cant believe a bunch of english kids go through a fuckin cupboard and find a magical kingdom full of wonder and they go “yeah we’re the royal family now”
typical english behaviour
I think what’s more creepily imperialistic is the reaction of everyone in Narnia to the Pevensies.
Like, the Pevensies end up the royal family in large part because everyone’s like ‘it has been prophesied that you will come and rule us and everything will be great!’ and, well, in-universe I can’t really fault them on that; if I were a young teen or pre-teen in a completely foreign country, I too would probably just go along with whatever seem to make people friendly to me.
But the reaction of the Narnians, in almost ubiquitously welcoming these foreigners as obviously destined to rule them even though they know nothing of the country and the culture… now that is some creepily imperialist writing.
This is the only good reblog of this post in it’s entire 3 year hellscape existence
if four foreign kids popped out of a magic box and deposed trump by the express wishes of god’s fursona, i’d crown ‘em. this winter already fuckin feels like it’s lasted 100 years.
why is broccoli seen as this universally hated vegetable. broccoli is delicious
bc suburban families all over the world literally just steam/microwave their vegetables and serve them plain to their kids. No wonder kids hate vegetables. They’re taught that veggies are supposed to taste bad. but imagine: veggies with spices. Veggies in curry. veggies that are broiled, soaked, sautéed. aghhhh veggies are so good
Veggies of color (VOC)
People post good veggie recipes!!! Go!
i’m a vegan/vegetarian chef and yeah people generally don’t… season or… actually think about their vegetables at all? like if you treat your meal like “MEAT + unfortunate side dish i don’t want to eat + dessert” no fucking wonder you’re going to be unhappy with your results?? literally everyone should know how to cook vegetables WELL, because they can be fucking DELICIOUS?
it’s not surprising to me that most people don’t actually… KNOW how to cook vegetables, which is really, really sad. so imma help y’all out.
- grill your fucking vegetables? if you have a grill, or even a little dinky george foreman–grill those bitches. brush them with olive oil–or a mix of olive oil and balsalmic vinegar if you’re fancy, grill, salt, pepper, fresh herbs if you want, BAM. delicious. if you don’t, roasting is your next best option. you can also (if you have a gas stove and are ambitious) “grill” on the stove top. many a time i’ve stuck a sweet pepper on the stove and lit that bitch up!
- braise those bitches??? good for leafy greens and vegetables like turnips and radishes. finely chop some garlic, onion, or scallion (or all three if you’re bold) and sautee them in a little oil. once they’re almost cooked, add your veg. keep it moving, don’t let anything burn, and add a capful of white wine, or cooking wine. DELICIOUS.
- FRESH. HERBS. ARE. YOUR. FRIENDS? if you cannot get fresh (admittedly, i live on a farm, so i’m never short on things like dill, parsley, thyme, scallion, or cilantro) but they’re amazing on fresh veggies. sauteed in them in a pan? add some herbs. roasted them in the oven? add some herbs (and brown sugar if you want a savory sweet vibe)
- roast them in the oven if you don’t have time (or spoons) to stand up next to a hot ass stove for 5-20 minutes! vegetables that are good for roasting are typically ones that take a long time to cook, eggplants, potatoes, carrots, pumpkin, etc. of course, you can roast any veggie you like!
- MARINATE THOSE BITCHES??? literally you can make delicious marinades out of items most of you already have in your homes: honey/brown sugar, salt, soy sauce, sesame oil, etc.
- FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK STOP ADDING EVERYTHING TO THE PAN AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. time out your veggies when sauteeing them for anything. if you’re doing a bunch of different ones, add the veggies to the pan first that take the longest. Making stir fry? put those motherfucking carrots in first, because they take FOREVER. onions, carrots, potatoes? put those in first. corn, broccoli, sweet pepper, zucchini? closer to the end, my dude, because they cook FAST.
- ginger and scallion go excellently in stir fry btw. if when you make your stir fry it tastes like it’s “missing something”, that’s what you’re missing. add that shit.
- you do NOT FUCKING NEED CHICKEN/BEEF STOCK FOR YOUR GODDAMN SOUP IF IT DOESN’T HAVE MEAT IN IT! sautee your veggies first, and you can use either powdered or canned coconut milk as the body. it makes for deliciously creamy soup. don’t worry about the coconut taste–it’s pretty much gone by the time your soup/stew is done cooking. coconut milk (especially powdered, and soy milk works for this too, no vanilla flavoring obviously) makes an excellent base for sauces for veggies, even if you eat meat!
lastly, give it the ol’ ratatouille. smell your herbs and spices together. if they seem like they go well, odds are, they’ll taste bangin’ once you combine them. experiment. everything you make will not be good, but you’ll get more comfortable cooking. i’ve been a chef for like two years and i burned some bread today, so it’s okay. you’ll make mistakes. that’s how you learn. don’t be afraid to cut or burn yourself–the more afraid you are, the more likely it is to happen.
you’re welcome, signed your local angry vegetarian chef who wants people to eat more vegetables
Dude if you sauté broccoli rob with tuna in good olive oil add some salt with a little bit of garlic. Yum. That shit is lit. Extra points if you add some potato up in that shit.
those all sound amazing, but what do you do if all you can afford is frozen or canned veggies? We get fresh onion and peppers and cucumbers, occasionally other things, but most everything else i cook starts frozen. Will these ideas still work or do they need to be altered?
