there’s all these aus about vader finding luke and smuggling him away to the empire in a clever moment of mental clarity, but please consider this crack au: after being faced with slavery, his mother’s death, tusken raiders, sand, obi-wan kenobi, seeing the larses, and tatooine in general, vader lays eyes on toddler luke skywalker - his son, which meant palpatine lied, holy fuck i’m a father, oh god padme i’m so sorry - and flips.
this is the straw that breaks the semi-rational sith lord’s back. in true anakin skywalker fashion, vader panics, scoops his son into his arms, charges into mos espa and turns it upside down, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, slams random hyperspace coordinates, and is thrown into space with no real idea where he’s going or when he’s going to get there. with a toddler.
to make things more interesting, obi-wan snuck aboard the ship, but dropped his lightsaber in the ruckus of sneaking into imperial ranks. and poor, poor firmus piett, a lowly officer who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, runs smack into him.
and they’re all stuck on a ship, indefinitely. with a toddler.
sweet baby jesus i love this idea
just vader, picking up toddler luke under his arm like a football, and RUNNING LIKE FUCKING HELL
If Snow White literally had “lips red as a rose, hair black as ebony, and skin white as snow,” she’d look like a walking nightmare.
honestly this sounds like the description of a vampire. Which would also explain how she convinced seven dwarves to let her stay with them. How she could control some animals to do her bidding. How she could sleep for a long time without aging. Why the hunter betrayed the queen for her, and why the queen wanted her heart, so she could be sure she was killed properly.
the first baby is born in may, and dies in his sleep. the second does not make it to term. the third lives for a year before an unknown illness claims him. the queen pricks her finger on a needle: old magic. blood on snow on an ebony windowsill. the wind carries the the contract, and the woods accept.
blood now must be repaid with blood later, but the fourth baby is a girl, and she lives.
*
she grows slowly, and out of order. first her hands, long and bony; then her arms, thin, hollow-looking. she never looks quite like a child: no chubby cheeks, no skinned knees, no missing teeth. her hair is thick and so black it sometimes seems viscous. her skin is so thin you should be able to see the blood running through it.
they name her snow white, for the fairness of her skin. so fair that she cries when left in the light too long.
*
the queen dies when snow white is four, still small, and beloved. she is not beautiful, her mouth too painfully red, her eyes too liquid dark, her teeth too pointedly sharp. but only those who do not live in the castle think this. to know the child is to love her. to know the child is to want to please her. to know the child is to know that she is precious.
that she must be protected. that she must be obeyed.
“it is not your fault,” the king whispers to the child on his lip, petting her head. “she was not strong enough. i will make sure you never go hungry.”
the child presses her tiny hand against his cheek. “i know you will,” snow white says.
*
peasants begin to go missing. young boys are snatched from the fields. women are summoned to the castle and never seen again.
“gifts,” her father calls them. “eat. you are too thin.”
the girls are always silent, and the boys always scream. snow white hates it. she wishes they would stop, but she is hungry. she is so hungry. and doesn’t she have the right to survive? isn’t she a child, too?
but her mother’s blood is the only food that ever made her feel full. now she can eat and eat and eat and never feel like she has taken a single bite.
she grows thin. the sun becomes too strong for her to go outside.
“a mother’s blood,” the king muses, and sends his advisors out to find snow white a new one.
*
the kingdom has six queens in six years, but no more peasants go missing. it must be something in the castle, they say. some mold. some terrible illness. something that lingers, and kills you slowly.
but snow white grows healthy regardless. she can be seen, sometimes, on the parapets: in the early years she wears a heavy cloak but as she grows it gets thinner, and then disappears entirely.
she is small, and delicate. her laughter, floating down into the village, is silver and gold and painted in eighth notes. it is said that if you look into her eyes you can see your deepest desire. it is said that she will give it to you. it is said that every time a queen dies it breaks snow white’s gentle heart. she shrinks. she hides away indoors. she becomes frail and cannot leave her bed.
so many queens in so many years. eventually, somebody will notice.
eventually, somebody does.
*
“mirror, mirror, on the wall: who’s the fairest of them all?”
you, my queen.
“there are no others?”
there is one other. but she is young. she was made by the forrest. she doesn’t know what she is.
“another? after all this time? where?”
the kingdom of six queens.
“how strong is her heart?”
she is too young to know for certain. but she when she is hungry, she has always been fed.
*
snow’s new mother arrives on horseback. her lips are red as blood, her hair as black as ebony, her skin as fair as–snow’s.
she marries the king and they spend the night in his chamber. this has never happened before. snow white does not understand. she is hungry. she always gets fed, the very first night. she always gets blood on her gown.
but her father stays in his chamber and does not come out. in the morning, his eyes are hazy and he does nothing but smile. her new mother’s teeth are red.
snow white waits. she isn’t starving yet. surely her father will snap out of it and feed her.
*
“today?” snow white asks, and her father pats her head.
