So because I like Dying and Being Dead, I was talking to @lathori about how every universe needs more time loop AU’s (like Groundhog Day but with more murder, given the kind of things I like), and that sort of led into her being like “Well, come up with a few then, be the content you want to see in the world,” and naturally the first thing I came up with since I’m rereading The Captive Prince was an AU where Laurent’s life resets every time he or Damen dies. Soooo…this is the first loop.
Laurent is drunk when the doors open and the
slave is marched through. It is possible
that this does dangerous things to his judgement.
He looks at the slave, dressed in the brief
silks of his barbarian homeland with his face ornamented with gold paint. The collar and chain are anything but decorative,
and the slave’s carefully blank expression does not hide the revulsion in his
eyes.
The slave is broad through his shoulders and
trim through the waist, with the muscles of a soldier and a handsome face under
the black curls. Sharp jaw, full mouth,
dark eyes that gleam under a strong brow.
A scar, ragged and bold even in comparison to the others littering the
slave’s body, rests at his shoulder.
Laurent feels something strike his chest,
like being slammed with an open palm and pinned to the ground, and the room seems
to vanish from around him. All he hears
is a ringing in his ears, and all he sees is the man in front of him, being
pushed to his knees with a look of raw, hot hatred flashing over his face. Laurent sympathizes.
He stands and walks forward, stops just paces
from the Akeilon, and savors the words on his tongue.
“I knew the King of Akeilos had sent me a
gift,” Laurent says, almost a purr, the most seductive voice he can put on. He tilts his head, lets his hair fall away
from his face and throat, summons every scrap of his brother’s proud nobility
that he can touch. “But I didn’t think
even the barbarian king would send me his own brother, shackled and painted
like a common whore.”
There’s a beat of silence, shock radiating
palpably from the courtiers and guards. Laurent and Prince Damianos stare each other
down.
Damianos surges to his feet, shrugging off
the guards, and Laurent moves.
His hand closes around a blade hidden in the
stiff material of his collar, draws, and thrusts it unerringly into Damianos’
exposed throat. Skin parts like silk, flesh like water. Blood gushes out in a
fountain over Laurent’s hands, the gleaming dark eyes wide as the Akeilon’s
bound hands make an aborted grab for his throat. Laurent drops to the floor with him, kneeling
over Damianos as blood pools and stains their clothing. Damianos jerks and shudders under Laurent’s
hands, gasping, blood bursting red over his lips and tongue as if he’s been
eating berries, or pomegranates.
The triumph that burns in Laurent’s chest is as
hot and sick-making as the grief that floored him when they brought Auguste’s
body back. He revels in it.
He feels the moment Damianos dies, the sudden
shivering loss of tension, and Laurent—
ok so the great wall is literally just two hours of helms deep crossed with attack on titan but with really cool dragons, the most beautiful army i’ve ever seen (led by jing tian), spine tingling drum scenes, and matt damon being literally married to pedro pascal. that’s it, that’s the movie. also jing tian saves all of china and matt damon’s sorry ass, willem dafoe gets blown up, and matt damon rides into the sunset with pedro pascal after sacrificing inestimable wealth and status for a life with him. please consider seeing this ridiculous flm. it’s literally worth it just for the drums and jing tian.
DID YOU WATCH SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON BECAUSE THAT MOVIE AND BALTO WERE MY CHILDHOOD
Okay…so.
My relationship with a lot of movies I watched as a little kid is messy. Spirit being one of them. On the one hand, I think I recall liking it quite a lot. On the other hand, I watched it with my cousins, which is pretty much a knee-jerk hate response because my cousins took their mother and grandmother’s perspective on me. There’s a lot of movies that fall into this category, or, alternatively, the category of “I was too fucked up to deal with this movie as a kid” like for example Spirited Away. It’s a pretty benign movie that I inexplicably had screaming nightmares about. All of these movies fall into the much larger category of ‘very vaguely recalled because they were casualties of memory repression.’
So…I guess the end result is: yeah, I watched it, but like…it’s complicated and I’ll probably rewatch it now that I’m an adult on the other side of some therapy and get a lot more out of it. Sorry this got kind of weirdly personal rather than being a response to the movie.
hey, if you're up for discussion: i noticed a lot of the arguments re: bdsm were the kind of arguments that in other situations might be used against queer relationships. what would the difference be between a bdsm couple having a leash in a grocery store aisle as opposed to two gay men kissing? is it that theres a stigma against choking (man, that sounds weird put like that)? arent they doing their thing wituout asking other ppl to be involved? id love to know ur thoughts if u dont mind.
Oh…kay.
*pours self
a drink*
There’s a
lot to cover here, so everyone buckle up while your queer dom vodka auntie discusses some stuff.
This is regarding this post for anyone who wants to follow along. Here’s the
major points we’re going to hit:
BDSM etiquette
Consent
Sexual vs sensual behavior, AKA sex
vs romance
First off,
we’re going to talk about BDSM—as it should be done, not the exploitative
imitation in 50 Shades. The core of BDSM
is trust: the sub trusts the dom to stop if they safeword out, and the dom
trusts the sub to know their limits and use
that safeword. The three major tenets of
BDSM are Safe, Sane, and Consensual, meaning that everyone in the scene feels
safe because they trust the person they’re with, everyone in the scene knows
what they’re getting into and what they’re doing, and, most critically, they
have agreed to those things clearly
and explicitly. Safe and Sane are pretty
predicated on the people involved knowing what they’re doing, but Consensual is
non-negotiable.
Which brings
us rapidly to point two, consent. This is the major problem with couples
practicing any sort of overt BDSM in public.
The public, merely by their presence, is part of the scene—you don’t do
stuff in public unless the response of the public, the feeling of being watched is somehow part of it, so the
public is involved in the scene—but they have not consented to participation.
Consent in BDSM is (or should be) an intricate thing, based on negotiations
of what people are or are not willing to do, discussion and acknowledgement of
their personal history, and establishing a safeword, a word used to indicate “everything
needs to stop now” that can be used
by anyone involved without protest from other parties. So, for example, if it was me, I might be
like “I have a history of abuse, so I’m not comfortable humiliating a sub or acting
like I’m punishing them,” and the person I was talking with might be like “I’m
not comfortable with being choked, but I’ve always wanted to be tied up.” And then we would go from there with those ground
rules in place, and establish a safeword.
Before we ever discussed a
scene, all of that would be hashed out, and then when we did discuss a scene, it would be something we’d already agreed that
everyone involved was interested in doing and had the option to opt out of.
So, this is
where public BDSM sort of falls apart, yeah?
Because the bystanders have not discussed their boundaries or their
histories, they have not negotiated what they’re interested in, and they do not
have a safeword that will let them opt out of the scene. Suppose one of the bystanders goes up to the
couple and asks, “Hey, could you not choke your girlfriend in public? You’re really freaking my son out.” The couple hasn’t had that discussion with
that bystander, they are not obligated by the BDSM contract to honor that bystander’s
request. Now, it’s the decent thing to
do, to respect someone’s request for what’s really an easy thing, but people…uh,
suck. People suck. Honoring the request to not choke your girlfriend in public actually takes less effort than
doing it anyway, but people suck, so they’re almost inevitably going to go “fuck
you” and do it anyway. Which is NOT how BDSM is supposed to work,
because see above re: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. So, like, there’s that. BDSM is about consent and trust. The bystanders don’t have that foundation of
trust, and they haven’t consented to being part of the scene, so everything
else aside it fundamentally violates the contract implicit in BDSM. If a couple does want to do that sort of public BDSM stuff, that’s what fetish
parties are for, they can pay the necessary money to do it with people who have
agreed and consented to being their audience.