the only thing you can’t do is roast frozen or canned vegetables. because they’re in water most of the time, they get very soft and waterlogged–roasting would turn them into mush. frozen vegetables too. stir fry/plain sauteeing your vegetables are the best options for those. they’re fine in soup too, you just have to be mindful of your cooking time, bc most of those vegetables are already cooked
so like in a soup, you’d cut your cooking time by half, bc… you’re not really cooking your canned/frozen veg. also, always defrost and drain them off before adding it to the pan, you don’t want a bunch of excess water!
also, frozen and canned veggies are very bland and hard to flavor, bc they’re 1. already cooked, and 2. blanched in water so it’s important to add lots of seasoning spices to make sure they’re flavorful! so yeah if you’re getting lots of fresh onion/garlic/scallion, and even if you only have dried herbs, you’ll still be able to make something rlly good
oh and i know you didn’t ask this but i wanna add that when i was low spoon/didn’t have a lot of time for prep that that pre-minced garlic that you can buy is also a good option! one clove is about…. 1-2 teaspoons
Thank you for getting back so quickly! And adding the last bit. I have issues with a lot of prep time between actual available time and adhd issues.
ive been thinking lately about the tng/ds9/voy triad and like, im sure im giving someone in writing the benefit of the doubt, but how perfectly those series reflect and mirror each other philosophically, like 3 sides of the same coin, and its pretty damn good. tng 2 me is exactly summed up by siskos quote of its easy to be a saint in paradise. ds9 itself is about war in all its impersonal brutality and the nasty side of politics and especially of the federation itself, and surviving that. voyager is about being so far removed from it all and still trying to keep up a moral highground - without any outer context to supply it anymore, and no overarching institutional law (read consequence) at all. and that theyre set the same time too. and then you go into it a bit more and you see each independant show bring this up in itself a few times (even if they continue regardless the next episode which is pheh). its just really fucking cool 2 me
like picard is about following the rules even if its wrong. he’ll debate it to the cows come home the writers will go Ah Ah Ah Is This Right? but he will always side with the federation - law - because law is primarily good. ds9 lampshades all of tng by having sisko be forced to do horrible terrible things for the good of federation at large, and how he takes things into his own hands to protect others because he doesnt actually trust the federation at all and for good reason - law is primarily bad. taking the federation away entirely - voyager makes an effort of trying to be about janeway trying to apply irrelevant morals to her crew for stabilitys sake, which in the end the writers dont really do very well as she always sides with federation morals but theres a few where she dont because the law is inapplicable, utterly
and its just like, i dont know, its cool
So…
Picard is Lawful Good, Janeway is Neutral Good, and Sisko is Chaotic Good.
We all know that Hoth was a simmering mess of hormones and stress and I would pay good money for a soap opera about them. Here are some things which Definitely Happened:
There’s a betting pool going on who takes Luke’s virginity. The favourites are Han and Leia, but Wedge Antilles has pretty good odds, and there’s a small contingent of aliens who are convinced it will be Chewie (after all, who could resist that Wookie musk? Headcanon: most alien races consider humans soft and gross. Most alien races find Wookies absurdly attractive. Han Solo isn’t the ladykiller; Chewie is.)
Leia and Han scream at each other in every corner of the base. Everyone is desperate for them to fuck. They do not. The sexual tension is so thick that it could be cut into blocks and sold as wall insulation. More than once they are ‘accidentally’ locked in a supply cupboard in the vain hope that claustrophobia will act as the catalyst that enables their frustration to spark into true love – or at least nasty raunchy cupboard sex. It does not. All that happens is that the offender has legally changed their name to escape the Wrath of Organa.
Someone paints a shirtless Han Solo on their X Wing. Leia is furious. Han is delighted: both at the highly flattering portrait (he has an eight-pack, he is shredded) and at Leia’s fury (you’re jealous princess/no I am not/you’re jealous, hey I can pose like that for you if you –). Hoth’s winter had nothing on the chilly silence that followed that suggestion.
Luke and Leia both have very graphic dreams about Han Solo. Han Solo has very graphic dreams about the twins – individually, together, he’s thirty fucking years old, why is his brain doing this to him.(Later on they will, individually, realise that due to Luke and Leia’s Force-bond they probably created a circle of Han Solo Sex Dreams: Leia had them, so Luke sensed her lust for Han which intensified his own lust for Han, which led to Luke having Han Solo sex dreams, which led to Leia lusting – and so on, and so on. For the sake of their sanity, they never share this revelation which each other.)
Luke is SO COLD. All the time. WHY DOES NO ONE APPRECIATE HOW COLD HE IS. He comes from a desert world. Of course he’s cold! What is all this white stuff? It was pretty for the first fve seconds but holy fucking Force it is so cold it burns and what the hell is going on with that? He bundles himself up in so many layers that he waddles rather than walks. Fearsome Last of the Jedi indeed.
Luke tapes a knife to a cleaning droid (disc-shaped things that swish around the base, sucking up dirt) and names it Stabby. Why, says Leia. Luke, the boy from Tatooine, shining and happy despite everything says why not. Why not indeed. Stabby is very fond of chasing Han. Han wants desperately to shoot the fucking thing– but then he sees big-eyed Luke and sharp-toothed Leia cooing over it and, well. A little bit of light stabbing is nothing, compared to those two smiling.
STABBY THE SPACE ROOMBA!
I am torn between wanting Stabby to be grabbed and evacuated along with the Rebels and make it to the next base, and wanting Stabby to get Vader.
