1. hates donald trump
2. got his ear pierced at claires because why not
3. legit asks people to beat him up in action scenes EVEN NOW AS AN OLD MAN
4. is arguably one of the most iconic star wars characters yet couldnt give less of a crap abt star wars
5. the universe tried to kill him (or at least permanently incapacitate him) twice in 2015 and it only mildly inconvenienced him
6. flies helicopters in search and rescue missions
7. was in his 40s for the majority of the indiana jones series which is insane when you think about all the stunts involved
8. quote “the director yells cut and harrison cracks open a beer and then builds a fucking shed”
9. arguably sexy
10. points angrily and its super effective
11. is just a really sweet person 12. no really my dad worked with him on firewall as the tech advisor and he was just a really swell guy 13. got my mom’s birth date from my dad and sent her flowers 14. he sent my mom flowers for her birthday 15. he didn’t even know her he just wanted to be sweet
this was a beautiful and necessary edition to this post thank you oh my god
When he was asked to be in Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” video, in which he pulled up alongside them in a car and gave Jimmy a little wink and an air-kiss, when he showed up at the set he looked kind of put out. Kimmel was afraid he wasn’t down with what they were asking. But he just said, “I don’t know, this wardrobe…don’t you have anything mesh that I could wear?”
When he was filming “Witness” he rented a small farm from a friend of mine. At the end of the filming my friend went and checked out the property as usual. He noticed the barn door had been leveled so it no longer would swing open on it’s own. Went into the house and saw the closets had been redone, in the kitchen the cabinets had been replaced and all the drawers now opened really well. Turns out that there were thousands of dollars of work and materials put into fixing up everything at the place.
My friend called Ford and asked him how much he was asking for the work. Ford told him doing that kind of thing helped him relax and stay sane when he was filming. Would not take a dime. Plus he paid for a new water heater and got the sewage system cleaned out.
And he paid rent to live there the entire time.
Local Carpenter Stumbles Into Stardom, Worries This May Interfere With His Carpentry
My step sister was driving through Wyoming once, near Ford’s ranch. She stops for gas, and as she’s filling up, this huge motorcycle roars in behind her, scared the pants off her. The rider, dressed in all black steps off, and she yells at him “who do you think you are blasting in here like that, you Darth Vader looking motherfucker?”. He takes off the helmet, and it’s Harrison Ford, and without missing a beat he says
“Hey! I’m not Darth Vader, I’m Luke Skywalker”
From the co-production designer on The Force Awakens, Darren Gilford:
“The Millennium Falcon was the first thing we were actually building. I had been in London and I came home back to L.A. for Christmas. So I go to Sports Chalet to do some last-minute shopping; I get there early, run to the back of the store, get what I need. I’m coming back through the store, and I just happen to pass this person holding up a pair of ski pants, and it’s Harrison Ford. I look at him, he looks at me and puts his head right down. I can tell he doesn’t want to be bothered; I’m sure from the look on my face he knew I knew who he was.
So I walk past him, and after about 10 feet I think, ‘If there’s ever a time to say hello to Harrison Ford, I’m building the Millennium Falcon!’ So I turn around very hesitantly and go, ‘Harrison, I’m sorry to bother you. I’m co-production designer on the new Star Wars, I’m just back from London, and I’ve been building the Falcon.’ A big smile came across his face, he put his hand out, and we had such a great conversation — he couldn’t have been sweeter.
As I’m walking away, he goes, ‘Darren!’ and calls me back. He goes, ‘The toggle switches.’ I go, ‘Toggle switches.’ He goes, ‘The toggle switches on the Falcon. When they built it the first time, they bought cheap toggle switches without any springs in them. Every time I threw a toggle switch, it fell back; it wouldn’t hold. It drove me crazy. Please, make sure the toggle switches are fixed this time.’ I go, ‘No problem! I’ll take care of it!’
So months go by, I’m back in London, we’re getting close [to principal photography], and I get a phone call saying J.J.’s headed down to check out the cockpit, and Harrison’s with him. I run down there and I see J.J. in the passenger seat and Harrison in the pilot seat. They’re just giddy; they’re having so much fun. And then I see Harrison look up, and he just starts throwing all the toggle switches: boom, boom, boom, boom. [Laughs.] And I remember thinking, ‘Phew, minor victory. Take solace in that and move on. Next task.’ That’s my favorite story.”
