things english speakers know, but don’t know we know.
WOAH WHAT?
THIS IS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE THING.
MY DAD SENT ME THIS ARTICLE IN AN EMAIL AND I SPENT TWENTY MINUTES REARRANGING THAT SENTENCE AND GIGGLING.
NO REALLY TRY IT.
if luke and leia were born during the clone wars
like, during season 4, not after when everything went terribly wrong
- Padme, 6-9 months pregnant, rushes into combat all the time. Anakin has an aneurysm. “YOU ARE A SENATOR. HOW DO YOU GET SHOT AT ALL THE TIME???” and yet she never actually takes damage because she is ~flawless~
- officially, Padme’s children have no father. In an interview with the press, she said “I wanted a baby, so I acquired one” and that’s that. unofficially, anyone with the Force knows Anakin is the father. Honestly, anyone with eyes knows Anakin is the father.
- because you know how Anakin and Padme are the least subtle secret couple? Yeah, that goes out the window when she gets pregnant. Anakin kisses her mid-battle and smooches her back at camp and watches her with stars in his eyes and professes his love for her all the time. When Padme asks about this, he just shrugs and says “well they haven’t kicked me out of the order yet!”
- which is mostly because of Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan is deliberately pretending he didn’t see his former padawan makeout with a senator. it’s like, okay, he knows he’s supposed to do something about this, but they are in the middle of a war, and if they have to kick Anakin out of the Order right now for knocking up a senator then they will lose this war. Obi-Wan has more important things to worry about than Anakin’s libido.
- KIX 👐 TELLS 👐 PADME 👐 THERE 👐 ARE 👐 TWIN 👐 BABIES 👐 IN 👐 THERE 👐
- speaking of the clones, oh man, they are so fiercely protective of Padme. She is their general’s lady and their senator and they would gladly die before letting her or her babies get hurt.
- (but also, preggars Padme makes them sad, because will any of them ever get that for themselves? probably not–they were made to die, and with the rapid aging…but maybe one day…)
- Rex has absolutely had to go get weird food combinations in the middle of the night for his general’s wife. absolutely. that is in Rex’s job description.
- also you thought Padme gave effective speeches before? Imagine pregnant Padme giving speeches about needing to end the war for peace for the future. 110% approval rating comes from soft pregnancy glow.
- the twins are born on a battlefield in a camp where there’s blasterfire and smoke not two feet away. Obi-Wan is there, and he intends to tell Anakin and Padme both that he’s sorry, that they’ll get the twins for a little while, but they’ll have to go to the temple, they’ll have to be raised in the creche–
- but then luke is born, and the Force screams at Obi-Wan this is your padawan and obi-wan goes “oh” softly.
- also, Leia comes into the world and Ahsoka watches and goes “oh look it’s my padawan. I mean I’m a padawan myself but that girl is going to be my padawan some day this is rad.”
- so Anakin relaxes a bit, ‘cause the Force is going to take care of its grandchildren okay, it wants it’s favorite son to be happy.
- which means Palpatine has lost any and all chance of converting Anakin to the dark side. It will never happen now.
- i’m not saying that after they are born, Anakin and Padme strap a twin each to their back and then head out into battle, but Luke and Leia’s first lullaby is the sound of blasterfire and lightsabers
(via windbladess)
This past weekend, several friends and I got to talking about the King Arthur police precedural that Fox is allegedly developing. I only mention this because over the course of this conversation we realized that the ONLY modern-King-Arthur television show that Fox should really be developing is a hilarious reincarnation-based office sitcom, and now I can’t stop thinking about it, so I am going to tell you all about this imaginary sitcom in EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.
My imaginary workplace sitcom is about a struggling nonprofit organization and is probably written by the people who wrote Parks and Rec and Brooklyn 99. Accordingly, it stars Retta and Melissa Fumero:as Alice and Pam, OFFICE NEMESIS battling nonprofit burnout! and each other!
….UNTIL, in the first episode, they start having flashbacks and eventually realize: they are the reincarnations of, respectively, King Arthur and Lancelot, they are destined to fight evil while being devoted to each other in an epic and legendary way, and weekly budget meetings just got really weird!
Every episode alternates between flashbacks to Round Table efforts to fight evil, provide justice, build a better and more stable society, etc., and current-day office hijinks as the nonprofit attempts to do the same, but with much more paperwork.
As a sidenote, all the flashbacks initially have placeholder white guy actors doing ye olde British accents and speaking forsoothly, except for the person having the flashback, who plays themselves. Once Alice and Pam recognize each other at the end of the first episode, however, every flashback features Retta and Melissa Fumero talking exactly like they would in the office while wearing shining armor.
The rest of the placeholder actors gradually get replaced by actual cast members as further reincarnation reveals occur,
including:
- Donald Glover as the reincarnation of Sir Gawain, ladies’ man and too-cool-for-school tech bro, who’s the only person who knows how to keep the website running!