Compromise: shortly after losing the Millennium Falcon, Vader, storming through the Rebel base, is startled to feel a sudden jolt of pain from the artificial sensors on his left leg prosthetic: a sharp sensation on his ankle. Surprised, because he sensed no threat–is the limb malfunctioning?–he looks down, and there is a cleaning droid with a knife taped to it, a little painted-on Rebel lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY written on it.
He stares down at it, completely and utterly taken aback for the first time in over a decade. Fearlessly, it chitters back at him, sounding very triumphant.
He picks it up.
Off in the fractal weirdness of hyperspace, Rebels on several ships are surprised to find an update on Stabby’s kill-update feed, and then thoroughly shocked at the accompanying image: the upward-pointing camera has captured an image of Darth Vader staring down at the droid.
It’s the fastest news ever to travel through the Rebel grapevine, the mix of triumph and loss that is, they are certain, Stabby’s heroic last stand.
Until a day later, when the thing updates again, this time showing an extremely confused Imperial officer. And another, and another, and another, day after day.
They cancel the funeral.
Vader hasn’t done much just for the fun of it in two decades. Watching Imperial officers swear and clutch their ankles as a cleaning drone with a knife taped to it, an Imperial emblem, lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY painted on it, bumps into them and then chatters triumphantly, he’s figured he’s earned.
STABBY FIC! STABBY STARWARS FIC! YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY!
But do they send in a rescue unit to reclaim their most honorable POW?
no, the rebels are all too happy to have vader backing one of their most valuable psychological weapons. stabby’s antics are invaluable for their ability to escalate tension within imperial ranks, and vader’s personal amusement means stabby will get to keep running his miniature interference mission for a long time to come
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS
STABBY LIVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Grand Moff Tarkin limps into Vader’s quarters. Again. “Lord Vader, enough of this.”
“I have altered the droid; pray I do not alter it any further.”
(If there’s one thing young Anakin Skywalker can appreciate, it’s a hot-rodded maintenance droid, c’mon.)
VADER PUTS A LIGHTSABRE ON STABBY
HE CALLS IT HIS APPRENTICE
MY SON WILL NOT TURN TO THE DARKSIDE BUT MY SON’S STABBY SON WILL
Stabby is eventually recovered and given a medal after the defeat of the Emperor, but his poor little chassis is too badly damaged by then to even hold onto the knife anymore. His internal mechanism is removed and upgraded, and then the Master Droid Tech charged with fixing him casts around for a new casing to put him in.
“Hey!” calls a teenaged Poe Dameron, walking into the Droid repair shop. “I got this decommissioned BB-8 chassis they said to bring in here. It needs a new owner. Captain said I can have it if I can find a new mechanism for it.”
The Master Droid Tech looks at Stabby, then at the BB-8 chassis, then back at Stabby. Stabby turns his unsheathed ocular sensor to Poe and beeps adoringly. (This is a common if relatively new reaction to Poe Dameron, who has just graduated from his Awkward Stage.)
“Yeah, I got one for you right here,” the Tech says, grinning.
More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:
Human reactions to fear!
No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.
Like singing.
Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.
Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.
In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.
“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”
OKAY CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCKYOU SHIP A PACKAGE OF COOKIES TO A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NEW JERSEY, ONLY TO HAVE IT NOT GET THERE ON TIME BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN GUAM?
I JUST
GUAM?
IM CRYING REAL TEARS MAH DUDES THE COOKIES ARE IN GUAM
KATIE TRIED TO SEND US COOKIES OUTTA THE GOODNESS OF HER HEART AND JUST
“OHHHH THESE COOKIES WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO NEW JERSEY, PHIL? I THOUGHT YOU SAID
12/27, 8:37PM CT
ITS STILL IN FUCKING GUAM
12/28, 12:18PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE IN HONOLULU GUYS THEY ***FINALLY LEFT GUAM***
12/28, 10:22PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE FINALLY ON THEIR WAY TO NEW JERSEY
also as a bonus visual here’s a rough approximation of these cookies’ journey
how the FUCK did this blow up and get so many notes
SO FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, @homebeccer@phantomrose96@cupcakecreeper AND I WANTED TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD ACTUALLY COST THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO INTENTIONALLY SEND THESE COOKIES FROM TEXAS TO GUAM TO NEW JERSEY AND???????????????
AND
IT’S
IT’S
IT’S NOT AN OPTION IT’S NOT AN OPTION I CAN’T I-
I COULDN’T EVEN HAVE SENT THESE COOKIES TO GUAM EVEN IF I’D HAVE TRIED
Cant believe we uncovered the Guam Cookie glitch folks
Its not even an in-game feature
Oh my god it’s back
H O W
I’ve had this sort of thing happen.
At least it explained why the package took so long to get here.
I appreciate that they have an Entire Stamp for “Missent to Nepal”
No one said “hey let’s stop missending things to Nepal” they just said “let’s make a stamp for this” and called it a day.
I’m gonna get Missent to Guam tattooed on my arm in commemoration.