HARRISON FORD SMILES WHEN MEETING CREW MEMBERS AND IS A NERD FOR FUNCTIONING PRODUCTION DESIGN
Don’t forget about his Halloween costumes
Harrison ford is a chaotic-good-aligned cryptid, confirmed
i understand the historical reasons why English is the most common language
but if I was writing a speculative fiction novel
and I said “the language that most people learn as a second language, usually for professional reasons, is also the only one with a spelling system so terrible that spelling words correctly is a broadcasted competition”
you’d be like “extremely unrealistic 0/10”
i never thought of this, do other languages not have spelling bees?
spock: self care is meditation, organizing your thoughts, and applying logic to your situation in times when your mind is not at peace
kirk: self care is drinking fifteen red bulls and launching yourself into space so you can go get in a fistfight on the astral plane with an alien who says hes god
everyone talks about how Grantaire’s name is literally the french way to say ‘R’, but why does no one ever mention the significance of Enjolras’ name???
i mean, the verb ‘enjôler’ literally fucking means to seduce with fine words why does no one talk about that
Because - the statement seems so ordinary, when you first hear it. It’s just another badass phrase from the trailers generalizing how the world is bad, and Diana is too good and too young to go out and be trying to protect it.
Then I remember how Hippolyta suffered.
She too was once a hero. She too fought to protect mankind. She was also young, daring and adventurous once.
But she lost.
She lost her sisters, mothers and friends in war. She watched her clan be killed, slaughtered mercilessly and endlessly at the hands of Ares and his soldiers - and this battle must’ve been so traumatizing for her to the point that when she managed to lead the remaining Amazons to victory, she demanded that the gods give her a safe haven, where she and her sisters could live in peace and safety. She swore to protect her Amazon family, and her island allowed for them to live in isolation, while kept safe from the dangers of man.
Zeus granted her a child - and you can imagine Hippolyta’s love and tenderness towards this child, the first child the Amazons had seen in centuries. Hippolyta poured so much heart and tears into raising Diana. Training her to be the best warrior, protecting her, spending time with her as mother and daughter. Watching Diana grow. Braiding her hair. Feeding her by hand, and laughing as she told her daughter stories. Helping Diana hop onto and adjust her saddle when she was old enough to ride a horse. The two of them leaving the rest of the group whilst on hunts, and laughing as they raced each other on horseback through the luscious forests and coasts of Themyscira. Hippolyta watching nervously as Diana shoots her first arrow, and being unable to hide her pride when Diana helps her opponents up to their feet again after knocking them down.
This daughter, this woman is nothing like any other Amazon. Diana is a born warrior and a natural leader at heart, but there is a warmth to her voice and a tender love when she meets with others.
Hippolyta worries for Diana’s innocence.
So when Steve crashes on the island and brings word of war raging through the world, and Ares is the prime suspect, and Hippolyta catches Diana in the act of stealing God-Killer and the Wonder Woman armor, she is heartbroken.
Here is her daughter, the pride of her life, one of the greatest people Hippolyta has ever known - being selfless and brave, just as Hippolyta once was herself. Diana is determined to go out and save the world, she is young, she is innocent - and she will see and face many horrors, horrors that even Hippolyta herself cannot understand.
As any mother would, a huge part of Hippolyta wants Diana to stay home and be safe. Man’s world has betrayed the Amazons before, and Diana is too young and naive to understand. Her only daughter - what if she doesn’t return?
But another part of her understands. Diana has what it takes to be the ambassador between Themyscira and the rest of the world. Diana can’t stay here on this island her entire life - the true test is out there, where danger lies.
Hippolyta willingly gives up her greatest love for the sake of the betterment of mankind. She gives up her only daughter and the future queen to the Amazons to a lost cause, and her beloved child will see pain and torture like no other before.
The phrase “they do not deserve you” carries more weight to Queen Hippolyta than it possibly could to anyone else, and honestly, its so overwhelmingly heartfelt and sad - and this movie is going to be so kickass I could never put it into words.
hey so it’s march now aka the beginning of endometriosis awareness month and i feel obligated to remind you that debilitatingly painful periods are not normal. if you or someone you know is ending up sick or bedridden every month, you are not crazy and deserve medical attention from someone who will take you seriously
hey it’s march again let’s get this post circulating again
So I noticed this line in Prisoner of Azkaban and now I can’t stop thinking about how great it would be if Remus Lupin and Minerva McGonagall became good friends while Remus was teaching at Hogwarts, so here are some headcanons about that:
When they meet for the first time in 15 years, it breaks Minerva’s heart to think about the eager awkward boy she once knew and to look at the broken man with the tired eyes he has become. She notices how much Remus has aged since she last saw him.
For Remus, being back at Hogwarts hurts like hell. As he gives McGonagall an unconvincing smile, he can’t stop thinking of his school days and of how much has changed.
“Hello, Professor. It’s been a long time,“ Remus says slowly.
McGonagall pulls Remus into a hug. He is stiff but doesn’t pull away.
Remus at first being reluctant to talk to any of the other teachers much because he doesn’t feel he belongs there and he’s kind of lost the will to connect with people.
