wow what a surprise i cannot believe u have requested this
take 3 on the cooking headcanons. U ASKED FOR IT
marco: remember how when
marco was 11 his mum died and his dad fell into a major depressive episode and
marco unofficially became his own sole carer for 2 years? HA good times well
marco knows how to cook. thats how he’s alive. he never viewed the task with
much enthusiasm bc it was just like,, something that needed to be done,, (at
least some of the time. obviously 2 in 5 days it was just m&ms for dinner)
and he’s got all his skills from trial-and-error and from watching the terrible
daytime cooking shows that his dad watches, so he’s not an Artiste™ but his
practical skills are off the wall. he can make a shockingly palatable meal out
of nothing but convenience-store canned items, jake’s lunch leftovers, and
gently-expired condiments. also he is a MASTER when it comes to Secret Kitchen
Tricks (many of which were cannily passed down to him by a forward-thinking eva
before she disappeared). the only person who knows about these talents this is
cassie. one time he called her and she was like “im SORRY marco im distracted
by this bacon disaster, i just put the olive oil in and its all going wrong”
and marco’s like “well duh there’s your first problem. you dont FRY with
OLIVE OIL cassie. thats why it SMOKES. use rice bran oil like the rest of us”
and cassies like ???????? she never tells anyone bc she realises hes lowkey
embarrassed by the fact that he’s developed this as an Adaptive Survival skill,
and when hes a kid he plays it down like nbd, but later on when he gets
older he starts to milk this talent for all it’s worth. hes like hang on…. this
shit is VALUABLE. that’s when his true culinary talents can blossom
jake: u
worded this “who sets pasta on fire regularly” and my response to that is that
one (1) time jake did Not set the pasta on fire and it made marco cry real
tears of joy. listen jake tries So Hard (because, in the spirit of being the
Ultimate Straight Ally Dadfriend and an All Round Decent Fella, he’s lowkey
aware of his existence as a straight white guy and makes well-meaning attempts
to avoid hypermasculinic douchebaggery in domestic life. also he’s probably
that disgustingly wholesome Hey Mom Do You Need Some Help In The Kitchen kind
of kid) but when he tries its just. so bad. oh my god its so bad. he’s only
ever tried like 3 ultra-basic Good Ol Classic American meals and every time he
does its a crime against his culinary heritage. his brownies come out lopsided,, he puts
wildly incorrect ingredient volumes in,, he confuses salt for sugar,, somehow
never manages to stir the cake mix properly,, tries to do taste tests like “i think
it tastes ok??” no it doesnt jake this gravy tastes like toxic waste,, without
fail lets something catch on fire while he’s squinting at the recipe trying to
figure out which step he was up to,,, its a mess. his family suffers through it
nevertheless because they are Heroes. “t-tastess – gre at,, llittleb uddy”
pre-yeerk tom says once, with tears of anguish streaming from his eyes
rachel: terrible
cooking is a berenson gene and if rachel had survived the war marco’s talk show
would have included a nailbiting Reality TV segment where contestants sample a
mystery berenson dish and have to race to identify the Cousin of Origin before
food poisoning sets in. this segment would have been discontinued after the 3rd
hospitalisation and a food safety inquiry. in essence rachel is as terrible as
jake but also worse because the constant failure pisses her off so much that
all of her concoctions are brewed with a terrible bitter malice. Fuck You,
Pasta. You Deserve to Burn. also i think at some point in the series it
mentions taht rachel tried being a vegetarian and i choose to believe this is
true and also that it is the point where things go from worst to worster.
eventually even she has to admit she’s never gonna manage it and resorts to
like. deep-frying entire zucchinis or something
tobias: u
know what?? im gonna say Not Terrible?? tobias is pretty creative and lbr i
doubt his neglectful ass relatives were gonna cook for him. he probably picked
up some stuff from recipe books bc he liked reading through them (listen i cant
cook for shit but even i get a kick out of lookin at food books bc goddamn??
