Congratulations, you have an argument against a Black Widow movie. Now let me tell you why that argument doesn’t really work.
Okay, but she wasn’t really well known to the general public before the movies, so it’s probably best to keep her in a supporting role. It’s just too risky otherwise.
*points to Guardians of the Galaxy*
*also points to Antman, which absolutely no one was clamoring for*
Okay, but she’s too well known now. She’s been in several movies and is very important in the team movies. That’s enough, isn’t it? Give other characters a chance.
*points to three Iron Man movies, soon-to-be three Captain America movies, soon-to-be three Thor movies, and two unsuccessful Hulk movies*
*also points to the fact that in one of those movies an important, character developing scene for her got cut because it “slowed things down” and that will always be considered an acceptable loss until there’s a movie about her and her development specifically*
Okay, but now you’re getting a Captain Marvel movie and a Wonder Woman movie.
*points to twenty million superhero movies starring dudes*
*also points out that lady characters are not interchangeable and that a Black Widow movie would not be the same kind of movie as a Captain Marvel one*
Okay, but she doesn’t have any powers, and that’s not very interesting for a superhero movie.
*points to Batman and his gazillion movies*
*also points to James Bond, Bourne movies, and other popular spy thriller franchises*
Okay, but they follow a strict timeline, so it wouldn’t make sense to do another origin movie for an established character.
*points to her current successful comic run that has nothing to do with her origins but still somehow manages to find interesting stories to tell about her, like, how do they even do it*
Now seems like a good time to add this one…
Okay, but Marvel has a GRAND MASTER PLAN, and they can’t just change it, because plans NEVER change, okay, and it will throw everything off or result in a rush job of a movie.
*points to Spider-Man and laughs hysterically because of fucking course*
I can’t help but feel Max’s Interceptor is almost like a replacement for his lost family, in a symbolic sense. He sees the Interceptor as “home”. It’s how he says it in the comic too. So let me present to you some very sad thoughts I’ve had about this:
Max talking to the Interceptor as if it is Jess. Looking over to the seat next to him and imagining her laughing with him when they were young.
Max thinking about all the times he and Jess cruised together.
Max remembering how it felt to be a good man, driving that car, knowing people looked to him to be a hero. Him being okay with that, taking pride in that.
Max out on the road, late night of working, and he stops in the middle of nowhere just to look up at the stars to remember the world still has beautiful things to see. He looks over to the seat next to him and Jess’s image is there, smiling at him, agreeing that yes, there’s still beautiful things to see.
Max rolling up to the Citadel in a nearly battered-beyond-function Interceptor. It’s caked in mud, has had numerous thundersticks thrown at it, mirrors all gone. When a familiar face greets him, he feels so ashamed of his attachment to the car that he can’t bear to look at her, save a quick flash of red eyes.
Furiosa helping get the Interceptor into the garage, scooting under the it to inspect the extent of the damage. She says from under the mass of wrecked metal that it’s not so bad, not bad all. Max doesn’t believe her, he knows how bad the condition is.
Furiosa asks if she can look inside, and on Max’s nod she opens the door. She touches everything reverently and gently. She knows. She looks at Max and says “She’s a beauty. You’ve taken great care of her.” Max wants to look at her but he can’t, he stays with his back turned.
Days go by, nights go by. Furiosa doesn’t leave the garage. Max takes short walks to think, alone. He’s not sure about what he’s looking for anymore. When he goes back to the garage, he tells Furiosa, who’s been working for days, to get some rest. She simply replies that she’s never been a sleeper.
Max wakes up to see an empty space in the garage. Just outside he hears running water. He’s not alarmed at all, he knows Je—the car, is in good hands. She’d feel safe if she were here. He shuts his eyes again and drifts back off into daydreams.
When he finally wakes up, Max sees something that almost makes him think time has reversed. The Interceptor, almost glimmering in the sun, has returned to him. He is so amazed all he can do is stare, and walk around the car in a circle with his hands tangled in his tousled hair.
