• ‘I just whistled for and called for a taxi and you misheard and thought I wolf whistled at you and shouted “Sexy!” so now you’re very pissed and I’m very confused’ au
• ‘You just dissed one of your friends super bad and I burst out laughing (because damn that was clever) and now you all think I’m a creep’ au • ‘A few assholes are giving you shit so I’m pretending to be your friend in hopes that the creeps will leave you alone’ au • ‘You just dropped what you were doing in a crowded subway and shouted “STOP, WAIT A MINUTE” and I’m the only one who shouted “FILL MY CUP, PUT SOME LIQUOR IN IT” in return’ au • ‘I’m a barista at Starbucks and I can never spell your name right, how about you write it down for me and also maybe give me your number?’ au • ‘We both had our eyes set on the last Kit Kat bar in the convenience store but you decided to be a decent person and let me have it but I’m a better person then you so I decided we should share it’ au • ‘I’m forced to sit in your lap because this bus is ridiculously crowded anD CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SMELLING MY NECK, I KNOW I SMELL GOOD BUT YOU’RE STARTING TO FREAK ME OUT’ au • ‘I just heard my neighbor slip and fall in the shower and now I have to go and check if they’re all right (I also might want to see them naked because hot damn they’re gorgeous but that’s not the point)’ au • ‘You’re bilingual and I just witnessed you screaming bloody murder at your friend, constantly switching between four different languages while yelling, and now I’m both terrified and impressed with your powers’ au • ‘You decided to learn a second language for extra credit and the one you choose to learn coincidentally turns out to be my mother language, how about I end your suffering and offer to teach it to you?’ au • ‘Our teacher called on you during class today except you weren’t paying attention so you just responded with the most inhuman shriek ever, and now I can’t stop laughing’ au
Okay so if you’re anything like me you see those lists of au ideas floating around and you like them but when it comes time to write something and you need an idea you have no idea what you tagged them as or if they’re buried somewhere in your likes so….have a list of some of the ones I’ve come across! (updated with more lists on march 8th, 2015)
“i came to the gym to work out but holy god i can’t stop watching you do one armed push ups that’s so hot” au
“this is totally awkward considering before this the only interactions we’ve ever had have been casual nods to each other in the hallway but there’s a huge fucking spider in my bath tub and you seem like the friendly neighbor type please help me” au
“you’re the only delivery person who gets to my house in any semblance of the word fast which is why i keep requesting you but you don’t believe me and tease me constantly about it” au
“okay i get it you’re a great thief and don’t want to go to jail but i’m the exhausted af detective that’s assigned to catch you i stg if you let me bring you in so i can sleep i’ll get you a good deal” au
"okay i get that there are no seats left in this cafe but like i am trying to read here no you cannot have this chair my feet are using it thank you very much please get out of my face now” au
“my parents moved me halfway across the world when we were twelve and before that we were best friends but now i’m back and moving in across the hall from you so hi?” au
“i’ve been travelling a lot and somehow you’re in every single city i go to seriously what the fuck who even are you how are you doing this” au
“we’ve been nothing but friends for our whole lives but then we played seven minutes in heaven on a dare and now i think i might actually be in love with you” au
“ngl i thought you were the weak one of this friend group but your whole life just went to complete shit around you and somehow you’re still acting the same so if you want to be weak you can be around me” au
“my guitarist quit the night before the gig that could mean the big break for a band that i have put my soul into and supposedly you’re really good but i swear to god if you screw this up for me i will hunt you down and slit your throat” au
“it seems we’re the only two people in this class that actually know what the fuck is going on want to team up for this project and ruin everybody’s lives” au
“we started arguing about which hogwarts house this one character would be in and we completely lost track of time and now you’re demanding i take you out to dinner is this a date” au
“i’m the private investigator that was hired by your ex to track you down and you totally caught me sitting outside your apartment in a rental car so hi what up” au
“i came to check out this support group but things have kind of been majorly sucking lately and you were there and i didn’t even know anything was wrong but we’ve known each other for months what gives” au
“i’m the lawyer helping you get custody of your daughter and oops you’re all kinds of adorable with her and also i think she’s growing attached to me is this good or bad” au
“i meant to text the contact one above you in my phone’s contact list for a booty call but i didn’t realize i hit your name until i sent it so now i’m just sitting here feeling those little three dots hardcore judging me” au
“we started dating after months of sexual tension between us but then you moved across the country so now we’re trying to figure out how to make this brand new relationship work long distance” au
“so not to be rude or anything but i’ve been coming to this cemetery at this time on this day every week for fucking years and i’ve always been alone up until now seriously what the hell” au
“it’s the middle of the night and i’m walking home alone in the dark and there’s this guy following me and he’s starting to gain on me and i found this phone booth with a lock on the door and i tried to call my best friend but my hands were shaking so badly i accidentally dialed the wrong number and i don’t even know you but help me” au
I mean, dystopian stories about revolutions and redefining social order in the wake of worldwide catastrophes are cool, but you know what’s #1 on my list of wasted post-apocalyptic plot devices?
