Seduce me with hilariously awkward stories from your life
Oh have I got one for you.
So, I grew up in a financially strapped household with lots of kids. So we were always buying in bulk. Cheap bulk. It lead to us getting things like this, a 6 lb can of cheap peanut butter:
Now, we’d always had this in the house since a main staple was PB toast, PB sandwich (no J sometimes cause we didn’t have it) and just spoonfuls of PB to help with acid reflux, sore throats, quick snack or just a way to keep 4 hyperactive kids quiet for a few minutes in the same manner of watching a dog lick the roof of it’s mouth for a while after giving it a glob of the PB.
Ever since I was about 6 or 8, I’ve always had a certain urge every time I saw a brand new can of this opened (Which was roughly once every two months) and that was to just shove my whole arm into the can. At that age, it would have easily gone up to my elbow. I don’t know why I felt this urge, but I did. Luckily, I suppressed it….Until I was 14.
I’m 14, home alone after school and making some PB toast for a snack when lo and behold…I get to peel open a brand spanking new can and mar up that perfectly smooth surface. This was a rare occurrence and I wanted to savor it. What would I write in it with the knife for the next person to find? Do I try to carve something into it? Then I remembered my childhood urge of wanting to just shove my arm into it.
I do it. I don’t point my fingers to make it easy, no, it’s open palm hand print with fingers splayed as I shove my hand into a cardboard can full of 6 lbs of PB and it is glorious. I didn’t care that physics dictates that stuff and mass means that PB was being pushed up and out. It was fairly viscous and stuck mostly to my exposed arm. I got almost all of my forearm in this and wiggled my fingers. I pulled my arm out and looked at the massive blob of PB and giggled thinking of the old classic movie “The Blob”. I didn’t use a knife and just rubbed the toast on my PB gauntlet and that’s when I heard it…
A key unlocking the front door.
OH SHIT. I was scrambling to get my hand back in the can to scrape off the mass of peanut butter and clean up this mess. I don’t register the multiple voices until I hear my mom call my name and I look up. She was standing there with her friends that she had invited over looking at her eldest and first born, 14 year old, 3.5 GPA rocking daughter trying to scrape 6 lbs of PB off her arm and into a can.
There was no talking my way out of this or explaining any of it. We stared at each other for what must have been a solid minute before she just guided her friends out of the kitchen and left me to finish cleaning up my mess.
We stopped buying the 6lb cans of peanut butter after that.
Remus Lupin fought alongside Frank and Alice Longbottom in the Order of the Phoenix. He probably knew their fate, how they were tortured into madness and forced to leave their son in the care of his grandmother.
Lupin probably guessed that Neville’s biggest fear would be similar to what he guessed Harry’s would be- Lord Voldemort, or in Neville’s case the death eater who tortured his parents - and was planning on stepping in before Neville faced the boggart so a bunch of 13 year olds wouldn’t see Bellatrix Lestrange cackling and spitting curses in their classroom.
But then Severus Snape insults Neville in front of his class, tries to shame a 13 year old boy in front of a new teacher, and Lupin is so angry. Because he had hoped that after 13 years, now they were adults, maybe Snape had gotten over himself a little and realized that he was a teacher and responsible for these kids, but apparently not. Apparently Snape was still the same petty, angry ,bitter child that he’d been in school, except now he’s bullying children half his age instead of yelling slurs at classmates.
And so Lupin sees the terror in Neville’s face and realizes that, oh my god he fears his potions teacher more than the people responsible for his parents. And Lupin is so indignant and outraged that he KNOWS he has to give this kid some leverage, some way to stand up to his tormentor, and gives that to him. Lupin stands up and tells Neville EXACTLY how to conquer his fear and, moreover, how to do it in front of all his classmates who laughed at him for being scared.
Remus Lupin starting off the school year by letting his students confront their biggest fears, so nothing else they face that year will be as scary. If you can beat your biggest fear, how bad can a test be? Or a big quidditch match? Or being rejected by the girl you ask out?
Remus Lupin truly, deeply, cared about his students. And Snape got him fired.
FCUK THIS IM SCREAMIGN
FUCKING SHIT WHATS THIS MADNESS IM SO HURT
The best thing about the Boggart scene was that Remus finally succeeded in doing in adulthood what he had failed to do in his adolescence - he stood up for a bullied kid and gave him the power he needed at the expense of the bully, even though he had a reason to let the bully’s actions slide.
people’s opinions on book five harry are what make and break a relationship tbh
How people handle different opinions on book five Harry are what make or break a relationship tbh
no. i shouldn’t have to ‘handle’ or tolerate people dismissing the effects of child abuse or post-traumatic stress by labelling them as dramatic or rude. he watched a friend die the previous year, he was close to being murdered by the man who killed his parents, he was being ridiculed by the community for telling the truth. people called him an attention seeker, people he thought were friends didn’t believe his story and he had to go to school with the children of death eaters who stood by as voldemort tried to kill him. he was almost expelled and dismissed from the wizarding world for protecting himself and dudley from a dementor, which the ministry refused to believe. he was essentially tortured by umbridge, being forced to lie about all the horrific things he had experienced. and while all this was happening, he was also being mollycoddled by the order, kept in the dark about plans and blatantly ignored by dumbledore when all he needed was for his pain to be realised. i am not going to tolerate anyone insulting harry during ootp because they cannot understand the effects of abuse, neglect or PTSD.