Otherwise, it’s more like catcalling—you
might be getting off on it, but the other people involved just feel creeped out
and vaguely violated.
But here’s
the core of your question: the difference between sexual and sensual behavior.
Okay, so,
sexual behavior is exactly what it says on the tin, it’s about sex. Sensual behavior
is about physical touch and showing affection with no expectation that those
touches lead to sex, it’s about romance. This is where the analogy between BDSM and
queer couples falls apart, because it’s this simple.
Queer couples want to express
romantic affection through hand-holding, hugging, kissing, etc.
BDSM couples want to engage in
something that’s intrinsically for sexual pleasure.
And I don’t
want to hear debate about this, kiddos. I
know that BDSM can be nonsexual, I know that some people find it a deep relief
to let someone else take control or to take control themselves, but that’s not
the kind of BDSM relationship that gets flashily displayed in public. Let me posit a scenario, in which I have a
friend with whom I have a platonic dom/sub arrangement. When they’re under stress, they let me take charge,
and let’s suppose that during one of these agreed-upon scenes we’re going
grocery shopping. I might have an arm
through theirs, or I might hold their hand, while I do most of the talking and
instruct them on what to put in the cart.
Any passerby wouldn’t notice anything unusual there—my friend might be
tired, I might be a chatterbox, we might be doing a grocery run so I can make
dinner, hell, maybe I’m just a bossy person.
That’s not something that engages the public in any way, shape, or form. On the other hand, let’s take the example of
a couple who goes grocery shopping in the same way, but one of them has the
other on a collar and chain. That’s about the exhibition, it’s about the two
of them getting off on being seen to
have that power dynamic and all the trappings.
And that’s about sex. It’s about
being titillated by bringing something that’s normally private into the open.
A pair of
gay men kissing in public? That’s not
about sex. That’s about being
romantically attached. And it’s something
that straight couples get away with all
the time, is the thing here. Whereas
it doesn’t matter if that hypothetical couple with the collar and chain is two
women, a man and a woman, or three tentacle aliens and a grizzly bear, that’s
still about sex and therefore still inappropriate to be pushed onto the public
without consent. It’s not about our
culture having a stigma on choking, which…real fast, let me establish that
there’s a very serious difference between having a stigma on, say, tattoos, as
opposed to something like choking. The reason
we have a cultural stigma about choking is because it’s frequently used to hurt
or kill people. America, at the very
least, could stand to have some stricter stigmas about other things used to
hurt or kill people. Like guns. The reason overt BDSM like what’s described
above is inappropriate in public is because it is sexual and it does
disregard the right of the bystanders to consent to their own sexual experiences.
As long as
we’re on the subject, I want to hit one more thing. I think your ask is talking specifically
about the remark that used to be made about “Well, how am I going to explain
two men kissing to my kids?” And kids
are important here. Because, okay, let’s
suppose a four-year-old is presented with these two situations. The two men kissing is easy. That kid has definitely seen someone kissing their partner before, just tell
them that the two men love each other and kissing someone is a way to show that
you love them. Easy-peasy. However, explaining BDSM to anyone involves a
pretty in-depth discussion of human sexuality, and…like, listen. There is a reason that showing children porn
is considered abuse. By exposing the
public to intense BDSM play, you are also exposing kids to a sexual act,
without their consent or full understanding of what’s going on. And we have
pretty much agreed that pulling that stunt is Wrong.
TL;DR: BDSM
of the variety being discussed here is inherently sexual, whereas queer couples
engaging in affectionate contact is not.
Sex acts require consent, and the general public has not consented to
being part of your BDSM scene. Don’t be
an asshole, and if you really want to carry your power dynamics out of the
bedroom, do it in a way that doesn’t force everyone else to be part of
something they have not agreed to and cannot opt out of. I can do a separate post on that if you’re
interested.
Aaaaaaaaall
righty then. I think that covers everything. I hope you’ve all enjoyed this journey into
good BDSM etiquette and the fine art of consent.
so i was watching cinderella while doing my nails and waiting for them to dry which was clearly a Mistake because now i can’t help but think -
the evil stepmother was always evil, okay. say her abuse of her own daughters was different than that of cinderella’s - but it was still abuse. giving them impossible expectations, telling them they were never good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough. and then she gets married, and anastasia and drizella are ecstatic because this man seems kind and warm and maybe just maybe he can temper their mother, maybe with him around she won’t be so cruel. so they’re on their very best behavior in the beginning, they do just as their mother taught - they trot out their best upper court manners in an attempt to get their new stepfather to like them. but it just comes off as cold and snooty and they’re trying, they are, they’re just bad at it. and they see how he is with cinderella, the smiling girl their own age, and they are jealous. they don’t mean to be, they try not to be, they know it isn’t becoming of young ladies. but she gets hugs and kisses and affection and they get rulers slapped on their hands when they reach for desert and sharp jabs to their sides when they slouch and - soon they hate cinderella, not for anything she’s done, but for what she has and they dont
but then her father dies. and it’s all a tumble of things and cinderella is crying and they’ve lost their only chance at escaping their mother’s clutches and it’s terrible. and everything settles and there’s no reason to be jealous anymore but resentment is hard to let go of and they don’t know what to do. they’re only kids too after all. and they’re so terribly bad at comforting people, they can do flowery words and know all the right bows but cinderella is so sad and they just don’t know what to do with that, because they’re supposed to be sisters but they’re not even friends
and slowly but surely their mother starts abusing cinderella, starts making her a maid in her own home, and she’s their mother, what are anastasia and drizella supposed to do? she rules them with an iron fist, and cinderella doesn’t even like them anyway, it’s none of their business.
except one night anastasia crawls into her sister’s bed in the middle of the night and wakes her up. “i was thirsty,” she explains, eyes wide and shiny, and they’re bad at this with other people but drizella has no problems with pulling anastasia into her arms. the younger girl clutches her sister and continues, “i was thirsty and i went down to the kitchen to get some water and - and cinderella is still up! she’s doing the dishes, and she should be asleep, mom is going to make her make breakfast in the morning and -” she cuts herself off with a hiccup and whispers, “it’s not fair.”
“life isn’t fair,” drizella says, echoing one of their mother’s favorite phrases. but her sister is staring at her with wet eyes, and it’s not like their mother is likely to get up before sunrise anyway, she hates waking up, so she pulls herself and anastasia out of bed and off they go.
the thing you need to realize about localization is that japanese and english are such vastly different languages that a straight translation is always going to be worse than the original script. nuance is going to be lost and, if you give a shit about your job, you should fill the gaps left with equivalent nuance in english. take ff6, my personal favorite localization of all time: in the original japanese cefca was memorable primarily for his manic, childish speaking style - but since english speaking styles arent nearly as expressive, woolsey adapted that by making the localized english kefka much more prone to making outright jokes. cefca/kefka is beloved in both regions as a result - hell, hes even more popular here
yes this
a literal translation is an inaccurate translation.
localization’s job is to create a meaningful experience for a different audience which has a different language and different culture. they translate ideas and concepts, not words and sentences. often this means choosing new ideas that will be more meaningful and contribute to the experience more for a different audience.