This is a thing that exists right now and was created as a safeguard against accidental loss of crop diversity. 700,000+ seed samples from all over the world are stored inside a giant concrete vault in a remote location in permafrost conditions so in case we fuck up everything like we’re probably going to we’ll be able to re-invent agriculture from scratch.
Also it looks like this
and it might as well have FREE PLOT DEVICE TO GOOD HOME written all over it, because can you imagine a bunch of exhausted, discouraged, hungry and injured kids travelling thousands of miles in search of this place they weren’t sure even existed, coming up a frozen slope and finally seeing it
walking through this tunnel in stunned, reverent silence because they’re afraid to let themselves believe this is real
coming inside the actual vault that’s lined floor-to-ceiling with the stuff that’s going to feed what’s left of humanity and jump-start new ecosystems.
If you know about this place and can’t imagine a fantastic post-apocalyptic story of hope and discovery and spiritually-tinted science about the equivalent of present-day millenials pulling the world out of darkness by learning to grow kidney beans
You’re a rebel by accident cause you get really animated when you talk and hit people in the face leading to fights. Now you just roll with it. I know the truth though.
Totally saw you spray paint the principals car and you’ll have to buy me dinner to keep me quiet.
I pretty much live in detention and you’re a straight A student here on your first offense. Wanna add another and skip detention with me?
Every time I get in a fight you patch me up but now I’m the one patching you up after your tripped on thin air.
I’m a super tough punk who hates authority. Your parents are cops who have met me more than once but I like you a lot.
Me and my buddies vandalized your backyard trampling your mini garden in the process. Now I feel really shitty cause you’re really upset about this. Look I’ll help fix it okay just stop with the sad faces.
Accidentally knocked you out when you got caught in the middle of a fist fight between me and this other kid during school. So I sat with you in the nurses office. Shut up! Punks like me have consciouses to you know!
You’re always picking fights and I’m the one who has to use my charm and way with words to stop them from getting out of hand.
You’re a police officer and I’m constantly in and out of holding/jail and we get to know each other well so sometimes you give me my favorite treats when no ones looking.
I’m always fighting and getting in trouble at school so people avoid me. You frequent the small ice cream shop my parents own and know how kind I am to children and elderly people but I don’t realize this.
You give me a piggy back ride (or ride home) after I got out of a brutal fight and can barely stand.
I brought my new kitten to school hold her please while I kick this guys ass.
You drive a massive SUV and steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you’re hot AU
I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU
I’m a busy businessperson and my barista keeps misspelling my name in increasingly disrespectful ways, honestly, who does this person think they are AU
We were both playing wingman for our friends who have now decided to go home together, and after five minutes of conversation we fucking hate each other, let’s bang it out AU
I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it” AU
I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the quirky community bookstore AU
I take my grades very seriously and you’re the lazy asshole who asks a ton of off-topic questions to distract the professor and I might be a foot shorter than you but I swear to god I’ll fight you AU
You tried to barge into a private conversation so I said something devastatingly witty and dismissive but you came back with something even meaner and more clever AU
Shouting match over the last Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery store AU
hades isn’t a badass. hades named his three-headed-guard-of-the-underworld-dog spot. hades whispers to his flowers to make them grow. hades grows fruit. there’s no sun in the underworld.
hades isn’t a badass. stop saying this false thing
In myth, Hades’ most remarked upon traits are 1) how
responsible/reliable he is, 2) how sober-minded he is, 3) how dedicated,
implacable, and long-remembering he is, and 4) how boring and grim
most of the other Olympians think he is to be around. Oh and notably,
that if you play him a song he likes, he’ll basically give you anything
you ask for (though not without conditions.)
Hades is, canonically, a gigantic nerd. If they’d had train sets,
he’d have been the Olympian who collected train sets, meticulously corrected with exacto knife and hobby-paints the errors toy-makers introduced to those train sets, and then endlessly talked about
those train sets to anyone sat next to him at thanksgiving dinner (when
he wasn’t trying to rope them into an interminable discussion about
gardening or divine law, that is.)
He’s the sort of god who frequently handed out punishment like giving
someone a million-piece puzzle where every piece is shaped the same,
that resets itself at the start of every day if you don’t complete it,
and then he keeps the last piece on his person at all times as a secret
private joke for eternity because he finds you personally
distasteful (not even because he’s mad at you or hates you particularly;
he just doesn’t like you as a person)
He is. A. Gigantic. Nerd.
He’s also like one of the only gods who is faithful to his wife. And he listens to her like when she asks for a soul to be released and he’s like “But honey, the rules.” And she just gives him that look and he goes “Yes dear,” and lets the soul go with the easiest freaking instructions ever in a myth. And the human still fucks it up. Not his fault Persephone, not Hades’ fault this time.
Essentially, Hades is sorta like the accountant suburban dad who collects really specific figurines and gets really grumpy when people mess up his lawn. Do you know how hard his wife worked on those roses? He is calling his attorney. Oh wait, he is also an attorney.