the aesthetic?? plus tobias was a book kid in general so) also if we’re running
with the autistic tobias concept (its Canon, folks) i like the idea that as a
human tobias couldve been hypersensitive esp. to tastes, so he was pretty good
at noticing when two flavours clashed and figuring out what stuff to put
together to avoid that. (obviously he cant do this as a hawk but sometimes he
watches ax’s food choices and the twist of primal horror he experiences is a
comforting reminder that some vestiges of his humanity remain). HOWEVER by the
same token he also doesnt strike me as the sort of Organised Efficient person
who’d be a really productive cooker. i might be self-projecting here but like,,
have u ever tried to string together a series of practical tasks into an organised
sequence while in the kitchen,,, theres like 80 bowls and justt too many
utensils and timers goin off and u forgot to put the herbs in and u ran out of
bench space so u gotta try start washign up at the same time but meanwhile u
gotta Coordinate all the cooking stuff really fast so u dont poison urself or
start a fire and then u lose focus zonin out thinkin about smth else u already
messed up the order of actions sso do u start again or just eat the garbage or
??? look cooking is hard and i feel like tobias gets that. he’s ok at it in
theory but his application is shit. also hes a bird
cassie: id
say she’s not a natural culinary prodigy but with lots of patient practice
she’s become pretty decent. im not sure if its canon but for some reason im
convinced her dad is a really good cook?? meanwhile her mum is approaching
berenson-level bad and DESPISES it. hooooo boy. (she and rachel bond over
this). this means her dad enlists cassie as Head Kitchen Assistant and teaches
her the ropes, and she really quite enjoys it? preparing a meal is simple and
practical and instantly-gratifying in a way thats really calming, and she likes
being able to spend time with her dad. also not to be sappy but one time they
have rachel over for dinner and cassie and her dad are helping each other stir
the pot on the stove while her mum and rachel viciously chop vegetables and
toss carrot tops at them from across the kitchen as a protest against being
relegated to washing-up duty, and afterwards cassie tries to make brownies but burns
them atrociously and they gotta pick through the charred remains to find edible
bits and rachel says “HA who’s top of the Poisons Authority Watchlist now??…
dont answer that” and thats. a really good night. cassie holds on to that. ALSO
after the war cassie pretends she’s a way worse cook than she actually is so
she has an excuse to invite marco over to “”help her”” and get him doing
something different. he never admits that it helps but she knows from
experience it does
ax: HOOO BOY HERE COMES THE WILDCARD. i was torn between
saying “theres an intergalactic petition to establish a restraining order
between ax and Every Kitchen” and “he is a culinary TREASURE” but u know
what?? porque no los dos. ax around food is an unrestrained force of nature. this is a canonical fact. he gathers his flavours from the world around him (literally from the entire world around him, and from under him, and sometimes from the gutter to his left) AND im gonna say that despite his unconventional pantry choices hes actually,, not too bad at making flavours Work. unfortunately since he never has to occupy a human body for longer than 2 hours he has never had to work around the concept of “”food poisoning”” and his talents would have gone to tragic waste,, had marco not stepped in to save the day. with the help of marco’s PRACTICALITY and his handy snippets of earth advice like “the alfoil is a
UTENSIL not an INGREDIENT what the FUCK AX how are u even CHEWING THAT” ax’s raw talent is skilfully tamed. together they are
unstoppable. They take out several team cooking shows on network tv,
once because ax famously used the kitchen’s set props as a garnish. Ax probably
briefly invests in a popup restaurant for the fun of it and meets with roaring
critical success before it is gently shut down by the well-meaning and
highly-entertained food safety authorities, on account of his questionable
ingredient choices. Notable exchanges in the restaurant’s brief and
spectacular history include the food connoisseur who located ax personally to
implore “what is this…. subtle twist of flavour? the acidic flare that tingles
in the throat and warms the belly to its deepest crevice? please aximili, u
must reveal what mystery ingredient is responsible for this luxuriant gustatory
sensation” “its helicopter fuel”
