yknow if romeo had just Cried on juliets corpse for a couple hours instead of drinking poison Right Then they would have been Fine
The moral of the story is: always take time to cry for a few hours before making important decisions.
So I’m more or less being facetious here, but this is actually a thing.
Hamlet is genre savvy. Hamlet knows how Tragedies work, and he’s not going to rush in and get stabby without making absolutely certain he’s got all the facts.
Except once he thinks he has all the facts – once he’s certain that it really is the ghost of his father and Claudius really did kill him, he rushes in and stabs the wrong guy, which starts a domino line of deaths and gets Laertes embroiled in his own revenge tragedy and ultimately results in the deaths of nearly every character other than Horatio.
That’s the irony and the tragedy of the story. Hamlet knows his tropes and actively tries to avoid them, and the tropes get him anyway. It’s inevitable, the tropes are hungry.
I want a sticker that says the tropes are hungry so I can put it on my laptop
i met a scholar once who said that tragedies aren’t about a silly “flaw” or anything, it’s about having a hero who’s just in the wrong goddamn story
if hamlet swapped places with othello he wouldn’t be duped by any of iago’s shit, he’d sit down & have a good think & actually examine the facts before taking action. meanwhile in denmark, othello would have killed claudius before act 2 could even start. but instead nope, they’re both in situations where their greatest strengths are totally useless and now we’ve got all these bodies to bury.
why do nice girls always go for the assholes i dont even like pegging
No. Just. NO. I am so sick of this bullshit stereotype being both perpetuated AND played out. No.
um
Saying nice girls go with the assholes is the biggest stereotype in relationships of all time
uM
We don’t go with assholes, we go with the people who give us attention at the right time and ignore us at the right time and it just so happens to be the people who don’t care about us and it’s stupid a/f
This post represents tumblr
Okay but like that’s the most true stereotype ever… so many dumb nice girls date douchebags lmao
ARE YOU SERIOUS
The problem is not that nice girls date assholes, it’s that nice girls *knowingly* date assholes and then have the nerve to complain and ask “why can’t I find a nice guy?”
Douchebags always date douchebags. The kicker is douchebags have 0 self-awareness that they are douchebags so in turn they complain that “they can never find a nice guy/sane girl.”
Holy fuck man not you too
So many non-comprehending mother fuckers
Pure comedy gold.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
This post is a perfect example of what people mean when we talk about how nobody on this godforsaken website has any fucking reading comprehension skills
one thing I want to say today relates to my current job. (As you guys know, I’ve left off working in science labs to work an office job in sci comm. My role is kind of … nebulous and involves a lot of “oh, Elodie can help you with that, she does weird stuff. Train Elodie on that.”)
Because it’s an office job, the mentality is for everyone to present their workflows as incredibly difficult and skilled, requiring a lot of training and experience to do properly. Which is fair enough! These skills are difficult!
“Elodie, today we are going to train you to use… A HIGHLY COMPLICATED AND DIFFICULT WEBSITE INTERFACE. You will need to take a lot of notes and pay careful attention, because it is extremely advanced. ARE YOU READY”
“… This is Wordpress.”
“…No it isn’t! it says something different at the top. And it’s very complicated, it’s not something you can just know already.”
“Nah son, don’t worry, it’s Wordpress. I mean, God knows I don’t blog much, but I can manage me a bit of Wordpress, it’s cool.”
“No. You can’t. Don’t worry, it’s very difficult. Now sit still and be trained on how to upload a photo to Wordpress.”
“All right.”
—-
“Elodie, do you think that you can MANAGE SOCIAL MEDIA? It is INCREDIBLY HARD and may involve THE HASHTAGS”
“… I think I’ll manage.”
—-
“Elodie, can you put a HYPERLINK in a thing? Think about it before you answer.”
“Is it like a BBCode kind of thing, with the boxy bracket things, or do you want it in HTML, with like angley bracket things?”
“It is a button that you press that says HYPERLINK.”
“I can do this thing for you.”
—-
“Elodie, can you write a punchy summary that will make people want to click on a special link that says “read more” to read all of the text?“
“Probably?”
