This whole “trust Tumblr blindly” thing is eventually going to kill someone, as I became pointedly aware of on one occasion I was making fun of how poorly a particular bleach-based drain declogger was working on my sink and got a chorus of really dangerously misinformed people telling me to pour vinegar in after it because all cute little cool kid diy home care blogs they’re following talk about vinegar like it it’s the big secret the cleaning companies don’t want you to know.
And I cringed knowing that someday, some Well Actually expert who read a blog article once is going to give that advice to someone who unfortunately didn’t take high school chemistry and isn’t aware that MIXING VINEGAR AND BLEACH MAKES CHLORINE GAS.
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”
“What, the molten rock?”
“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”
“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”
“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
‘But surely you have records of volcanic activity doing tremendous damage to human settlements.’
‘Yep. Pompeii is legendary. Entire cities went. Towns buried under lava, peoples’ brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more killed by falling pumice.’
‘ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn’t build there again.’
‘…well…’
‘Are you seriously telling me this volcano is legendary for killing several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN?’
‘In our defence it hasn’t actually done it since.’
‘What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you’re at least vaguely sensible about those.’
‘Oh yeah. After the first major earthquake that flattens a city, we build them better.’
And then the aliens learn what it means to “facepalm” despite not having palms per se….
I have no impulse control so I'm requesting more smut. Hamilton/Laurens, post-Monmouth smut, go forth and make me suffer.
*cackling* Yeah, okay. In actual history Laurens’ wound was much
more serious (not that he didn’t earn it), so we’re going to fudge things a
little in favor of…well. Also! In case you’re curious! Being dressed in just shirtsleeves and
breeches was considered UNBELIEVEABLY improper, which I find hilarious because
it covers pretty much the whole body. Also-also, I pictured historical appearances but tried to make it musical-appearance-friendly, with the difference that Ham is SMOL at 5′7″ in comparison to TOL Laurens at like 6′fucking2″.
When John crashes through the door, Alexander
is already surging up from where he’s been sitting in nothing but his dirtied,
in-places-torn shirtsleeves on the edge of the bed. There’s a heartbeat where the conversation
could go either way, but they are who they are, so the tension snaps into
white-hot rage on all parts.
“You absolute fuck,” John seethes as he kicks the door shut behind him with a
click of the bar-lock. “What were you
thinking?”
Alexander throws his hands into the air,
feeling aching muscles snap taut over bone, and snarls, feral. “I was following
my goddamn orders, John, don’t act like I was simply out on the field
looking for a glorious death!” His voice
is half a shout and he has a moment of gratitude that their room is at the far
end of the second story hall housing the majority of the aides-de-camp. The others are used to Alexander and John
getting into shouting matches—not often with each other, but they fight with
whomever else they please, save the General himself. Even if their comrades had all elected to go
to bed at once after departing the field, any hue and cry of argument from the
last room would be dismissed.
in the vein of the previous ask, if I'm not being annoying--top six animal forms you would choose to morph into?
YOU ARE NEVER ANNOYING ME WITH ASK MEMES. Okay, because I am the way I am, the morphs are split up by function rather than ranked, there are more functions but these are the six morphs I would really really want.
Wolf: Battle Morph
Wolves are tough, powerful, and they have hella stamina on the run or in a fight. If I wanted more agility, I’d go timber wolf, if I wanted power and bulk I’d get an arctic wolf/Yellowstone wolf because they’re about the size of a small pony. I’ve always loved wolves, they’re just absolutely stunning animals, and while I lived out in MT I saw a wolf pack face down a hungry grizzly bear, and that means I have capital-R Respect for them.
Grizzly Bear: Battle Morph
Um, we’ve covered that I’ve wanted to be Rachel since I was Smol, right? But that aside, for just pure crushing power, a grizzly is a good bet. Grizzly v. car ends with a totaled car, I know this from seeing the effects, and they can truck along at a good 30 mph given the inclination to do so. Their vision is for shit, but like. They can also swat a person’s head clear off their shoulders like a fucking soccer ball. Who the fuck needs good vision, I don’t even have that as a human and as a human I can’t bat someone’s head off their shoulders.
