Dad Why the hell did you put a comma there?

Dad Do you even know what a participial phrase is?

Dad Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.

Dad Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?

Dad Hey are you awake? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.

Dad Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.

Dad I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.

Dad Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.

Dad Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.

Dad Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.

Dad It's like you didn't read the fucking book.

Dad Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.

Dad *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*

Dad My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.

Dad Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...

Dad Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.

Dad I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.

Dad Fuck the government.

Dad Fuck the school board.

Dad Close the door.

Dad Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.

Dad I love puns.

Dad People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.

Dad Please shut up.

Dad Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.

Dad I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.

Dad I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.

Dad You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.

Dad Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.

Dad I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.

Dad If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.

Dad They act like I care what they think.

Dad I hate homework.

Dad I have decided to become a politician.

Dad What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.