McGonagall making sure that Remus is involved in every staff room conversation
McGonagall adjusting to the strangeness of seeing Remus on his own, not with three other grinning boys
McGonagall joking with Remus about pranks he pulled at school and Remus explaining how they were done
McGonagall correcting Remus each time he called her ‘Professor’ rather than Minerva
Remus and Minerva staying up late in the staff room drinking tea and talking about complex magical theory
Remus asking Minerva “Tell me about James and Lily’s boy, tell me all about Harry”
Minerva telling Remus about Harry’s skill at Quidditch, about how he fought a troll in his first year, how he has two inseparable friends, how last year he secretly brewed Polyjuice Potion and defeated a Basilisk…
Remus confiding in Minerva about how strange he feels when he looks Harry “He’s the spit of James… but Lily’s eyes… I held him as a baby… I heard him speak his first words… and now he doesn’t know me at all… I never would have thought I’d be a stranger to James’ son”
Minerva understands because sometimes she sees James when she looks at Harry
Minerva and Remus chatting about their students’ progress, especially Harry’s
Minerva changing the subject or distracting Remus whenever Sirius Black is mentioned in the staff room because she sees the pain those conversations cause Remus.
Minerva defending Remus whenever she hears other teachers muttering about how it isn’t safe to have a werewolf teaching students
Minerva making sure that she keeps track of the lunar calendar and that gives Remus space when the full moon is approaching
One night when he is curled up in pain in his office on the night of the full moon, Remus is surprised and comforted when a cat with spectacle markings around its eyes finds its way in. The cat sits with him every full moon after that.
When Remus resigns, Minerva comes into his office and asks “Are you sure about this? If you want to stay, I will do everything I can…” but Remus just shakes his head. “Well- look after yourself,” Minerva says like it’s an order.
My speculation is that the Polecats are a Gas Town specialty. You just don’t see them in the Citadel or the Bullet Farm.
The idea and method came out of climbing up and down the refinery towers and riding on oil derricks, among other oil-and-gas work that goes on in Gas Town.
The swinging poles technique wound up being a great way to drop someone in on top of a target. Everything in this world is ground-based and on wheels or treads. Getting up above things is a challenge but an advantage.
It’s also an amazingly effective psychological attack: motherfuckers up on poles gonna swing down on top of you and you can’t do anything about it scream.
They are fucking nightmares.
It’s just such a crazy idea; I love it as a world-building thing
The Polecats work in teams of two (or three): one to climb on top of the pole, the other(s) to swing it.
In regards to the teamwork and communication required, it’s not so unlike the Driver-Lancer teamwork among the Warboys.
They also work as sentries or lookouts by sitting on top of stationary poles and are sometimes loaned (with interest expected to be paid) to the other two settlements for that very purpose as well as for attacks.
They assemble their own masks and battle gear and weapons.
The Polecats are regarded with something like respect in Gas Town. They’ve got a wild kind of skill.
They swing on the poles for fun and to show off for each other.
They are also balls-to-the-wall out of their heads. Hence the respect, I guess. Balls-to-the-fucking-wall out of their heads. Do not mess with them.
Swinging on a pole, armed with weaponized yard equipment, fully prepared to bring death from above–yeah, that’ll do it to you.
Balls-to-the-wall out of their heads.
BALLS-TO-THE-WALL OUT OF THEIR HEADS.
Fucking nightmares, all of them.
Nightmares.
Mutilated babydoll faces with nails hammered in them on the backs of their heads what the fuck???
NIGHTMARES.
So amazing.
But much more Generic Villain than the Warboys and their machinery death cult, despite the fact that their costuming is more overtly individualized than the Warboys gear. All their masks and gear are different; all the Warboys wear uniforms. Totally fascinating; well played, moviemakers.
Bonus: I hear some of the stunt performers played both Warboys and Polecats, and full-face masks would help hide that.
The first time I saw a still photo of the Polecats up on their poles, my exact thought process was, “Whoa. That shit’s fucked up. … … … I gotta see this in action.”
And they really did this shit.
That’s a real dude up on that swinging pole.
A real dude
On a swinging pole.
Nightmare apocalypse Cirque du Soleil in the desert–why not???
My favorite thing about Dungeons & Dragons is how fucking quickly people become ride-or-die bitches with each other
no lie i had a campaign where I tried playing a really chaotic neutral “leave me alone” rouge and ended up attached at the hip to our monk who couldn’t roll higher than a natural 10 to literally save his life bc in our first encounter he called my character “a nice lass” and that was all it took
Once made a tinker type halfling and realized that it was actually a really terrible idea since 1) nobody else in the party was mechanical and 2) there weren’t really any weapons that depended on my character’s skills to use. So he was basically a tiny little short dude who was really good at fixing watches, making and throwing alchemist fires and creating warmachines (if he had the time). We also used a homebrew point system where if you crippled your character you could get more points to spend on other things - so poor little Halfling tinkerer had two leg braces, moved at half the speed of everyone else, had an addiction to smoking/chewing tobacco/alcohol and didn’t have the eyesight to use long range weapons/rifles.