Furiosa says he should take her out, see how she feels. Max is almost giddy. He opens the door, sees the newly cleaned interior, or as clean as it can possibly be in this world. He goes to start the car, but he pauses, looks out from the window and nods over to Furiosa.
As much as she wants to go with him, she knows it’s not her place. “Go on, go, but come back and at least tell me how she does.” She wipes her dusty brow and begins to walk away, but Max calls back to her, “Hey” Again he nods to the other door, more insistently this time.
She gives in, but only because he asked twice. She wanted him to be sure it was ok.
As Max drives the Interceptor out onto the plains, he marvels at how smoothly she runs. She feels almost brand new. She’s still beat up, dusty, she’s been through everything with him, but she feels new. How? He swerves sharply to test the vehicle further, and he actually hears himself let out a laugh. For the first time in so long, he’s forgotten what it felt like.
Suddenly he hears another laugh, and he looks to the seat next to him. There’s a familiar face, but not the one he usually sees. Another laugh he’s never heard, another smile he feels he’s waited for for a long time. He feels more at home than he has in ages. But something feels wrong, too. He’s not supposed to feel like he’s home. That’s not the face he’s supposed to see. He turns to drive back to the garage when he slowly comes to a stop.
Furiosa asks him if the car’s feeling right to him. He doesn’t look at her, but instead steps out of the car. He nods to the seat, and then looks at Furiosa. She stares, gaping at him with a questioning face. She’s not sure she understands but she’s trying to. Her face is asking him if he’s sure. He walks around to the driver’s side and opens the door, motioning her to scoot over to the wheel. She does, but hesitantly.
Furiosa has been working with this car for weeks, she’s touched nearly everything on it with a steady hand. Suddenly, as she goes to grip the wheel, her hands, one flesh, and one metal, are unsteady, trembling. Max looks at her and then to the road ahead. She returns the gaze, and understands.
As she drives the car, she glances at Max before making any move, any decision. She feels the weight of every movement of the wheels, leaning just so on the ripping turns, shifting the gears on a dime. She smiles and lets a small laugh escape as a bit of dust flies up onto the windscreen. Max laughs too. He remembers this feeling like it was yesterday. Furiosa yells over the roar of the engine, “She’s perfect!” Max agrees.
It’s twilight as Max drives the Interceptor back to the Citadel. They’re far enough out that the stars are showing brighter than they do normally. Furiosa had rested her head in her hand on the door, and had fallen asleep. All the times he asked her to rest and she wouldn’t do it, but here she is, sleeping not unlike she used to. On those long, lazy drives together, just having fun. Just living, with no fears, no feeling alone.
Max suddenly finds he’s come to a slow stop. They’re on a small hill and can see the Citadel just in the distance. The sun is gone, but the sky is an array of colors not unlike the sunsets he loved from his home. He bows his head to rub his eyes, for some reason burning with wetness, when he glances over to the seat next to him. She’s still there. Normally, when the tears come, she disappears.
Max hears a whisper, not from the seat next to him, but from his open window, in the distance where the sun has set. “She is perfect, don’t you think? Good as new.” Max knew this voice. He knew it wasn’t real, but she sounded so real. “New engine, and lot cleaner than you ever kept her…” Max scanned the distance for her face but saw only the stars. He frantically looks to the seat next to him, desperate to ask something he needs to know but she’s not there. Only the sleeping face of this person that can’t answer what he needs to know, because she has the same question as he does.
Max gazes once more through moist eyes, out to the horizon in front of them. He sees a hazy figure just beyond the hood of the car. “She’s crazy ‘bout you, you know.” She turns just enough so that he can make out her delicate profile against the starlight. “It’s ok, Max.” He sees the shape of her mouth smile, and he collapses, head down, grasping the wheel of the Interceptor. He can’t quite say it, when he feels a hand rest on his shoulder.
“Hey”, she says, watching him in the now violet dusk. She can’t see his tears, but she hears the catching in his voice and the sniffs of his nose. He could do like most and claim it’s just the dust, an excuse she’s used countless times to disguise her own cries.