1. hates donald trump
2. got his ear pierced at claires because why not
3. legit asks people to beat him up in action scenes EVEN NOW AS AN OLD MAN
4. is arguably one of the most iconic star wars characters yet couldnt give less of a crap abt star wars
5. the universe tried to kill him (or at least permanently incapacitate him) twice in 2015 and it only mildly inconvenienced him
6. flies helicopters in search and rescue missions
7. was in his 40s for the majority of the indiana jones series which is insane when you think about all the stunts involved
8. quote “the director yells cut and harrison cracks open a beer and then builds a fucking shed”
9. arguably sexy
10. points angrily and its super effective
11. is just a really sweet person 12. no really my dad worked with him on firewall as the tech advisor and he was just a really swell guy 13. got my mom’s birth date from my dad and sent her flowers 14. he sent my mom flowers for her birthday 15. he didn’t even know her he just wanted to be sweet
this was a beautiful and necessary edition to this post thank you oh my god
When he was asked to be in Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” video, in which he pulled up alongside them in a car and gave Jimmy a little wink and an air-kiss, when he showed up at the set he looked kind of put out. Kimmel was afraid he wasn’t down with what they were asking. But he just said, “I don’t know, this wardrobe…don’t you have anything mesh that I could wear?”
When he was filming “Witness” he rented a small farm from a friend of mine. At the end of the filming my friend went and checked out the property as usual. He noticed the barn door had been leveled so it no longer would swing open on it’s own. Went into the house and saw the closets had been redone, in the kitchen the cabinets had been replaced and all the drawers now opened really well. Turns out that there were thousands of dollars of work and materials put into fixing up everything at the place.
My friend called Ford and asked him how much he was asking for the work. Ford told him doing that kind of thing helped him relax and stay sane when he was filming. Would not take a dime. Plus he paid for a new water heater and got the sewage system cleaned out.
And he paid rent to live there the entire time.
Local Carpenter Stumbles Into Stardom, Worries This May Interfere With His Carpentry
My step sister was driving through Wyoming once, near Ford’s ranch. She stops for gas, and as she’s filling up, this huge motorcycle roars in behind her, scared the pants off her. The rider, dressed in all black steps off, and she yells at him “who do you think you are blasting in here like that, you Darth Vader looking motherfucker?”. He takes off the helmet, and it’s Harrison Ford, and without missing a beat he says
“Hey! I’m not Darth Vader, I’m Luke Skywalker”
From the co-production designer on The Force Awakens, Darren Gilford:
“The Millennium Falcon was the first thing we were actually building. I had been in London and I came home back to L.A. for Christmas. So I go to Sports Chalet to do some last-minute shopping; I get there early, run to the back of the store, get what I need. I’m coming back through the store, and I just happen to pass this person holding up a pair of ski pants, and it’s Harrison Ford. I look at him, he looks at me and puts his head right down. I can tell he doesn’t want to be bothered; I’m sure from the look on my face he knew I knew who he was.
So I walk past him, and after about 10 feet I think, ‘If there’s ever a time to say hello to Harrison Ford, I’m building the Millennium Falcon!’ So I turn around very hesitantly and go, ‘Harrison, I’m sorry to bother you. I’m co-production designer on the new Star Wars, I’m just back from London, and I’ve been building the Falcon.’ A big smile came across his face, he put his hand out, and we had such a great conversation — he couldn’t have been sweeter.
As I’m walking away, he goes, ‘Darren!’ and calls me back. He goes, ‘The toggle switches.’ I go, ‘Toggle switches.’ He goes, ‘The toggle switches on the Falcon. When they built it the first time, they bought cheap toggle switches without any springs in them. Every time I threw a toggle switch, it fell back; it wouldn’t hold. It drove me crazy. Please, make sure the toggle switches are fixed this time.’ I go, ‘No problem! I’ll take care of it!’
So months go by, I’m back in London, we’re getting close [to principal photography], and I get a phone call saying J.J.’s headed down to check out the cockpit, and Harrison’s with him. I run down there and I see J.J. in the passenger seat and Harrison in the pilot seat. They’re just giddy; they’re having so much fun. And then I see Harrison look up, and he just starts throwing all the toggle switches: boom, boom, boom, boom. [Laughs.] And I remember thinking, ‘Phew, minor victory. Take solace in that and move on. Next task.’ That’s my favorite story.”
HARRISON FORD SMILES WHEN MEETING CREW MEMBERS AND IS A NERD FOR FUNCTIONING PRODUCTION DESIGN
Don’t forget about his Halloween costumes
Harrison ford is a chaotic-good-aligned cryptid, confirmed
i understand the historical reasons why English is the most common language
but if I was writing a speculative fiction novel
and I said “the language that most people learn as a second language, usually for professional reasons, is also the only one with a spelling system so terrible that spelling words correctly is a broadcasted competition”
you’d be like “extremely unrealistic 0/10”
i never thought of this, do other languages not have spelling bees?
spock: self care is meditation, organizing your thoughts, and applying logic to your situation in times when your mind is not at peace
kirk: self care is drinking fifteen red bulls and launching yourself into space so you can go get in a fistfight on the astral plane with an alien who says hes god
everyone talks about how Grantaire’s name is literally the french way to say ‘R’, but why does no one ever mention the significance of Enjolras’ name???
i mean, the verb ‘enjôler’ literally fucking means to seduce with fine words why does no one talk about that
Because - the statement seems so ordinary, when you first hear it. It’s just another badass phrase from the trailers generalizing how the world is bad, and Diana is too good and too young to go out and be trying to protect it.
Then I remember how Hippolyta suffered.
She too was once a hero. She too fought to protect mankind. She was also young, daring and adventurous once.
But she lost.