He was useless in the current team comp of Elf Sorcerer/Wizard, Human Fighter and Dwarf Cleric of sorts.
Until someone joined and rolled a Warforged. They were inseparable, to the point where I put points in ride and got the DM to give us a little custom harness/saddle so my character could hitch a ride. The Warforged wanted to discover why it was created and what it meant to exist; the Halfling wanted to create something close to the deathstar.
Imagine this - you’re a shitty villain waiting for the heroes to arrive. You know three of them are generic elf/human/dwarf combo with magic, and the fourth is a shitty little halfling, when suddenly a Warforged comes charging through the goddamn wall (John Cena style) with a Halfling riding him like Mother Fucking Mad Max Master Blaster. The Warforged is a monk throwing Str 20+ punches with the fury of his machine god behind his fists while his tiny crippled buddy, who repairs him in exchange for a ride/protection, is suspended in a child’s carrying harness throwing alchemist fire with one hand and shooting off a revolver with the other.
Death comes for you, and it’s in a baby carrier on 7′ of fist.
Translating is hard work. Even with pretty simple translations there can be unexpected difficulties if one of the languages has some funny special rules that apply to everyday life like honorifics and proper address, or words with multiple meanings so instead of asking what time it is you’ll end up asking for a potato. A professional translator can deal with this, of course. But for someone who just knows two pretty different languages, translating even something simple suddenly takes time and ends up getting pretty confusing for everyone involved.
And that leads us to ALIENS!
I think we’ve all read one scifi story or another where an alien is explaining some kind of concept that their species has - it might be related to their Special Sense or something else, but they always conveniently manage to put it in words that the character (and the reader) understand. This makes sense from a storytelling viewpoint, because we’re telling the story to human readers/listeners/viewers who need to understand what’s going on and why.
But it might be fun if the character is teamed up with an alien who gets so confused and/or worked up about some trivial translation that it gets turned into this big whole mysterious deal.
Human: “So, what’s this word mean, ‘thnguwe’?”
Alien: “Thnguwe has… special meaning for our people. It refers to a person’s ability to… form a meaningful connection with another of our kind, and our… entire society is built according to the… concept of thnguwe.”
Human: “How profound! Your civilization has much to teach us!”
Alien #2: “It means ‘talking’. Thnguwe means talking.”
Alien #1: “Oh, talking! I forgot what that word was in human language!”
As a linguist and a translator, I can attest: this is how it works in real life. But, also, when you know more than one language, and you are tired or distracted sometimes they just blurr together and you mix them up. Moreso if you are doing something, say reading in A, but then someone speaks to you in B.
Recon Mission went well. Kind of. They are all tired because Scientists human Marja just had to see if that big apex carnivore could be approached to be petted, for ‘Science!’. Or so Marja had explained to their Mission Commander larlik Kri’l, whom was not amused by an explanation so sensible for such an illogical behaviour. But nobody died so Head Scientist, human Cristina, declared it a win for the Science Team.
They were all dragging themselves to the Sustainance Unit in their ship when Scientist Second in Command, globrl Bwir inquired about what earthling cute companion the big apex carnivore - that almost got everyone killed, added Kri’l using only one mouth so only those in close proximity could hear xem - resembled.
“Oh, yeah it looked just like, ugh, what’stheword uhm, это канареечный” answered Marja whilst grabbing the concoction that all humans called coffe. The human had certainly started in Standard Interspace Communication Language, but the last words were uttered in Standard Earthlings Communication Language.
All turned head(s) to the other human in the Unit, who shrugged “That’s not my mother tongue”.
“Head Scientist Cristina, you are human, aren’t you? From Space Aust- I meant, from Earth, right?”
“Yes, but, it’s not like I know every language spoken on Earth!”
Silence resonated in the Unit.
Scientist Bwir dared to ask “W-what do you mean languages, as in more than one?”
“What, like in your planets they all speak the same language” was the crossed response xem had.
“Yes. Yes we do, because that’s the sensible thing to do. That’s what all sensible life forms who reach interspace travel do. One language, one planet” said slowly Bwird, while all the present crewmembers, who were able to, facepalmed.
Of course the deathplaneters had to complicate even the simplest thing.
Can we stop using Earthlings and start using DeathPlaneteers.
All the gods of myth and legend are real, but having your prayers answered depends on discovering which god can hear you. You figured out which god is listening to your prayers, but they’re not what you expected.
Suzy
was dissapointed. Most people her age had discovered their deity so
far, and she was starting to think she was godless. She turned the
next page of McBayers’ Little Book of Deities,
and tried reading their names aloud to see if she’d get a reaction.