Especially since child abuse/neglect and depression and losing friends and being publically humiliated for protecting yourself (don’t believe me? two words: victim shaming), et cetera, et cetera, all actually happen in reality. Harry might be a fictional character, but there are plenty of people I know who read that book and went “Hey, I remember screaming at friends because they were just the last fucking straw and I felt bad about it later but at the time I just didn’t know what else to do.” I was one of them, round about the tenth time I read the books. Rereading the books now, after a couple go-rounds on the ‘I was assaulted in public and when I punched the guy in the face/kicked him in the balls the room full of witnesses laughed at me’ ride, I’m still one of them. People’s opinion about book five Harry tells me what their opinion about me three, four, five years ago will be. And believe you me, that can make or break a relationship damn quick, so how about you silencio your ass.
Relatedly, anyone who tells me that I need to stop reading these books as I get older is going to take an Avada Kedavra straight to the fucking face. These books mean something to me.
Or that she was a vibrant, interesting, caring, funny person.
And also an Auror, which is basically a Dark Wizard-catcher which is like the most badass career you can have in the Wizarding World except for, I don’t know, dragon-wrangling probably. She was the last Auror trained by Alastor Moody before he retired and she was actually quite good at her job, btw.
Also her hair was not a fucking mood ring. She was a metamorphmagus, which means that she possessed a rare and special brand of magic that allowed her to change her appearance at will.
Except when she temporarily lost that power while she was suffering through a period of bleak depression in the middle of a war that she had chosen to fight despite the fact that the government, whom she worked for as the youngest and newest Auror at the Ministry, didn’t want to acknowledge and so she risked losing her job (at the least) for her efforts on behalf of the Order but fought for them anyway. This happened after the death of her cousin, Sirius, whom she didn’t really know well because he’d been in Azkaban most of her life but they were both members of the ancient and noble House of Black that had kicked them both out for breaking their pure-blood rules (although in her case it was her mother who had been disowned; she had never been accepted into the family in the first place) and so they probably bonded over that a bit and of course she had been the one dueling her Aunt Bellatrix before, so she was probably a little guilty for not taking her down, too–never mind that Bellatrix Lestrange was on the top-ten list of “most dangerous Dark Wizards” and the mere fact that she survived a fight with her deranged auntie was fucking impressive and it wasn’t her fault that Sirius didn’t. He had also been best friends with the dude she fell in love with, this Remus Lupin guy, a shabby professor with a massive inferiority complex and a case of lycanthropy who rejected her because he was didn’t think he was good enough for her, and to be fair she was risking social ostracization by dating a werewolf but she didn’t care and said as much without hesitation, and the two of them got married just as full-war broke out and then he panicked and ran out on her again when he found out she was pregnant but he came back and she forgave him and they were a happy family for like two seconds before they both died in the last battle against Voldemort and they left their son to be raised by his grandmother, the aforementioned witch who was kicked-out of the Black Family for marrying a muggle-born, a.k.a. Tonks’s dad who had died just a little bit earlier and who they named their son after.
Oh and she was clumsy, like seriously clumsy, like that one glimpse you get of Tonks tripping on her way into the meeting with the Order of the Phoenix at the start of the fifth movie? Yeah that was it, that was Tonks. That was pretty much the only proper moment with her we got. (Even the “don’t call my Nymphadora” bit was botched, ugh.) And the really baffling part is that they cast an actress who pretty much is Tonks and then managed to…not have her be herself? Somehow? Because David Yates is an amazing director. As in, I am constantly amazed by him.
Also she usually had bubblegum pink hair when she was happy–because she liked the color not because she was a fucking mood ring. Just for the record.
harry potter is one of those fandoms i always think i’ve gradually moved on from… but then i’ll hear someone say “you know, i think snape was a great guy” or “all slytherins are evil” and i’ll literally vault over three tables and a small elephant to debate them face-to-face
hi. I’m nor, I’m an agender disabled trans sex worker & for the past few months I’ve been having a really rough time financially. Due to health issues, having to drive long distances to get reasonable trans and otherwise health care, having multiple serious injuries, household & out of household abuse, and pursuing getting a diagnosis for my arthritis & inflammatory physical issues, I havent barely been able to make enough money for survive & I am about $1000 in the red over medical bills, parking tickets, back rent & utilities, among other things. & the fact that I’m selling what I own of any value on eBay is not making any dent in that at all.
i would find a way to live in my car or travel constantly, but it’s extremely important that I stay in my current home and pay rent to both financially and emotionally keep my trans queer family afloat.
it would be tremendously helpful if you could donate (via the PayPal donate button on my blog) even just one dollar. If you can’t do that, it would be really helpful if you could reblog this post. Thanks
Hey so rn I’m at about $370 && it would also be helpful if I could get $150 to help Nicky make her rent this month (we’re sharing a paypal acct)? So that’s 370/1150. Thanks a ton so far for donations & for all yr signal boosting!!
However, I would really like to meet that goal so if anyone could donate like even $1 (& if not like please signal boost if you can), like anything or like if you have money in Amazon gift cards you could send it to me on amazon(inbox me ab that) its rlly easy to turn that into food among a lot of other things (gas, etc).
No one has donated in like 4 or 5 days at least & no one is really reblogging it. I don’t want to be unappreciative, but I rlly rlly need your continued help at the moment.