She lost her sisters, mothers and friends in war. She watched her clan be killed, slaughtered mercilessly and endlessly at the hands of Ares and his soldiers - and this battle must’ve been so traumatizing for her to the point that when she managed to lead the remaining Amazons to victory, she demanded that the gods give her a safe haven, where she and her sisters could live in peace and safety. She swore to protect her Amazon family, and her island allowed for them to live in isolation, while kept safe from the dangers of man.
Zeus granted her a child - and you can imagine Hippolyta’s love and tenderness towards this child, the first child the Amazons had seen in centuries. Hippolyta poured so much heart and tears into raising Diana. Training her to be the best warrior, protecting her, spending time with her as mother and daughter. Watching Diana grow. Braiding her hair. Feeding her by hand, and laughing as she told her daughter stories. Helping Diana hop onto and adjust her saddle when she was old enough to ride a horse. The two of them leaving the rest of the group whilst on hunts, and laughing as they raced each other on horseback through the luscious forests and coasts of Themyscira. Hippolyta watching nervously as Diana shoots her first arrow, and being unable to hide her pride when Diana helps her opponents up to their feet again after knocking them down.
This daughter, this woman is nothing like any other Amazon. Diana is a born warrior and a natural leader at heart, but there is a warmth to her voice and a tender love when she meets with others.
Hippolyta worries for Diana’s innocence.
So when Steve crashes on the island and brings word of war raging through the world, and Ares is the prime suspect, and Hippolyta catches Diana in the act of stealing God-Killer and the Wonder Woman armor, she is heartbroken.
Here is her daughter, the pride of her life, one of the greatest people Hippolyta has ever known - being selfless and brave, just as Hippolyta once was herself. Diana is determined to go out and save the world, she is young, she is innocent - and she will see and face many horrors, horrors that even Hippolyta herself cannot understand.
As any mother would, a huge part of Hippolyta wants Diana to stay home and be safe. Man’s world has betrayed the Amazons before, and Diana is too young and naive to understand. Her only daughter - what if she doesn’t return?
But another part of her understands. Diana has what it takes to be the ambassador between Themyscira and the rest of the world. Diana can’t stay here on this island her entire life - the true test is out there, where danger lies.
Hippolyta willingly gives up her greatest love for the sake of the betterment of mankind. She gives up her only daughter and the future queen to the Amazons to a lost cause, and her beloved child will see pain and torture like no other before.
The phrase “they do not deserve you” carries more weight to Queen Hippolyta than it possibly could to anyone else, and honestly, its so overwhelmingly heartfelt and sad - and this movie is going to be so kickass I could never put it into words.
hey so it’s march now aka the beginning of endometriosis awareness month and i feel obligated to remind you that debilitatingly painful periods are not normal. if you or someone you know is ending up sick or bedridden every month, you are not crazy and deserve medical attention from someone who will take you seriously
hey it’s march again let’s get this post circulating again
So I noticed this line in Prisoner of Azkaban and now I can’t stop thinking about how great it would be if Remus Lupin and Minerva McGonagall became good friends while Remus was teaching at Hogwarts, so here are some headcanons about that:
When they meet for the first time in 15 years, it breaks Minerva’s heart to think about the eager awkward boy she once knew and to look at the broken man with the tired eyes he has become. She notices how much Remus has aged since she last saw him.
For Remus, being back at Hogwarts hurts like hell. As he gives McGonagall an unconvincing smile, he can’t stop thinking of his school days and of how much has changed.
“Hello, Professor. It’s been a long time,“ Remus says slowly.
McGonagall pulls Remus into a hug. He is stiff but doesn’t pull away.
Remus at first being reluctant to talk to any of the other teachers much because he doesn’t feel he belongs there and he’s kind of lost the will to connect with people.
McGonagall making sure that Remus is involved in every staff room conversation
McGonagall adjusting to the strangeness of seeing Remus on his own, not with three other grinning boys
McGonagall joking with Remus about pranks he pulled at school and Remus explaining how they were done
McGonagall correcting Remus each time he called her ‘Professor’ rather than Minerva
Remus and Minerva staying up late in the staff room drinking tea and talking about complex magical theory
Remus asking Minerva “Tell me about James and Lily’s boy, tell me all about Harry”
Minerva telling Remus about Harry’s skill at Quidditch, about how he fought a troll in his first year, how he has two inseparable friends, how last year he secretly brewed Polyjuice Potion and defeated a Basilisk…
Remus confiding in Minerva about how strange he feels when he looks Harry “He’s the spit of James… but Lily’s eyes… I held him as a baby… I heard him speak his first words… and now he doesn’t know me at all… I never would have thought I’d be a stranger to James’ son”
Minerva understands because sometimes she sees James when she looks at Harry
Minerva and Remus chatting about their students’ progress, especially Harry’s
Minerva changing the subject or distracting Remus whenever Sirius Black is mentioned in the staff room because she sees the pain those conversations cause Remus.
Minerva defending Remus whenever she hears other teachers muttering about how it isn’t safe to have a werewolf teaching students
Minerva making sure that she keeps track of the lunar calendar and that gives Remus space when the full moon is approaching
One night when he is curled up in pain in his office on the night of the full moon, Remus is surprised and comforted when a cat with spectacle markings around its eyes finds its way in. The cat sits with him every full moon after that.
When Remus resigns, Minerva comes into his office and asks “Are you sure about this? If you want to stay, I will do everything I can…” but Remus just shakes his head. “Well- look after yourself,” Minerva says like it’s an order.