“Sorry”, Max says as he turns the car on and presses forward, to the Citadel. She tries to lighten the mood by telling him the Interceptor is probably the best car she’s worked on. She slides her weathered hand gently over the dashboard and tells him, “She won’t ever let you down.”
He simply nods, blinking away the last of the tears.
When they arrive, Furiosa takes a long, lasting look at the Interceptor. This car means to him something she can’t ask about, something she can never offer him. This piece of home. All she could do was try and make her strong again, for him, strong enough to keep him safe for however long he needed her. This place of rock and steel was not his home. It wasn’t even her home, but was the best she had. She looks up from the vehicle to ask if he needs anything more, saying they have plenty of food and water, and of course guzzoline. Anything he wants, he’s more than welcome.
Max looks at her through the dark, only barely sidelit from the fires of the encampments surrounding the entrance to the tower. When he doesn’t answer, Furiosa knows she’s offered what she can. It’s time for another goodbye.
“You…need a couple more hands in the garage…maybe?,” he mutters. “It’s ok…if you don’t.”
She stops dead in her tracks, facing away from him for a few moments, hiding her tearful smile. When she’s certain he can’t see much in the growing dark, she turns, and nods towards the gravely road. “Garage is this way.”
why do you hurt me this way…
OH MY FUCKING GOD ARE YOU POSTING THIS AS FIC, DO YOU NEED AN INVITE?
*writes dystopian novel where a bisexual and asexual girl fall in love and save the world together along with their trans bestie and everyone is queer except for that one implied straight character*
This story sounds awful and unrealistic. Have fun appealing to a fraction of the potential market 👍
This story sounds amazing and I would read the hell out of it. It is called “fiction”, and I’m sure with the rising amount of queer identifying people who regularly consume media such as this, it would be a smash hit. Please sit down.
Writer: I’m gonna write a dystopian fantasy novel about young people who save the world
Cishets: Mhm yes very good very realistic
Writer: With queer characters
Cishets: woah hold up now, lets not get unrealistic
A bunch of queers doing stuff together would actually be the most realistic representation, actually. Because, you know, we tend to travel in packs. The One Gay Friend™
is pretty much a myth.
I also love how straight people complain that media with queer characters isn’t catered to them with lots of characters they identify with, like queer people don’t have that problem with 99% of all media
I…actually have basically this story planned and started. Main character’s a pansexual, her adopted younger sister’s a lesbian, their medic is trans (and totally my favorite, she’s competent as fuck), there’s a gay couple who mutually run a gang, the medic’s asexual girlfriend helps manage the people in the gang, their resident expert fighter is a real kickass nonbinary kid named Zee, and there’s one straight dude in the entire thing, I love everything in this universe. I literally don’t care if no one but me ever reads it. Rant over.
No protesters outside (I was kinda hoping to spot one in the wild tbh)
Locked doors, had to get buzzed in
Rather uninviting color scheme in waiting room
Kind, happy staff
A medium amount of paperwork that crams in a lot of really important questions, respect
Questions that would catch an abusive relationship, awesome
Questions for guys in case guys need STD tests and stuff, cool
A section for minors who need their visit to be a secret, damn these guys have their shit together
Over an hour of wait time but meh I was a walk-in and I have the Kindle app, nbd
Kind, happy nurses
Really no judgement
Offered me condoms
Had discount plans but I didn’t ask for one
Prescribed me birth control unlike some other fuckers I know who call themselves healthcare providers but just got shown up by Planned Parenthood, so there!
Reminder for those who don’t know, if you have a vagina, make sure to urinate immediately after you have P-in-V sex. Bacteria can get in your urethra during P-in-V intercourse so as soon as you are done having sex, go to the bathroom to pee, even if it doesn’t feel like you need to, because even a little pee can flush out the bacteria and prevent a UTI. I didn’t know about this and I got a UTI from my first time, and it was super awful and uncomfortable and unfortunately even those with good sex education rarely learn info like this. I want everyone with a vagina to know how to prevent it because UTIs suck hard. That is all.