Red-tailed Hawk: Recon Morph
So, my logic here. First of all, the vision. A bird of prey is the perfect morph for recon because vision. No point getting up close and personal with your target when you can follow them leisurely at half a mile. Second of all, red-tails are the most common hawk in the Americas, and they thrive in just about every habitat warmer than ‘Arctic’ and wetter than ‘desert,’ which makes them much less remarkable than, say, a bald eagle (I love Rachel). Third of all, and this is the reason I went with a more noticeable raptor rather than, say, a rat with wings (I live on the coast and my view on seagulls is…not generous), a hawk is actually worth something in a fight. A female red-tailed hawk can push a five-foot wingspan with a razor-sharp beak and talons, and even the smaller males have the speed and natural weapons to make a menace of themselves in a fight–a seagull, on the other hand, might blend in with the crowd, but they also have fucking webbed feet. And finally, Christ, if I’m going to turn into a bird I’m going to turn into something that can soar for hours, not flit from roof to roof and eat Subway sandwiches momentarily set aside by their owners. In summary: bird of prey. Also Tobias was a fave so I’m predisposed toward red-tails.
Cat: Recon Morph
Okay, hear me out here: alley cats as spies. Cats can hear through walls, there’s literally no reason not to use one as a spy. Stick me on a roof, I’ll eavesdrop all fucking day (with breaks every two hours for demorphing). Also, while cats aren’t very big, they’re generally pretty good in a fight (as anyone who’s been scratched up by an otherwise-friendly housecat will attest) and they’re pound-for-pound one of the most efficient predators in the world. On top of that, stray cats are a common thing in any city–roll around in some dust to scruff yourself up and walk like the streets are yours. Beats the everloving hell out of a housefly morph.
Dolphin: Water Morph
Literally who doesn’t want to be able to turn into a dolphin. No one, that’s who. I fucking love dolphins. I think I made a comment about this in this write-up, but I’m pretty sure being able to morph, and being able to morph dolphins in particular, has great potential as a treatment for depression (assuming you’re not, you know, the last bastion of defiance against an alien invasion). I’d like to submit my name to that clinical trial, someone hit me up. Also, I’m not a confident swimmer but I love the water, so being a dolphin would be EXACTLY aligned with my interests.
Snake: Fun Morph
Am I picky? No. Would this morph literally ever be useful? No. Do I just really, really want to turn into a snake? Yes.
Okay, like, these things are gorgeous and all, and very impressive, all silvery-brown, but they lost a higher spot on the list because they FUCKING SCREAM and the first time I heard one it was like fuck-all midnight in Bumfuck Nowhere, MT, and I was convinced that my family and I were all going to be ax murdered and no one was ever going to know because we lived in a town of 90 people with no law enforcement to speak of where people went missing in the mountains monthly. However, there’s a certain level of badassery to that, so they still made the list.
5. Normal Lion
It’s…a fucking lion…it had to get on the list somewhere on account of being a fucking lion.
4. Cheetah
Did you know that the reason they get cheetahs dog-friends is because cheetahs are so high-strung that they basically can’t function as creatures? So they get therapy dogs to, like, lower their blood pressure. And honestly same. Also the science of how cheetahs run so fucking fast is AMAZING and makes me happy, they’re like spotted Slinkies with legs.
3. Snow Leopard
MAXIMUM FLOOF. There’s a picture somewhere of a snow leopard with its tail in its mouth and I can’t find it BUT I LOVE THAT PICTURE. Snow leopards are the perfect combination of lethality and floof. Also they do parkour, basically, and you have not truly admired a creature until you’ve seen a snow leopard run across a wall.
2. Black Panther
Actually black panthers are melanistic jaguars! But I like them a lot and kind of always have, I have a toy black panther I’ve had since I was very wee, her name is Casseopia, I think. I was on an astronomy kick. They’re amazing and their black coats are so sleek and beautiful and I’m a fan.
And coming in at Number 1. Siberian Tiger
Everyone remembers how I read Far Too Much Animorphs at the age of seven, yes? I have a genuine adoration for the Siberian tiger because it’s Jake’s battle morph. And furthermore: look at this gorgeousness. How could I NOT.
They’re big, sleek, beautiful, and their numbers are (very very slowly) on the rise. I love them very much.
In conclusion: as we’ve seen, I know little to nothing about big cats, but I like them anyway.
Sean Bean hiking up to the Lord of the Rings sets bc he’s afraid of helicopters is even funnier when you hear that Viggo Mortensen did the exact same thing, except Viggo’s reason for hiking to the sets was bc he wanted to be authentically travel-worn
Like literally you have Boromir doing this pretty cool thing bc he’s scared to death of the alternative while Aragorn just does it for The Aesthetic™
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”
“What, the molten rock?”