- Rahul Kohli as the noble reincarnation of King Pellinore, the development manager who is constantly questing after very worthy but COMPLETELY UNATTAINABLE grants!
- Yael Grobglas as the reincarnation of Sir Kay, the long-suffering and sarcastic office business manager who must always be the one to point out they don’t have enough money for their pet project!
- Sandra Oh as the director’s PA, the only person who knows where everything is and keeps the office running and everybody from murdering each other; she of course turns out to be Guinevere!
- and, of course, Jaime Camil as Merlin, the director of the nonprofit, who has been gathering all the Round Table reincarnations together for world-saving purposes all this while!
Merlin is not reincarnated, for the record. Merlin is just Merlin. This is why Merlin is very good at magic and WILDLY INCOMPETENT at being the director of a nonprofit organization.
Sample episodes include:
- the episode where everyone is rushing to meet a grant deadline, with flashbacks to PREPARING FOR BATTLE AGAINST THE ROMANS
- the team retreat episode in which Merlin insists everybody do trust falls; in flashbacks, Merlin also insists everybody do trust falls
- the episode in which Donald Glover has to go through ludicrous hoops to install a new open-source software, intercut with the story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
- the mid-season love triangle episode, in which a.) the reveal of who is Guinevere, b.) the reveal that Lancelot and Arthur were way more than good buddies, and c.) THE MOST AWKWARD OFFICE MEETINGS YET, FOR EVERYONE
ok so who wants to fund my sitcom now
I NEED TEN SEASONS IMMEDIATELY
(via allgreymatters)
i really want steve, when asked in an interview or something about what he’s going to do now, responding “maybe i’ll go to college, i’m only thirty one, i’ve got plenty of time to work it out”
and the reporter just. staring at him like he’s grown another head
so steve repeats, “i’m thirty one, by my count.” he doesn’t mention the whole not aging thing. doesn’t want to blow their minds any more. “I was twenty six when i boarded the valkyrie.”
“thirty one” the reporter repeats. “you had the fate of the entire world on your shoulders and you were younger than me when i got married.”
and steve just nods. “i’m guessing you don’t want to hear how much tactical experience i actually had before the battle of new york, huh,” and the reporter flips their shit
(Source: spacebuck, via windbladess)
(Source: NPR, via windbladess)
Okay but to build on my previous space ideas - there is no good reason why aliens from different planets would all be similar sizes. Imagine 6″ tall aliens being in the general vicinity of lots of other alien worlds but never bothering to get spaceflight together to meet them bc they’d just get stepped on
But they still GalaxySkype with them all the time and do friendly knowledge transfers, and the Smols are very friendly and happy to upload info on all the unique flora on their homeworld
And some Larges discover that the Smols are having problems because there’s not much of some certain element on their planet and they’re running out and… “a lot” to them is so little, the Larges offer to send over like a storage pod’s worth and the Smols are like “:OOO WE CANNOT AFFORD”
The Larges would be like “no no it is okay, it is not much to us. It can maybe be written off on our Space Taxes? Do not worry about it”
And the Larges insist on sending the storage pod to a large flat area like half a day’s travel outside of the nearest Smol city because they are so worried that if they did their landing calculations wrong they will incite a small quake that will cause tiny buildings to topple
The Smols trek out and are overjoyed at the enormous metal box full of conveniently-small bars of metal. They empty it out and transform it into a multi-level museum dedicated to interplanetary unity and their special friends the Larges. They take and send pictures of tiny Smols in school groups wandering through the halls and learning about the nice space giants that made their prosthetic tentacles possible
(via wildehacked)
You know, in all those “humans are the creepy/fucked up alien species” posts I can’t believe we haven’t touched on organ donation yet.
When they heard that the human general had fallen ill to a disease of the organ known as the liver the troops began to hope that it might turn the tide of the war. Research indicated that such diseases could be fatal after all. The organ did something similar to the flagulaxin in that it filtered out toxins so when it stopped functioning the human would slowly be poisoned to death by his own body. Or so they believed.
But then he came back.
A foot soldier was captured and answers demanded. Was it a medication? Had the sickeness been a ruse to fool them?
“Nah, man. This kid on a motorcycle wiped out on the I9 freeway so they gave the general his liver since they were a match.”
“They…what?”
“They gave him his liver. The kid was dead, and he was an organ donor. And he was a genetic match to the general.”
“They…cut the liver out of one of your young and placed it in an elder and it…worked?”
“I mean, he wasn’t that young. Mid twenties or something. But yeah, that’s essentially it.”
The interrogator and his assistant both regurgitated their most recent meal and ran from the room. Living in places like the “Australia” were one thing, but taking the organs of dead bodies and placing them in the living? What was WRONG with this species?
(via windbladess)
