Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

eggheademporium:

eggheademporium:

eggheademporium:

writing-prompt-s:

All the gods of myth and legend are real, but having your prayers answered depends on discovering which god can hear you. You figured out which god is listening to your prayers, but they’re not what you expected.

Suzy was dissapointed. Most people her age had discovered their deity so far, and she was starting to think she was godless. She turned the next page of McBayers’ Little Book of Deities, and tried reading their names aloud to see if she’d get a reaction. It had taken her weeks just to get through Chinese spirits and deities, and had finally reached the first page of Egyptian Gods and you.

“Ammit? Amun? Anhur?” Nothing. Her heart slowly sank again. Three more tries, and she’d stop for now.

“Anubis?”

The ground shook. The lights in Suzy’s room flickered and went out. A single flame hovered in the middle of the room, and as it grew to a blaze it changed form. Within the blink of an eye, there was a tall figure standing in Suzy’s room. The body of a man, and the head of a jackal. His eyes shone bright as he peered at her.

WHAT IS IT, SUZY OF THE HOUSE MILLER?

“You’re the deity that answers my prayers?”

INDEED. I, ANUBIS, WHO RULES OVER THE LAND OF THE DEAD, IS HERE TO ANSWER YOUR REQUESTS.

Suzy thought for a moment. “O great and mighty Anubis who rules over the afterlife, can I please have a puppy?”

Anubis seemed taken aback.

IN THE CENTURIES THAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYED TO, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN REQUESTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS. CHILD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

“I’m eight and a half. My mommy says that if I can take care of a puppy, I can keep it.”

ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU DO NOT WISH FOR ME TO BRING PLAGUES UPON YOUR ENEMIES OR WEIGH A SOUL FOR YOU?

Suzy shook her head. “I want a puppy.”

CHILD, IN TRUTH THIS WISH I CANNOT GRANT. MY JOB HAS BEEN TO BRING PEACE AND LEAD SOULS INTO THE AFTERLIFE, NOTHING MORE. IF I WERE TO CREATE A HOUND FOR YOU, IT WOULD BE FORMED OF BONE AND SOUL ALONE.

Suzy thought for a second. She would have liked to have a nice fluffy puppy, but then she remembered how Aunt Marge’s Sphinx cat was still nice, even without fur.

“No fur is fine, as long as they don’t bite and make a mess.”

Anubis nodded, and raised a hand. Underneath his palm an intricate symbol appeared on the floor. It glowed bright, and the floorboards burst apart. Up sprang a massive skeletal dog, bigger than suzy herself. Its eye sockets held blue flame, and its jaw hang partly open in a perpetual grin. It slowly walked over to Suzy and nuzzled her.

“What does it eat?”

IT WILL NOT NEED SUSTENANCE, AND WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO SERVE ITS NEW MASTER. I HOPE THIS WILL SUFFICE.”

“I love it. Thank you, Anubis.”

Anubis looked slightly taken aback, but nodded peacefully.

FAREWELL FOR NOW, SUZY OF THE MILLERS. IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE BUT TO ASK ME.

Suzy nodded, and ran over to her parents’ room to show them her new dog. She was pretty sure they couldn’t object to this pet.

A part 2,since this got some people interested.

Keep reading

Part 3, due to popular request. 

---

Keep reading

(via haredrier)

Someone please draw me Damen of Akeilos as a big easygoing mastiff who’s all muscle and cheerful friendly affection until you piss him off (mastiffs were bred to hunt BEARS), with Laurent as the sleek silver cat who rides around on his back looking imperious and disdainful and likes to remind people that housecats are pound for pound one of the most lethal predators around.

roachpatrol:

comedowntheroad:

raptorific:

I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true

@unpretty

“Hey, that— that guy, in the corner, is that— is that Superman?” 

Clark looks up from his computer at the new intern. “Oh, no,” he says. “You caught me.”

“Clark, you pull this shit every time, man,” his desk neighbor Steve says. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No, the kid’s right, I’m Superman,” Clark says. He gets out of his seat and cracks his back out. “I guess we’re gonna have a superhero fight.”

“Clark, sit back down.”

“Nope. Superhero fight.”

“Clark if you don’t sit the hell back down and finish your article by lunch I am going to tell Perry on you.”

Clark points at the intern. “You get off easy this time, buddy,” he says, and sits back down. 

“So…” the intern says, very lost. “Uh…”

“That’s Clark,” a slightly older and more experienced intern says. “He’s Superman’s asshole twin.”