—-
“Elodie, this is how to use TAGS on CONTENT. TAGS on CONTENT are important because - because of THINGS. Things that are too arcane and mysterious for anyone below the level of Manager to know.”
“Cool, I can tag stuff for you.”
—-
“Elodie, this is obviously a ridiculous question, but can you edit videos?”
“Not very well, and only if you want to make it look like there is sexual tension between characters from different forms of visual media, or perhaps to make a trailer for a fanfiction? Which is not necessarily a good use of my time and I’m not sure why I felt it was so cool to do to begin with…”
“What?”
“Actually, upon further reflection: no. No. Nope. I can’t edit videos. They’re completely beyond me. Not in my wheelhouse. Hate videos. Hate them. No innate skill whatsoever.”
“That’s what we thought”
—-
“Elodie?! You can use PHOTOSHOP?!”
“Yeah, I mean, I usually just use Pixlr. It’s free, it’s online, it’s powerful, you don’t have to download anything…”
“but you are not a GRAPHIC DESIGNER!!”
“Er… no.”
“Next you’ll be telling us you can MAKE AN ANIMATED PICTURE.”
“I mean, I haven’t really done a lot of it since Livejournal, and they weren’t that good anyway, but yeah… I can do you reaction images.”
“THAT IS WITCHCRAFT”
“Yes. Definitely.”
—-
What I’m trying to say is: a lot of people talk a lot of crap about what we Millenials do on the Internet, because there is NO CAPITALISTIC VALUE in the screwing around we do with our friends. “Ughh why are you ALWAYS on the computer?” our parents whined.
“How did you make the text go all slanty like that?” our bosses wonder.
We have decades of experience in Photoshop. We know how to communicate; we can make people across the planet care about our problems. We know how to edit media to make two characters look like they’re having the sexual tensions. We can make people read our posts, follow us, share our content. We run and manage our own websites - and make them pretty. We moderate conversations, enforce commenting policies, manage compromises, lead battles, encourage peace, defend ourselves from attack, inspire others, and foster incredible levels of communication.
We produce our art. We advertise our art. We engage with others through our art. We accept constructive criticism and dismiss destructive trolling of our art. We improve our art. Our art gets better.
We narrate our stories.
All by ourselves. Our pretty blog backgrounds, custom-edited themes, tasteful graphics, punchy content, clever gifs, our snappy putdowns and smart-ass text posts, even our familiarity with fonts and composition - all of these skills we’ve casually accumulated for fun/approval are MINDBLOWING LEVELS OF COMPETENCE IN THE WORKFORCE.
When these skills are sold to you - when they’re packaged and marketed, and when you pay to consume them and have the Elders rate you on them - they are incredibly valuable. They are Media and Communications degrees. They are marketing internships. They are leadership workshops. They are graphics design modules. They are web design courses. They are programming courses. We are good at this shit; we have it nailed down.
You can’t put “fandom” or “blogging” on your CV, but you deserve to. You should get this credit. You should claim this power and authority.
Claim these skills. They are valuable. They are important.
Everything you have ever done is a part of your powerful makings.
I want to second what elodieunderglass has to say here, because it’s so true. You want to buff up your resume or your LinkedIn page?
-if you know enough html to do <i>this is italic text</i>, then you understand HTML and can pretty much call yourself a Junior Developer
-if you ever wanted to customize your LJ or tumblr and copied someone’s CSS code and then went in and tweaked font color and added your own header image? You understand CSS and again, you can put Junior Developer in your LinkedIn title.
-if you can use twitter and tumblr and put hashtags and regular tags on stuff, you’re a Social Media Manager. If you can get people to follow you and comment back, you have Demonstrated Social Media Efficacy.
-if you can use Photoshop (or Pixlr!) to make five million pictures of Natalie Dormer really pretty, you are a Photo Editor.
-if you can migrate some of your Photoshop skills to InDesign, you are a Production Editor with demonstrable skills in Layout For Print Publications
-if you want to look even more impressive and pick up an easy job that mostly involves googling bits of code to copy and fuck around with, go play on CodeAcademy and get yourself qualified in not just HTML and CSS, but also JavaScript, Ruby, Python, and others. Again, this makes you a Software/Applications Developer.