“i will find you a peasant boy,” he says. “a strong one. your favorite kind.”
“that is not my favorite,” snow white tells him. she frowns. he has never told her no before. he, and everyone else, has always done exactly what she wanted. “father, i am hungry. you promised i would never be hungry again.”
she begins to cry, and the hazy look leaves him. he falls to his knees, her face between his hands. “of course,” he murmurs, “of course, tonight, i’ll send her. i don’t know why i didn’t before. i don’t know what i was thinking. tonight.”
snow white kisses his cheek. her red lips leave a print.
*
her new mother does not come. in the morning, her father’s eyes are hazy once again.
*
“father,” snow white begs.
“i promise,” he answers, but he is weak, every night he gives in to weakness because her new mother does not come. snow white is hungry. snow white grows thin. snow white cannot go out into the sun.
*
at last, her new mother comes. she has a plate of food: vegetables, fruit, and a slab of meat.
“eat,” her new mother murmurs. she perches on the edge of the bed.
snow white shuffles away from the sunlight coming through the window. “i’m not hungry,” she says.
“but you must be hungry,” her mother says, smiling. she reaches out to chase the edge of snow’s jaw. “you haven’t eaten in weeks. not even a peasant boy.”
snow white looks up, startled. “they aren’t filling,” snow white says.
“no,” agrees her new mother. “i agree. i prefer kings, when i can get them.”
“i prefer mothers.”
“i am not your mother.”
“then what are you?”
her smile is slow and bitter red. “my mother made the woods a promise, and the promise was me. she did not know that promises must be paid in blood, and sustained in blood, and that the blood was also me. she got what she wanted, and i ate until i was as full as a human could make me.”
“are there others? like you? …. like me?”
“there were,” the queen says. “once, there were many of us, and all of us were starving.”
snow white does not yet understand. “then what happened? where did they go? how did you survive?”
the queen runs a finger along the fabric of snow white’s blanket. her nail rips a line through the thread. “humans are weak, snow white. a thousand of them would not be enough to fill us up. but we are strong. our hearts can sustain a body for a hundred lifetimes.”
her teeth grow long. “i have been hungry for such a long time,” she says.
snow white understands.
she runs.
*
it hurts: her skin is so hot it is nearly on fire. her feet blister as she runs. she has never been outside of the castle grounds, but the woods are dark and shaded. the shade is like jumping into a pool of water. the red bleeds from her skin, leaving her fair and white once more.
she hides inside the hollow of a tree (the woods created her and the woods will keep her safe until her mother’s debt is paid). she sleeps while the hunting parties pass her by, all but one. he is a huntsman. he knows the woods. he knows the woods have favorites, and protect them; but the woods are old and can be tricked.
he waits.
when she emerges, it is dark. her skin is so white he almost wants to drink it. she is small, her hair so black he thinks she has woven the night sky into it. as he notches his bow he thinks it seems a shame to kill something so beautiful, something so beloved by the woods. the huntsman is loved by the woods, too. he knows how its favorites suffer.
she turns to look at him. when their eyes meet he sees his deepest desires. her eyes promise to give it to him. we are the chosen, her eyes promise, as she approaches and he does not shoot. cannot shoot. cannot look away.
“i am so hungry,” she whispers, reaching out to touch his face. “my father hasn’t fed me.”
“she wants your heart,” the huntsman confesses.
snow white knows that already. snow white is beginning to understand the bargain that her mother made.
“she cannot have it,” snow white says, and her teeth get long, and she eats.
*
“mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
I like to think that Hermione wasn’t the only one to figure out that Prof. Lupin was a werewolf. I mean, even if Snape assigned that essay to just their class, I can’t really believe that nobody else put the clues together.
Specifically, I like to think that there was some upper year who figured it out because they paid really close attention in class. Like, not just “I have OWLs this year and I need to get good grades” close attention, but “Prof. Lupin is so nice and so funny and he has such a nice smile, and wow, I am really gay” close attention.
Let’s all be real, here, Remus Lupin probably holds the all-time Hogwarts record for “Most embarrassing adolescent daydreams and adolescent sexual/romantic awakenings caused”. There was a lot of math being done about age differences by students, but to no avail, because Remus was entirely oblivious to everything, because they’re all children.
That student just wanted to ask some questions about the latest assignment, is obviously genuinely interested in the subject matter, and all that lashes-fluttering was them probably just having something in their eye. He asked and they said so. (And then they promptly turned bright red and screamed pure embarrassment into a couch cushion later when their friend asked how it went. “HE THOUGHT I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE, SAM.”)
The result of this student figuring out Prof. Lupin was a werewolf did not result in a panic about their teacher being a werewolf, though. At least, not the sort of panic that Snape might have expected.
“I read that the transformation is really painful, that’s so awful,” says Oliver Beamish, doodling hearts on his Defense essay again. “Do you think he’s okay? He always looks so sick. I mean, he’s so handsome, but he looks ill. I want to smother him and feed him soup, is that weird?”
