Zeus Don’t fight Zeus. You’ll only end up sleeping with him. On second thought, do fight Zeus.

Hera Look, I’m not saying anyone is really going to try to stop you, but I am saying she is petty as shit and will dedicate the rest of your life to destroying you in other ways. Your call.

Poseidon You could probably fight Poseidon. Dude is built like a brick shithouse but he’d think it was a good time and buy you a beer afterwards.

Demeter Are you fucking kidding? She created a new season the last time someone really pissed her off. Do not fucking fight Demeter.

Hades Fight Hades, but only in spring, and then ask to see pictures of his dog.

Hestia Are you Satan

Aphrodite Arguably the lowest reward to risk ratio on this list. What is even the point here. Might as well save us all some time and punch yourself in the groin.

Athena If you must, a sneak attack is required, and even then you’re still probably boned. Alternately, distract her first with statements such as “Mozart is an overrated hack” and “Garfield is not funny.”

Hephaestus You could beat Hephaestus. You could not beat Hephaestus’ robot army. Do not fight Hephaestus.

Ares Absolutely fight Ares. This is a no-brainer. Literally everyone wants you to kick Ares’ ass including Ares. You might feel bad when he starts crying but only if you are weak.

Artemis Do not fight Artemis. Do not talk to Artemis. Do not look at Artemis. Do not think about Artemis.

Apollo What did I just fucking say

Hermes You could beat him if you could catch him, but you can’t, and even if you did, he would convince you to talk it out instead, buy you a drink, and be gone before you noticed your wallet was missing. Avoid.

Dionysus Dionysus is an easy fight until he decides not to be. You could fight Dionysus but under no circumstances force him to give a shit.

Persephone Don’t fight Persephone. She will beat you up. Her mom will beat you up. Her husband will probably also be unpleasant and disapproving in some way. Listen to trash pop with Persephone instead.

Hebe Idk man, she bites.

Iris Yo have you ever tried to punch a rainbow?

Heracles Dude has seen some shit. You may think you’re bad enough but you really aren’t. There is literally no way this could end well for you. Do not fight Heracles.