The only reason you’re given the impression that these are jobs for really smart brogrammers with masters degrees in computer science is because scary jargon keeps people out. Look stuff up, and you’ll find out you already know a ton of this material. I promise you, you’re more qualified for tech/developer jobs than a lot of the people actually working at firms that focus on those kind of jobs.
^
Often in my job people ask me if I can do something, and if I respond with, ‘No, but I’m sure I could find out how,’ they look at me like my head just rotated 360 degrees. One thing about being on the internet in this age is that you have experienced how you can just google something and you’ll probably find a youtube tutorial.
Don’t know how to use the Puppetwarp in Photoshop? *20 minutes later and some cursing included* Okay, now I do.
Don’t know how to knit? *ten minutes later* totes pro.
A lot of people bag our generation but there’s so much to be said for the sheer amount of information we’re used to absorbing and parsing. Don’t underestimate that, either!
OK entry-level kids, listen. ‘I don’t know how to do this but just give me 20 minutes’ is probably the most important, career-advancing thing you can say at your workplace because not only does it show that you’re adaptable and proactive and any number of dumb buzzwords that happen to be popular in The Industry these days. BUT If you build up on it over time, it will also pretty much make you indispensable, which is so important in an unstable job market.
Consider this: unless you get a job with a super-successful startup where your boss is like 25, chances are you’re going to land in company where the higher-ups are in their 40s-50s, thus belonging to that particular generation that habitually puts down millenials for having No Experience of Real Life. Except in a workplace environment this means they expect that they have to train you on every single little thing, aka waste time and resources on you, aka see you as a soooort of useful nuisance who’s there to do the little menial jobs no one else wants to do. This is where the last to come first to go thing comes from really.
What your crusty 50+ y/o bosses don’t realize is that ‘being on the computer’ all day, you inherently develop a thing called rapid skill acquisition. Yeah, it sounds fancy (so fancy you can put it in your CV) but most of the time, as the previous comments point out, it just involves Google and YT tutorials. You’ll be surprised how many highbrow professionals don’t actually do this, b/c they reached the top and feel like they have a secure position and basically fall so behind on things that a 20 y/o intern can out-skill them, or quickly learn to out-skill them any day of the week. Most likely they’re not aware of this. And no, it’s not as out there as it sounds. Consider you’re talking to people who think you need training to use Wordpress. Imagine what telling them you can use a blogging platform to create an easy to update professional looking website for fucking free will do to them. Imagine telling them you can make gorgeous graphics from scratch, update the company logo or design some rad business cards. THERE IS SO MUCH YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THAT THEY DON’T KNOW CAN BE DONE.
A couple of years ago I interned for a research centre where I did this all the time. Three weeks in they called me to sign an employment contract that tripled my pay and I got to go everywhere with them and meet important people in my field, it was great. My 23 y/o brother, who doesn’t have a single solitary hour of formal training in PR/marketing or IT in his degree, interned as marketing assistant for a small IT company and was so quick to catch on that they hired him after the internship and by the end of the year he’d already helped increase their turnover. Eight months, unpaid internship included, and he made them more money! That kid is never going to get fired!
Also learn some programming/web design. Seriously. I see these self-taught 16 y/o kids making gorgeous Tumblr themes from scratch and I’m like. You are al fucking wizards. Not even out of highschool yet and you’re pretty much set up for a job that potentially pays in the 6 digits.
You are smart and you are creative and you are amazing! You need to be brave and confident and capitalize on that because you’ve got what it takes and more. Fuck the jargon, you’ve got the skills.
this is some great stuff to read
This patched my tired sadbrain abit. I learned how to crochet from YT.
I told my boss that I was looking up on youtube how to fix my computer and I was probably going to do it this next weekend but I was a tiny bit nervous because I haven’t taken apart a model like this before so some things are different.
She was like, you can do that? What?
Every time I use the Internet in any meaningful way to make my job easier (like creating color coded spreadsheets for ordering and inventory and menus etc), she just is so confused. She’s almost 60, by the way.