“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”
“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”
“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
so my english professor told us this story last year about how he met his wife and it’s completely possible that he made it up just to entertain us but he says it happened and the story is this
he’s a a cruise with his parents to australia where he’s gonna spend a year or so for some reason. can’t remember why but it was job related. his mom is worried that if he spends too long away from her without her constant advice (my mom is also like this lol) he’s going to do something impulsive and ridiculous.
so, he decides to prank her by pretending to get married to a woman he just met. because he’s obviously so impulsive and ridiculous. so he’s talking to people and stuff and he asks this woman if she’s cool with pretending to marry him to prank his parents. and she says yes. then he goes and talks to the captain and crewmembers and he’s like “i have this ridiculously funny prank where i’m going to pretend to marry this lovely woman to freak out my mom.” and they, of course, reply hell yeah. so like since the first mate has the power to marry people, i guess, he agrees to the fake wedding.
so at lunch he’s like “mom, dad, this is alyssa. i met her last night and we’re in love and also getting married.” and his mom freaks out and that could be that. but no.
if they’re gonna do this they’re gonna go big or go home.
so, he changes his facebook status to “married to alyssa” and invites all his friends to his wedding in the middle of the ocean. (and they believe him and congratulate him and he’s concerned that his friends think he would really marry a random woman he met like six hours ago)
now his mom is getting really nervous b/c alyssa (the fake bride) got her friends she was on the cruise to be her bridesmaids. they got the first mate to “marry” then at dinner in front of people. the mom is horrified.
anyway the next day he goes “just kidding!” and it’s hilarious. but then he has to contact all his friends who were calling him on the phone and stuff to congratulate him to tell them it was an elaborate joke and they all think he’s an asshole and he and alyssa part ways but keep in touch b/c they… actually get along pretty well.
anyway like a year later they meet up again in boston (i think? big city that wasnt new york) and talk and end up dating for like a year and then end up engaged for real. and now he invites his friends to his real wedding and all their RSVPs essentially say “i’ll show up, but if this is another fake one i’ll fucking murder you” and the mom just flat out didnt believe him for a month because she’s not falling for that again.
and now they’ve been married happily for like three years and they’re expecting their second child who has probably been born by now
and the overall point of this post is: imagine your otp
Well this is a prompt for fic if I’ve ever seen one.
godspeed to everyone in retail out there working thanksgiving / black friday. stay hydrated and don’t let the shitty customers get to you too much, it’ll go faster than you think.
one of my favorite tropes is when a character who is sort of morally mediocre and Only In It For Themself is dragged kicking and screaming into caring about other people and doing good things
when people point out a scene/particular line(s) that tugged at their heartstrings
when people ask for your meta of your work that they enjoyed so much
when someone comments on a fic you wrote 982783113502 years ago
getting recc’d
just the small happiness in knowing you made someone out there smile on their way to work/home or at school, in knowing you warmed someone’s heart somehow
This is the level of salty I hope to reach someday
Patrick Burke is a county legislator (heyo I didn’t even know New York had county legislators, I have learned a thing today) for District 7 of Erie County, so if you live in his district you should call and let him know how completely awesome he is for proposing this. And if you live in Erie County, you should call your legislator (you can figure out which one represents you from this map) and tell them you support the PENCE Bill.
so today a public health official guy came into my class to give a lecture on disaster awareness and he was talking about house fires and mentioned that the reason people most likely die during a house fire is because they refuse to leave their pet inside or they go back to get their pet. and right when he said this my friend immediately turned his head and looked at me and in that moment I had the most complete and genuine acceptance take over my body. I would 100% in front of my family and Jesus himself walk straight back into some raging inferno that was once my house to go get my fat cat. I nodded back
the best part of this post is reading all the tags from animal people who would also go back to save their pets. like no hesitation. walk backwards from heaven straight back into hell. someone even said they would go back for their fish. amazing
I have never hit the reblog button so fast in my life. Holy shit.
As a mother of three let me just say; Kids ain’t for everyone.
No kids for me thank you.
Kids should be an opt-in thing, not opt-out. Especially for childbirth-capable folks because of the higher proportion of resources they usually have to devote to pregnancy and parenthood.
It is Monday. go take your turkey out of the freezer and put it in the refrigerator. It needs to sit there overnight to start to thaw before you can put it on the counter tomorrow night. I know at least six people last year on my Tumblr feed who were still trying to thaw out there turkey as of mid day on Thursday.
If, like us, you have not bought a turkey yet that is fine. Just make sure when you do buy it it’s refrigerated and not frozen. Or you will be fucked.
IMPORTANT
It’s Tuesday, now, so you might want to put the wrapped bird in a tub of cold water to help a faster thaw…