There was an example during late Tokugawa period in Japan where the translator translated, "Я люблю Вас” (I love you), to “I could die for you,” while translating
Ася, (
Asya) a novel by Ivan Turgenev. This was because a woman saying, “I love you,” to a man was considered a very hard thing to do in Japanese society.
In a more well-known example,
Natsume Soseki, a great writer who wrote, I am a Cat, had his students translate “I love you,” to “the moon is beautiful [because of] having you beside tonight,” because Japanese men would not say such strong emotions right away. He said that it would be weird and Japanese men would have more elegance.
Both of these are great examples of localization that wasn’t a straight up translation and both of these are valid. I feel like a lot of people forget the nuances in language and culture and how damn hard a translator’s job is and how knowledgeable the person has to be about both cultures. [x]
Important stuff about translation!
Note that you can apply this to your own translations even if they aren’t big pieces of literature or something. Don’t feel bad about not translating word for word. An everyday sentence may sound odd translated literally - it’s okay to edit a little bit so it feels right!
Oh my god, I’m about to go on a ramble, I’m sorry, I can’t help it, the inner translation nerd is coming out. I’m so sorry. The thing is–there is actually no such thing as an accurate translation.
It’s literally an impossible endeavor. Word for word doesn’t cut it. Sense for sense doesn’t cut it, because then you’re potentially missing cool stuff like context and nuance and rhyme and humor. Even localization doesn’t really cut it, because that means you’re prioritizing the audience over the author, and you’re missing out on the original context, and the possibility of bringing something new and exciting to your host language. Foreignization, which aims to replicate the rhythms of the original language, or to use terminology that will be unfamiliar to the target culture–(for example: the first few American-published Harry Potter books domesticated the English, and traded “trousers” for “pants”, and “Mom” for “Mum”. Later on they stopped, and let the American children view such foreignizing words as “snog” and “porridge.”)–also doesn’t cut it, because you risk alienating the target readers, or obscuring meaning.
Another cool example is Dante, and the words written above the gates of hell: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
In the original Italian, that’s Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate. Speranza, like most nouns in latinate languages, has a gender: la. Hope, in Italian, is gendered female. Abandon hope, who is female. Abandon hope, who is a woman. When the original Dante enters hell, searching for Beatrice, he is doomed, subtly, from the start. That’s beautiful, subtle, the kind of delicate poetic move literature nerds gorge themselves on, and you can’t keep it in English. Literally, how do you preserve it? We don’t have a gendered hope. It doesn’t work, can’t work. So how do you compensate? Can you sneak in a reference to Beatrice in a different line? Or do you chalk her up as a loss and move onto the next problem?
You’re always going to miss something–the cool part is that, knowing you’re going to fail, you get to decide how to fail. Ortega y Gasset called this The Misery and Splendor of Translation. Basically, translation is impossible–so why not make it a beautiful failure?
My point is that literary translation is creative writing, full of as many creative decisions as any original poem or short story. It has more limitations, rules, and structures to consider, for sure–but sometimes the best artistic decision is going to be the one that breaks the rules.
My favorite breakdown of this is Le Ton Beau De Marot, a beautiful brick of a translator’s joke, in which the author tries over and over again to create a “perfect” translation of “A une Damoyselle Malade”, an itsy bitsy poem Clement Marot dashed off to his patron’s daughter, who was sick, in 1537.
This is the poem:
Ma mignonne, Je vous donne Le bon jour; Le séjour C’est prison. Guérison Recouvrez, Puis ouvrez Votre porte Et qu’on sorte Vitement, Car Clément Le vous mande. Va, friande De ta bouche, Qui se couche En danger Pour manger Confitures; Si tu dures Trop malade, Couleur fade Tu prendras, Et perdras L’embonpoint. Dieu te doint Santé bonne, Ma mignonne.
Seems simple enough, right? But it’s got a huge host of challenges: the rhyme, the tone, the archaic language (if you’re translating something old, do you want it to sound old in the target language, too? or are you translating not just across language, but across time?)
Le Ton Beau De Marot is a monster of a book that compiles all of Hofstader’s “failed” translations of Ma Mignonne, as well as the “failed” translations of his friends, and his students, and hundreds of strangers who were given the translation challenge (which you can play here, should you like!)
The end result is a hilarious archive of Sweet Damosels, Malingering Ladies, Chickadees, Fairest Friends, and Cutie Pies. It’s the clearest, funniest, best example of what I think is true of all literary translations: that they’re a thing you make up, not a thing you discover. There is no magic bridge between languages, or magic window, or magic vessel to pour the poem from one language to another–translation is always subjective, it’s always individual, it’s always inaccurate, it’s always a failure.
It’s always, in other words, art.
Which, as a translator, I find incredibly reassuring! You’re definitely, one hundred percent absolutely, gonna fuck up. Which means you can’t fuck up. You can take risks! You can experiment! You can do cool stuff like bilingual translations, or footnote translations! You write your own code of honor, your own rules that your translations will hold inviolable, and fuck it if that code doesn’t match everyone else’s*. The translations they hold inviolable are also flawed, are failures at the core, from the King James Bible right on down to No Fear Shakespeare. So have fun! It’s all in your hands, miseries and splendors both.
Speaking as someone who’s fucked around with a couple languages and translating them into English, nothing has ever driven this home as hard as translating the Aeneid, or Terence. One word in Latin can require ten to explain it, or have five possible translations. So if you want to preserve the drama (Aeneid) or the humor (Terence) there’s a lot of creative thinking that has to go into it.
Going off of other tumblr posts about humans being survivor space orcs and humans being loving frienddog pet buddies to other alien ships, what if the ability to attach to things was a trait of earth critters.
As long as a behaviour helps achieve the same end, evolution doesn’t care what the behaviour is. So you get both bats and birds with entirely different structures, methods, and styles to flight for different niche purposes (long distance vs. nimble acrobatics) but they both succeed at flying. The same can happen for social structures and space travel.
For most other life in the universe, social bonding isn’t a thing. You get people that you get well along with or don’t. Property isn’t necessary if it doesn’t have a function, people don’t get attached to objects. People strive to increase their station/power and therefore overall happiness, whatever that means to them, which is what encourages a group of them to work together for efficiency and shared earnings. (For example, that is. There are lots of things that could encourage life to reach spaceflight. Like spite. Or blind chance.)
On earth a few animals have evolved favoritism behaviour. Getting attached to objects, other animals, and ideas for no reason other than they like them. This helps ensure the survival of a group, so it encourages repetition. Humans are the only spacefaring creature that has favourite ROCKS because of this. Imagine having a favourite pebble out of the entire universe full of mineable minerals!
It’s just common sense that if you want to survive, add a human to your crew. Because of the space orc endurance toughness thing, being able to survive things others can’t, and being determined to keep going. Combine that with the happy space dog thing where, essentially, you put a Kirk in with a hundred Spocks. The dog Kirk is the one who’s always happy to explore and meet people and make friends and likes everyone. So if you have a being who enjoys your presence for no material reward AND extends their instincts for survival to things they’ve bonded on, you’ve basically got a big bodyguard for your entire crew. For free. You don’t have to pay it. You just have to say ‘thank you’ when it gifts you useless trinkets it found or made.