Sex ed in this country is utterly worthless, always reblog. Never known when it might be seen with new eyes. Also, penis units should share with their vagina units if they don’t do this.
This is super important, I’ve gotten a UTI a couple of times before and it’s quite literally one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to go through (I even went to the ER) so please please pee after sex!!! 😭
*pulls up to the fanfic drive-thru window* uh yeah, i’ll take a fake relationship with a side of mutual pining and thinking the other isn’t interested, thanks
“would you like to super size that to a 50k incomplete?”
death: let’s see, who’s next–oh NOOO…. *groans but goes to mcgonagall* Death: professor, I’m afraid……I’m here to tell you….. Mcgonagall: *glares over spectacles at death* Death: that–oh never mind! Happy 189th birthday Minerva. Goodbye
Television Networks:
They cant be gay bc ratings will drop and quite frankly you need to stop pushing your agenda on us.
Netflix:
YOURE GAY! AND YOURE GAY! HAVE MULTIPLE GENDER IDENTITIES! WOLFGANG'S DICK!! TWICE!?!?!? POC GAY CHARACTERS!! WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE GAY CANNIBALS WHO KNOWS? I SURE DON'T BUT ITS GONNA BE GAY!
lmao on the edinburgh zoo site it says “there is a daily penguin parade at 14:15 but it may be cancelled last minute as it is a voulntary parade, we do not coax the penguins with food, and they may not want to go out” lmao anarchopenguinism
okay can we talk for a minute about Leverage and how Nate and Maggie are estranged at the beginning of the show
but there is just so little hostility and instead a lot of confusion and regret
but they wind up in a much better, closer place at the end
even get a little closure over the death of their son
BUT
them getting back together isn’t a plot thing at all
jealousy between her and Sophie is not an issue
Nate is never forced to choose between them
there is no regretful “i will miss you but i see how happy you are with her/him” scene at the end
the whole team rallies to save her butt when she’s framed for stealing that Faberge egg without question
instead of being bitter and trying to get in the way of the team, she helps the team out not just on the job that will allow her to get revenge on the guy whose policies led to their son’s death, but on a totally unrelated, earlier job
the script was so good and the character stuff so good we don’t feel like Maggie got shafted and Nate “got the girl”
i mean, unless i am forgetting about scenes or something, there’s all these really frustrating things they COULD have done, and they just didn’t
and the whole show was like that
it openly acknowledged the attractiveness of ALL their leads (Nate was a bit of a mess, but that’s Nate) and Eliot and Hardison (in that order) were the most casually sexualized (Sophie pretty much sexualized herseif, and it was almost always done as part of a con, on her own terms); Parker was not really sexualized at all, despite being cute as hell and even taking her top off in front of the boys – we believed she was sexy, we didn’t have our nose rubbed in it
the suffering of women was never depicted in a sexual way, in any way that made it look attractive
female incompetence was never a theme
“natural” female superiority was not a theme (those
”haha silly men can’t do anything right” sorts of depictions often come from a place of male insecurity, not female empowerment)
the boys on the team showed complete respect for Sophie, even though she was the “sexy one”
as the boys on the team came to understand how broken Parker really sorta was and how “odd” even aside from that, they rallied to supporther, not fix or take advantage of her, and they accepted her oddness even though it often aggravated them and sometimes led them to gloss over what she was saying as Parker weirdness (the jury episode where she tries to tell them that something is fishy and they dismiss her – actually very realistic but not done too painfully) Parker was never shown in a light that made her look inadequate because of her “shortcomings” which were really just the facts of her existence
the whole premise of the show revolved around righting the wrongs created by capitalism, even if not every episode explicitly went there
and the characters oh god my heart
every one of them was a treasure, someone i could fall in love with
Eliot was an Okie from a blue-collar background, and was a rough guy, but was never shown to be sexist in any way despite how attached sexism is to the trope of the tough southern dude who loves horses and beer and country music; he was violent, but his arc was not to unrealistically eschew that violence … rather, he channeled it into protecting, not destroying; he had very real feelings, not just caricatured reactions to things
