- britain: anything you can do i can do better
- usa: *fucks up entire nation* no you can't
- britain: *fucks up entire world* yes i can
REBLOG THIS IF YOU ARE LGBT+, SUPPORT LGBT+, OR WANT TO VIOLENTLY FLING YOURSELF INTO THE SUN
if you ever feel like a fuckup, just think you will never in your life fuck up as badly as david cameron, the prime minister of the united kingdom, whose political gamble in calling this referendum has completely backfired and britain has not only voted to leave the eu but it might also cause scotland and northern ireland to break up from the union. so if you ever feel like a fuckup, just think of dave and how he, the prime minister of the united kingdom, has single-handedly put at risk the economic prosperity, political stability and unity of his country for the advancement of his own political career and that he will now probably have to resign knowing that this will be his legacy
Cornelius Fudge is shaking his head right now saying “Man, at least I didn’t fuck up quite this badly”
look, if you said to me a year ago that Britain would leave the EU and that the Philippines - my country - would vote a misogynistic foul-mouthed fucktard into power, I would’ve laughed at you.
but both these things have happened this year.
you know what else I would’ve laughed about a year ago?
the possibility that Donald Trump might win the U.S. presidential elections.
considering that the two other things I was laughing about before have now come true, I think it’s time now that the U.S. gets serious, bc look at Britain and how the referendum alone has impacted its economy. look at the Philippines’ president-elect and how he treats women, how cheaply he sees people’s lives.
look at those examples.
please, you guys. vote for your democratic candidate, no matter who it is. please.
(Source: skymurdock)
John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.
Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?
Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven What’s New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]
reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg
(Source: secretoctopus, via littlestartopaz)
uk side of tumblr are u ok
The UK has left Europe. Which means we’ve also left behind all the laws Europe put in place for the protection of LGBT people and a shit ton of other good laws as well. The pound is at its lowest worth since 1985 meaning that thousands will loose their jobs as major companies try to save money by cutting the number of staff they employ, and a loaf of bread will probs cost more than fixing the teeth of everyone who’s ever been on Jezza Kyle ever. So no, we’re not really alright but it’s our own fault tbh.
What the shit
2016 is truly a nightmare for everyone. Sorry to hear it.
(via windbladess)
Reblog if you want one of these in your ask box:
- •A compliment
- •A story
- •Why you follow me
- •If you met me what would you do
- •A cute message
- •One thing you want to tell me
- •One thing you want to know about me
TO ANYONE LIVING IN THE UK
There is a petition to try and call another referendum about the EU, with a rule asking for a 60% majority before a decision is made. Yes this is a shitty time, but hopefully there’s still a chance to fix things. The Leave campaign have already gone back on some of their promises before the referendum, so please, if you can, can you sign this? If we get 100 000 signatures parliament have to debate it, so please. Even if you’re not in the UK if you can share this to try and get it out there, that would be fantastic. Here’s the link:
(via skymurdock)