My speculation is that the Polecats are a Gas Town specialty. You just don’t see them in the Citadel or the Bullet Farm.
The idea and method came out of climbing up and down the refinery towers and riding on oil derricks, among other oil-and-gas work that goes on in Gas Town.
The swinging poles technique wound up being a great way to drop someone in on top of a target. Everything in this world is ground-based and on wheels or treads. Getting up above things is a challenge but an advantage.
It’s also an amazingly effective psychological attack: motherfuckers up on poles gonna swing down on top of you and you can’t do anything about it scream.
They are fucking nightmares.
It’s just such a crazy idea; I love it as a world-building thing
The Polecats work in teams of two (or three): one to climb on top of the pole, the other(s) to swing it.
In regards to the teamwork and communication required, it’s not so unlike the Driver-Lancer teamwork among the Warboys.
They also work as sentries or lookouts by sitting on top of stationary poles and are sometimes loaned (with interest expected to be paid) to the other two settlements for that very purpose as well as for attacks.
They assemble their own masks and battle gear and weapons.
The Polecats are regarded with something like respect in Gas Town. They’ve got a wild kind of skill.
They swing on the poles for fun and to show off for each other.
They are also balls-to-the-wall out of their heads. Hence the respect, I guess. Balls-to-the-fucking-wall out of their heads. Do not mess with them.
Swinging on a pole, armed with weaponized yard equipment, fully prepared to bring death from above–yeah, that’ll do it to you.
Balls-to-the-wall out of their heads.
BALLS-TO-THE-WALL OUT OF THEIR HEADS.
Fucking nightmares, all of them.
Nightmares.
Mutilated babydoll faces with nails hammered in them on the backs of their heads what the fuck???
NIGHTMARES.
So amazing.
But much more Generic Villain than the Warboys and their machinery death cult, despite the fact that their costuming is more overtly individualized than the Warboys gear. All their masks and gear are different; all the Warboys wear uniforms. Totally fascinating; well played, moviemakers.
Bonus: I hear some of the stunt performers played both Warboys and Polecats, and full-face masks would help hide that.
The first time I saw a still photo of the Polecats up on their poles, my exact thought process was, “Whoa. That shit’s fucked up. … … … I gotta see this in action.”
And they really did this shit.
That’s a real dude up on that swinging pole.
A real dude
On a swinging pole.
Nightmare apocalypse Cirque du Soleil in the desert–why not???
My favorite thing about Dungeons & Dragons is how fucking quickly people become ride-or-die bitches with each other
no lie i had a campaign where I tried playing a really chaotic neutral “leave me alone” rouge and ended up attached at the hip to our monk who couldn’t roll higher than a natural 10 to literally save his life bc in our first encounter he called my character “a nice lass” and that was all it took
Once made a tinker type halfling and realized that it was actually a really terrible idea since 1) nobody else in the party was mechanical and 2) there weren’t really any weapons that depended on my character’s skills to use. So he was basically a tiny little short dude who was really good at fixing watches, making and throwing alchemist fires and creating warmachines (if he had the time). We also used a homebrew point system where if you crippled your character you could get more points to spend on other things - so poor little Halfling tinkerer had two leg braces, moved at half the speed of everyone else, had an addiction to smoking/chewing tobacco/alcohol and didn’t have the eyesight to use long range weapons/rifles.
He was useless in the current team comp of Elf Sorcerer/Wizard, Human Fighter and Dwarf Cleric of sorts.
Until someone joined and rolled a Warforged. They were inseparable, to the point where I put points in ride and got the DM to give us a little custom harness/saddle so my character could hitch a ride. The Warforged wanted to discover why it was created and what it meant to exist; the Halfling wanted to create something close to the deathstar.
Imagine this - you’re a shitty villain waiting for the heroes to arrive. You know three of them are generic elf/human/dwarf combo with magic, and the fourth is a shitty little halfling, when suddenly a Warforged comes charging through the goddamn wall (John Cena style) with a Halfling riding him like Mother Fucking Mad Max Master Blaster. The Warforged is a monk throwing Str 20+ punches with the fury of his machine god behind his fists while his tiny crippled buddy, who repairs him in exchange for a ride/protection, is suspended in a child’s carrying harness throwing alchemist fire with one hand and shooting off a revolver with the other.
Death comes for you, and it’s in a baby carrier on 7′ of fist.
Translating is hard work. Even with pretty simple translations there can be unexpected difficulties if one of the languages has some funny special rules that apply to everyday life like honorifics and proper address, or words with multiple meanings so instead of asking what time it is you’ll end up asking for a potato. A professional translator can deal with this, of course. But for someone who just knows two pretty different languages, translating even something simple suddenly takes time and ends up getting pretty confusing for everyone involved.
And that leads us to ALIENS!
I think we’ve all read one scifi story or another where an alien is explaining some kind of concept that their species has - it might be related to their Special Sense or something else, but they always conveniently manage to put it in words that the character (and the reader) understand. This makes sense from a storytelling viewpoint, because we’re telling the story to human readers/listeners/viewers who need to understand what’s going on and why.
But it might be fun if the character is teamed up with an alien who gets so confused and/or worked up about some trivial translation that it gets turned into this big whole mysterious deal.
Human: “So, what’s this word mean, ‘thnguwe’?”
Alien: “Thnguwe has… special meaning for our people. It refers to a person’s ability to… form a meaningful connection with another of our kind, and our… entire society is built according to the… concept of thnguwe.”
