ok so i saw @vicesandvipers daily show au with lams and just had to do an episode for it! I only managed to get the first part but im oddly proud of it so here you go! hope you all enjoy! :D
John takes a deep breath as the countdown to recording ticked down, even with a few years under his belt, it never get less scary. But he loves his job, loves it with an fervor most could only hope for. He is so lucky, especially considering who he had taken over for. Benjamin Franklin was a legend of late night TV for years, and oh the kick he would have gotten over this administration! Washington and his fractured cabinet were something else.
ok but late night talk show host John Laurens who is having a fucking ball poking fun at the washington administration and gets extremely fired up about black lives matter and essentially becomes the smiling, freckled Jon Stewart of late night tv
running jokes in the show include:
• john’s dad think’s he’s a lawyer. shh, nobody tell him
• John Adams Continually Fails To Look Normal In Any Photograph
• george dadington tries to control his administration of arguing five year olds
• alexander hamilton is Literally Still Talking Right Now
• the petition to replace thomas jefferson with a small puppy
• james madison using WebMD at work
• just a simple farmer boy from south carolina
• “more _____ than i have freckles”
• no, angelica schuyler is not yet running for president
• john laurens’ delicate southern sensibilities
and OF COURSE alexander hamilton seeks out any and all mention of himself in mainstream media and gleefully watches just about every episode of john’s show and includes a couple of sly references to it in one of his speeches, and from there it becomes a war of inside jokes and tweeting at each other until finally alex gets interviewed on john’s show and by this point other late night shows are catching on to this, and peggy’s show has an ongoing segment called “Holy Shit, Will You Two Just Kiss and Shut Up Already”
no but after that John and Alex becoming legitimate friends and partners and working together to spread awareness about serious issues (mental health, LGBT+, homeless kids) to the point that john ends up giving a speech at the white house (”In this week’s news: holy shit, i met the president”) and the next running joke on john’s show is that any time alex is brought up, john says “and now to my very good friend, secretary hamilton” complete with suggestive eyebrows
honestly just give me late night tv comedian john laurens
Okay,
so you know what I want to see in the Black Panther movie?
Natasha sparring with one or multiple of T’Challa’s
bodyguards.
Bad guys keep trying to get T’Challa when he’s on diplomatic
trips, but the bad guys keep getting punched in the throat by his bodyguards.
This happens multiple times. The
scene will cut from T’Challa trying to stay awake during a meeting about
embargos or something, to his bodyguards brawling in the parking lot.
T’Challa doesn’t even know there
are bad guys half of the time because that’s how efficient and brutal his
entourage is.
I want at least one Wakandan to watch the news, shake their
head, and say, “What is up with these white people?” But then T’Challa gives
them a really stern look, because he is a righteous and progressive king. I
want the Wakandan to kind of blush and correct themselves with, “Excuse me, I
meant people of European descent.”
Bonus points if this is one of his bodyguards, after seeing
Spiderman doing literally anything.
I want a flashback to Civil War, where T’Challa’s team of
bodyguards are losing their minds. “How do you lose an entire king?!” And the oldest,
wisest, most-done-with-this-shit bodyguard (let’s call her Aunika) just puts on
a pair of shades, and goes, “Where’s the Panther suit? Wow, it’s missing? What
a coincidence.”
She is so done with his shit, she puts a tracking chip under
T’Challa’s skin like he’s a pet labradoodle. And then she puts a tracker on the
suit. And then she puts a tracker on the backup suit he doesn’t think she knows
about. She is too damn old to be running all over the globe trying to protect
this meatball.
And traditionally, the bodyguards aren’t supposed to talk to
anyone except each other and their king, and Aunika is old enough that she
still won’t say anything to the other Avengers. But she will absolutely drag T’Challa’s
ass when they’re alone.
But in, like, a mom way.
T’Challa gets pretty, very young bodyguards, sent from all
over Wakanda, and he’s like, “They’re so smol and precious.” And Aunika is
like, “You’re all literally the same age. Nakia has six inches and thirty
pounds on you.” And T’Challa looks her dead in the face, “So smol. So precious.”