The first time I was like, I’m gonna just make a spreadsheet, she was like, just give it to A (who is 21), she’ll type it up for you. I was like, no? Why would I write it out on paper and then type it up?
I am highly underestimated. Often.
Often in my job people ask me if I can do something, and if I respond with, ‘No, but I’m sure I could find out how,’
^^I was an English major. I am now a Software Specialist in the IT Department simply because of the above ^^ words cannot describe how far this response and attitude will get you.
I laughed out loud at “may involve THE HASHTAGS” and am now feeling much better about my day. Also my freelancing.
I was also an English major and now I am a Verification Engineer™ who says things like “baretailed the service logs for the inbound router and they’re not throwing an error but the SQL table isn’t updating” like a boss. Because I can Google. And I used nearly exactly that “I’m sure I could find out how” answer in my job interview.
i hate writing historical fic because every five sentences you’re googling random shit like “when did billiards become popular in america” & i’ll have you know it was the 1820s
fun fact my pals the word ‘okay’ or ‘O.K.’ (the abbreviation for the old timey spelling of ‘all correct’) was popularized in 1840 by Van Buren’s US presidential election slogan and seeing it in historical fiction before then feels like a little glitch in the matrix, but seeing it in an Old Timey Fantasy setting sends me down the rabbit hole of how a fantasy world language would be brutal to translate, and language in general is a trip, and nothing means anything, probably
I just want to add a correction: O.K. was not an abbreviation for an “old-timey” spelling of “all correct”; it is in fact an abbreviation for an INTENTIONAL MISSPELLING of “all correct.” There was a short-lived period in the 1800s where it became amusing and trendy to flagrantly misspell conversational phrases and then abbreviate them, and “O.K.” is the only one to survive to the present day.
nat, clint & tony are all highly trained defensive drivers. riding with them is like being in a car chase, but they know what theyre doing so its actually pretty safe
dr banner drives like hes 90: super slow and cautious, but with occasional really terrifying bits of road rage. tony likes to make him drive convertables so that if he hulks out he wont have to do it through the roof of a car
steve…im not sure if anyone ever really taught steve how to drive or if he just figured it out on the fly. either way no one wants to ride with steve because he’s 1. a terrible driver and 2. probably going to get his vehicle exploded sooner or later
thor and vision dont drive.
wanda drives like a russian; which is to say, however the fuck she wants, and everyone else better make room for her. its a good thing she has magic powers or she’d probably have died in a car accident by now.
it turns out i can drive anything like an expert. literally anything. two months ago one of tonys competitors released a ‘top secret’ jetpack prototype and i already knew how to pilot it. no idea how or why
in exactly one week the entire english speaking world can stop seeing american election coverage 25 hours a day for the first time in two years like + reblog to weep tears of pure joy
You’re not even American. IMAGINE HOW BAD IT IS FOR US
no sorry im trying very hard to ignore your country
Not being American must SUCK during this election cycle, and I’m not being sarcastic here, I mean??? Like, you guys have to put up with all the stress and anxiety we dump onto the internet and the TV and literally every other media available, and like. It’s not even your country. Trump would rapidly become everyone’s problem, but if he gets elected it’s nothing y’all outside the borders can STOP (although who wants to go thousandsth-ies on an assassin with me?), and fuck. The anxiety level must be high. I am so sorry on everyone’s behalf.
i still can’t believe it’s already fucking november like october literally felt like it lasted 4 minutes where has this year gone why is the progression of time so mind boggling to me what the fuck
honestly the real horrifying thing about the US election is seeing Trump/Pence signs crop up around your neighborhood and its like you’ve been in a sleeper cell all these years
you are holding a thing. its in your hands. you look away for five seconds. you are no longer holding the thing and you cannot find it anywhere. you did not move from your spot. you do not know how this happened
you are scrolling down a website. you see something nice and you decide to read more about it. you scroll up to look into it. you see something nice. you decide you want to read more about it. you forgot the first thing you were going to search. you scroll down in hope to remember. you see something nice. you decide you want to read more about it.