Parker was not involved in a romantic tug-of-war between other teammates, she was never a narrative device to create romantic tension within the team; she arguably was the glue that stuck Eliot (protective big brother) and Hardison (darling loving cinnamon roll) together in that OT3 relationship that pretty much everyone who watched the show realized existed
Sophie was incredibly sexy and manipulative and this was never thrown in her face via slut-shaming or making her out to be an awful person or turning her into any of the unflattering stereotypes that sort of character often gets turned into; also, there was no running gag where she slept with every member of the team (no that it would have been bad if she had, just that sort of thing tends to get handled really badly)
Hardison, our beloved incredibly multi-talented genius with a heart of gold, was Black, but they didn’t write him like a white character or have him speak like a white character; he was also the most stable and gentle and soft-spoken member of the team, IMO, which is not how you would expect a show to depict the sole Black teammate
Nate was an alcoholic whose addiction was treated realistically and with respect, was not over-dramatized, was not magically “cured”, was acknowledged by the team without there being a major intervention plotline, didn’t function as a real liability team-wise, and was never played as a device to keep him away from Sophie by having her deliver an ultimatum he couldn’t meet; it was a part of his personality, not all of his personality, and while addiction recovery narratives are important, not everything about an addict has to be about that, any more than all gay love stories have to end in tragedy
it was just a really, really good show, you guys, grounded in real feelings and issues without being too dark, hilarious without being mean, and feelsy without being saccharine
i love it so much and sometimes i just have to gush about it
BB if you’re going to talk about Leverage like this you can always talk for way, way more than just a minute.
Not enough people talk about the fact that Leonardo da Vinci was gay. Like, he’s literally the father of modern technology and one of the smartest human beings to ever live and I never ever learned in school that he was gay.
If all the LGBT people are as “DOOMED” as the bible thumpers think we are, hell, at least we’re in good company.
I was about to say I can’t believe I didn’t know this
and then I remembered the American education system
Yes, I can fucking believe I didn’t know this.
But yeah. Leonardo da Vinci was gay. Pass it on.
Leo painted a picture of his lover as Jesus and that’s the image we use today
Oh man that is sad. I’m sorry your teachers are failing you.
Some Leonardo facts you should tattoo on your heart:
He was actually convicted for sodomy at age 24, but the allegations were dropped for lack of testimony. The charges affected him immensely, as he was by all means, a very private person.
Da Vinci’s models for Christ are unknown. The claim that he depicted his lover as Jesus most likely arose from the bullshit about Cesare Borgia being the inspiration for White Jesus™ combined with the allegations that Leonardo and Cesare were lovers…There is little to no support for these claims. However, it’s speculated his lover Gian Giacomo Caprotti was the model for his St. John the Baptist.
He was universally beloved (minus Michelangelo lollll), like the nicest, funniest, gentlest, handsomest man you’d ever meet. He was generous beyond words, treated everyone equally, and loved to play pranks.
He was also fuckin’ ripped. It was rumored he could bend a horseshoe in half with his bare hands.
Often wore pink and other vibrant colors.
Rumored to sleep approx. 2 hours a night.
Was left-handed and ambidextrous. He was dyslexic, possibly had ADD, and suffered from frequent paranoia.
He was his own worst critic and often destroyed his work. He still left behind over 13k journal pages, filled with sketches and so many dick jokes.
His last words were: “I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.”
Would buy caged animals from the market just to set them free. He was allegedly a vegetarian.
For a time he kept a pet lizard and made him a custom set of wings and horns. He would routinely scare the shit out of people with his ‘dragon.’
My all time fave: While staying in the Vatican he would invite guests into a residential room which had been filled with cleaned/dried animal intestines that he had sewn together. He fastened a bellows to the end of the intestines and proceeded to inflate them. Onlookers were so excited to see DaVinci’s new ”invention” that they didn’t even realize this asshole was just blowing up a giant balloon and pinning them to the wall holy shit I love him so much.
