an american-style suburban house deep in the jungles of cambodia. they stagger into his office, bruised and covered in feathers.
“you’re a hard man to find mccalister”
“not hard enough”
jump cut. a military officer is talking to a cia spook.
“you don’t understand. he’s the best. i saw him take apart a taliban kill team with nothing but the contents of a hardware store and a box of toy cars.”
cut to afgan desert. adult kevin in modern military gear presses a detonator. several cuts show a rube goldburg device launching paint cans into startled assassins via planks of wood.
cut back to dark office.
“he’s dangerous. unstable.” the spook says
intercut of a man trying to sneak up on maccalister when he steps on a rollar skate and falls down some stairs. there’s punji stakes at the bottom.
“that’s why he’s the best.”
lights cigar
cut back to officer talking to kevin
“your country needs you.”
“i needed my country, and it wasn’t there for me. why should i be there for her?”
cut to shady military black ops in the jungle, vietnam war style. kevin, in tiger strip special
forces camo, watches a helicopter take off and fly away. cut to inside.
the team, weary, sits in dejected silence, when one of them suddenly
bolts upright.
“MACCALISTER!”
cut back
“we need you for one last job. we’ve assembled an elite team.”
zoom on kevin’s face
“no. i work… alone.”
HOME ALONE 3
cut to man strapped to chair in dark room. kevin is in the background, fetching something. he circles around him, rubbing his hands together.
“you’re going to tell me what i want to know.”
“fuck you.” the man spits.
kevin claps his hands to either side of the man’s face. He screams.
COMING THIS CHRISTMAS
kevin watches a city burn. a man points a gun at the back of his head.
“no fancy traps to protect you here. what you got to say to that, maccalister?”
kevin whirls, disarms him, and kicks him off a balcony.
For @littlestartopaz (who requested it) and @twistedangelsays (who wanted to read it). Chat Noir/Ladybug with G from this post, Chat says the line
(“Don’t you ever do that again!”)
All right yeah, look, I really like reveal fics and I really like pain, so this is the product of that. Also, these two kids need to get their shit together and cuddle and care about each other and stuff. I am a simple woman with simple needs. AND this is your friendly reminder that I am taking prompts and there’s a masterlist of ships/fandoms on my blog! Hit me up!
“This
guy needs to chill out,” Chat Noir said, shooting a smirk at Ladybug to see her
nose crinkle up. Her look of fond
distaste was the highlight of his day, every day, the kind of friendly teasing Adrien
had always wished for as a little boy.
The only thing better was when she actually shot a joke back at him,
leaving a warm weight in his chest and a smile on his face.
“That
wasn’t even clever, Chat,” she said, spinning her yoyo and letting it fly at
the shell of ice between them and the rest of the world. He spun his baton overhand and slammed it
into the crack she had left, and as he pulled back the yoyo lashed out again.
“So
you think my puns are usually clever?” he asked, grinning, and hit the ice
again. “You know, I could have us out of
here–”
Let’s play a game. Type the following words into your tags box, then post the first automatic tag that comes up. you, also, what, when, why, how, look, because, never
In a footnote to a May 10, 2005, memorandum from the Office of Legal Council, the Bush attorney general’s office argued that restricting the caloric intake of terrorist suspects to 1000 calories a day was medically safe because people in the United States were dieting along those lines voluntarily.
“While detainees subject to dietary manipulation are obviously situated differently from individuals who voluntarily engage in commercial weight-loss programs, we note that widely available commercial weight-loss programs in the United States employ diets of 1000 kcal/day for sustain periods of weeks or longer without requiring medical supervision,” read the footnote. “While we do not equate commercial weight loss programs and this interrogation technique, the fact that these calorie levels are used in the weight-loss programs, in our view, is instructive in evaluating the medical safety of the interrogation technique.”
Another another friendly reminder that the Minnesota Starvation Experiment subjected adult men who were VOLUNTEERS to 1,560 calorie diets and the psychological effects were so profound that one volunteer cut three of his own fingers off and could not remember why.
