srsly tho this is absolutely a thing that dudes do all the f***ing time
like where if he knows a girl doesn’t necessarily want to give him a hug, he will trap her in this position in front of witnesses where she has 2 options- both of which are undesirable for her, while simultaneously desirable for him
if she doesn’t want to hug him, whatever she does, it will suck for her.
she can 1. say nah and be the fucking asshole in front of other ppl or 2. forsake her corporeal boundaries and allow unwanted intimate contact
it’s a f***ing trap
F***ing hate dudes forreal.
too many f***ing times ugh
Story time.
One day I was on the MAX (basically a giant street car that goes all over the metro area) on my way to meet up with a few friends. I didn’t look at anyone, I didn’t speak to anyone, I just stood to the side on my phone making sure I wasn’t going to be late to my meeting.
Out of no where, this guy comes up to me and starts to chat me up. Me, being who I am, am absolutely terrified to tell this guy to f*** off. He was at least half a foot taller than me, and was way too bulky for me to fight back. So I suck it up at humor him, say hello. Before introducing himself or asking me for my name, he asks me out on a date. Not wanting to piss him off I try to make light of the situation and I laugh, telling him that my boyfriend wouldn’t like the idea, but thank you for the offer. He just shrugs and says, “He doesn’t need to know.”
At this point I’m scared out of my mind. There’s this guy who, after seeing me run two blocks to catch the train, comes up to me and has made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t going to leave without getting something out of me.
I deny him a second time, saying, “I don’t even know you’re name. We’re strangers, I don’t know you.” He finally introduces himself and asks me for my phone number. I tell him I don’t give my number out to people I’ve just met and he says, “Fine, but at least take mine so we can meet up later.” So he watches me plug his number into my phone (which I deleted as soon as I knew I was safe and away from him) as we’re pulling up to my stop. I tell him I need to leave and switch trains and he tells me, “Oh, I’ll wait with you. I don’t have any plans, so I’m in no rush.” It’s important to note what at this point he had previously told me that he was late to a job interview, but he has all the time in the world because he still hasn’t gotten what he wanted from me; a yes.
I get off of the train and he follows me, and waits at the platform with me for over ten minutes until my train arrives, asking me all sorts of personal questions about where I live and where I was going that day. As soon as the train pulls up he grabs for me and says, “Do I at least get a hug before you go?”
I was terrified. I was embarrassed. This dude, who before even asking me for my name asks me out on a date and then continues to harass me after I tell him I have a boyfriend, asks me for a hug only fifteen minutes after meeting. People around us were staring at me, as if I was being rude for denying him, and every inch of me was mortified. I wanted to run, but I felt like if I had done that he would have chased after me and things would have gotten worse. So I did, and he squeezed me so tight I felt like I was going to burst. It took me a good ten seconds to get him to let go and I ran to the train car just as the doors were closing. He was trying to get me to miss my train so I would have to wait with him even longer. I would have been stuck there for over a half an hour until the next train came by, and the platform (aside from the few buses coming by) was now COMPLETELY EMPTY. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and he knew EXACTLY how to get me alone with him.
People, if you are in a situation like this do not feel obligated to give in. If someone is making you uncomfortable and asks to touch you in any way, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SAY YES. Make excuses, be blunt, just straight up say ‘no’. If possible, go to someone else near by who you think can help you and ask them to help you. It’s important for guys to learn that they can’t get what they want just by asking over and over again.
I got lucky. But not everyone does. Please, everyone, Be Safe.SECOND STORY TIME
So I was on the transit bus alone one time. This was my first time riding, and so already I was PETRIFIED. I sit down, pull out my ipod, and begin to play some games. This guy sits down next to me, and begins trying to have a conversation. I don’t really respond, I don’t even look at him, just give half-hearted “mhm”s and “oh”s, as I don’t want to be rude if he was just striking up a friendly conversation. He then asks me on a date.
Now, as I stated before, I already was absolutely petrified. My heart stopped and I didn’t know how to answer. So I just didn’t. He didn’t let up and I could feel his eyes on me. I quietly stammer out a “no thanks” and my stop HAPPENS to be coming up, so I pull the string thing to let the driver know I want to stop there, and once we stop and the doors open I get up and he asks me, “Well, can I at least have a hug before you go if you won’t go on a date with me?”
This makes me break. There are now people staring, as we are the only people standing up and not getting off… So I just start crying. Hell, I am bawling almost instantly. He looks so fucking freaked out and people are now getting up to come over and comfort me/question him. I don’t stop crying, and he keeps trying to comfort me by touching me, and people are yelling at him for that.
AND THEN. AND. FUCKING. THEN. THE GOD DAMN BUS DRIVER. A VERY EASILY 6 FOOT BURLY MAN. COMES OVER TO US. PULLS THE GUY AWAY. AND KNEELS DOWN. HE THEN ASKS, IN THE MOST CALM VOICE, “Did you request the stop?” I very slowly and shakily nod, as I am still crying my eyes out. He then asks, “Do you want to get off?” I give a quiet “mhm” and nod once again, and he offers me his hand. I take it, he stands up, and he escorts me off the bus. He asks me questions such as where I was going next, if I was going to meet someone shortly, if I was going to transfer buses from there. He was very polite and waited for me to answer the entire time, and my friend (who I was going to be meeting there) showed up. He asked me if this was someone I knew, I said yes, and he said alright, have a good day. He then told me- and this is something stuck in my mind forever, so it is word for word-
“If some guy EVER starts harassing you like that again, do exactly what you did there. Cry. Cry and scream and have a temper tantrum. Not only will it throw him off, but it will get others to notice. They might not interfere, they might, but you will have gotten their attention and if you happen to go missing the next day the search for you will be a hell of a lot easier because everyone in that location will have seen you screaming and crying with a guy now very awkward with his actions. They will know. That is what my daughter did, and three days after she went missing she was back in my arms. I pray for you and every other person like you who has this done. You stay safe now, okay?” And after I began blubbering again, I nodded and he left.