It had taken her weeks just to get through Chinese spirits and
deities, and had finally reached the first page of Egyptian
Gods and you.
“Ammit?
Amun? Anhur?” Nothing. Her heart slowly sank again.Three
more tries, and she’d stop for now.
“Anubis?”
The
ground shook. The lights in Suzy’s room flickered and went out. A
single flame hovered in the middle of the room, and as it grew to a
blaze it changed form. Within the blink of an eye, there was a tall
figure standing in Suzy’s room. The body of a man, and the head of a
jackal. His eyes shone bright as he peered at her.
WHAT
IS IT, SUZY OF THE HOUSE MILLER?
“You’re
the deity that answers my prayers?”
INDEED.
I, ANUBIS, WHO RULES OVER THE LAND OF THE DEAD, IS HERE TO ANSWER
YOUR REQUESTS.
Suzy
thought for a moment. “O great and mighty Anubis who rules over the
afterlife, can I please have a puppy?”
Anubis
seemed taken aback.
IN
THE CENTURIES THAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYED TO, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I
HAVE BEEN REQUESTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS. CHILD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
“I’m
eight and a half. My mommy says that if I can take care of a puppy, I
can keep it.”
ARE
YOU CERTAIN YOU DO NOT WISH FOR ME TO BRING PLAGUES UPON YOUR ENEMIES
OR WEIGH A SOUL FOR YOU?
Suzy
shook her head. “I want a puppy.”
CHILD,
IN TRUTH THIS WISH I CANNOT GRANT. MY JOB HAS BEEN TO BRING PEACE AND
LEAD SOULS INTO THE AFTERLIFE, NOTHING MORE. IF I WERE TO CREATE A
HOUND FOR YOU, IT WOULD BE FORMED OF BONE AND SOUL ALONE.
Suzy
thought for a second. She would have liked to have a nice fluffy
puppy, but then she remembered how Aunt Marge’s Sphinx cat was still
nice, even without fur.
“No
fur is fine, as long as they don’t bite and make a mess.”
Anubis
nodded, and raised a hand. Underneath his palm an intricate symbol
appeared on the floor. It glowed bright, and the floorboards burst
apart. Up sprang a massive skeletal dog, bigger than suzy herself.
Its eye sockets held blue flame, and its jaw hang partly open in a
perpetual grin. It slowly walked over to Suzy and nuzzled her.
“What
does it eat?”
IT
WILL NOT NEED SUSTENANCE, AND WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO SERVE ITS
NEW MASTER. I HOPE THIS WILL SUFFICE.”
“I
love it. Thank you, Anubis.”
Anubis
looked slightly taken aback, but nodded peacefully.
FAREWELL
FOR NOW, SUZY OF THE MILLERS. IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE
BUT TO ASK ME.
Suzy
nodded, and ran over to her parents’ room to show them her new dog.
She was pretty sure they couldn’t object to this pet.
Someone please draw me Damen of Akeilos as a big easygoing mastiff who’s all muscle and cheerful friendly affection until you piss him off (mastiffs were bred to hunt BEARS), with Laurent as the sleek silver cat who rides around on his back looking imperious and disdainful and likes to remind people that housecats are pound for pound one of the most lethal predators around.
I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true
I absolutely adore discovering what different people find hilarious with Cards Against Humanity because you’ll have someone who won’t even flinch when a card like “bees?” or “Boris the Soviet Love Hammer” is played but in the next second they’re crying from laughing at "this is your pilot speaking fasten your seat belts and prepare for clams“
do yourselves a huge favor today and go through the notes/tags on this post because some of the card combinations people are bringing up are out of this goddamn world
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien species stare at us openly when we talk about what conditions are like on Earth.
“… you need to leave that planet. Now. You’re not safe there.”
“Your planet is the most hostile planet in the entire sector.” “What?” “Your planet’s extreme atmospheric disturbances, rapid temperature fluctuations, and hostile wildlife… It’s a miracle you survived.” “Oh, so like Australia?” “What is… Australia?” “A place on Earth.” “You have a terrestrial equivalent to your planet on your planet itself? Surely something so terrible cannot exist!” “It’s an alright place, mate; I live there.” “[faints]”
Stories circulate throughout the Intergalactic Confederation of a Floreevian settler who was separated from their team while out gathering specimens. Without their communication module or maps they soon became hopelessly lost. They wandered for days on end, searching for any signs of the Floreevian camp, the risk of death by exposure an ever growing concern.
Then one day, there occurred a horrifying event: solidified precipitation. They knew for certain they had entered the Uninhabitable Zone of Kel III. They tried to run back the way they came, but the precipitation fall extended far beyond their current position and the extreme pain of unprotected dermal contact with solidified water particles was debilitating.