there is a tear in one of your favourite outfits. you decide you can fix it. you grab the sewing supplies and put them down while you research how to do it. an hour passes. you wonder why there are sewing supplies by your bed.
where are your glasses?
there are three cups on your bedside table. you venture into the kitchen. you decide you want some water. you bring it back to your room. there are four cups on your bedside table.
youve had a towel around your shoulders for the past three hours. you are going to shower.
you’re watching a movie. you pick up your phone to have something to do while you watch the movie. you pause the movie. two days pass. you still havent finished the movie.
repeat to yourself so you wont forget, you think. repeat repeat repeat repeat. you no longer remember anything else but it. you look to the side. blue is a nice colour. what were you thinking about?
your leg wont stop shaking. it has a life of its own. you are not in control.
2016 started off with a tumblr witch stealing bones from graves and it set the tone for the whole year, so if 2017 starts off with anything worse, I’m just going to wrap myself up in pretty but comfortable clothes, lie down in a comfy place, and wait for death to take me
If you’re abled and you know someone who is disabled, please be aware that we need abled people to say, “we can’t do that if X says they can’t do it,” or, “Of course you can go home if you’re not well enough,” or, “Stop badgering them, if they say no they mean no.”
The pressure on us to perform to abled standards, socially, romantically and professionally is STAGGERING.
Don’t speak for us, but if we say we can’t do something, stand with us. Don’t let other abled people try to strongarm us into doing something we have stated that we cannot do.
I’ve seen a lot of videos going around of urban-dwelling critters coming to humans for help with various problems, ranging from boxes stuck on their heads to young trapped down a storm drain, and it’s gotten me to thinking:
On the one hand, it’s kind of fascinating that they know to do that.
On the other hand, setting any questions of how this sort of behaviour must have arisen aside for the nonce, does it ever strike you how weird it is that we’ve got a whole collection of prey species whose basic problem-solving script ends with the step “if all else fails, go bother one of the local apex predators and maybe they’ll fix the problem for no reason”?
well, come to think of it, we’re at the top of the food chain but we almost exclusively hunt and kill prey out in the country.
raccoons and possums and foxes and crows all succeed in an urban environment because they’re opportunistic and observant. and almost none of them would have observed us pounce on one of their species and then start eating it, you know? a lot of them would have observed that we scream and chase them out of wherever we don’t want them to be, but other animals are territorial too. but there’s a number of situations where humans feed whoever’s bold enough to take them up on the offer, and we do tend to pull garbage off of other animals as soon as they slow down enough for us to catch. ‘a human got me but nothing bad happened’ is a much more frequent thing than ‘a human got me and tried to eat me’.
anyway like, we’re masters of our environment, we make weird shit happen all the time, we have lots of great food and sometimes we share, and we almost never eat someone. it makes sense for urban animals, over the last century or so, to just keep an eye out for opportunities to use us, and to pass the habit on to their kids.
It really is a weird, funny thing. Like yeah, technically they’re predators, and they get pretty screamy, especially if you try to take any of their stuff… but given the chance it seems like they’d rather help us out and sometimes they’ll just randomly give you food, so???
I mean, I guess in fairytales and myths we’ve got our fair share of stories about dangerous people/creatures who might well kill you or otherwise ruin your life, but to whom people nonetheless turn for help in desperate circumstances. So it’s not like the perspective is exactly a foreign thing to our own mindset, really… It’s just that, y’know, we can’t actually go make a deal with the faeries when there’s something we can’t figure out.
(Which brings me to an interesting thought about the ubiquitous rule about never eating the faery food lest you find yourself forever unsatisfied with anything in the human world - and the potential parallels to the dangers of feeding wildlife human food lest they become addicted and too tame and dependent to be safe for either themselves or us. Hmm.)
I mean, isn’t “we didn’t kill them when they ate our garbage” basically how we ended up domesticating dogs?
Are we accidentally sorta domesticating crows and squirrels?
