a cute girl casually came out to me the other day and I handled it so gracelessly that I might as well have just stuck my entire foot in my mouth instead
anyway we’re dating now and the first time she kissed me I said “thanks for that, I appreciate it” because I have no idea how to function
I proposed to her twice (with & without a ring, the first time it was without a ring because I was worried she was gonna propose first) and she cried both times
concept: a retelling of hamlet with the frame story that it’s a tabletop rpg being played by a bunch of overzealous college kids and an increasingly frazzled dm trying to keep them all from rushing headlong into situations and dying immediately. horatio is the dm’s vaguely self-insert npc character. thanks
“AND THEN HE GETS KIDNAPPED BY PIRATES”
“um…dude…you can’t just–”
“PIRATES”
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are played by the same player, who keeps forgetting that he’s running two separate characters.
“The ghost awaits a response”
“Horatio, you went to college, you talk to it.”
—–
“You find the skull of the old court jester.”
“I’m going to talk to it until someone stops me.”
“Horatio, you went to college, you stop him.”
—–
“I stab the curtain!”
“Polonius, roll for fortitude.”
——
“I search for a nunnery in the moat”
*sigh* “Seaweed wraps around your leg. Roll for dexterity escape”
—–
“We all drink to Hamlet’s victory.”
“Everyone roll for fortitude.”
*groans amid the sound of rolling dice*
—–
“Sorry I’m late, everyone. Can my Prince of Finland character just show up?”
Let your vagina breathe - don’t wear underwear to bed unless you’re on your period.
Change your pad/tampon/etc at least twice a day.
Don’t wash up inside your vagina (aka douching) it will tip the pH balance in your vagina and you will end up with an infection, you can wash around your thighs/pubic area but that’s it, same applies with perfumes and other body cosmetics.
Use coconut oil its good for so many things!!
Use body butters after getting out of the shower.
Use tea-tree oil for pimples.
Use sunscreen!!!
For people with oily skin - use blotting paper around your eyes and in your T - zone.
Don’t squeeze/pick at pimples - the bacteria on your hands will only make them worse and will create more redness.
Always use moisturiser before applying makeup
When washing your vagina, lift up the clitoral hood and softly rub your finger along the hood to wipe away dead skin cells. If you end up masturbating, fuck it.
Hair:
Wash your hair every 2-3 days. Don’t wash every day because it will make your head dry, try dry shampoos instead.
Use conditioning treatments weekly in the summer to prevent your hair from losing it’s colour.
Brush your curls with your fingers to create a more tousled look.
Before blow drying your hair use volumizing spray or gel on your roots for more definition in your hair.
Use shampoos that are sulfate free as sulfates dry and damage your hair quicker.
If your hair is greasy avoid conditioning the roots, just the ends.
Trim your hair every 6-8 weeks so you have healthy hair and no damaged ends.
Use avacado oil on your hair in the winter to stop your hair from drying out.
Dry shampoo is also very good for volumizing your hair.
The best way to get rid of ingrown hair is to exfoliate.
Avoid dry shaving your pubes, this will cause redness and spots which are easily treated with hydrocortisone cream or aloe vera.
If you are to shave, use conditioner instead of shaving cream - you will get a smoother result - that goes for anywhere you shave.
If you have a big ole mess in your pants try trimming your bush before you shave/wax it.
Waxing HURTS so if you’re dealing with the burns then place a cold towel in the sore area and leave it for about 15 minutes and then apply aloe.
If you experience chest/breast hair the best thing to do is pluck the hairs, it’s painful but rewarding.
Makeup:
Clean your makeup brushes, regularly along with any other makeup appliances (beauty blenders, makeup pads) in a mix of warm water and a little bit of soap.
Use a blotting tissue and then add a small amout of cream concealer onto your eye makeup to prevent smudging.
Matte lipstick goes best with a shimmer eye makeup.
Wearing white eyeliner counteracts the redness in your eyes.
To make your cheekbones appear higher, use bronzer under the cheekbone and highlighter on the actual cheekbone.
In summer if you want to avoid caking yourself with foundation - use tinted moisturiser or BB cream instead.
Always wash your makeup off before going to bed, don’t leave it on.
Always make sure you blend your foundation so your neck isn’t a different colour to your face.
Clean your makeup bag out every once in a while and get rid of any products you don’t use - its cleaner, tidier and more hygienic.
Always make sure you have tape and q-tips handy. Tape is great for a perfect winged eyeliner and q-tips are great for cleaning and tidying up those hard to reach areas.
Concealer works great for a base for your eye makeup as the makeup will stick to it.
Using highlighter and illuminators on your cheekbones, browbone and cupid’s bow for a “dewy look”.
When using cream products like eyeshadow or blush - use translucent powder to set it in place.
Kat Von-D lipstick is blow job proof :)
Replace mascara and eyeliners every 3 months or so.
Don’t share makeup/appliances for your eyes, it may cause infections like conjunctivitis and maybe a sty.
Blot your lips after applying lipstick to avoid getting lipstick teeth.
General:
Change your bra every 5-11 days.
Always make sure your feet are dry before putting on socks and shoes to prevent fungal infections.
Wash blood stained clothes in cold water with 2 tablespoons of salt.
Try your own homemade beauty recipes.
If you peel/lick your lips it will damage them, don’t do that.
Applying eye cream on the cuticles of your nails will make them stronger and healthier.
Always carry tampons/pads even when you’re not on your period, someone else might need them.
Clean out your purse!! Get rid of all that junk and you will thank yourself next time you’re looking for something.
Masturbate. Whenever you can, it’s rewarding and good for you. (yes girls masturbate too).
Always pee after sex/masturbation to help avoid getting a UTI.
Bio-oil is good for stretch marks (as well as loving them).
Save some nice underwear for yourself and just wear your dead old pants when you’re on your period.
Buy yourself some nice underwear/lingerie whenever you can. Make sure it’s 100% cotton though otherwise you can get a yeast infection.
Test yourself every once in a while for STDs. It’s necessary.
Carry a condom on you, it’s not just the guy’s responsibility.
Apply a damp tissue to blotchy, red skin after crying, it will make you look as if you haven’t been crying at all.
Don’t let boys ruin your day.
Use a paperclip to clip the back of your bra straps together to create a racerback bra.
Wrap a maxi pad or pantyliner around any poking underwires in your bra.
Wash your pillow case every 1-2 weeks to help prevent acne.
Cucumbers are good for dark circles and puffy eyes just place a slice over your eyes and leave for about 15 minutes.
treat and love yourself and your body will reward you!!!