“Yes, Beamish, that’s really quite queer,” Linda Peakes says, even though she knows that he isn’t actually listening. Replying makes her feel better, though, for having to sit through this and having Oliver Lupin written over every bit of spare parchment that comes into proximity of her friend.
“Is he eating alright? I read that werewolves should eat more before a full moon to help with how exhausting the transformation is - and there was something about filling the bloody and animalistic hunger, but that sounded like bullshit. Do you think he’s getting enough sleep? He should get more sleep; if full moons are really so awful, he definitely needs it. I don’t know if I could take that, though, since he already looks so handsome with rings under his eyes. I want him happy, but I’m not sure I could cope.”
“I already can’t cope; you’ve become a lunatic,” says Linda, weighing the benefits between having a competent Defense teacher and having to listen to Beamish wonder about how to care for his imaginary werewolf boyfriend.
Lunatic, indeed.
She is a master of humor.
Sadly, she has plans for her school path and career track, so the competent teacher side wins. Also, Hufflepuff House took a poll and he’s been rated the nicest and most well-liked teacher after Sprout and Flitwick; she’s pretty sure most of their house would cry if he left, and a heartbroken Beamish might be worse than a mooning one.She’s not willing to risk it.
Heh, mooning. She’ll have to remember that one too.
(She begins plotting the death of Severus Snape when Remus Lupin is fired. She has plans, damn it. Also, so many puns ruined.)
So I lent my friend my mainland Chinese copy of Good Omens, and she’s been commenting on various stuff in the book to me as she read along. One day she messaged, “Crowley’s so cute, chasing after the hedgehogs like that.”
And I said, “……………..what?????!?”
So she told me where in the book it was, and it was the part after Cr&Az realized that Warlock isn’t the kid, talked to the nun, and got out of the hospital. It did say that Crowley was “trying to hit a hedgehog and missing”, but I soon realized that the “second line” she told me that’s about the hedgehog is, “The angel stared out at the rushing hedgerows.” Apparently the Chinese translator read “hedgerows” and thought it was “hedgehogs” again. Obviously it didn’t make a huge change to the plot line, but basically, in the Chinese version of Good Omens, Crowley chased a hedgehog while convincing Aziraphale, “drove in silence for a while”, and then chatted with Aziraphale some more. Meanwhile Aziraphale saw everything but decided to let Crowley do his thing.
So…yeah.
You know, between life and what’s happening in politics and work and too much travel and missing my baby son (he and Amanda are at a conference in Canada and I am hiding to try and make a deadline) it’s been a rotten week.
This, for the record, suddenly made everything really good. It may be my favourite ever Tumblr post.
Okay, so with this new Vision 'verse, how does Padme fit in later? Is Shmi all about this girl and when they first meet weirdly attached to this baby senator? Is Obi-Wan also weirdly attached, or is he conflicted because this woman caused his padawan to form Attachments? And lastly, we have Anakin. Fully-remembering-bad-timeline Anakin. How does he act around her, knowing that in another timeline he killed her and she had his children?
Shmi is definitely all about her and definitely weirdly attached. Obi-Wan is … weirdly CONCERNED, more than anything else, but also attached because yeah, it’s not Padmé’s fault Anakin went Dark Side, Sidious would’ve just found some other way to get into his head. She didn’t handle everything perfectly, but neither did HE, so it’s not like he’s got a damn leg to stand on.
Anakin, now. Anakin is gonna be the concerning thing. Because I know you all think this is gonna be awkward hilarity but honestly? Honestly? LOOK, WE’VE COME THIS FAR WITHOUT ANGST, GUYS, AND GODDAMN IF I’M GONNA LET DOWN THE SIDE AND MAKE A FLUFF-ONLY AU WHEN I’VE GOT THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO RUIN LITERALLY EVERYONE’S LIVES.
“Are you alright?” Padmé asks softly, ducking under the table just enough to clearly see the little boy hiding underneath it. Rabé and Captain Panaka and the others are in the throne room with the Jedi, still, but when she saw the unfamiliar boy peering in from the doorway and then fleeing in alarm the moment he was noticed, she couldn’t just leave him alone. “You’re not from the palace. Are you lost?”
The boy lets out another cracked little sob, and huddles back against the wall.
Luke and Leia have exactly zero percent fear response to sensing the Dark Side. This will definitely never backfire on anyone ever.
The handmaidens regularly take turns going on missions with Vader. Usually there’s two of them; there’s almost always at least one. Padmé slightly hates herself for sending them, but has no intention of stopping sending them. She hates herself a lot more for a lot of other things she’s still doing. The handmaidens don’t answer to Vader and Vader doesn’t answer to the handmaidens, but they DO occasionally remind him what Padmé said in the briefing.
Padmé has nightmares every time that Vader is too far away to sense her having nightmares. She has no idea if this is because that’s when she has the room to or if it’s just because he’s out of her reach, and she doesn’t want to know either way.
