(Title because everyone titles their shit ‘humans are weird’ and telling these posts apart is a pain in the ass!) So, saw a post about aliens not being all that great with human swearing. (Wish I’d saved the damn post!) And my first thought was ‘Ah, yes, good! Go with that! That is awesome!” They pointed out that aliens wouldn’t understand swearing such as “Fuck!” or “Asshole!”. I thought “Motherfucker” would be another great one to add to the list. But what about the more um…inventive swears? For example (these are all ones that I use or have heard used):
Human: “Jesus Christ on a crutch!”
Alien: “Where? And how was your deity hurt? For that matter, how did your deity board the ship?”
Human: “Well fuck me sideways!”
Alien: “I do not think that is anatomically possible for either of us…”
Human: “I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you fine sir are the fucking cactus!”
Alien: “Fucking…cactus? Why would you wish to engage in coitus with a dessert plant? Wouldn’t it hurt?!”
Human: “Son of a biscuit eating bull dog!”
Alien: ?????
(Damnit, now I’m on a roll.) But consider some of these other things. What about human name calling? Like, the original post touched on that a bit with the ‘asshole’ comment. But again, what about the more inventive name calling? Children call each other ‘meanie’, ‘poopoo head’, and ‘meanie head’. Those would be confusing enough. Now picture an alien having to deal with adult name calling. Some of my friends have been known to use the following:
- Twat waffle
- Cunt biscuit
- Shitlet
- Douchebag
- Ass goblin
- Fuckwit
- Ass clown
- Captain Obvious (and their partner, Sergeant Sarcasm)
- Butt Munch
- Fucktard
- Dick face
- Shit nibbler (or nibblet)
- Cheeky dickwaffle
- Pecker head
- Dingleberry
Can you picture an alien reacting to THOSE? And what about colloquialisms? What about those stupid sayings that don’t entirely make sense, but we use them anyway? Like, check out some of these beauties, and just imagine the alien’s glorious confusion over some of these:
Human: “I am dragging so much ass that I am wiping out the tracks behind me!”
Alien: “Human you can’t leave tracks on a spaceship, nor is you posterior currently touching the ground.”
Human: (doesn’t trust some space pirate) “You can shake his hand, but you’ll have to count your fingers afterward.”
Alien: Promptly hides human’s hands, he didn’t know that that space pirate was a finger stealer! Or that finger stealers were a thing! Are their own tentacles close enough to count? Should they be worried? Don’t worry, I will protect your fingers my human!
Human: “We better dock soon, because I’ve got to pee like a motherfucker/ racehorse/ mother racehorse (that last is my families fusion of the two. Dont ask).
Alien: ???? (doesn’t compute) ?????
Human: “I’m so hungry I could eat a (insert large animal or item of choice. Such as ‘Spaceship’)!”
Alien: Races off to warn captain that they need to up the human’s food intake before it eats the ship right out from under them!!!!
Human: “He’s slicker than owl shit!”
Alien: ?????
Human: “I’m busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!”
Alien: Gets migraine trying to picture how a human with one leg could kick anything, much less as a competitor.
Human: “Stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off! Your hair is not on fire!”
Alien: Freezes mid-step to stare at human. “W-what?”
Just picture all of these guys!
(via windbladess)
i love it when youre drinking citrus drinks and you cant feel your tongue and your entire face starts sweating its so cleansing
my doctor said im allergic to citrus
(via ifeelbetterer)
this is why the world is beautiful, maybe its just me but i find this cool as fuck
“Your kid says hi.” -The sun
(via yea-lets-do-this-shit)
why are yall so afraid to double text like ill be out here sending 9 messages in a row buzz buzz another message? its me bitch i just got a lot to say!!
(via unpretty)
[video]
Step one: Show them how much coins you have, on your hand, on earn, on your tongue. Coins are fucking awesome and you friend is gonna be in awe of your ability to produce them.
Step two: Ask them to fight you. If even your bribery doesn’t work, proceed to step tree.
Step tree: Provoke them to fight you. Tease them about their wife death.
Step four: FIGHT THEM! IT’S AMAZING! SHOW THEM THE SHEER UNHOLY FUCKING DELIGHT OF IT!
Step five: Awesome, you made a new friend! Hopefully, he will be back soon from his journey and them you two can fight some more and do coin tricks together.
[video]
So ,I’m a music teacher and every year we have what are called “walk through observations”. Basically, this means that 4 times a year the principal or vice principal comes into my class to assess my teaching. Fine. Sure. No problem.
Well, today I was doing an activity with my 1st graders called “Musical Groceries”. Basically, they make up a fake shopping list and then together we figure out what the rhythm of the words on the list is. To do that, a small group of students plays the beat on the conga drum while the rest of the students move around the room while chanting the word. It sounds weird but it’s a great way for the kids to figure out the relationship between syllables and rhythm.
They quickly get bored of walking the rhythm so I let them come up with their own ways of moving around the room.( skipping, hopping, etc) One student suggested they hop around the room like frogs, way down low to the ground. Okay fine.
Or it was fine until my vice principal walked in to do my observation only to find 20 seven year olds hopping around the room like a hoard of little hob-goblins, rhythmically chanting “BREAD! BREAD! BREAD!” while five other kids played ominous beats in a drum circle.
I have never seen anyone look so confused in my life and I really don’t want to know the rating I got on my observation.
(via skymurdock)
i see your ‘my boyfriend’s pretty cool, but he’s not as cool as me’
and i raise you ‘i’m competent as fuck and it gets my partner hot’
(via primarybufferpanel)