So you get these ships, and you can always tell which room is the human’s room. It’s the one full of hoarded junk. There’s sheets and dry film stuck to the walls that it ensures you is coded with dyes to make a message. The message isn’t really important, just nice. The human likes it. The human collects lumps of polycarbons that it tells you represent icons of aesthetic and memory. You don’t understand, because your memory works just fine without a visual reminder, but you learn that apparently there are different kinds of lumps and they mean different things.
The human has clothes it prefers when all its body coverings function about the same. It has days it prefers. It has abstract concepts it prefers. It has noise it prefers, and carries the noise around with it.
How would that affect a creature that prefers nothing? A species that constantly strives for a better station would have ambitions and goals for being transported to higher ranks on better ships. Logically, it would also prefer the smartest, strongest, nicest humans to protect their investments. A creature like that would check the stats on available and working humans for hire and want the best one they can afford.
But if you asked a crew which human they would want to work with? If you give them enough time, they’ll start saying their own.
“But isn’t the one on ship 4-aNui 0.93s faster at achieving the emergency fire plan escape?”
“Yes, but ours likes us more and would be more efficient at helping us, specifically.”
“That’s what humans do. They’ll like anyone they’re introduced to.”
“Yes, but ours likes us.”
“The better one will like you too if you give it enough time. I thought you knew this?”
“But I like it.”
No really I’m pissed as hell, listen to me for a second. I have Thoughts.
Like, sure, okay, it’s a little strange and inconsistent that he’s so skeptical of Aragorn after he was the one to raise him (*grabs Peter Jackson by the ear* ESTEL WAS RAISED AT IMLADRIS), but let’s put that aside for a second.
But the whole Arwen thing. FUCK the whole Arwen thing, tbh.
So, what, Elrond pushes Aragorn into dumping Arwen, and then tricks his daughter into leaving for the Undying Lands.
Um, WHAT.
First and foremost, this makes him a dick in the movies and he’s really…not a dick in the books, so like there’s that. But I have more.
Now, see, here’s a critical thing about Elrond. His whole family except for Arwen and Elladan and Elrohir is gone. His mother was a bird and his father was a star (No. Really.), so anyone could tell you right off the bat he was destined for nothing but tragedy. Which pans out nicely when his mother throws herself into the sea to protect one of the Silmarils (thus the bird thing), but I digress. And then he and his brother Elros were kidnapped, and of course their kidnappers got fond of them eventually and let them go, but…um, yeah. But then his brother and he are free, and all is well, and everything is copacetic–right up until he and his brother are given the choice of Luthien, to either remain immortal Elves or to choose the Fate of Men and die.
And here lies the point. Elrond chooses to be counted among the Elves. Elros, his twin brother, chooses the Fate of Men, and becomes the first High King of Numenor. And Elrond lets him make that choice.
And then there’s Celebrian, the daughter of Galadriel. So Elrond falls in love with her, as you do (and I firmly believe he makes a complete dork of himself because Elrond seems the type), and it’s all good, his parents are long gone (not dead, though) and he’s the Lord of Rivendell so he’s free to marry whomever he wants. He and Celebrian are really legitimately happy for a few years, they have a set of twins (Elladan and Elrohir) and a daughter (Arwen), and then…everything goes entirely predictably to shit. Celebrian gets captured by orcs and tortured horribly, and after her rescue she can’t recover. So she chooses to go into the West where she’ll be able to heal, leaving her husband and her three children behind.
And Elrond lets her make that choice.
So flash forward.
You’re telling me that guy, who is willing to sacrifice his happiness for his loved ones and who knows what it feels like to lose them, is not only going to force his daughter, who he loves, to abandon the people she loves in Middle-Earth, but he’s going to lie to her to do it?
pornhub: the government is doing a bad job of sex education. we’ll do it properly.
public: applause
pornhub: the government is doing a bad job of snow plowing. we’ll do it properly.
public: confused applause
About your Thranduil cartoon commentary, couldn't find if anyone had said so already, so if redundant pls ignore: But Dain II Ironfoot is of the line of Durin, and precedes Gimli in succession. Thorin and Dain share a great-grandfather, Dain I, while Balin, Dwalin, Oin, and Gloin are Dain I's brother's descendants.
Basically: yes, Dain Ironfoot is an Erebor king of the line of Erebor kings, descendant of Durin, this is not questioned by anyone ever. But Dain wants to go back to His Damn Hills out of Thorin’s ex-dragon-infested mountain, but his cousin went and got his entire line killed before Dain could get out of range.
You can bet your ass that the Erebor dwarves are very aware that their king is an Iron Hills dwarf to the core–they love Dain! They do! (So do I!) And he does a great job as king! He leads them successfully for many years!
But they want him to be happy, because they care about him. And they know that he looks up at the inside of his great arching throne room and goes out to the battlements to look down the rock face of the mountain, and he misses his home. There’s a certain tragedy to a homesick king.
The point is that Dain is an Erebor king who longs for a home that isn’t his kingdom, and whose people know it. And that’s not a reflection on his skills or his lineage, merely on the fact that he’s not an EREBOR KING in the way that, say, Thorin (who fought his way back to the Mountain for his entire life) was.
So now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I’d like to point out that there are two ways for Dain’s death in battle to pan out:
He is interred in the stone halls of Erebor, a home not his own, and his son the Stonehelm is reminded, every time he pays homage to his father, that Dain is still not home.
His people, who love the king who fought for them in the throne room all these years and died fighting for them still, make the pilgrimage to bury their king at home.
Donald dumbass signed the wall order today... at least that is what all of my triatwd news sites are saying and I am so angry. I dont know how our country is going to survive. My father is such a big fan of his and whenever I try to say something against him he tells at me and I can't just leave because he pays for my college and he will not allow me to get a job and I am very frustrated.
First of all, it’s been goddamn forever since this came in and I’m really sorry, my inbox ate it.
And…I wish I knew what to tell you, honey. The loud yam is a disaster, both personally and in the sense of a tornado. The country will survive it, but that’s cold comfort to those of us who are looking down the barrel of four years of this.
Just know that you’re not alone, even though I know it probably feels like it sometimes. Especially living in a house with someone who supports him. But there are a lot of us out there, and people are doing things. I’m not going to tell you not to be angry–embrace it, honey. Know that you don’t stand alone in your anger. We are each other’s greatest strength for the next four years.
The reason that people are concerned about vaccines causing autism is because they’re not thinking of the long-term. Here’s the truth: when you are choosing to not having your child vaccinated because you’re afraid of autism, you are actively choosing death over a neurodevelopmental disorder. Let me phrase that in another way – you are either picking autism or death. It doesn’t have to be the death of your child. It can be literally any child. And death is the worst case scenario. Autism is not the worst case scenario. Death is always and will constantly be the worst case scenario.
There are children who are too young to get vaccines. There are kids who have compromised immune systems that cannot get vaccines. Your child getting vaccinated prevents these illnesses from spreading and keeps those children safe. It’s called community immunity and it’s important to maintain that so people don’t die.
tl;dr - Stop being a selfish asshole and get your kids vaccinated. There are worse things in the world than autism.