I may have mentioned this before but OH MAN, does Vader feel SO CONTENT in the Dark. Like, it is warm and soft and cozy as FUCK to him. He loves it. It’s GREAT. Which, well, he’s probably accessing it through mostly positive emotions, barring some murder-rages and the like, so that should probably make sense, buuuut that also means he’s fueled more than a few horrible slaughters on the power of love, lol. Not even in the VENGEFUL AND PROTECTIVE sense, either, just literally the soft happy feeling of Padmé’s lips pressing to the corner of his mouth or the twin’s little hands in his.
Eventually, Padmé is accidentally going to genuinely injure Vader in bed. It is not going to go well. The WAY in which it is not going to go well remains up for debate.
WHENEVER YOU SEE THIS POST ON YOUR DASH, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND WRITE ONE SENTENCE FOR YOUR CURRENT PROJECT.
Just one sentence. Stop blogging for one minute and write a single sentence. It could be dialogue, it could be a nice description of scenery, it could be a metaphor, I don’t care. The point is, do it. Then, when you finish, you can get back to blogging.
If this gets viral, you might just have your novel finished by next Tuesday.
Goddamn it, it’s back.
If it stays back, I might manage to finish a third story this year. Jesus.
I swear, this is now my only writing motivation.
BACK AGAIN??? Sigh.
Okay, sorry if anyone gets sick of this, but it’s the best way for me to get myself to write.
I just realized……Hydra knew super-soldiers could survive despite being cryogenically frozen, because they did it to the Winter Soldier.
So they knew for certain that Captain America was alive after he crashed the plane in the Arctic.
I find the timing of Cap’s find very suspicious.
I personally believe Obadiah Stane was somewhat affiliated with Hydra (and had them send the Winter Soldier to have Howard killed). And he could easily influence where Howard searched for Steve and the plane.
I believe that Obadiah misdirected Howard intentionally whenever it looled like he was close, bc Hydra didn’t want Captain America back.
It was only when Obadiah died that SHIELD found Cap.
“Are you really going to vote for Clinton just because she isn’t Trump?”
Yes? I would literally elect Chef Boyardee because he isn’t Trump.
Why you should Vote for Hillary if you are a Bernie supporter
College costs:
Bernie: Free. Hillary: Significantly cheaper than currently, free for those who need it. Trump: Defrauded poor and working class people for 10s of thousands of dollars of tuition.
Minimum wage:
Bernie: 15 Hillary: 12-15 Trump: Imported undocumented workers and underpaid them to work on his projects. Currently makes his clothing line in China for tiny wages.
Immigration: Hillary and Bernie: Path to citizenship. Trump: THROW THEM OUT! BUILD A WALL!
Taxes: Bernie: Deep tax increases on the wealthy (and middle class). Hillary: Some tax increases on the wealthy. Trump: Cut’em. Cut’em all!
Racism: Bernie: Solving income inequality will solve racism. Hillary: we need a good plan to increase opportunities to minorities beyond solving income inequality. Trump: Yeah, dun care.
Sexism: Bernie: Solving income inequality will solve sexism. Hillary: Full support of all equal rights issues. Trump: Ladies, all your vag are belong to me (no fatties).
Gun control: Bernie: Mayyyyyybbbie, if you convince me hard enough. Hillary: Yep. Trump: Shoot’em if you gott’em.
Please do not listen to 25 years of GOP propaganda. Hillary has worked on progressive causes for 40 years.
She was the 11th most liberal senator while in the Senate.
Due to Republican hatred, she is the most investigated person in the country and nothing has ever come of it. She is not a criminal, she could not be a criminal, they would have found something they could have trumped up charges on in 25 years of endless, ongoing investigations. She’s been abused by the GOP and burned by the press over and over and is still pursuing her goal. She is smart and ambitious and experienced and tenacious and knowledgeable and practical and none of those are bad things for a President. Jill Stein may be a nice woman, but she has no governmental experience and practically no platform. Gary Johnson is a Republican who cares less about social issues. Hillary and Bernie have more politically in common than any other candidates. Please, if you care about the issues that Bernie cares about, think about voting Hillary.
I’m a Bernie supporter but its a cold day in hell I’ll let Trump win the presidency
To add, Clinton and Sanders voted the same 93% of the time they were in the senate together.
Darling, dear, love. Hamilton/Laurens Literally anything during the revolutionary era Perhaps even just how they got together. /Please/, for me? <3
Anything for you, Laurens.
Soooo…I know you wanted fluff…we’re not doing that. I don’t actually know if Laurens was in
Washington’s camp for this, but we’re going to assume history is flexible
because extensive googling did not produce an actual date or shit for this
battle (besides ‘between September 1777 and June 1778’), which was hardly a
battle at all. Also technically Lee sent
a letter but whatever, we’re doing Some Shit with history anyway, might as well
go hard.
to see our glory
The
message from Lee was greeted by a long beat of silence.