So this is the second lesson for yall. If you can not have the courage to say no or make an excuse, cry. Let out those sobs and tears and cry your heart out. Because it is going to make people notice and make people aware.
Ugh. When I was 13 I was at a convention with my mom. It the beginning of the “Free hugs” trend. At the end of the day, we were starting to walk toward the exit, this man, in his 30s, came to me, pointing at his “free hugs” sign. As I didn’t want to seem rude I accepted to hug him. He then held me, not too violently as my mom would have noticed, but enough to make me understand he didn’t want me to go away, and tried to kiss me, still making sure my mom wouldn’t see. As I said, I was 13 and he was over 30. At that point, I finally pushed him away, and left with my mom, who noticed something was wrong but that it wasn’t the moment to ask, so she just walked a bit faster. When we were out of the convention center, I burst into tears, and told her exactly what happened. Even after she did all she could to comfort me, said it wasn’t my fault, that the guy was an asshole, I felt dirty, humiliated. For the whole ride back home, all I could smell was the stench of this man’s aftershave on the collar of my dress.
Please, please don’t let thoughts like “I don’t want to seem rude“ make you do things you don’t want to. You don’t owe a guy you’ve never met anything.Another story time, here I go.
Roughly a year ago I had a job interview in another city. I was on my way back, basically waiting for my last train home. It was about 11 PM. I was listening to music, waiting at the station when suddenly a dude sat down next to me. The place was almost empty and I was pissed because dude don’t sit next to someone when every goddamn bench at this station is free. He started talking to me and I looked at him with a very annoyed expression. Now, my nice face already looks like I’m pissed off, so I imagine my annoyed face would have to look openly hostile. I overdramatically took out one of my earbuds and said “what is it.”
He said he had seen me often around this place and if I would mind to get to know each other better. I said I’m not interested and was about to put my earbud back in, but he kept blubbering about how he liked me while expression changed from annoyed to creeped out and pissed off. I told him I have no interest in him and that it’s been a very long day for me and that I appreciate that he came over to talk to me but no means no.
So of course the next thing he does is ask for my phone number in case I change my mind. I said no, I’m not comfortable with giving my number to strangers. At this point, naturally, he asks that he can give his number to me. I said I wouldn’t text him, because I’m not interested, but fine. He gave me his number and tried to guilt trip me into ringing him for a moment so he could check if I got all the digits right. I said no. Again. And deleted the number.
Eventually the train came and I was rid of him, but let me tell you, you can be as rude as you want and those guys don’t get it. They don’t want to. Two years ago I would have probably given him my number because I’d have been terrified and in shock, so yeah being stubborn pays off but… jeez. Some days I hate guys. And lately those some days appear to be more often.
This happens in the workplace too. I’ve had to file a report against one of my managers (so someone superior to me), making inappropriate comments on my appearance, then when I was in a corner quite literally, restocking a fridge, he comes up to me and asks “can I have a hug?”. I’ve said “no” and tried to step back but he does it anyway. He’s taller, and I don’t think shoving would’ve done much. I regret not kicking up a stink though, but I feared the repercussions.
Today in fact, I had a male crew member who has made me uncomfortable on multiple occasions, try to hug me (in front of everyone). I say “no”, he says “aw, you’re no fun”, my manager (same one I filed my report too) sees and she says “respect people’s personal boundaries. Now get back to your station”. Previously he’s tried to touch me and massage my shoulders and get me to look at his “abs”. All of this is inappropriate in a workplace. Not to mention both these guys have targeted younger girls too.
My point is, these are people I’ve worked with and have a vague idea of what I’m like and still have pulled the “hug” trick on me. It isn’t restricted to random guys on public transport, they’re in the workplace too — but at least there’s complaint protocol you can fall back on.
And the thing is that it's not just strange men who pull this shit. I’m a really tactile person, but only with people I know really well and trust a lot, because I’m also really fucking paranoid (long story we won’t go into, suffice it to say my grandmother’s a real peach). So I hate being hugged from behind without being told who it is and given a heads up, and I warn everyone about it because my first impulse when I’m suddenly grabbed from behind is to fight back, and I could really hurt someone. Most of my friends are really great about it and when they walk up behind me they put a hand on my shoulder before they hug me, or they let me sit with my back to the wall, or they give me a small warning when someone walks up behind me. But a friend of my roommate’s (I’m real grabby with my roommates because we’re all really close) likes to sneak up behind people and grab them, and she hasn’t stopped even though I’ve asked her not to. She hasn’t stopped even though I’ve actually elbowed her in the ribs and almost cracked one, because, as I mentioned above, my gut response is violence. And it makes me incredibly stressed around her because I can’t tell when she’s planning to grab me without warning. Guys, if someone you know asks you not to do something like hug you or grab you, for God’s sake don’t do it, it’ll make the whole relationship run a lot smoother.
(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)