And before anyone starts coming to my inbox screaming about how “I don’t know how bad autism can be”, I know. Not only do I have a neurodevelopmental disorder, but I also had a friend with a severely autistic brother that could not talk when he was fifteen. I know. And even after witnessing him and being through my own shit, I would still get my kids vaccinated because I want them, and other kids, to live.
WTF, people.
Why the fuck do you think that your fear of autism (ungrounded, btw), beats someone else’s RIGHT TO LIVE?!?!
You don’t want to vaccinate your kid. Goody gumdrops.
You expose your godchild - who’s too young to be vaccinated.
You expose your sister-in-law - who is going through chemo (because having cancer isn’t bad enough), and immunocompromised.
You expose everyone they come in contact with - BECAUSE MEASLES STAYS ACTIVE FOR UP TO TWO HOURS ON SURFACES AND IN THE AIR OF A SPACE.
Number of people killed by symptoms associated with autism diagnoses: 0.
Number of people killed by measles in 2015: 134,000
Number of people killed per annum before vaccination became widespread in 1980: 2,600,000 (paraphrased from WHO).
Measles is not harmless. Researchers noticed that after the measles vaccine came out, kids started dying less from other diseases as well. It turns out that measles suppresses your immune system for YEARS (and no, no amount of vitamin C or zinc is going to make up for that).
Supercarrier: fandom flagship. Everybody and their dog ships it. The fandom is glutted with artwork and fic. You cannot escape this ship.
Dreadnought: massively popular. Nearly everybody ships it. You can, with dedication, in theory, reach the end of the AO3 archive for the ship’s tag, but it’ll take a long time.
Cruiser: pretty popular ship. Not everyone ships it, but everyone knows about it. Has a good amount of fic/art, and probably multiple ask blogs.
Frigate: just plain popular. Feels like it could use more fanworks. New people to the fandom might not know about it, but they’ll stumble across it sooner rather than later.
Gunboat: bit of a rarepair. It might have an ask blog or two. A couple big name fans ship it. Probably only takes a few weeks to get through the entire AO3 backlog, and one new fic gets added during that time.
Tugboat: rarepair. Almost never seen except as a side pairing to a more popular ship. You can usually get through everything on AO3 in a matter of days. You’ve forgotten what it is to be picky about what you read.
Rowboat: less than a dozen people ship it. You all know each other. You exist in an endless cycle of the same five people desperately producing art and fic and one person who constantly contributes headcanons.
Canoe: you are one of maybe three people who ship it, and there’s a not-insignificant chance you’ve never encountered those other two hypothetical shippers. You spend your days paddling furiously in hopes of keeping the ship afloat, dreaming of the day you upgrade to a rowboat so you can finally rest.
Submarine: Quite a few people ship it, but nobody wants to admit to shipping it. Will randomly appear and throw the other ships into confusion.
Pontoon: that random crossover ship with that one black dress character/trope/fandom everyone will ship with everything else. Has the potential to turn into a massive party until someone gets sick and everyone goes home.
Paddleboat: There is you, and the one person you talked into it. There is no one else. Attempting to make progress is very awkward.
“Funny. I don’t recall that I was allowed to do much talking
about it at all.” Tony met his gaze briefly, mouth twisted in an
unhappy frown, angry-looking dark circles under his eyes. His eyes
were dull and tired and Steve fought back the urge to wince. He’d
never wanted to hurt Tony, that had never been the plan, but they’d
been together for three years and things could only be so painless
after that much time.
“Yes, I’m sure. I may be a jerk, but it’s not because I don’t listen.” It was because his superhero secret identity caused him to bail on plans at a bank robbery’s notice and gave him a predisposition to what could be called compulsive lying, but hey.
Sue gave Peter an amused look, but gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “At least you’re self-aware.”
He wrapped his arms around Bilbo and hugged him, and he thought that if he didn’t hug anyone else apart from the hobbit ever again, it would not be a terrible thing. Hugging Bilbo was like coming home. Thorin had lost too many homes; he wanted to keep this one till the end of days.
“How is he, anyway?” says Obi-wan.
“Dude, can’t you use the Force to check?” says Darcy. “Or, you know, you could just ask him.”
“The Force does not work that way,” says Obi-wan, depositing her cup of coffee in front of her with a sniff.
Grantaire lets out a slow breath and
scrubs his hands back through his hair, feeling tangled curls catch at his
fingers and yank at his scalp.
“Okay. I’m going to go take a
shower until I feel less like I’m going to have a panic attack. Help yourself to coffee or whatever’s in the
fridge.”
“Give me your phone,” Éponine
says, and doesn’t move from where she’s sitting in a ball on the floor. Instead she holds out her hand, palm up, with
a stern arch to her eyebrows—like she’s reclaiming something that’s already
hers rather than blatantly
commandeering Grantaire’s personal property.
name | Moran online, although people usually call me Starlight and I’m considering just giving up and switching to that ‘cause it’s nice.
nicknames | I answer to Moran IRL, people also call me R (yes, like Grantaire). Also apparently I am now Vodka Tia Moran, which I am down with.
zodiac sign | LISTEN. I flunk the zodiac. I just do. I am the worst at being a Pisces ever, literally EVER, and have been for my whole life. And before you get clever and think “oh, well, what’s your ascendant/moon/sun/WHATEVER” just trust me, trust your resident ex-cult tia, someone has DONE THAT FIRST and drawn up my WHOLE DAMN CHART and I am The Worst At Zodiacking. So just no. Shhhhh. Let it go.
height | Five-fucking-nothing and salty as hell
orientation | Queer, and yes I’ll fight you
nationality | American and living in fear
favorite fruit | Pomegranates. I will buy, peel, and eat an entire pomegranate for my own damn self and I don’t even care that it takes me forever to peel the damn things.
favorite season | I like all four seasons as long as they’re doing what they’re supposed to. I do NOT like the messy in-between bits.
favorite book | WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT CHEATING QUESTION IS THIS. THERE ARE FOUR BOOKSHELVES IN MY LIVING ROOM ALONE AND FOUR MORE IN MY BEDROOM. TO SAY NOTHING OF EVERY OTHER ROOM IN THE HOUSE.
favorite flower | Roses. Also lilacs.
favorite scent | Earth and asphalt after a rain, roses under hot sunlight, honey and rising bread, the ozone after a lightning bolt.
favorite color | Jewel tones–blood red, royal purple, sapphire blue, satin black. I like colors that commit to something.
favorite animal | Horses and wolves and cats and dogs and snakes and turtles, in no particular order.
coffee, tea, or hot cocoa | Ahaha, me and caffeine don’t get along so great. Either it’s DO ALL THE THINGS or immediate sleep. And I can’t stand coffee well enough to drink it without the advantage of caffeine. Jasmine tea with lots of honey is where it’s at, my dudes. And hot cocoa if it’s cold out.
average sleep hours | …fewer than I should. Maybe five.
cat or dog person | BOTH. But also Charles (HIM BIG) and my own dear beasties demand that, for the moment, I am primarily a dog person.
favorite fictional character | …Jamethiel Priest’s-bane. And Rachel. And Kitsune Yukiko. And everyone on the Enterprise. And Storm and Rogue and–look, we could be here all day.
number of blankets you sleep with | Whatever means I am warm but not physically dying. This number is distinctly different between bedtime and getting up, because my body temperature spikes the second I fall asleep and then I die from heatstroke. (You think I’m joking. I have, in the past, actually given myself heatstroke if I have too many blankets on me while feverish.)
dream trip | OUT OF THE DAMN COUNTRY. Shockingly this is not predicated on the existence of the loud yam, I’ve just never been out of the country. I think it would be really cool to go to Wales, and to do the whole Arthuriana tour of the Celtic Isles, and also to see if I can find out where my family is from in Hungary and go there, and go to Mexico to test out my Spanish in the real world. Also Rome. Always wanted to go to Rome.
blog created | Halfway through sophomore year, so…wow, about two and a half years? Maybe more like three?
number of followers | 525 and I forgot to put up a piece of original writing for 500 because I’m a mess, someone remind me to send around some kind of poll or send in a specific request.