“My
sympathies, Your Excellency,” Lee said, doing a poor job of imitating poise as
his shirtsleeves dripped steadily on the ground. The word simper
drifted through John’s mind at the sound of Lee’s voice.
“Yes,”
General Washington said flatly, both hands braced on the table that had been
serving duty as a tactical map minutes before.
John couldn’t bring himself to look away from where the general’s little
finger had pushed aside the marker of a British fort, one that he and Alexander
had been bickering over not a day past.
“Thank you for informing me, Major General. You are dismissed.”
Lee
left, and the tent was deathly silent, the general still standing over the
table with his head down, John still fixed in place where he stood near the far
corner of the table, the handful of other men in the tent stony.
“Gentlemen,”
General Washington said, his voice perfectly controlled. “Please send for the Marquis, he will want to
know. If my aides would stay, it would
be appreciated. The rest of you are
dismissed.”
concept: a TV show with a dark, tragic, fucked-up beginning that steadily gets happier and lighter and more hopeful as the seasons go on, the narrative arc premised on healing and growth instead of a “gritty” downspiral, the challenges faced in each season finale leaving the characters in a progressively better place. nobody queer dies, and the worst things we ever see after season 1 all happen in flashbacks to events preceding the now.
I would love to see this.
Leverage, my darlings. You’re talking about Leverage.
I’ve seen a lot of remixes around, especially for Laurens, so I thought I’d join the club and try my hand at “The World was Wide Enough” set in the skirmish at the Combahee River in SC. This is based off of the speculation I’ve seen where the reason Laurens was so reckless in battle could have been because he was depressed and suicidal. There are references to the Laurens/Hamilton correspondence, like Laurens’ pet name for Hamilton.
-
Ensemble: one two three four five six seven eight nine…
WHENEVER YOU SEE THIS POST ON YOUR DASH, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND WRITE ONE SENTENCE FOR YOUR CURRENT PROJECT.
Just one sentence. Stop blogging for one minute and write a single sentence. It could be dialogue, it could be a nice description of scenery, it could be a metaphor, I don’t care. The point is, do it. Then, when you finish, you can get back to blogging.
If this gets viral, you might just have your novel finished by next Tuesday.
Goddamn it, it’s back.
If it stays back, I might manage to finish a third story this year. Jesus.
I swear, this is now my only writing motivation.
BACK AGAIN??? Sigh.
Okay, sorry if anyone gets sick of this, but it’s the best way for me to get myself to write.
it’s amazing how frozone’s wife didn’t even show her face in the incredibles and had like the smallest role ever yet somehow succeeded in delivering the best lines in animation history
I HOPE THOMAS JEFFERSON IS HAVING A BAD FOURTH OF JULY IN HELL
Fuck you he was hella cool, Hancock was the fuck face
THOMAS JEFFERSON OWNED SLAVES, SOME OF WHOM WERE HIS OWN CHILDREN WHO HE FATHERED BY MOLESTING A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD SLAVE WHEN HE WAS IN HIS FORTIES, AND WHEN HE WAS CALLED UPON TO EXPLAIN THE HYPOCRISY OF WRITING “ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL” WHILE KEEPING HUMAN BEINGS AS SLAVES, HE REASONED THAT THIS DIDN’T APPLY TO SLAVES BECAUSE HE BELIEVED BLACK PEOPLE WERE SUBHUMAN ANYWAY. HE OWNED HUNDREDS OF SLAVES WHOSE LIVES AND FREEDOM HE STOLE SO HE WOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY THE WORKERS IN FORCED LABOR CAMP HE OWNED AND OPERATED. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BENEVOLENT SLAVE MASTER. THIS IS A MATTER OF HISTORICAL RECORD, NOT A MATTER OF OPINION. IF THERE IS A HELL, THOMAS JEFFERSON DESERVES TO BE THERE.
“Until she convinces me otherwise, I assume that her emotional reaction to a situation is disproportionate to my opinion of what level of emotional reaction the situation calls for. Basically, if she’s on eight, I assume the situation is really a six.”—
I cannot think of a man with whom I have ever shared negative feelings who did not make it obvious, however hard he might’ve tried to hide it, that he is going through this mental process.
And
yes, if you’re a man reading this and thinking, “Oh no, but she’s told
me her negative feelings and I’ve responded by asking her questions
about why she feels that way, does she mean me???” Yes, I mean you. I
mean all of you. I am calling all of you out for this right now. No, I
don’t want to have a private conversation about it, because I’m done
with that emotional labor. If this describes you and you’re still in my
life as a friend or partner, assume that I have accepted this sort of
microinvalidation as the cost of doing business. But my acceptance of
reality doesn’t make it any more *acceptable*.
I just learned this today from my mom (who learned it from NPR) but I looked it up and it is legit. If you see an animal, other than a dog, which is covered in porcupine quills, stay away. It is almost certainly rabid.