Okay, when Aunika is talking to T’Challa, she is 100%
polite. All the time. But she pulls some wild shit. Like she has new recruits
for the Dora Milaje program prove they can bench press his bodyweight. And they
have to get it right, so he obviously has to be there to get bench pressed. New
recruits have to be able to run a half mile with him in a fireman’s carry, and
in a bridal carry. “Aunika, you never had to do any of this when my father
hired you.” “My king! Are you implying I am just making up new requirements? To
what end? To embarrass you?”
T’Challa goes on an Avenger’s mission and it goes
pear-shaped basically immediately. His bodyguards swoop in, crack the Hydra
base open like an egg, do some quick reconnaissance, pick up the information
the Avengers were supposed to get, and then they wait around. And poor Nakia is
like, “Let’s just grab him and go!” But Aunika is like, “If we rescue him, it’ll
hurt his feelings. We just have to wait for him to get out himself and then we
can act like we just got here, and then we can go.” But Nakia is still like, “Then
why did you tie me to this metal chair?” And Aunika is like, “So he can ‘save’
you.”
Nakia: “Is this because I failed the flight simulator? I can
retake it tomorrow!”
Aunika: “I can’t hear you over the sound of our king
performing a daring rescue. Hello T’Challa. It’s been so long I forgot what you
looked like.”
(That is a dramatic lie. It’s been 24 hours, tops.)
I want Aunika to try to adopt Sam Wilson, to save this sweet
summer child from these white savages. “I mean, these savages of European
Descent.”
Basically, I want 80% of Black Panther to be Serious Plot,
and the other 20% to be his bodyguards dealing with his life decisions.
Even just stick on a few more words at the start or end to clarify
further. I’ve found that if someone mishears you and you repeat the
exact same words, they’re far more likely to continue mishearing the
sentence.
it would suck being a new immortal. like it’d be 2109 and people would go, “what was it like seeing ancient civilizations rise and fall like that? seeing the pyramids being built? watching the expansion and growth of the new world?” and i’d just be like, “no…no i was born in 1991. so like, wow i’m gonna see some cool stuff, but, i mean i’m not that much older than just a really, really old person, you know? phones were big back then. so big. but only for like ten years, then they got like, as good as they are now. uh. rhinos existed. don’t think i ever saw one in person. cool, good talk.”
even worse, imagine being an immortal who keeps missing stuff. “What was it like seeing the pyramids being built?” “Fuck if I know, I was in Madagascar.” “Oh, okay. Well, how was the Renaissance?” “I fell down a hole in Scotland and people thought I was an enchanted well for four hundred years, it was over by the time I convinced someone to get me out.”
“What was it like seeing all the ancient civilizations rise and all that? Like did you watch the pyramids being built?”
“Nah, i was only born in 1991. But you know what i did see? The development of the technology age. When I was a kid, computers were big, bulky, and overheated constantly. Phones were attached to walls by cords and you didn’t know who was calling. If you connected to the Internet it was through your phone line too, so you couldn’t make calls and surf the net. They were just figuring out all that wireless and portability stuff. Cell phones were the coolest things. They had so many different styles and types until they came out with touch screens on phones. Then they kinda stopped coming out with really different styles.
“There was also this thing called a floppy drive. It was the main stage device but it only held a few mb of data. Then CDs. I remember having a 14 mb flashdrive and being cool cause it held so much.”
“What’s a flash drive?”
“… Memory stick. It was a memory stick.”
“When I was young there was a brick a mortar store where you got movies and games. It was like Netflix, Hulu and Steam put together. We called it: Blockbuster.”
“… what the fuck is a … block … buster?”
“It’s just what we called it. And back then, and remember it was over seven hundred years ago, gays couldn’t get married. Having a gay relationship could get you in big trouble.”
“What? You’re making this up. How could a relationship-”
“It just did. They could fire you from your job. They could kick you out onto the street.”
“But, but! You’d die!”
“They didn’t care.”
“… fuck …”
“And there used to be a place called Florida! It’s underwater now but-”