On the one hand: her whole plot of going rogue against what she was designed to be and living her life backward relative to the proper timeline and fighting for what she believes in and being badass and snarky with the hair and the heels and the guns and the rest?  INTO IT.  INTO IT UP TO MY EYEBALLS ANON.  HERE.  FOR.  IT.  HONESTLY KIND OF BITTER I DIDN’T COME UP WITH THE WHOLE ‘LIVING TIME BACKWARD’ THING MYSELF.
On the other hand: A, I don’t like the way the narrative handles her, B, I don’t like the change toward companions needing to be Special, and C, I’ve never been able to get into her and the Doctor as a thing.  This got long.
“A clinic in Ohio recently started screening women for the ground-breaking procedure, which would allow women to transplant their uterus into a woman who doesn’t have one.
The transplant could be conducted on a woman ‘born without a uterus, or who had it removed or have uterine damage’ – this would make trans women eligible for the procedure.
A 26-year-old woman who is undergoing the screening process told The Times: ‘I crave that experience.
‘I want the morning sickness, the backaches, the feet swelling. I want to feel the baby move. That is something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.’
Dr Christine McGinn, a plastic surgeon, told Yahoo News: ‘The human drive to be a mother for a woman is a very serious thing.
I have spring break next week and I am legit terrified because on campus I dont have a scale but at home I do and I dont know how I am going to deal if I become obsessed with trying to watch the numbers drop again. I have spent this whole school year trying to overcome my eating disorder and I haven't been home since August but my dad wants me home for spring break and I dont know what to do. I have the worst anxiety about this and I know it's bad but it is like a habit when I am home.
Okay, sweetie, the first thing I want you to know is that I’m really proud of you for fighting against this. What I always tell people is that free fall is effortless–whether it’s free fall into depression or anxiety or an ED or whatever. Climbing back up is work, and I’m really impressed with how tough you are to apply yourself to that work.
Second of all, everything you’re saying makes complete sense. You’re not crazy, it’s so easy to slip back into a habit, I know it. But the fact that you’re aware enough to recognize the habit, and recognize the threat of slipping back into it, that means you’ve already made incredible progress, sweetie. And I want you to know that you’re not crazy to worry–the human brain really likes its patterns and habits, it’s wired to click back into old ruts and it takes a lot of strength to be wary of that.
So, as far as coping goes, I have a couple of suggestions.
The easiest and most direct would be to get rid of the scale at home if you can. If you feel like you can’t do it yourself, maybe you could ask someone else to come and take it instead. If your dad is aware of your situation, he might be able to help you. Asking will be hard–really hard. But you’ve been really strong to work to recover so far, and if you’re that committed, I believe in your ability to ask.
If that’s not an option, or if that’s not enough–and absolutely no judgement on either of those–it might help to have someone to keep you accountable. Someone to talk to, or message, every day and say “I didn’t check my weight at all” or “I ate three meals today” or “I’m really struggling today” or whatever it is that you feel like you need in order to be supported. If you have a close friend who’s aware of the situation, you might be able to ask them. If not, you can feel absolutely free to message me instead, on or off anon, whichever makes you more at ease.
Finally, I’m going to give you the advice I dole out to everyone I know who’s struggling with a mental illness. Go easy on yourself. Don’t hang yourself out to dry for missing a meal, when that energy could be applied to the next challenge. Have some sympathy for yourself. Be gentle, if you can, and cut yourself some slack. This is hard. This is work. Be willing to acknowledge that, and be aware of how much you’ve accomplished already. If there’s anything I can do for you, honey, don’t be afraid to ask.
Don't do crushes but I have the most enormous squish on you! You seem like a brilliant and passionate person with an incredible creative mind and a lot of love and enthusiasm for a lot of things you are always willing to share. I just think you're neat.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, oh wow, that’s so nice of you, you too are very neat, dear anon.
i mean i dont have a crush on u but ill take this opportunity to say that i admire u bc u r very passionate and i feel u do things and want to do things with ur whole heart. its inspiring.
hello yes i came in here ages ago to talk abt the farseer trilogy but i just realised i didnt mention triggers so off the top of my head: child abuse, child neglect, bullying, alcohol/alcoholism, detailed blood/gore/injury, broken family, violence, drugs, bodily fluids, weapons, illness, poison, animal death, torture, character death, prison/cells, emotional manipulation, rape mention, suicide, murder, homophobia, mental illness, depression, suicidal tendencies, pregnancy.
(2) anyway im sorry i know its out of the blue but a recent post on my dash reminded me to warn for triggers when i rec stuff so here i am. as i said, those were off the top of my head, but feel free to ask after other triggers and ill answer to the best of my ability. cheers!
HATE CRIMES I FORGOT HATE CRIMES (and discrimination and prejudice, but all three kinda come hand in hand i guess)
So this book rec was a while ago, but it was a great book rec and I intend to get these books once I’m done with my thesis (cries in the corner about my thesis), AND ALL Y’ALL SHOULD LOOK INTO IT ALSO.
hello dear i read once that if you just stare at someones nose it looks like you're looking at their eyes so maybe that is useful to you? anyway have a great day
A GOOD TIP, MY DEAR. I’ve perfected the fine art of letting my eyes focus on a point just past someone’s nose because it makes them think I’m Really Focused while I wonder how big a set of unfixed wings would need to be in order to lift a human off the ground.
cant believe a bunch of english kids go through a fuckin cupboard and find a magical kingdom full of wonder and they go “yeah we’re the royal family now”
typical english behaviour
I think what’s more creepily imperialistic is the reaction of everyone in Narnia to the Pevensies.
Like, the Pevensies end up the royal family in large part because everyone’s like ‘it has been prophesied that you will come and rule us and everything will be great!’ and, well, in-universe I can’t really fault them on that; if I were a young teen or pre-teen in a completely foreign country, I too would probably just go along with whatever seem to make people friendly to me.
But the reaction of the Narnians, in almost ubiquitously welcoming these foreigners as obviously destined to rule them even though they know nothing of the country and the culture… now that is some creepily imperialist writing.
