Assorted headcanons about Tolkien characters driving, because I’m on a roadtrip and well we do what we can to pass the time
Bilbo: owns a sensible car that he drives at twice the speed limit through residentials, while Thorin braces himself with a hand on the ceiling, a hand on the dash, and a foot propped up next to it. Lobelia puts up a sign in her neighborhood that says “DRIVE LIKE YOUR KIDS LIVE HERE THAT MEANS YOU BILBO BAGGINS” and Bilbo texts her at a red light a reminder that he doesn’t have any children, thank you. When he adopts Frodo, he slows down a tad to just a quarter over the speed limit, unless Bilbo gets caught up telling one of his stories. He’s been clocked going over one hundred on the road back from Bree; his only defense was that, “The part with the trolls always does get me riled up.”
Thorin: drives ten miles below the speed consistently and obliviously while Bilbo slowly dies from the agony of it in the passenger seat, except when someone cuts him off at which point Thorin tailgates them for miles. His radio presets all lead to static because he’s owned his car for about two decades, and set up the radio stations in his old hometown. He never changes them: he knows that sooner or later he is going back.
Thranduil: owns a fancy sports car that in theory has a backseat and in reality comfortably fits exactly him and maybe one passenger who is still badly hunched over in shotgun (really discourages Legolas from bringing friends home from school). Speeds all the time. Has received multiple speeding tickets for the exact same stretch of road, which he pays and then continues to speed. The local traffic cops all know him and hate him and realize that he funds like a quarter of their operating budget.
Bard: owns a truck. Helps people move with his truck. Is too nice to say no even though he hates helping people move with his truck. When his kids are in the car, he drives exactly the speed limit. When he’s alone, he zips down the road at 14 mph above the speed limit because 15 is the point at which it’s reckless endangerment. He hasn’t gotten a ticket in years though. Most cops like him except the ones that don’t, and the ones that don’t always have the most obvious speed traps. Bard likes to roll through them at exactly the right speed. He nods at Alfrid as he does.
Samwise Gamgee: drives his grandfather’s old motorcycle which is older than Sam himself. It does not pass any emissions tests. It has extremely difficulty going up hills. But it always gets to the top, as Sam cheerfully reminds Mr Frodo, who rides in the little sidecar that Sam’s Gaffer used to transport his bulldog around. Frodo wears a helmet and googles. Sam keeps shouting over the roar of the engine if Frodo is doing alright , which is a nice sentiment that Frodo absolutely cannot hear.
Merry and Pippin: are not allowed to drive anymore. Not after The Incident. But it’s fine because they have plenty of friends who are happy to give them rides, or at least willing to give them rides, or are going to give them rides regardless of their feelings on the matter. Merry and Pippin are masters of the aux cord though. You never drive to better jams than when they are riding with you. It even makes up for all the times they say they just need a ride to a friend’s house and they make you take them to their weed man.
Elrond: arranges the neighborhood carpools. Is not sure how this became his job.
Eowyn: drives a big goddamn truck with a hitch for horses in the back. When men try to tell her how to park it (and men are always trying to tell her how to park it) she stares them down until they slink away. She’s got a lot of old country CDs on constant rotation; she likes hauling the truck up hills to the sounds of the great women of the Grand Ole Opry. She ends up stealing her uncle’s motorcycle from his garage and roaring out of town on it without a helmet is one of those stupid things she’s sorry she waited so long to do.
Boromir: drives an SUV his dad bought for him. Ends up ferrying a lot of hobbits in it. Will never start driving until he’s sure they are all buckled up.
Faramir: owns a smart car because it’s fuel efficient, compact, and easy to park in the city. His father refuses to let him park it in front of his house. Eowyn thinks it’s sweet, even if it is a pain in the ass to try to makeout in the back seat.
Galadriel: is chauffeured. Does not believe in making small talk with the chauffeur but somehow knows everything about him. Once she looks at him with a mischievous glint in her eyes and says, “why don’t I drive today?” And then proceeds to go roaring down a road recorded on no map or GPS while the chauffeur holds on for dear life. They arrive unscathed and ahead of schedule. Galadriel smiles knowing at the chauffeur until he can collect himself enough to go around and open her door.
Aragorn: owns my grandfather’s station wagon, which means it’s a partially rusted behemoth full of tarps, propane, fishing gear, and an odd smell identifiable only as “woodsy old man”. Everything in his car seems to be covered in a strange powder. It’s either dirt or the physical manifestation of age. He has a glovebox full of maps to towns you aren’t sure exist anymore along country roads you’re pretty sure are overrun. In his garage, there’s another car covered by a tarp. Rumor has it that it’s a big old fancy car that would make aficionados weep at the sight of it, but you peeked under there once and it looked nice and all but you can’t help but think Aragorn looks better in his old reliable rust bucket.
Gandalf: owns an ancient Volkswagen van. Never uses turn signals. Is offended that you would imply he needs to.
(Source: andhumanslovedstories, via bronzedragon)