These men were volunteers who knew exactly what they would be going through and when it would end, and who believed they were doing it for a good and moral reason (the research was used to help rehabilitate victims of starvation and famine at the end of WWII).
And these are the things we are expected to engage in FOREVER to stay at a “healthy” weight.
Reading about the Minnesota Starvation experiment was my wake-up call. It was what kicked me out of my eating disorder. The guy missing three fingers, whatever his name was, he was the last straw for me.
Scared me so fucking bad I stopped restricting my food that day, and never went back to it.
WOW.
I deeply, deeply regret my time counting calories and points.
haters can say what they want about the 4th of july but i just witnessed two dudes- one dressed as abe lincoln and the other as benjamin franklin- passionately making out on the balcony while fireworks went off behind them and half of the party, for some reason, gathered around them and chanted “USA! USA!” for like five solid minutes
Since Charles Lee is played as a pretty young guy in Hamilton, I’m not sure how many people are aware of the full context and hilarity of Laurens’s roast of Lee at Lee’s court-martial
Laurens was a 23-year-old aide-de-camp when he testified at the court-martial. Charles Lee was 46 and a general. Lee was twice Laurens’s age and outranked him, but Laurens had no reservations about completely dragging him.
You could get yourself cloned and use the clone if you ever needed any organ transplants, limbs, etc. You’d technically be allowing yourself to be ‘recycled’ and would probably live for much longer than the average life span. Since highschool, I’ve been obsessed with cloning and the whole idea of it - I remember the sheep that got cloned (Dolly) and ever since, I’ve been intrigued. But then creationists would come along. “CLONES DON’T HAVE SOULS”.
I think the ethical issue is that cloning creates a sentient being. Yes, creationists are typically a pain in the ass, but the more important argument against using a clone of yourself to enhance your lifespan regards the ethics of creating a sentient being and then killing/maiming that being for your own well-being.
How does everyone know about this book and I’ve never heard of it???
I know it was required reading at some schools (not mine, I stole it from my best friend’s backpack because I was bored and he was busy and blew through it in a couple hours) so maybe that? Honestly I’m not sure why it got so popular–or rather so well-known. It was an interesting book, but not really my thing.
Why is Thomas Jefferson getting a ton of heat lately? He's my problematic fav
i mean, lately, it’s presumably because the hit broadway musical hamilton is out there reminding everyone that tjeff was The Worst. but i’m gonna take this opportunity to give you a run-down of every historic reason why tjeff was The Worst
i could end the list at “slave owner”
furthermore, he was even more racist than most 18th century racists. i don’t have the time or energy to list all the racists things he did, but there are a lot, just google it
like when his pal tadeusz kosciuszko died he stipulated that the money from his american estate should be used to free and educate jefferson’s slaves and in response he was like. “i can’t read suddenly. i don’t know”
he was a huge hypocrite who claimed to support the ~small independent farmers when the only interests he really cared about looking out for were - you guessed it - the interests of wealthy plantation owners, which is probably his biggest contribution to the legacy of american politics tbh
also, remember how he wrote the declaration of independence - including the original draft where he waxed philosophical about how slavery is an abomination - even though #1-3
sally hemings
he had no idea how the economy works. a good deal of his political career was spent arguing with the federalists about why taxes are bad and banks are scary. one time he tried to ban exports, like, entirely, because he just didn’t foresee any negative consequences to that brilliant idea, apparently
he was a generally obnoxious person who not only spewed baseless accusations against his enemies every time he was challenged on all his horrible ideology, but he didn’t even have the balls to do it himself, he usually employed a whole gang of followers to do his public shit-talking for him
he actually kept a burn book where he collected rumors about people he didn’t like. i wish i was making this up lmao this actually happened!!!
a big fan of indian removal and/or forced assimilation
there’s gotta be a lot else i’m forgetting right now, i’m just thinking off the top of my head
basically he sat around at monticello spinning around in his swivel chair while his slave-concubine brought him bowl after bowl of mac and cheese, meditating on liberty and equality with so much moral myopia he could’ve been the antihero protagonist of an amc prestige drama
i’m too tired to source any of this hate right now but i can and will elaborate if anyone deems it necessary