This is the only good reblog of this post in it’s entire 3 year hellscape existence
if four foreign kids popped out of a magic box and deposed trump by the express wishes of god’s fursona, i’d crown ‘em. this winter already fuckin feels like it’s lasted 100 years.
why is broccoli seen as this universally hated vegetable. broccoli is delicious
bc suburban families all over the world literally just steam/microwave their vegetables and serve them plain to their kids. No wonder kids hate vegetables. They’re taught that veggies are supposed to taste bad. but imagine: veggies with spices. Veggies in curry. veggies that are broiled, soaked, sautéed. aghhhh veggies are so good
Veggies of color (VOC)
People post good veggie recipes!!! Go!
i’m a vegan/vegetarian chef and yeah people generally don’t… season or… actually think about their vegetables at all? like if you treat your meal like “MEAT + unfortunate side dish i don’t want to eat + dessert” no fucking wonder you’re going to be unhappy with your results?? literally everyone should know how to cook vegetables WELL, because they can be fucking DELICIOUS?
it’s not surprising to me that most people don’t actually… KNOW how to cook vegetables, which is really, really sad. so imma help y’all out.
- grill your fucking vegetables? if you have a grill, or even a little dinky george foreman–grill those bitches. brush them with olive oil–or a mix of olive oil and balsalmic vinegar if you’re fancy, grill, salt, pepper, fresh herbs if you want, BAM. delicious. if you don’t, roasting is your next best option. you can also (if you have a gas stove and are ambitious) “grill” on the stove top. many a time i’ve stuck a sweet pepper on the stove and lit that bitch up!
- braise those bitches??? good for leafy greens and vegetables like turnips and radishes. finely chop some garlic, onion, or scallion (or all three if you’re bold) and sautee them in a little oil. once they’re almost cooked, add your veg. keep it moving, don’t let anything burn, and add a capful of white wine, or cooking wine. DELICIOUS.
- FRESH. HERBS. ARE. YOUR. FRIENDS? if you cannot get fresh (admittedly, i live on a farm, so i’m never short on things like dill, parsley, thyme, scallion, or cilantro) but they’re amazing on fresh veggies. sauteed in them in a pan? add some herbs. roasted them in the oven? add some herbs (and brown sugar if you want a savory sweet vibe)
- roast them in the oven if you don’t have time (or spoons) to stand up next to a hot ass stove for 5-20 minutes! vegetables that are good for roasting are typically ones that take a long time to cook, eggplants, potatoes, carrots, pumpkin, etc. of course, you can roast any veggie you like!
- MARINATE THOSE BITCHES??? literally you can make delicious marinades out of items most of you already have in your homes: honey/brown sugar, salt, soy sauce, sesame oil, etc.
- FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK STOP ADDING EVERYTHING TO THE PAN AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. time out your veggies when sauteeing them for anything. if you’re doing a bunch of different ones, add the veggies to the pan first that take the longest. Making stir fry? put those motherfucking carrots in first, because they take FOREVER. onions, carrots, potatoes? put those in first. corn, broccoli, sweet pepper, zucchini? closer to the end, my dude, because they cook FAST.
- ginger and scallion go excellently in stir fry btw. if when you make your stir fry it tastes like it’s “missing something”, that’s what you’re missing. add that shit.
- you do NOT FUCKING NEED CHICKEN/BEEF STOCK FOR YOUR GODDAMN SOUP IF IT DOESN’T HAVE MEAT IN IT! sautee your veggies first, and you can use either powdered or canned coconut milk as the body. it makes for deliciously creamy soup. don’t worry about the coconut taste–it’s pretty much gone by the time your soup/stew is done cooking. coconut milk (especially powdered, and soy milk works for this too, no vanilla flavoring obviously) makes an excellent base for sauces for veggies, even if you eat meat!
lastly, give it the ol’ ratatouille. smell your herbs and spices together. if they seem like they go well, odds are, they’ll taste bangin’ once you combine them. experiment. everything you make will not be good, but you’ll get more comfortable cooking. i’ve been a chef for like two years and i burned some bread today, so it’s okay. you’ll make mistakes. that’s how you learn. don’t be afraid to cut or burn yourself–the more afraid you are, the more likely it is to happen.
you’re welcome, signed your local angry vegetarian chef who wants people to eat more vegetables
Dude if you sauté broccoli rob with tuna in good olive oil add some salt with a little bit of garlic. Yum. That shit is lit. Extra points if you add some potato up in that shit.
those all sound amazing, but what do you do if all you can afford is frozen or canned veggies? We get fresh onion and peppers and cucumbers, occasionally other things, but most everything else i cook starts frozen. Will these ideas still work or do they need to be altered?
the only thing you can’t do is roast frozen or canned vegetables. because they’re in water most of the time, they get very soft and waterlogged–roasting would turn them into mush. frozen vegetables too. stir fry/plain sauteeing your vegetables are the best options for those. they’re fine in soup too, you just have to be mindful of your cooking time, bc most of those vegetables are already cooked
so like in a soup, you’d cut your cooking time by half, bc… you’re not really cooking your canned/frozen veg. also, always defrost and drain them off before adding it to the pan, you don’t want a bunch of excess water!
also, frozen and canned veggies are very bland and hard to flavor, bc they’re 1. already cooked, and 2. blanched in water so it’s important to add lots of seasoning spices to make sure they’re flavorful! so yeah if you’re getting lots of fresh onion/garlic/scallion, and even if you only have dried herbs, you’ll still be able to make something rlly good
oh and i know you didn’t ask this but i wanna add that when i was low spoon/didn’t have a lot of time for prep that that pre-minced garlic that you can buy is also a good option! one clove is about…. 1-2 teaspoons
Thank you for getting back so quickly! And adding the last bit. I have issues with a lot of prep time between actual available time and adhd issues.
ive been thinking lately about the tng/ds9/voy triad and like, im sure im giving someone in writing the benefit of the doubt, but how perfectly those series reflect and mirror each other philosophically, like 3 sides of the same coin, and its pretty damn good. tng 2 me is exactly summed up by siskos quote of its easy to be a saint in paradise. ds9 itself is about war in all its impersonal brutality and the nasty side of politics and especially of the federation itself, and surviving that. voyager is about being so far removed from it all and still trying to keep up a moral highground - without any outer context to supply it anymore, and no overarching institutional law (read consequence) at all. and that theyre set the same time too. and then you go into it a bit more and you see each independant show bring this up in itself a few times (even if they continue regardless the next episode which is pheh). its just really fucking cool 2 me
like picard is about following the rules even if its wrong. he’ll debate it to the cows come home the writers will go Ah Ah Ah Is This Right? but he will always side with the federation - law - because law is primarily good. ds9 lampshades all of tng by having sisko be forced to do horrible terrible things for the good of federation at large, and how he takes things into his own hands to protect others because he doesnt actually trust the federation at all and for good reason - law is primarily bad. taking the federation away entirely - voyager makes an effort of trying to be about janeway trying to apply irrelevant morals to her crew for stabilitys sake, which in the end the writers dont really do very well as she always sides with federation morals but theres a few where she dont because the law is inapplicable, utterly
and its just like, i dont know, its cool
So…
Picard is Lawful Good, Janeway is Neutral Good, and Sisko is Chaotic Good.
We all know that Hoth was a simmering mess of hormones and stress and I would pay good money for a soap opera about them. Here are some things which Definitely Happened:
There’s a betting pool going on who takes Luke’s virginity. The favourites are Han and Leia, but Wedge Antilles has pretty good odds, and there’s a small contingent of aliens who are convinced it will be Chewie (after all, who could resist that Wookie musk? Headcanon: most alien races consider humans soft and gross. Most alien races find Wookies absurdly attractive. Han Solo isn’t the ladykiller; Chewie is.)