Hello friends I am here to give you a quick and dirty lesson on all those diet fads/cleanses/juices/wraps/etc and why they work and why they’re equally complete bullshit.
“But how can something work but also be a scam?”
Well here’s an explanation. You may have seen ads like these:
Over priced all natural supplements, teas, and diet based cereals promise you’ll drop a shit load of weight in two weeks-a month. And you will! You absolutely will! It’s called water weight.
Water weight is something of a confusing subject, since it sounds like weight you gain by drinking too much water. In fact, water weight is what gets expelled when you become properly hydrated, reduce your sodium intake, or begin eating a more balanced diet. When you’re dehydrated, your cells hold on to every bit of water they can. This causes bloating and the infamous water weight.
So in two weeks, when you become ultra hydrated on that juice cleanse, or reduce your caloric intake by eating cereal, or take an herbal supplement that includes a diuretic, you will lose weight quickly. The heavier you are, the more pounds you’ll lose.
And then, after a week or two, it’ll stop. Once the water weight is gone, the only weight loss left to go is fat deposits. And you’re not going to healthily lose fat by drinking herbal teas or wrapping your abdomen every day. A healthy range for weight loss on a caloric deficit is 1-2 lbs a week, with the high end being on a very large deficit. Anyone wanting to lose fat should strive for a .5-1 pound of weight loss a week. It’s a slow process, and many drop out because they lose their patience. Especially after that 10 lb drop in the first two weeks sets up lofty expectations.
These things are scams because you do not need to pay a cent to lose water weight. You just need to properly hydrate and watch your sodium intake. If you drink a lot of soda, cut back. That’s it! These companies know what they’re doing, and the multi-level marketing ones are the worst at it. Because they’ll have sales reps who tried it themselves and ‘woah man it actually works!’ Yes! It will work! You will lose 5-10 lbs in two weeks! But you didn’t need to shell out $60 to do so.
Don’t fall for these things. The world is full of enough focus on fat shaming, body negative bullshit scams without a natural process being exploited for mad cash.
Sometimes i think about how there are more canon bisexual women on tv than canon bisexual men and i get really angry. bc female homosexual behavior is sexualized and therefore female bisexuality is shown because the male viewership can voyeuristically enjoy watching women kiss without the (sadly, oft unheeded) rejection of knowing that that woman would not be interested in them. whereas male bisexuality is extremely rarely shown because it is threatening to the male viewership’s fragile heteromasculinity and they don’t get any sexual gratification out of it.
So even queer representation revolves around het men and that makes me want to hurl.
I want the Deadpool movie to have absolutely no regard for
the fourth wall.
I want Wade to do something and be like, “damn, that’ll look
amazing on the big screen”.
I want him to laugh at people watching in 3D when he whips
his katanas out abruptly and they undoubtedly flinch.
I want him to be in the middle of an intense scene and then
ask someone to step an inch to the left and when they exasperatedly ask why I want him to look right down the
camera and say “so you don’t ruin my dramatic close up”.
I want him to reference his own comic books. Even just have them laying around wherever he’s
calling home.
I want him to make fun of Marvel.
I want movie Wade to have as little regard for the fourth
wall as comic book Wade.
I would also love for him, in some way, to mention Peter Parker since they were friends in the comics.
one of the most heartbreaking scenes in harry potter was when harry found lily’s letter in sirius’s room and he is almost in tears over the fact that they made their g’s the same way
There is no way that anyone could convince me that Natasha “shall we play a game” Romanoff and Bucky “let’s go to a science convention on my last night before deployment” wouldn’t be the nerdiest assassin duo to ever make dad jokes while offing bad guys
“for the first time ever i’m not the lamest” -clint barton probably
when i was 5 years old my best friend was a boy named kyle who didn’t know how to knock on doors so he made dinosaur noises outside my window to wake me up in the summer until i demonstrated how to ball his fists and slam them against my doors. we collected caterpillars in my trailer park and built them houses while we traded pokemon cards. he wasn’t the only one. there was ben, and mitch, and noah—but kyle’s the only one who hurt me, because when he tried to kiss me and i asked him why, he told me “because you’re a girl and i’m a boy, shouldn’t we like each other?”