They had given up all hope of survival when they were suddenly covered by a protective textile, they were completely wrapped in it before being picked up and carried to an unfamiliar shelter.
Once inside, they learned that a human had found them. There was a human settlement in the area and, and several others even further in the uninhabitable zone.
They asked the human why he would choose to live in such an extreme place, and he said that it reminded him of home. The human let the Floreevian warm up inside his shelter as he went back into the elements to retrieve his young.
Reportedly, they had gone outside when the solidified precipitation began to fall to attempt to catch particulates on their tongues.
After spending several days recovering in the human shelter, the Floreevian was able to use the human’s communication module to contact the Floreevian camp. Once the camp’s location had been established, the human transported them back to their camp in his own personal transportation unit, despite the increased danger of the terrain.
Thanks to the human, the Floreevian survived an otherwise deadly situation.
And the number of similar such stories of rescue through human intervention only increases as exploration extends to more potentially hostile planets.
I think a lot of the HFY stuff gets a little into the chest thumping “humanity are warriors grrrr!” camp. But even on Earth humans are a little weird in where we spent our attribute points. One of the big ways being running upright, which turns out to be really efficient if you’ve got the majority of your musculature geared toward keeping you from toppling over. Like humans may not be all that fast but if in shape we can run some crazy distances if we pace ourselves. Just imagine an alien hearing about marathons:
“To use your turn of phrase bull-shit Chris! You’re telling me you have foot races that run for, what is that, the width of a small city? I know you’ve got endurance but that’s a little arrogant even for you.”
“Nonono! I’ve never really done a marathon, that takes dedication. I just did 5ks.”
“The k being…”
“Kilo…meters.”
“Remind me never to get chased by you.”
Back to the “your planet isn’t safe” i can see one scientist whose passion is planets going “Uhm. One of the other planets in our system include one that rains literal acid. Earth isn’t that bad guys.”
Solas: Yesterday after she finished her discussion with Leliana she… Instead of using the stairs she hurled herself from the top of the tower down onto my desk. Then picked herself up and addressed me as if nothing odd had occurred.
Blackwall: She does it from the battlements as well. Just last week I was strolling by the stables when a dwarf in hundred pound armor came streaking down from the sky like a bloody meteor. Left a dent in the sod. She stood there shuddering for a second and then stood up, grinned, and asked me how I felt about Cullen’s leadership.
Varric: The other day I caught her staring down a cliff in the Storm Coast. I pointed out that there was a path nearby, but she just said, “Nah, I’ve got enough guard for this.” And flung herself off.
Cassandra: I… I was not aware.
Inquisitor: *Lands in a thunderous heap a few feet away* Hey guys, I saw you from the east tower and wondered what the party was all about! What’s everybody talking about?
It is very important to me that Naomi helped the Hork-Bajir write a constitution, on about five different levels.
1) Naomi learning to respect the Hork-Bajir enough to realize they need a lawyer.
2) Naomi bringing her lawyer skills to the Hork-Bajir valley even as she lives in a shack in the woods to hide from a galactic war.
3) The Animorphs keep telling us that the Hork-Bajir are as simple as human toddlers, but there is no way a group of toddlers could write a constitution, with or without a lawyer to help them. They wouldn’t see the need for a constitution in the first place. Hork-Bajir, like humans, are political animals. (Let it be noted that Toby was not one of the Hork-Bajir working on the constitution.)
4) They were debating who gets to harvest bark where. However much it bothered Naomi (though she secretly loved it) the Hork-Bajir were planning out the distribution of food resources among them.
5) The Hork-Bajir don’t get nearly enough credit, not from the Animorphs, the Andalites, or the fandom.
Bodhi, sweet angel Bodhi, paid all of the attention in the empire induction safety talk; he presses the three red buttons at 12, 6 and 3 o'clock, twists anticlockwise 45° and the grenade is disarmed.
Unbenkownst to Chirrut, Jyn placed her crystal within his staff, a tiny morsel of hope; the blaster shot headed straight for his heart, strikes it instead, and is deflected into his shoulder.
Baze, seeing his love in pain and in danger, but not without hope for survival, flies into a rage and fights his way back to the ship, dragging chirrut behind him; he kills 32 men, and saves one.
Cassian and Jyn are just about to step into the lift when Bodhi hisses from the radio telling them to get where he can see them FAST; they don’t look down when they step over Krennic, even when he grips Jyn’s ankle and begs
Two days later Cassian is well enough to argue his way out of medbay, down to droid storage, where he loads K2-SO’s last backup into another imperial droid; K3-SO sighs and says, “Did you let me die again? You know as soon as I work out how, I’m deleting the self-sacrifice algorithm you wrote into me.”
If I bring this back on my main will y'all get it to a nice round 500
i dont think american filmmakers realise how huge london is, because sure you have the london eye and houses of parliament but when you say ‘london has fallen’ what??? so the nandos in catford is in flames? the tesco in peckham has descended into chaos? wtf??