Leia and Han scream at each other in every corner of the base. Everyone is desperate for them to fuck. They do not. The sexual tension is so thick that it could be cut into blocks and sold as wall insulation. More than once they are ‘accidentally’ locked in a supply cupboard in the vain hope that claustrophobia will act as the catalyst that enables their frustration to spark into true love – or at least nasty raunchy cupboard sex. It does not. All that happens is that the offender has legally changed their name to escape the Wrath of Organa.
Someone paints a shirtless Han Solo on their X Wing. Leia is furious. Han is delighted: both at the highly flattering portrait (he has an eight-pack, he is shredded) and at Leia’s fury (you’re jealous princess/no I am not/you’re jealous, hey I can pose like that for you if you –). Hoth’s winter had nothing on the chilly silence that followed that suggestion.
Luke and Leia both have very graphic dreams about Han Solo. Han Solo has very graphic dreams about the twins – individually, together, he’s thirty fucking years old, why is his brain doing this to him.(Later on they will, individually, realise that due to Luke and Leia’s Force-bond they probably created a circle of Han Solo Sex Dreams: Leia had them, so Luke sensed her lust for Han which intensified his own lust for Han, which led to Luke having Han Solo sex dreams, which led to Leia lusting – and so on, and so on. For the sake of their sanity, they never share this revelation which each other.)
Luke is SO COLD. All the time. WHY DOES NO ONE APPRECIATE HOW COLD HE IS. He comes from a desert world. Of course he’s cold! What is all this white stuff? It was pretty for the first fve seconds but holy fucking Force it is so cold it burns and what the hell is going on with that? He bundles himself up in so many layers that he waddles rather than walks. Fearsome Last of the Jedi indeed.
Luke tapes a knife to a cleaning droid (disc-shaped things that swish around the base, sucking up dirt) and names it Stabby. Why, says Leia. Luke, the boy from Tatooine, shining and happy despite everything says why not. Why not indeed. Stabby is very fond of chasing Han. Han wants desperately to shoot the fucking thing– but then he sees big-eyed Luke and sharp-toothed Leia cooing over it and, well. A little bit of light stabbing is nothing, compared to those two smiling.
STABBY THE SPACE ROOMBA!
I am torn between wanting Stabby to be grabbed and evacuated along with the Rebels and make it to the next base, and wanting Stabby to get Vader.
Compromise: shortly after losing the Millennium Falcon, Vader, storming through the Rebel base, is startled to feel a sudden jolt of pain from the artificial sensors on his left leg prosthetic: a sharp sensation on his ankle. Surprised, because he sensed no threat–is the limb malfunctioning?–he looks down, and there is a cleaning droid with a knife taped to it, a little painted-on Rebel lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY written on it.
He stares down at it, completely and utterly taken aback for the first time in over a decade. Fearlessly, it chitters back at him, sounding very triumphant.
He picks it up.
Off in the fractal weirdness of hyperspace, Rebels on several ships are surprised to find an update on Stabby’s kill-update feed, and then thoroughly shocked at the accompanying image: the upward-pointing camera has captured an image of Darth Vader staring down at the droid.
It’s the fastest news ever to travel through the Rebel grapevine, the mix of triumph and loss that is, they are certain, Stabby’s heroic last stand.
Until a day later, when the thing updates again, this time showing an extremely confused Imperial officer. And another, and another, and another, day after day.
They cancel the funeral.
Vader hasn’t done much just for the fun of it in two decades. Watching Imperial officers swear and clutch their ankles as a cleaning drone with a knife taped to it, an Imperial emblem, lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY painted on it, bumps into them and then chatters triumphantly, he’s figured he’s earned.
STABBY FIC! STABBY STARWARS FIC! YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY!
But do they send in a rescue unit to reclaim their most honorable POW?
no, the rebels are all too happy to have vader backing one of their most valuable psychological weapons. stabby’s antics are invaluable for their ability to escalate tension within imperial ranks, and vader’s personal amusement means stabby will get to keep running his miniature interference mission for a long time to come
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS
STABBY LIVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Grand Moff Tarkin limps into Vader’s quarters. Again. “Lord Vader, enough of this.”
“I have altered the droid; pray I do not alter it any further.”
(If there’s one thing young Anakin Skywalker can appreciate, it’s a hot-rodded maintenance droid, c’mon.)
VADER PUTS A LIGHTSABRE ON STABBY
HE CALLS IT HIS APPRENTICE
MY SON WILL NOT TURN TO THE DARKSIDE BUT MY SON’S STABBY SON WILL
Stabby is eventually recovered and given a medal after the defeat of the Emperor, but his poor little chassis is too badly damaged by then to even hold onto the knife anymore. His internal mechanism is removed and upgraded, and then the Master Droid Tech charged with fixing him casts around for a new casing to put him in.
“Hey!” calls a teenaged Poe Dameron, walking into the Droid repair shop. “I got this decommissioned BB-8 chassis they said to bring in here. It needs a new owner. Captain said I can have it if I can find a new mechanism for it.”
The Master Droid Tech looks at Stabby, then at the BB-8 chassis, then back at Stabby. Stabby turns his unsheathed ocular sensor to Poe and beeps adoringly. (This is a common if relatively new reaction to Poe Dameron, who has just graduated from his Awkward Stage.)
“Yeah, I got one for you right here,” the Tech says, grinning.
More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:
Human reactions to fear!
No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.
Like singing.
Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.
Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.
In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.
“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”
OKAY CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCKYOU SHIP A PACKAGE OF COOKIES TO A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NEW JERSEY, ONLY TO HAVE IT NOT GET THERE ON TIME BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN GUAM?
I JUST
GUAM?
IM CRYING REAL TEARS MAH DUDES THE COOKIES ARE IN GUAM
KATIE TRIED TO SEND US COOKIES OUTTA THE GOODNESS OF HER HEART AND JUST
“OHHHH THESE COOKIES WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO NEW JERSEY, PHIL? I THOUGHT YOU SAID
12/27, 8:37PM CT
ITS STILL IN FUCKING GUAM
12/28, 12:18PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE IN HONOLULU GUYS THEY ***FINALLY LEFT GUAM***
12/28, 10:22PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE FINALLY ON THEIR WAY TO NEW JERSEY
also as a bonus visual here’s a rough approximation of these cookies’ journey
how the FUCK did this blow up and get so many notes
SO FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, @homebeccer@phantomrose96@cupcakecreeper AND I WANTED TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD ACTUALLY COST THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO INTENTIONALLY SEND THESE COOKIES FROM TEXAS TO GUAM TO NEW JERSEY AND???????????????
AND
IT’S
IT’S
IT’S NOT AN OPTION IT’S NOT AN OPTION I CAN’T I-
I COULDN’T EVEN HAVE SENT THESE COOKIES TO GUAM EVEN IF I’D HAVE TRIED
Cant believe we uncovered the Guam Cookie glitch folks
Its not even an in-game feature
Oh my god it’s back
H O W
I’ve had this sort of thing happen.
At least it explained why the package took so long to get here.
I appreciate that they have an Entire Stamp for “Missent to Nepal”
No one said “hey let’s stop missending things to Nepal” they just said “let’s make a stamp for this” and called it a day.
I’m gonna get Missent to Guam tattooed on my arm in commemoration.
