Millennial Job Search Gothic
- you have an interview next week. you always have an interview next week. The managers who interview you all seem to share the same pleasant, blank face. They promise to call you back in a few days. They never do.
- they say the minimum wage is going up soon.
- you must have two years of experience. you must have five years of experience. you must have ten years of experience. experience in what, exactly? the job requirements bleed into an ancient latin text as you attempt to decipher them.
- the people in the photos in the craigslist ads smile eerily at you. their eyes seem to follow you around the room even after you click away from the job posting.
- do not apply in person, the posting says. do not send in your resume. do not apply. we’ve lost too many employees to the creature as is.
- you plan on leaving your job soon. you’ve been planning on leaving your job soon for months. you keep making excuses as to why you haven’t left your job yet, but you know deep down that even if you put in your two weeks tomorrow, you wouldn’t leave the company as the same person you were when you applied. if they let you leave alive at all.
- you seem to see “help wanted” signs everywhere. when you enter and inquire about them, the employees wave you away. you hear their cries for help again as you leave.
- you are more than qualified for the job that you are applying to. you are over-qualified for the job you are applying to.
- you do not get the job.
Oh god.
- You begin interviewing the interviewer. You know everything about the company, the position, and the person across from you. You don’t like them very much. So you start to train them. Now they know better. They still do not hire you.
- A third person comes into the room, you’ve been sweating in your chair for over two hours now. You don’t know why you’ve had three identical conversations with nonidentical people. Maybe it’s a test? Is this the comprehension portion? You always aced those tests.
- The personality test says you’re a level 35, and you’re glad. You didn’t feel like a level 17, and no one ever hires level 2 personalities. You add the results with all the other tests in the filing cabinet you can no longer close. The papers that spill out have line after line of your personality traits as if they’ve unraveled your genetic code. You need to fit into the personality group of the company.
- You wake up from a fugue state surrounded by writing samples, clutching your chest, heart hammering. It’s four in the morning.
- You wonder if 401K is the name of the ghost down the hall. You catch them from the corner of your eye, but you’re never really sure if they are actually there.
- A question is asked by one person, but it echoes, a multitude of voices saying the same things, over one and the other. You have been here before. You feel cold.
- Tell me about a problem you had and how you solved it?
- I am stuck in a loop. Everything is the same. I wake up, I eat, and go to this interview, and then I go again. Every time, the same questions are asked and I can’t stop them. Nothing stops. You just don’t remember me, but I’ve been here before. I remember it all. Everything.
- You tell them about the time you solved a problem using customer service skills.
- They tell you there’s plenty of jobs out there, They do, Them. You just have to look, so you pick those up. Find some jobs, NO NOT THOSE ONES, THOSE AREN’T REAL JOBS. GO GET A REAL JOB You’re scared. Why are They mad? What did you do? You worry if your job is REAL. Are you real?