Some rarely-mentioned signs that parents are abusive
I see a lot of lists of things that abusive parents do. But some things I have never seen in a list so far and I would like to add them, because according to the other lists, I’ve never experienced abuse from my parents. But just because it doesn’t appear on a standard list doesn’t mean it’s not abuse, so here is an addendum.
I think most of these points are specific for kids who are disabled, mentally ill or neurodivergent, and that this is the reason why they never appear on other lists. But these kids are especially vulnerable to (emotional) abuse, so I made this.
1. Shaming you for your disabilities, mental illness or neurodivergency. This includes undiagnosed conditions. If a parent sees that their child is having problems, they should try to help or, if they can’t, get external help.
It is not okay for parents to shame you for self-harming.
It is not okay for parents to shame you for having meltdowns.
It is not okay for parents to shame or punish you for things you cannot help, no matter how hard it is for them.
Yes, if parents do honestly have no clue what is happening, they might misinterpret your (re)actions. But no later than when they talk with you about it, they should eventually realize that you’re not doing it on purpose. Parents can and should get help from others and/or professionals if it’s too much for them.
2. Shaming you for mistakes. People make mistakes. Inexperienced people make more mistakes. Young people are by definition inexperienced. Especially those of us who are mentally ill, neurodivergent or intellectually disabled, (but really literally everyone) is bound to make mistakes while growing up.
You might not know that there is a difference between cleaning agents and shower gel. You might not know that lotion isn’t good for a potted plant. You might now know that there is a reason why the cat is in that cage. You might think that something is a good and harmless trick but it actually has really bad consequences.
You might not know these things even if everyone else your age does. It’s not your fault.
It’s okay for parents to be angry, disappointed or shocked. It’s not okay for parents to let it out on you. It’s their job to teach you and if they didn’t do it correctly, it’s not your fault.
(For example, I didn’t know that cleaning agents and shower gel are different things until I was 18. As a little child, I was told to stay away from cleaning agents and not to touch them and I was never told otherwise, so I just accepted that until I was taught otherwise by someone else.)
3. Breaking promises. This sounds vague, I know. And I know that sometimes promises can’t be held. Sometimes they are forgotten. Sometimes even parents don’t have the energy to keep up their end of the bargain. It happens.
But if it’s a constant pattern, if you are coerced into doing things you don’t like by promises that will never be held, it’s not okay any more.
4. Threats. It’s one thing to explain to a child or teen the consequences of their actions. It’s okay to explain that you need to study or else you will fail your tests and it’s okay to explain what happens then.
It’s not okay to threaten you with grave consequences for minor failures. It’s not okay to remind you of these consequences every time you do something wrong. It’s not okay to keep threatening you when you are unable to do whatever it is they want you to do.
5. Threatening you with things that should not be threats. It’s not okay to threaten a child or teen with doctor’s appointments, hospitals, psychotherapy or psychiatry. These things are supposed to help. You should not grow up to be afraid of needing a doctor or a therapist.
Seriously, instead of a parent threatening their child with psychiatry, they should just go there and try to get help for the whole family because it’s probably desperately needed.
6. Sudden and unjustified punishments. It’s not okay to suddenly punish you for something that has previously been okay.
If parents are fed up with their children’s behaviour, they should establish rules and explain and justify punishments, and give their children a chance to actually comply (while also considering their children’s abilities).
(For example, as a teen I never helped with housework. I didn’t have the executive functioning and I never got taught how to do it. But suddenly I was punished for not helping with housework.)
7. Unpredictability. It’s not okay to suddenly change the rules without warning.
It’s not okay if it’s “You should go out more often” one day and “No you are not allowed to go out” the next.
Some parents have trouble offering a constant reliability due to their own illness/disability/neurodivergence. It happens.
But the moment it makes you as their child afraid of their reactions, afraid that they might have a sudden change of heart, it’s not okay any more.
8. Assuming bad intentions where there are none. As I already said, people make mistakes. People even make stupid mistakes. People misjudge, miscalculate, people lose their temper. This happens to parents as well as to their children and everyone else.
What is not okay is for parents to see you doing something wrong and immediately assuming you’re doing it to harm them.
(For example, I always stayed up late. My parent had trouble sleeping. When I made too much noise, they assumed it was intentional in order to deny them their sleep.)
9. “I want you to do the thing but I also want you to want to do the thing.” This is a tricky one, but I have heard this from so many people that I’m including it as an extra point. I think it’s actually some sort of double bind, because you can only do it wrong or do it wrong in a different way.
It’s okay for parents to demand their children do things they do not like, for example doing chores, doing homework and similar things. (However, it’s not okay to demand more than you can actually do.)
It’s okay for parents to ask their children to do them a favour, for example sometimes do a little more housework, helping them with other stuff, going to the store and so on.
It’s okay for you to not want to do something. It’s okay to do something even if you don’t want to. Actually, most favours work that way, you rarely ever like them but you do them anyway because you want to do something for someone else. Most chores work that way. Almost nobody likes doing the dishes.
However, it’s not okay to make you feel bad for doing something anyway. If you don’t like doing something, you don’t like it, and nobody has the right to demand you to feel differently about it.
10. Making you feel bad for opening up to them. If you tell a parent about your experiences, your feelings, your problems and your secrets, they should be accepting and loving.
Punishing you for things they would have never known if you hadn’t told them is wrong. Shaming you for things they would have never known if you hadn’t told them is wrong. It’s a parent’s job to offer their child emotional support. It’s wrong for them to show you that you can’t trust them.
And nobody gets this. There were times in my childhood that I wished they would just hit me, because the mentality of adults is a bruise is the only proof of abuse. I would tell people what was happening and they would brush it off.
“Parents are supposed to be like that.”
“You’re not supposed to get along great with your folks as a teenager.”
Eventually, even I thought I wasn’t being abused. I just thought I was screwing up somehow and my parents hated me. I bottled that shit up for years.
It took me twenty-two years to finally go see a shrink and one session for her to tell me I was abused my entire life.
(via im-lost-but-not-gone)