And I don’t mean like attractive cute, I mean like baby otter cute. What if the stumble upon us and go “ohhhhh my god!!! Oh my god!!!! I’m dying this is- look at it! Look at them!!! Oh my god!!!”
We usually imagine having to come up with some Devils trade or unholy arrangement to get tech and trade with aliens, but the instant they see us the aliens immediately set out into conservation efforts. They’re like “their habitat is becoming harsh and unlivable for them! We have to save them!” And everyone just puts a picture of us next to this information and they all agree “Look at them! We have to save them!!” We become like the panda mascots of intergalactic conservation efforts.
Simultaneously, our main export is just streams, videos, holograms, and photos of us. Aliens lose their composure completely over videos of us sneezing or yawning or eating pop tarts or playing video games or taking care of our kids.
There are lines of aliens who would LOVE to have a human in their home or on their ship. It’s a little condescending (we’re not sure if we’re guests or well treated exotic pets) but still a good opportunity, and any human who wants can go to space at any time basically for free or even for profit, and the aliens will go out of their way to give you anything you ask for.
There are obvious downsides. We struggle to be taken seriously. While it’s usually shut down pretty quickly, every once in a while some alien group sees the demand for us and tries to start an illegal trade. But at the same time, it’s neat that somewhere out there is an alien (or usually a LOT of aliens) that would love you unconditionally, find every flaw and idiosyncrasy endearing, be worried about you and do anything they could to make you safe and happy. They work hard to make our planet and our personal lives better and don’t ask for anything in return. They just do it because they decided we are important and worth saving just for existing. It’s an odd relationship, and we’re not always sure what to make of it, but honestly it goes a lot better than we worried alien contact would.
I’m down to be a spoiled pampered alien pet.
It would be a lot easier to get “fixed.”
We’re all a bit confused by the cute human memes, which are usually just pictures of some random human with a phrase in alien cuneiform next to it, but which many of the aliens think are hysterical. Photos of the Lincoln Memorial are particularly popular for this for some reason, and it’s a little unsettling to see the alien spaceships with pictures of Lincoln plastered across their forcefields, saying “g+gnor’gax!” and the humor just doesn’t translate at all.
I mean, it’s not bad, exactly. Just…odd. And fortunately alien music is mostly outside our hearing range, so the sad commercials with the interstellar equivalent of Sarah McLachlan broadcasting over them, explaining how the humans are suffering at this time of rotation just look like a rather puzzling montage of normal people. It’s just the aliens get so sad when they see it and their temporal glands leak and it’s…well, a little messy.
I love the idea that we are SIMULTANEOUSLY batshit-bonkers space orcs and the alien equivalent of Red Pandas or kittens.
Like, “Oh they’re adorable!” “Yes, but for the love of zornax, don’t let one bite you! My pod-cousin lost a hand that way!” “Do you think they evolved this way to surivive the terrifying fauna on their world?” “I saw a holovid of one riding one of the so-called “moose” one time!”
#wait #we’re big cats #giant murder cuteness
Oh my god that’s exactly it! :D
But imagine that last bit as two different groups. Okay, so to one species of alien we’re adorable, right? And to another we’re orcs. Imagine the conflict of those two cultures. Team Orc is talking to Team Cuddles about how useful we are on dangerous field missions and Team Cuddles LOSES THEIR SHIT.
“You sent my cuddle-fwumpkin WHERE?!? to do WHAT!?!”
“They’re uniquely qualified to explore dangerous territories that are uninhabitable to most lifeforms … ”
“I don’t caaaaaare! Hfjfjfj HD bf!!!”
Like, foreign policy issued specifically for the proper utilization of human laborers. How would human cultures engage differently in these circumstances? Like, in the US would people look down on the humans that hang out with Team Cuddles as looking for alien handouts? Would they be blamed when Team Orc humans don’t get taken seriously on expeditions?
Like, there’s so muuuuuch more to explore here.
Cue unscrupulous or ironic human merchant selling “Save the humans! (Collect the entire set)” stickers in various alien scripts and fonts.
I’ve been around fanfiction for half my life, and I don’t bat an eyelash at any of it, but every now and then it hits me that fanfiction is how soooooooo many underage girls are learning about sex, an idea that alarms me for about 0.2 seconds before I remember it’s a better, safer, more positive education than they’ll ever get at school.
If you have questions about sexuality, youngsters, you could ask a counselor or nurse or a parent OR YOU COULD ask an older person in fandom because the odds are way better that we won’t be embarrassed by your freaky deaky.
No one who describes peens is easily embarrassed.
Except don’t ask me. I’ll tell you shit like “hey did you know you have a sphincter muscle in your eyes?????”
