my beef with self diagnosis
is that it can be really dangerous. The idea that only you know yourself and your symptoms best is shlock. You don’t. And you most definitely should be aware that your sense of self is even further compromised by illness.
I diagnosed myself with depression last year. I knew what it was, my sister had depression and she was getting better with medication. I had all the symptoms and I fit in with every checklist and I’d suffered depression off and on for years.
Desperate and armed with my internet searches I went to my doctor and demanded relief. I wanted drugs and help and NOW. My life was a wreck, I was a wreck and I couldn’t do it anymore. I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Unfortunately (as it would turn out) my doctor trusted me and gave me what I wanted, anti-depressants and a referral to speak to someone about my mental health.
I walked out prescription in hand, relieved for the first time in months that things were going to get better. And they did! But only briefly.
Because I got my diagnosis wrong.
Or I guess you could say 50% wrong. I had diagnosed myself with Major Depressive Disorder and yes, I was most definitely depressed BUT what I actually had was Bipolar Disorder. Type 2 specifically.
Now, what’s something that a person with bipolar disorder should never ever do without supervision and a mood stabilizer? Take antidepressants.
What followed was the mood rollercoaster from hell. I had moved to a new city and separated from my doctor continued my medication in the hopes enough of it would work. It put me into a mood episode called a mixed state. I constantly angry, agitated, crawling out of my skin. Things were so awful I began to question if the world was even real. How could a place this painful even exist?
I felt a constant, desperate, clawing need for…what? Something. I couldn’t identify it. A saviour maybe? And I did find one in the end. Death, I thought, would be my saviour.
If this is all sounding a bit dramatic it’s because I’m trying to illustrate a point. 2 months after misdiagnosing myself and starting anti-depressants I tried to commit suicide. Off we went to the hospital where an overworked but well-meaning emergency psych handed me another prescription for anti-depressants. I left the hospital, filled the prescription and was right back on the mood rollercoaster. 2 weeks later I tried to kill myself again. This time when I got to the hospital they told me I couldn’t leave.
Being locked up for a month wasn’t fun, but it was probably one of the better things that happened to me. It was the first time someone really asked me questions instead of taking me at my word. My diagnosis changed and I still need medication but now I have the right kind.
What annoys me most about this is that I LOOKED at Bipolar II as a diagnosis. I looked right at it and said nah. That’s not it. I wasn’t able to objectively evaluate my moods. I see the cycles of hypomania and depression now but at the time I just thought that was me. I’m creative! Of COURSE I work a ton sometimes and can’t bear living other times! Some of the blame here lies with my doctor and some with me. I should have said I have all these symptoms can we figure out what is going on?
Anyway, that was 8 months ago. Things didn’t get 100% better right away and they still aren’t 100% better now. I still question my diagnosis and I have once or twice ditched my meds only to be quickly reminded why I need them when my mood starts kicking my ass.
To be clear: self advocacy is FINE. That’s not the issue. Advocating for yourself is how you open a conversation. (And of course ditch your doc if they’re dismissive of opening a dialogue.)
The real issue is this idea that’s taking hold that doctors need to trust their patients because only their patients know themselves best. It’s dangerous when patients believe this and it’s especially dangerous when doctors believe it. Don’t diagnose yourself. Yeah, you might get it right, but if you don’t? It’s fucking russian roulette.
My doctor trusted me and I trusted me and it was almost fatal.
(via lupinatic)