Dogs are naturally curious and have a knack for getting into trouble. But otherwise, nature’s wild animals know to stay away from porcupines. The only animals willing to attack a porcupine are either martens (which have a specific technique) or rabid animals that are already in the throws of rabies madness. According to the vet on this month’s ‘Pets and Vets’ on NPR, every animal she saw (other than dogs) brought in with porcupine quills also had rabies.
So when you see that cute raccoon, clearly in distress, covered in porcupine quills, stay away and call animal control. It is not in distress because it is covered in quills, it is in distress because it is rabid and that is why it approached a porcupine in the first place.
Rabies is incurable. Please don’t let your good heartedness lead to you getting a fatal illness.
This is important but I would like to add that rabies is curable/preventable if you seek treatment before the onset of symptoms. It’s best to avoid contact in the first place, so don’t take that to mean “oh it’s okay to approach this probably-rabid dog,” but if a wild/stray animal should bite you in spite of your best efforts, disinfect the wound and seek a rabies vaccination ASAP!!
One time I used my retail voice on a coworker and she was like, “Don’t use your customer voice on me, I know you’re dead inside like the rest of us, it’s just frightening and weird”
The other day I asked for a table for two in my customer voice and the waitress squinted at me and I cleared my throat and said “Sorry, still in service mode” and she dropped hers and we swapped stories about our day and my boyfriend was like “You two just became two entirely different people in like .5 seconds…”
I can be bitching up a blue streak about a customer-from-hell while the store is empty, and when the phone rings swap over to my retail voice practically in mid-sentence. I even have managers and salespeople from other stores in the chain fooled into thinking I’m infinitely friendly and helpful, and my manager’s husband thinks I’m one of the most professional people in the store. One assistant manager’s daughter dubbed me Perky-Pants because she mostly dealt with me over the phone, and was shocked to the core when I dropped an F-bomb at her graduation picnic.
The acting required in the service industry is beyond the pale. My cousin freaked out when she came to see me at work because I was all smiling and nice while helping someone who was asking inane questions and who basically forced me to walk them to the product and put it in their fucking hand but I was nice as pie until I turned around to walk away and my demeanor changed back to normal and I muttered “what a fucking moron” under my breath as I got back to my cousin. She just looked at me shocked and said “no wonder you’re so exhausted when you get home.”
this is actually referred to as emotional labor in criminology, and is considered one of the hardest forms of labor
The art of bullshit is strong in the service industry
hey, i'm thinking of watching leverage- can you, like, explain it to me
Imagine if Robin Hood was in the 21st century except instead of King John it’s major corporations and instead of Robin Hood it’s an alcoholic ex-insurance cop lying to himself about being a good man and so hardbitten noir you practically choke on the cigarette smoke
oh and instead of the Merry Men you’ve got a hacker with a heart of gold who once drained the Icelandic bank for his grandmother’s medical bills, a self-loathing hitter who likes to pretend he’s an island when in actuality all he wants is someone to ask him to stay, and a thief who doesn’t melt or soften so much as find her footing, her home, and people who love her.
(also, spoilers, they are all married)
………..and Maid Marian is actually a grifter par excellence, femme fatale in the grand noir tradition, who is selfish and kind and the closest thing to a functional adult in the group, which is sort of terrifying, except for all the parts where it is amazing
It’s coming out in the news today that a teacher raped their 13-year old student. That’s the truth of it.
But since the teacher is a woman, the media’s reporting it as “Engaged
in a sexual relationship” and dudes all over the internet are
congratulating the kid on getting laid. Some even express jealousy.
To reiterate: He is 13. He is under the age of consent. By textbook
definition, this is sexual assault, because he legally cannot consent.
It bears repeating.
You may have heard the term “Rape Culture”.
It refers to a society that implicitly and indirectly cultivates the
mentalities that result both in sexual assault happening and its not
being punished properly when it happens.
In other words: This.
This is Rape Culture.
It’s the idea that men and boys cannot be victims. It is the idea that
there are circumstances when minors can consent to adults regarding sex.
It is romanticizing something that is irrefutably assault.
It is disgusting. It is wrong. And it is shameful.
Absolutely everyone that thinks this is a laughing matter is an embarrassment.
I’ve already seen posts on facebook about how people are impressed that he can “get laid with that haircut” He didn’t “get laid” he was targeted and assaulted by a pedophile.
Women talk about rape and men shoot them down with “WHAT ABOUT MALE VICTIMS”, yet when there is an actual male victim? They’re CONGRATULATING him while it’s women stepping forward to say that this poor boy was absolutely 100% raped. So what is it, MRA types? What about the male victims?
You get a membership to a tiny rundown gym as a present from your eccentric uncle. It takes some time, but you begin to grow suspicious: Is every member here a…super hero?
Okay but if I was writing this I would drag out this person’s investigation to the last possible minute and be like NOPE, SUPERVILLAINS.
