leupagus:  #what a weird old man #what a weird old face #weird nose #weird eyes #weird skunk beard #I am so violently into it guys #rock me trash fire jesus #I just want a 100k fic about TFA-style Mara Jade #played by Octavia Spencer #being like undercover as the space pirate who brings that weird old hermit dude supplies once a month #and one day she rolls up and Luke and Rey are playing Force Tennis or whatever and is like ‘okay here’s the deal' #‘I am super dupes supposed to kill you but the thing is that there’s a bunch of First Order dickwads coming' #‘and they’re going to murder you WAY WORSE AND MEANER than I was planning #‘so come with me if you want to live marginally longer than you were gonna live anyway' #and Luke and Rey and Mara all have a galactic space adventure #I’m just saying #anyway yeah this is all really good for me in the sense of being perfectly awful for me #I am so sexually miserable right now #oh my god robot hand me on it

Update: NOBODY’S EVEN OFFERED to write me fic, you are all bastards

THIS IS ONLY 500 WORDS BUT WHATEVER

“you remind me of someone on jakku,” says rey, the fourth night they’re huddled around luke skywalker’s cave fire in awkward silence.

something like a smile tugs at the corner of luke’s mouth. “i remind you of an old man on a desert planet?” he sighs and the smile is gone. “me too.”

rey’s learned that if she allows for luke’s mopey, vague insights, she loses track of the conversation. “some of the scavengers would group up. they didn’t have a home like me. they’d huddle around a fire they built in a composter bin and growl at anyone who came too close.”

the smile is definitely gone now. luke scowls at his fire. “i don’t growl.”

“the trash fire savior of the galaxy,” rey muses aloud.

the only break from the monotony of the sighing, lonely wind and the waves crashing against the rocks and r2d2’s rude comments about luke’s abode is when a ship zooms out of lightspeed, idles a few minutes, and leaves several units of mysterious packages lighter.

the first time the ship dropped off supplies after rey arrived, the pilot found rey and luke in a silent stare-off on the highest point of the cliff.

“oh, that’s new,” said the pilot, apparently referring to rey. “you lost? you need a lift off this rock? you here on purpose? oh god, you’re here on purpose.”

rey glanced at her out of curiosity and got force-pushed off the cliff for her troubles. she spent the next half-hour clinging to a rock and trying not to fall, and listening to the pilot telling luke he’s a weird old man while luke growled back.

“leia misses you,” rey tries once. luke stalks off to some secret cave she hasn’t found yet and doesn’t emerge for days. rey amuses herself by rearranging his living room cave. when he comes back it’s purple and green with flowers and seaweed. he doesn’t take the stuff down, so that’s a point to rey.

the supplies ship shows up off schedule. rey’s up on top of it immediately. any excitement is better than solving the mystery of whether luke has actually bathed in the decade he’s been here.

“get on the ship,” says the pilot. she says it to a shrub nearby, which turns out to be hiding luke. rey fumes. he hasn’t been hiding in secret caves after all.

“why should i?” he asks.

“because i said so, skywalker.”

before the conversation can get any more childish, the pilot takes a blaster out of her holster and aims it at luke.

rey waits for him to force-knock it out of the pilot’s hand, but he just quirks an eyebrow.

“oh no,” he says. “you’ve got me.”

“wait, what?” says rey. “are we really doing this?”

“the first order is coming to torture, maim, and kill both of you, kid,” says the pilot over her shoulder. “come with me if you want to live slightly longer than you would if you stayed. maybe even the same length of time, but in a lot less pain.”

luke shrugs and heads toward the ship’s open docking bay. he halts at the top of the ramp, raising his skeletal robot hand to beckon to rey. “come on, padawan.”

“this is super dumb,” says rey. predictably, no one listens to her.

PERFECTION