(Some rats have already been domesticated–pet rats and wild city rats are the same species, sure, but city rats do not like direct human contact and pet rats would quickly die if let loose)
THE IDEA THAT WE’RE FAIRIES TO RACCOONS IS MAKING ME GRIN.
so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count
holy f uck jane
its a serious question
well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.
new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing
no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.
you gotta digest it.
so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?
huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?
Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”
“you what now”
i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic
now that u said it im really surprised as well
what the fuck did i just read
Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?
I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.
I’m not convinced by this, actually!
Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”
But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:
“I’ll do you this favor, but if you don’t guess my name you’ll have to give me your first-born child.”
“You’re gonna be real good at everything but when you’re 16 you’re gonna prick your finger and die.”
“You loaned me $2 for the bus when I looked like a beggar, so now here’s a literal pile of gold and shit.”
Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.
The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.
(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to helpyou leave.)
Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.
And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”
Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years.
Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”
“you what now”
This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.
my fave overheard on campus moment of all time was the two guys who sat behind me in pop culture theory
as class was starting one of them was like “so… do you want a blowjob after this” in a rly bored voice, and then the second guy was like [pause][dejected sigh] “yes”
do u ever wonder abt urself from an external pov??? bc like. everyone is p complicated and contradictory on the inside, but other ppl get a very simplified version of who u r based on ur interactions w them or what they see u doin
like if i was a cartoon character, what archetype would i be? if i was a design, if i was a DESIGNED person, what parts of me would be the most cohesive/emphasized, and which less significant traits would not be perceived at all???? its just bonkers to think abt i guess
new ask meme tell me what archetypal features i have and what gets discarded
I was just watching star trek the motion picture for the first time ever (I liked it! it was slow but interesting! totally saw the ~~twist~~ coming from lightyears away but that was alright!), and you know how there’s this scene where they have the different enterprise evolutions drawings in the background:
And I noticed this one in particular:
This is the USS-Enterprise XCV-330, for those of you interested.
So I thought “huh, that looks familiar, actually”. And it is, because quite recently NASA unveiled concept art for their first ever warp-capable ship (once they figure out how to do warp safely), and it looks like this:
Eric Richard “Bitty” Bittle would absolutely destroy the competition if he ever competed on cutthroat kitchen because he would seem to be this sweet little baker to the other contestants and then it would switch to the personal commentary and he would have this terrifying smile on his face and he would just say “my boyfriend is an NHL star and I have my own restaurant I don’t need the money I am going to win this” and then he just comes out and kills every challenge and is still this sweet little baker boy and everyone is stunned
when bitty wins he just smiles and congratulates the other competitors and he still acts so sweet and innocent and says he’s gonna go donate everything to charity and everyone loves him
alton brown has never been this impressed and scared in his life
Bitty would be great because you would think he’s sweet and adorable and about to get steam rolled into the first round, and then surprise, he is the definition of cutthroat.
“I used to play hockey with my husband back in College, and I kind of miss that feeling of completely crushing your opponents.” (Later on you find out his husband is an NHL player…)
“Tiffany thinks she can get into my head, but bless her heart, she has no clue what she’s doing.”
Also, imagine one of the challenges is them cooking with their families, and everybody is expecting him to bring his NHL husband.
Bitty looks at the camera and starts laughing. “Oh Lord, no, absolutely no. I love Jack and he has gotten a lot better at following instructions, but I came here to win and I’m afraid Jack just doesn’t have what it takes to work in my kitchen. I brought the big guns.”
Bitty introduces Moo-Maw, who looks like a delicate little old lady and is about 80, and everybody is side eyeing him because of his choice, and then the competition start and Moo-Maw fucking throws down.
The two of them are like a hurricane in the kitchen and while they cook they have enough time to gossip/share stories.
“When are you and Jack giving me some great-grandbabies Eric?”
“Moo-Maw please not now.”
“I am not getting any younger you know! I am old and who knows how much time I have left in this world,” she says while smashing nuts with the wooden hammer and making the whole counter rattle. The camera man takes a step back.
Jack gets interviewed and somebody asks what he thinks of that “not having what it takes to cook in his husband’s kitchen comment.”