“My eldest daughter, Suldana, is in love with another woman. She is eighteen and she spends her days working at our kiosk selling milk and eggs, and at night she sneaks out and goes down to the beach to see her lover. She crawls back into bed at dawn, smelling of sea and salt and perfume. Suldana is beautiful and she wraps this beauty around herself like a shawl of stars. When she smiles her dimples deepen and you can’t help but be charmed. When she walks down the street men stare and whistle and ache. But they cannot have her. Every day marriage proposals arrive with offers of high dowries but I wave them away. We never talk about these things like mothers and daughters should; but I respect her privacy and I allow her to live.”—Diriye Osman, “Fairytales For Lost Children.” (via mamma-wolf)
Nurse:
"Sorry your boyfriend couldn't wait for you in the waiting room, it makes women feel uncomfortable."
Me:
"He wasn't my boyfriend and I don't see how it would make them uncomfortable, but that's my opinion. He was here for moral support. I understood, and so does he."
Nurse:
"So he's your...."
Me:
"Friend."
Nurse:
(During the question asking) "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me:
"11."
Nurse:
"How old were you when you first became sexually active?"
Me:
"....Loaded question but....14, I guess."
Nurse:
"You're sexually active, then."
Me:
"Well....I guess...but..."
Nurse:
"How many times have you been pregnant?"
Me:
"Uh. 0."
Nurse:
"O...kayy...-Checks 'condoms' as my preferred use of birth control-"
do you ever look at Successful™ people your age and feel like you’re just floating your way thru life like a very bewildered and directionless bumblebee
Hold up - you mean there are people who watch Fight Club and don’t realise that Tyler Durden is meant to be full of shit?
I mean, his doctrine of radical individualism is a sham that ultimately reduces his followers to faceless conformity. This isn’t deep metatextual wankery - it’s the literal text of the film.
How do you see the film and not get that?
My ex didn’t get this. He loves Tyler durden. I’ve never seen fight club so I DIDN’T KNOW.
Yeah, in the film he’s a total con-man. His grand speeches sound good if you don’t think about them too deeply, but they’re not meant to be insightful - they’re meant to be a snake-oil salesman’s patter, calculated to bamboozle dumb, angry young men into doing his bidding.
Trouble is, they’re sufficiently well-written that apparently they work on the dumb, angry young men in the audience, too.
I’ve actually written about this academically! There’s a really specific genre I call bro cinema that includes fight club, all of kubricks work, some Scorsese, and Tarantino (all of which I love TBH.) These directors don’t explicitly condemn toxic masculinity and instead trust the audience to have COMMON SENSE and realize that Alex from A Clockwork Orange or Tyler Durden or Travis Bickle are horrific misogynists. But without the film telling the audience how to feel about these characters, men misinterpret the objectivity as glorification. Fight Club is about how shitty masculinity is, but it’s been warped by men grasping for justification for their misogyny
I JUST REALIZED that this is why I love Fight Club but I hate that my dad loves Fight Club
shipping isn’t activism but let’s not underestimate the literally transformative power of oceans of happy life-affirming queer stories being available online free of charge to any terrified and confused kid who would like to be a little less terrified and confused
I spent thirty plus years thinking I was broken, and then fanfiction introduced me to the concept of asexuality in a way I could relate to. Don’t tell me this stuff isn’t valuable.
I went to a talk at my grad school where a professor of sexuality and queer studies found that gay fanfiction INCREASED sex positivity in LGBTQ+ teens.
Aka, reading fanfiction helped them feel better about their sexualities.
the stereotype that women talk more than men is infinitely amusing to me because men are literally incapable of shutting the fuck up
i hope this post gets popular enough that i hurt a man’s feelings
It’s not a stereotype it’s a proven fact you femanazi piece of shit.
lmao there it is
You wanna talk proven facts? This shit’s been done, son: researcher Dale Spencer in Australia used audio and video tape to independently evaluate who talked the most in mixed-gender university classroom discussions. Regardless of the gender ratio of the students, whether the instructor was deliberately trying to encourage female participation or not, men always talked more—whether the metric was minutes of talking or number of words spoken.
Moreover, men literally have no clue how much they talk. When Spencer asked students to evaluate their perception of who talked more in a given discussion, women were pretty accurate; but men perceived the discussion as being “equal” when women talked only 15% of the time, and the discussion as being dominated by women if they talked only 30% of the time.
Spencer’s conclusion, if I may parahprase: you only think we talk too much because you’d rather we were silent.
Darling, dear, love. Hamilton/Laurens Literally anything during the revolutionary era Perhaps even just how they got together. /Please/, for me? <3
Anything for you, Laurens.
Soooo…I know you wanted fluff…we’re not doing that. I don’t actually know if Laurens was in
Washington’s camp for this, but we’re going to assume history is flexible
because extensive googling did not produce an actual date or shit for this
battle (besides ‘between September 1777 and June 1778’), which was hardly a
battle at all. Also technically Lee sent
a letter but whatever, we’re doing Some Shit with history anyway, might as well
go hard.
to see our glory
The
message from Lee was greeted by a long beat of silence.