i missed him so much and i wondered why he couldn’t just be my friend like he always was
in the first grade there was rich and joseph and i got sent to detention with them almost every day with a smile on my face. we built block towers and sang to my teacher’s lion king soundtracks when she’d turn the lights off during lunch time. one day they got in a fist fight over me at recess, and i wondered why they felt they needed to share my friendship, like it was something they owned.
in the second grade zach and i played yu gi oh under our desks during free time and i got moved for talking to him constantly. everyone in the class would tease him and i for talking, asking when we were going
to date already, asking him if he’d kissed me, and he stopped being my
friend.
when i was 11 i met a chubby boy with the name of a colour who wore
puffy vests and unwashed t-shirts, with greasy hair and bright blue eyes
and a smile that hid hurt behind it. people didn’t like him because he
was silly, but i liked him, because i was also silly. he became my
friend the day he bought me 5 giant roses and asked me to be his
girlfriend, and i politely declined but promised him i’d be his best
friend because i’d always wanted a best guy friend that stuck around.
we burnt our feet on the concrete during the summer and walked home
with the sunset silhouetting us. he talked often about how he loved me,
but never blamed me for being me, even though he refused to move on.
that boy dyed his hair jet black and sat on the end of my bed playing
songs to me on guitar, and all that pent up rage from before didn’t show
until the first time he slapped me across the face and called me a dumb
cunt.
in the 7th grade there was a boy named ryan who sat next to me on the
bus and talked to me about manga. he’d ask me personal invasive
questions but i didn’t mind because it was attention and i liked
attention. i was dating another guitarist with curly brown hair, one
who was much more kind-tempered than the other, and ryan mentioned how
much of an asshole he was every day. i wondered, why, why does he think
the love of my life is an asshole? but whenever i asked him, he just
told me, “girls only date assholes. there’s no room for nice guys like
me.”
i wondered, if he was so nice, why did he say such mean things?
he never stopped with me, taking me to movies, hanging out with me,
you know. being friendly. i thought we were friends. but then, how
many times had i thought that before?
how many times had i bonded with a boy, thought they got me, only for them to ask me if i wanted to make out?
how come when i told ryan i was coming out as a lesbian, he stopped
being my friend, and said “damnit, the one girl i really want to pound
into a mattress, and she’s only interested in chicks!”
there was a boy my junior year who stayed up all night with me until
the sun rose, talking about life, past loves, hopes, dreams. beneath a
million twinkling stars spanning forever, he brushed long brown hair out
of his eyes and listened to me talk about the history that made me.
then he asked me if i’d ever consider dating a guy, and complained
about how he’d never get laid.
when i told him no a couple hundred times, he found new girls to listen to.
i would sit on the couch and play zelda with dakota, and he’d talk
about all my favourite games with me. he was the closest thing to
support i had, and the letters and poems he wrote me were always so kind
and friendly. but he’d put his arms around me on the couch, and no
matter how many times i told him i was uncomfortable, he’d still come
over every day and do it.
“don’t you know how it feels to love someone and not have them love
you back? don’t you know what it feels like to be friendzoned?”
when i meet guys who talk about the friendzone, who talk about the
girls who don’t give “nice guys” like them i chance, i always want to
just say
when i was 10 years old i met a girl whose brown hair fell across her
shoulders and whos eyes sparkled when the sunlight hit them, whose
voice was like velvet and whose scent was like mountain smoke, who made
me dizzier than a fly climbing a sugar hill. and i’m 18 years old, and i
still love her, and she knows, and she doesn’t love me.
but my first thoughts upon hearing her rejection were not “what a
bitch,” were not “she just wants a douchebag and not a nice girl like
me!” were not “im going to keep pushing her until she dates me,”
they were
“she is the best friend i have ever had, and i am the best she’s ever had, and i would hate to take that away from her.”
so before you play the victim, mr. Nice Guy, before you angrily throw
your fedora on the ground and blame the girl you claim to adore so
much:
put yourself in the shoes of a girl who thought she made a wonderful
friend, only to find out that he just wanted her for sex. that he just
wanted her for a relationship. a girl who was just an object to win, a
prize. a girl who’s trust you’ve just shattered.
maybe she friendzoned you. but you girlfriendzoned her, first.