Human: “How profound! Your civilization has much to teach us!”
Alien #2: “It means ‘talking’. Thnguwe means talking.”
Alien #1: “Oh, talking! I forgot what that word was in human language!”
As a linguist and a translator, I can attest: this is how it works in real life. But, also, when you know more than one language, and you are tired or distracted sometimes they just blurr together and you mix them up. Moreso if you are doing something, say reading in A, but then someone speaks to you in B.
Recon Mission went well. Kind of. They are all tired because Scientists human Marja just had to see if that big apex carnivore could be approached to be petted, for ‘Science!’. Or so Marja had explained to their Mission Commander larlik Kri’l, whom was not amused by an explanation so sensible for such an illogical behaviour. But nobody died so Head Scientist, human Cristina, declared it a win for the Science Team.
They were all dragging themselves to the Sustainance Unit in their ship when Scientist Second in Command, globrl Bwir inquired about what earthling cute companion the big apex carnivore - that almost got everyone killed, added Kri’l using only one mouth so only those in close proximity could hear xem - resembled.
“Oh, yeah it looked just like, ugh, what’stheword uhm, это канареечный” answered Marja whilst grabbing the concoction that all humans called coffe. The human had certainly started in Standard Interspace Communication Language, but the last words were uttered in Standard Earthlings Communication Language.
All turned head(s) to the other human in the Unit, who shrugged “That’s not my mother tongue”.
“Head Scientist Cristina, you are human, aren’t you? From Space Aust- I meant, from Earth, right?”
“Yes, but, it’s not like I know every language spoken on Earth!”
Silence resonated in the Unit.
Scientist Bwir dared to ask “W-what do you mean languages, as in more than one?”
“What, like in your planets they all speak the same language” was the crossed response xem had.
“Yes. Yes we do, because that’s the sensible thing to do. That’s what all sensible life forms who reach interspace travel do. One language, one planet” said slowly Bwird, while all the present crewmembers, who were able to, facepalmed.
Of course the deathplaneters had to complicate even the simplest thing.
Can we stop using Earthlings and start using DeathPlaneteers.
All the gods of myth and legend are real, but having your prayers answered depends on discovering which god can hear you. You figured out which god is listening to your prayers, but they’re not what you expected.
Suzy
was dissapointed. Most people her age had discovered their deity so
far, and she was starting to think she was godless. She turned the
next page of McBayers’ Little Book of Deities,
and tried reading their names aloud to see if she’d get a reaction.
It had taken her weeks just to get through Chinese spirits and
deities, and had finally reached the first page of Egyptian
Gods and you.
“Ammit?
Amun? Anhur?” Nothing. Her heart slowly sank again.Three
more tries, and she’d stop for now.
“Anubis?”
The
ground shook. The lights in Suzy’s room flickered and went out. A
single flame hovered in the middle of the room, and as it grew to a
blaze it changed form. Within the blink of an eye, there was a tall
figure standing in Suzy’s room. The body of a man, and the head of a
jackal. His eyes shone bright as he peered at her.
WHAT
IS IT, SUZY OF THE HOUSE MILLER?
“You’re
the deity that answers my prayers?”
INDEED.
I, ANUBIS, WHO RULES OVER THE LAND OF THE DEAD, IS HERE TO ANSWER
YOUR REQUESTS.
Suzy
thought for a moment. “O great and mighty Anubis who rules over the
afterlife, can I please have a puppy?”
Anubis
seemed taken aback.
IN
THE CENTURIES THAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYED TO, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I
HAVE BEEN REQUESTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS. CHILD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
“I’m
eight and a half. My mommy says that if I can take care of a puppy, I
can keep it.”
ARE
YOU CERTAIN YOU DO NOT WISH FOR ME TO BRING PLAGUES UPON YOUR ENEMIES
OR WEIGH A SOUL FOR YOU?
Suzy
shook her head. “I want a puppy.”
CHILD,
IN TRUTH THIS WISH I CANNOT GRANT. MY JOB HAS BEEN TO BRING PEACE AND
LEAD SOULS INTO THE AFTERLIFE, NOTHING MORE. IF I WERE TO CREATE A
HOUND FOR YOU, IT WOULD BE FORMED OF BONE AND SOUL ALONE.
Suzy
thought for a second. She would have liked to have a nice fluffy
puppy, but then she remembered how Aunt Marge’s Sphinx cat was still
nice, even without fur.
“No
fur is fine, as long as they don’t bite and make a mess.”
Anubis
nodded, and raised a hand. Underneath his palm an intricate symbol
appeared on the floor. It glowed bright, and the floorboards burst
apart. Up sprang a massive skeletal dog, bigger than suzy herself.
Its eye sockets held blue flame, and its jaw hang partly open in a
perpetual grin. It slowly walked over to Suzy and nuzzled her.
“What
does it eat?”
IT
WILL NOT NEED SUSTENANCE, AND WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO SERVE ITS
NEW MASTER. I HOPE THIS WILL SUFFICE.”
“I
love it. Thank you, Anubis.”
Anubis
looked slightly taken aback, but nodded peacefully.
FAREWELL
FOR NOW, SUZY OF THE MILLERS. IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE
BUT TO ASK ME.
Suzy
nodded, and ran over to her parents’ room to show them her new dog.
She was pretty sure they couldn’t object to this pet.