“My
sympathies, Your Excellency,” Lee said, doing a poor job of imitating poise as
his shirtsleeves dripped steadily on the ground. The word simper
drifted through John’s mind at the sound of Lee’s voice.
“Yes,”
General Washington said flatly, both hands braced on the table that had been
serving duty as a tactical map minutes before.
John couldn’t bring himself to look away from where the general’s little
finger had pushed aside the marker of a British fort, one that he and Alexander
had been bickering over not a day past.
“Thank you for informing me, Major General. You are dismissed.”
Lee
left, and the tent was deathly silent, the general still standing over the
table with his head down, John still fixed in place where he stood near the far
corner of the table, the handful of other men in the tent stony.
“Gentlemen,”
General Washington said, his voice perfectly controlled. “Please send for the Marquis, he will want to
know. If my aides would stay, it would
be appreciated. The rest of you are
dismissed.”
Something that a lot of people don’t realize is that abusers are capable of being nice. Yes, abusers can do acts of kindness. These acts of kindness do not mean that they aren’t abusive. They’re still abusers.
If your parents constantly tell you that you’re worthless, but provide you with everything you want, they’re still abusive.
If your boyfriend screams at you whenever you do something he doesn’t like, but cuddles you and calls you beautiful, he’s still abusive.
If your friend threatens to never talk to you again when you try to talk to other people, but is always there for you when you need them, they’re still abusive.
Acts of kindness do not make up for their abuse. This is a method that abusers use to keep you attached to them and make you less likely to leave them. You are not a bad person for leaving someone if they cause constant harm to you. Their kindness does not outweigh the harm and pain they caused you. Their kindness does not justify their abuse. Abusers can do good things for their victims and still be abusers.
Abuse is *never* justifiable.
The idea that abusers are cartoon bad guys who are constantly terrible needs to die. Nobody would form an attachment to an abuser or find it difficult to leave one if they behaved badly all the time.
And here’s the other thing: that popular misconception about abusers as cartoon bad guys with no redeeming qualities is ACTIVELY USED BY ABUSERS TO GASLIGHT THEIR VICTIMS. I’m not even kidding. The last conversation I had with my father, I was literally listing off incidents where his behavior had been abusive, and he came back with “but I took you kids to Europe when you were 16, how many kids get to do that? You had your own car at 16, traveled abroad, I paid for that nice house with the pool and the waterfall, sent you on trips” etc. He literally actually cited his good moments as if it were a reasonable “balance” for the abusive shit and therefore I should just be okay with it. Because that’s what people seem to think.
And I still doubt myself because of it! I still ask myself am I sure it was abuse, am I sure it really *counted*? My dad did love me, to the fullest extent that he’s capable of it, and he showed it in the ways he was capable of…but he was also abusive, and those things can coexist in the same person, same relationship, at the same time. Not acknowledging that supports abusers and disempowers victims.
Contractions function almost identically to the full two-word phrase, but are only appropriate in some places in a sentence. It’s one of the weird quirks of this language we’ve.
This post needs some kind of warning sign.
I did not see that coming.
Some people say the English language is confusing. To which I say… It’s.
gluten is not bad for you if you’re not allergic/don’t have celiac disease
superfoods aren’t real, they’re just healthy things with maybe some nicer levels of certain vitamins
vaccines do not cause autism or really anything else and the chemicals present in them that typically scare you are in such minute amounts that they do precisely fuck-all in your body (we’re talking scales of one part per million)
you cannot do a cleanse or diet to “rid your body of toxins,” your kidneys and liver have that covered
GMO foods will not kill you; most genetic crop modification just makes our crops hardier and produce more food (and genetic modification doesn’t inject more chemicals into your food, it’s just minor altering of DNA that is made of the exact same stuff your DNA is made from)
if you feed your cat a vegan diet I will personally come to your home with the skull of a long-dead predator, point out the shape of its jaw and teeth as indicators of predatory feeding habits, and then beat you with it
as a biochem major i get so salty when people give me shit for supporting GMOs like we’re not creatiNG CANCER CAUSING ALIEN CROPS it’s literally hey let’s splice this gene from this plant into another plant to give it properties of first plant
literally one of my favorite romance tropes of all time is character a is a really notorious gang leader/well known feared ruler of some kind etc and no one dares cross them or talk back to them etc because they won’t make it out alive but character b can literally get away with saying whatever they want and everyone knows it’s because they have character a wrapped around their finger and character a is gentle with character b and everyone wouldn’t dare laying a finger on character b because then character a would literally chop their head off
bonus points if character a is normally extremely serious (aka no sense of humor) but when character b makes a joke or a witty comeback they will actually smile and even laugh sometimes and all the other characters are just like ???????