Even if you don’t read it all, read the last sentence. Then you will understand so much about me and other girls.
It is not a stupid question. Even if it is a stupid question, we have been thoroughly trained to answer your question without judgement or second-guessing. Besides, we’re mostly just glad you’re not asking us about the noise the printer is making again.
There are probably (at least) two desks in the library. One is where you check out books and is mostly staffed by people wearing nametags that say “Circulation Clerk.” These people can answer your questions about damaged or missing books, fines, and how many forms of identification we’ll need if you want to get a library card but your mailing address is in Taiwan. The other one is closer to the books and computers and is mostly staffed by people wearing nametags that say “Librarian.” These people can answer your questions about spider extermination, how to rent property to the United States Postal Service, and the number of tropical island nations in which you could theoretically establish the first United States Embassy. We would love to answer these questions for you. It would be a nice change from the printer.
We probably own a 3D printer by now. 3D printers, are cool, right? Please, please come use our 3D printer, it’s so lonely.
We spent a lot of money to hire this woodworker to come and teach a class at the library which you can attend for free. You will probably be the only person between the ages of ten and fifty in attendance, but your presence will fill the librarian with an unnameable joy. They will float back to their manager in a daze. “A young person came to my program,” they will say. You will have made their entire job worthwhile.
Every time you ask us for a book, movie, or music recommendation, a baby librarian gets their first cardigan.
Somewhere in the library, there is a form. If you fill out this form with your name and library card number and the details of the thing you are looking for, we will find you the thing. Sometimes the answer is “the thing is in Great Britain and they will not send it to us,” but more often the thing will just appear on hold for you, and one day you will pick up a copy of that out-of-print book you never thought you would read and maybe you will say, “Wow, the library is amazing,” and the librarian’s heart will glow.
Please bring back book #2. The rest of its series misses it very much.
Five dollars is not a large library fine. Believe me, before I started working in libraries, I too wondered how someone could sleep at night, knowing they owed money to the library. When we laugh as you sheepishly apologize for your $2.50 in overdue fees, we are not mocking you, we are thinking of the ten people we sent to debt collection already today.
We really don’t care why you’re checking out Fifty Shades of Grey. Maybe you have a specifically-themed ironic bachelorette party to plan. Maybe you’re working on a thesis paper about mainstream media’s depiction of female sexuality. Maybe you just got curious. We will give you the benefit of the doubt.
Whatever you’re smoking in the family restroom, please stop.
Somewhere on the library’s website, buried under “Links” or “Research” or “On-line Resources,” is a page that a librarian spent a month’s worth of work on. It contains many links to websites you thought everyone knew about, and one to a page that you could never have imagined existed that perfectly solves a problem you never expected to be resolved.
Imagine the kind of person who would think to themselves, “Library school sounds like a thing I should do.” For the most part, you are imagining the kind of person who is now a librarian. We want very much to help you, but we’re not entirely sure how to do that unless you ask. You are not bothering us. Please, come and say hi.
I want the Deadpool movie to have absolutely no regard for
the fourth wall.
I want Wade to do something and be like, “damn, that’ll look
amazing on the big screen”.
I want him to laugh at people watching in 3D when he whips
his katanas out abruptly and they undoubtedly flinch.
I want him to be in the middle of an intense scene and then
ask someone to step an inch to the left and when they exasperatedly ask why I want him to look right down the
camera and say “so you don’t ruin my dramatic close up”.
I want him to reference his own comic books. Even just have them laying around wherever he’s
calling home.
I want him to make fun of Marvel.
I want movie Wade to have as little regard for the fourth
wall as comic book Wade.
sometimes i remember that sulu saved everyone’s lives on the enterprise because he forgot to take off the parking brake and i feel better about everything
