Something that a lot of people don’t realize is that abusers are capable of being nice. Yes, abusers can do acts of kindness. These acts of kindness do not mean that they aren’t abusive. They’re still abusers.
If your parents constantly tell you that you’re worthless, but provide you with everything you want, they’re still abusive.
If your boyfriend screams at you whenever you do something he doesn’t like, but cuddles you and calls you beautiful, he’s still abusive.
If your friend threatens to never talk to you again when you try to talk to other people, but is always there for you when you need them, they’re still abusive.
Acts of kindness do not make up for their abuse. This is a method that abusers use to keep you attached to them and make you less likely to leave them. You are not a bad person for leaving someone if they cause constant harm to you. Their kindness does not outweigh the harm and pain they caused you. Their kindness does not justify their abuse. Abusers can do good things for their victims and still be abusers.
Abuse is *never* justifiable.
The idea that abusers are cartoon bad guys who are constantly terrible needs to die. Nobody would form an attachment to an abuser or find it difficult to leave one if they behaved badly all the time.
And here’s the other thing: that popular misconception about abusers as cartoon bad guys with no redeeming qualities is ACTIVELY USED BY ABUSERS TO GASLIGHT THEIR VICTIMS. I’m not even kidding. The last conversation I had with my father, I was literally listing off incidents where his behavior had been abusive, and he came back with “but I took you kids to Europe when you were 16, how many kids get to do that? You had your own car at 16, traveled abroad, I paid for that nice house with the pool and the waterfall, sent you on trips” etc. He literally actually cited his good moments as if it were a reasonable “balance” for the abusive shit and therefore I should just be okay with it. Because that’s what people seem to think.
And I still doubt myself because of it! I still ask myself am I sure it was abuse, am I sure it really *counted*? My dad did love me, to the fullest extent that he’s capable of it, and he showed it in the ways he was capable of…but he was also abusive, and those things can coexist in the same person, same relationship, at the same time. Not acknowledging that supports abusers and disempowers victims.
(via littlestartopaz)