The computer said my next patient’s name was Lucifer, and that he was a domestic. Not that an unusual name for a pet, I have to admit.
“Come on in. Do you have Lucifer hiding in that box for me?” I say. A gentleman dressed all in black with a rather spiky aesthetic and a selection of piercings comes into my consult room and opens the box.
He places a perfectly black rabbit on the table.
Honestly, I had been expecting a cat.
Turns out Lucifer is his new rabbit. He’d insisted on taking it from a friend who wasn’t taking care of it a few months ago.
Lucifer, for his part, had decided the table was too scary and that his dad’s leather clad armpit was the best place to be.
To my surprise and delight, our new goth rabbit owner is doing everything right. Perfect diet, read up on rabbit health, vaccinating, enrichment, the works.
He even started a vegetable garden to grow treats for the rabbit, or as he put it, “tributes for lucifer.”
Steve Rogers gets himself an Instagram and follows Dwayne Johnson, as one does.
The Rock posts one of his giant breakfast pictures, as he is wont to do.
Steve, lil shit that he is, responds with HIS enormous breakfast, insinuating that perhaps Dwayne Johnson’s breakfast isn’t actually all that much food and if he ate THAT he’d be hungry in, like, an hour.
It goes on like that, for WEEKS, good-natured teasing about how much food they eat spilling over into Twitter and callouts during interviews.
Until they agree to have breakfast together, and the last post about it is just a picture of the two of them, lying flat on the Rock’s living room floor with his dog sniffing at Steve’s head, both of them with big hands splayed over their bellies like they can’t possibly fit any more.
Neither will say who actually can eat more – every time they’re asked, they start in on how awesome the other is and how much respect they have for each other and how glad they are that they got to become friends.
This is everything I have ever wanted.
The first video on the Rock’s instagram gets posted at 4:15 AM – this is not uncommon, nor is the fact that he’s walking around his brightly-lit Iron Paradise. It’s more the bouncing that’s unusual.
“You know what the BEST THING about being buddies with CAPTAIN AMERICA is? Yesterday I got to meet the motherfucking Falcon. That’s right, SAM WILSON was here, was right here! I asked him what it was like to fly, and he grinned at me and then we did like, an hour and a half of planks and v-sits and he had me hanging from the TRX to hold planks and I swear I was shaking halfway through and he just laughed and said, ‘now imagine you have a couple rockets strapped to your ass, now you flyin.’ and I’m tellin’ you, THAT MAN is a fucking ROCK, it was amazing.”
The camera swings around to the barbell setups before coming back to Dwayne’s face. “He also told me that Steve Rogers knows almost nothing about weightlifting and Steve agreed he’s got no idea where his PR might be, so today is gonna be LEG DAY. My entire torso is fuckin’ killing me, but this is gonna be AWESOME. Stay tuned, y’all.”
The second video of the day comes in the afternoon; Dwayne looks exhausted but Steve Rogers looks plenty fresh and also a combination of sheepish and smug.
Dwayne opens with a deadpan, “Leg day.”
“I learned so much!” Steve is enthusiastic, almost bouncy. “This guy is a great teacher.”
“He also,” and the video pans around to the barbell setups seen earlier in the day, “broke my motherfucking gym.”
The thick barbell in the middle of the floor is wickedly bent, standing on its own in an inverted V. All of the big metal plates are scattered around the floor instead of on the racks, and several dumbbells are also twisted into odd shapes. One of the biggest weight plates is buried high in the far wall, only about half of it sticking out, like a giant ninja had thrown a shuriken.
“Don’t worry, Dwayne, we’ll figure out my deadlift PR eventually,” Steve’s voice comes from behind the camera.
“Man, fuck you,” Dwayne can be heard before the video cuts out.
The weight plate stays up in the brick wall; Dwayne doesn’t actually tell anyone that he’d asked if Steve could do that so he’d have a souvenir.
My favorite thing about Dungeons & Dragons is how fucking quickly people become ride-or-die bitches with each other
no lie i had a campaign where I tried playing a really chaotic neutral “leave me alone” rouge and ended up attached at the hip to our monk who couldn’t roll higher than a natural 10 to literally save his life bc in our first encounter he called my character “a nice lass” and that was all it took
“what’s new pussycat” is playing in the starbucks right now im yellin g
tHE BARISTA IS SMIRKING OKAY THIS WAS 100% INTENTIONAL
there’s a table of girls laughing and singing along holy shit they knOW
the baristas are feigning innocence i canno t believe this im living a real life salt n pepper diner experience right now
i realize i put a lot of information in the tags of the first post so let me reiterate: it was definitely playing on a loop. it looped at least 4 times before the girls at the table caught on and started teasing the baristas about it
update: they’re now playing all-star by smash mouth, this starbucks is run by a bunch of meme loving fucks