Someone please draw me Damen of Akeilos as a big easygoing mastiff who’s all muscle and cheerful friendly affection until you piss him off (mastiffs were bred to hunt BEARS), with Laurent as the sleek silver cat who rides around on his back looking imperious and disdainful and likes to remind people that housecats are pound for pound one of the most lethal predators around.
I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true
I absolutely adore discovering what different people find hilarious with Cards Against Humanity because you’ll have someone who won’t even flinch when a card like “bees?” or “Boris the Soviet Love Hammer” is played but in the next second they’re crying from laughing at "this is your pilot speaking fasten your seat belts and prepare for clams“
do yourselves a huge favor today and go through the notes/tags on this post because some of the card combinations people are bringing up are out of this goddamn world
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien species stare at us openly when we talk about what conditions are like on Earth.
“… you need to leave that planet. Now. You’re not safe there.”
“Your planet is the most hostile planet in the entire sector.” “What?” “Your planet’s extreme atmospheric disturbances, rapid temperature fluctuations, and hostile wildlife… It’s a miracle you survived.” “Oh, so like Australia?” “What is… Australia?” “A place on Earth.” “You have a terrestrial equivalent to your planet on your planet itself? Surely something so terrible cannot exist!” “It’s an alright place, mate; I live there.” “[faints]”
Stories circulate throughout the Intergalactic Confederation of a Floreevian settler who was separated from their team while out gathering specimens. Without their communication module or maps they soon became hopelessly lost. They wandered for days on end, searching for any signs of the Floreevian camp, the risk of death by exposure an ever growing concern.
Then one day, there occurred a horrifying event: solidified precipitation. They knew for certain they had entered the Uninhabitable Zone of Kel III. They tried to run back the way they came, but the precipitation fall extended far beyond their current position and the extreme pain of unprotected dermal contact with solidified water particles was debilitating.
They had given up all hope of survival when they were suddenly covered by a protective textile, they were completely wrapped in it before being picked up and carried to an unfamiliar shelter.
Once inside, they learned that a human had found them. There was a human settlement in the area and, and several others even further in the uninhabitable zone.
They asked the human why he would choose to live in such an extreme place, and he said that it reminded him of home. The human let the Floreevian warm up inside his shelter as he went back into the elements to retrieve his young.
Reportedly, they had gone outside when the solidified precipitation began to fall to attempt to catch particulates on their tongues.
After spending several days recovering in the human shelter, the Floreevian was able to use the human’s communication module to contact the Floreevian camp. Once the camp’s location had been established, the human transported them back to their camp in his own personal transportation unit, despite the increased danger of the terrain.
Thanks to the human, the Floreevian survived an otherwise deadly situation.
And the number of similar such stories of rescue through human intervention only increases as exploration extends to more potentially hostile planets.
I think a lot of the HFY stuff gets a little into the chest thumping “humanity are warriors grrrr!” camp. But even on Earth humans are a little weird in where we spent our attribute points. One of the big ways being running upright, which turns out to be really efficient if you’ve got the majority of your musculature geared toward keeping you from toppling over. Like humans may not be all that fast but if in shape we can run some crazy distances if we pace ourselves. Just imagine an alien hearing about marathons:
“To use your turn of phrase bull-shit Chris! You’re telling me you have foot races that run for, what is that, the width of a small city? I know you’ve got endurance but that’s a little arrogant even for you.”
“Nonono! I’ve never really done a marathon, that takes dedication. I just did 5ks.”
“The k being…”
“Kilo…meters.”
“Remind me never to get chased by you.”
Back to the “your planet isn’t safe” i can see one scientist whose passion is planets going “Uhm. One of the other planets in our system include one that rains literal acid. Earth isn’t that bad guys.”
Solas: Yesterday after she finished her discussion with Leliana she… Instead of using the stairs she hurled herself from the top of the tower down onto my desk. Then picked herself up and addressed me as if nothing odd had occurred.
Blackwall: She does it from the battlements as well. Just last week I was strolling by the stables when a dwarf in hundred pound armor came streaking down from the sky like a bloody meteor. Left a dent in the sod. She stood there shuddering for a second and then stood up, grinned, and asked me how I felt about Cullen’s leadership.
Varric: The other day I caught her staring down a cliff in the Storm Coast. I pointed out that there was a path nearby, but she just said, “Nah, I’ve got enough guard for this.” And flung herself off.
Cassandra: I… I was not aware.
Inquisitor: *Lands in a thunderous heap a few feet away* Hey guys, I saw you from the east tower and wondered what the party was all about! What’s everybody talking about?
It is very important to me that Naomi helped the Hork-Bajir write a constitution, on about five different levels.
1) Naomi learning to respect the Hork-Bajir enough to realize they need a lawyer.
2) Naomi bringing her lawyer skills to the Hork-Bajir valley even as she lives in a shack in the woods to hide from a galactic war.
3) The Animorphs keep telling us that the Hork-Bajir are as simple as human toddlers, but there is no way a group of toddlers could write a constitution, with or without a lawyer to help them. They wouldn’t see the need for a constitution in the first place. Hork-Bajir, like humans, are political animals. (Let it be noted that Toby was not one of the Hork-Bajir working on the constitution.)
4) They were debating who gets to harvest bark where. However much it bothered Naomi (though she secretly loved it) the Hork-Bajir were planning out the distribution of food resources among them.
5) The Hork-Bajir don’t get nearly enough credit, not from the Animorphs, the Andalites, or the fandom.
