If you insist on going to go see a badly written fan fic movie that caters to the fantasies of women this Valentine’s Day weekend please see Jupiter Ascending and not Fifty Shades of Grey.

Neither will be good.

But Jupiter Ascending will be the some of the most ridiculous over the top fun you’ve had in a theatre in a while when all of your bad self insert sci-fi fan fics from when you were 14 have an orgy and create a beautiful 3D $100 million child. 

Fifty Shades of Grey will try to convince you that an abusive relationship is both an accurate portrayal of BDSM and what you should crave as it masquerades as romance.

Jupiter Ascending features Eddie Redmayne as a sparkly cape wearing bare chested Dowager Countess Voldemort.

The choice is obvious.

Jupiter Ascending.

You’re welcome.