He just look at the reporter very seriously and replies. “I once helped with thanksgiving dinner and I have never feared for my safety like I did that day. My only job was doing the mash potatoes.”
I need someone to write more of this, like, yesterday.
Bitty is a strong baker in general, but quickly apparent to the other participants is that he is incredible at any of the challenges involving having to bake using random ingredients.
The other participants notice this pretty quickly, and ask him his secret. He just laughs and explains that when you’ve got a team of random hockey boys filling the fridge with all sorts of random odds and ends that suddenly need to be cooked to avoid wastage, you learn to adapt. They all think he’s exaggerating until he tells them the story about the avocado, bacon and cheese muffins with tabasco and the zucchini and apple cake.
The best part is when the story makes it to social media and then the rest of the Samwell alumni from the Haus both confirm that these dishes really happened and want to know how come Bitty hasn’t told anyone about the Peanut Butter Banana Bread with Maple Glaze that he made that one time because he thought Jack sounded homesick.
(Jack explains to them that they are all dead to him because now his nutritionist has added this too to Jack’s banned food list. :( )
And then there’s this one time that the oven isn’t working right, and Bitty figures this out pretty quickly, but also manages to salvage his dish and go on to win the round.
Alton Brown: “…that oven was malfunctioning.”
Bitty: “Oh heavens, compared to old Betsy, that was nothing!”
Other contestants: <are increasingly convinced that Bitty is a baking witch.>
Sorry go bug you, I just wanted to ask--what's Westworld? (your recs are always so fantastic and so much better than anything google could give me)
YOU ARE NEVER BUGGING ME, I LOVE TO TALK ABOUT STUFF I LOVE.
So. Westworld. First off: have you seen Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse? If no, proceed and read this pitch. If yes, second question: did you like it? If no, you won’t like Westworld. If yes, don’t even BOTHER with this pitch, just watch the show.
A quick disclaimer: Westworld is a brand spanking new show on HBO based on the 1973 movie of the same name and, HBO being HBO, they do what they fucking want, so this show…like, it’s a really good show, I really like it, but if you can imagine a trigger warning, it’s probably attached to this show. Sex, murder, rape, blood, gore, etc. This show is FUCKED UP. Ergo, the cut.
One of my favourite anecdotes about the first Golden Age of Piracy is that, at one point, Captain Henry Morgan left England in one ship, and arrived in the Caribbean commanding a completely different ship, and nobody knows why. What happened to the first ship and how he acquired the second one are entirely unrecorded.
At some point in his short career (1715 until 1718), the English pirate Ben Hornigold attacked a sloop near Honduras just to steal all the hats of the crew, because his own crew had gotten drunk the night before and they had tossed every single one of their own hats overboard.
Bartholomew Roberts, arguably the most successful pirate in history by ships captured (a whopping 470 in 3 years), didn’t actually want to be a pirate. His ship was captured and he was forced to join the pirate crew. After the original pirate captain was killed, he was democratically elected captain of the pirate crew less than 6 weeks after being captured by them.
Stede Bonnet, sometimes known as “The Gentleman Pirate” decided to become a pirate one day due to marital problems. He’d never sailed a day in his life, but he bought a ship (rather than stealing one) and then paid his crew wages instead of giving them a share of the plunder. He was such a useless and inexperienced captain that at one point, his crew abandoned him for Blackbeard’s and he just stayed on the ship as a guest.
have you ever seen the musical matilda (and i ask this for the way jenny honey is portrayed because it made my heart hurt in a good-bad way) (also because its been ages since i read the book and i cant remember)
I actually have not! In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t like musicals as a rule, they kind of aggravate me, save for a select few–Les Mis, aaaaaand…um, no, yeah. Les Mis. Oh, and Disney movies. I can sit through Moulin Rouge, I like some of the songs. I know exactly one song from Chicago but I’ve never felt motivated to watch it. I have seen RENT, but my interest in the plot is slim-to-none–again, I like a couple songs, but not the musical as a whole.
On the other hand, Matilda was my SHIT as a kid, so I’d honestly be prepared to see the musical just because MOTHERFUCKING MATILDA. And I love Miss Honey, she deserves the whole world.