(via windbladess)

ceeblathers:

ceeblathers:

I absolutely adore discovering what different people find hilarious with Cards Against Humanity because you’ll have someone who won’t even flinch when a card like “bees?” or “Boris the Soviet Love Hammer” is played but in the next second they’re crying from laughing at  "this is your pilot speaking fasten your seat belts and prepare for clams“

do yourselves a huge favor today and go through the notes/tags on this post because some of the card combinations people are bringing up are out of this goddamn world 

(via skymurdock)

Humans Are Weird

human-aliens-collection:

nullcast:

notanightlight:

eight-times-nine:

leaper182:

radioactivepeasant:

arafaelkestra:

arcticfoxbear:

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving. 

To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.

Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts

Alien species stare at us openly when we talk about what conditions are like on Earth.

“… you need to leave that planet. Now. You’re not safe there.”

“Your planet is the most hostile planet in the entire sector.”
“What?”
“Your planet’s extreme atmospheric disturbances, rapid temperature fluctuations, and hostile wildlife… It’s a miracle you survived.”
“Oh, so like Australia?”
“What is… Australia?”
“A place on Earth.”
“You have a terrestrial equivalent to your planet on your planet itself? Surely something so terrible cannot exist!”
“It’s an alright place, mate; I live there.”
“[faints]”

Stories circulate throughout the Intergalactic Confederation of a Floreevian settler who was separated from their team while out gathering specimens. Without their communication module or maps they soon became hopelessly lost. They wandered for days on end, searching for any signs of the Floreevian camp, the risk of death by exposure an ever growing concern.

Then one day, there occurred a horrifying event: solidified precipitation. They knew for certain they had entered the Uninhabitable Zone of Kel III. They tried to run back the way they came, but the precipitation fall extended far beyond their current position and the extreme pain of unprotected dermal contact with solidified water particles was debilitating.

They had given up all hope of survival when they were suddenly covered by a protective textile, they were completely wrapped in it before being picked up and carried to an unfamiliar shelter.

Once inside, they learned that a human had found them. There was a human settlement in the area and, and several others even further in the uninhabitable zone.

They asked the human why he would choose to live in such an extreme place, and he said that it reminded him of home. The human let the Floreevian warm up inside his shelter as he went back into the elements to retrieve his young.

Reportedly, they had gone outside when the solidified precipitation began to fall to attempt to catch particulates on their tongues.

After spending several days recovering in the human shelter, the Floreevian was able to use the human’s communication module to contact the Floreevian camp. Once the camp’s location had been established, the human transported them back to their camp in his own personal transportation unit, despite the increased danger of the terrain.

Thanks to the human, the Floreevian survived an otherwise deadly situation.

And the number of similar such stories of rescue through human intervention only increases as exploration extends to more potentially hostile planets.

I think a lot of the HFY stuff gets a little into the chest thumping “humanity are warriors grrrr!” camp.  But even on Earth humans are a little weird in where we spent our attribute points.  One of the big ways being running upright, which turns out to be really efficient if you’ve got the majority of your musculature geared toward keeping you from toppling over.  Like humans may not be all that fast but if in shape we can run some crazy distances if we pace ourselves.  Just imagine an alien hearing about marathons:

“To use your turn of phrase bull-shit Chris!  You’re telling me you have foot races that run for, what is that, the width of a small city?  I know you’ve got endurance but that’s a little arrogant even for you.”

“Nonono!  I’ve never really done a marathon, that takes dedication.  I just did 5ks.”

“The k being…”

“Kilo…meters.”

“Remind me never to get chased by you.”

Back to the “your planet isn’t safe” i can see one scientist whose passion is planets going “Uhm. One of the other planets in our system include one that rains literal acid. Earth isn’t that bad guys.”

overthinkingfunandprofit:

Solas: I am… concerned about the Inquisitor.

Cassandra: Why is that?

Solas: Yesterday after she finished her discussion with Leliana she… Instead of using the stairs she hurled herself from the top of the tower down onto my desk. Then picked herself up and addressed me as if nothing odd had occurred.

Blackwall: She does it from the battlements as well. Just last week I was strolling by the stables when a dwarf in hundred pound armor came streaking down from the sky like a bloody meteor. Left a dent in the sod. She stood there shuddering for a second and then stood up, grinned, and asked me how I felt about Cullen’s leadership.

Varric: The other day I caught her staring down a cliff in the Storm Coast. I pointed out that there was a path nearby, but she just said, “Nah, I’ve got enough guard for this.” And flung herself off. 

Cassandra: I… I was not aware.

Inquisitor: *Lands in a thunderous heap a few feet away* Hey guys, I saw you from the east tower and wondered what the party was all about! What’s everybody talking about?

(via lathori)