“paul rudd ages so well” yeah well chadwick boseman is gonna turn forty in november and he looks about twenty-five
For those of you who, like me, probably couldn’t remember an actor’s name if it was tattooed on their forehead, that’s the goddAMN BLACK PANTHER, HOLY SHIT.
Okay,
so you know what I want to see in the Black Panther movie?
Natasha sparring with one or multiple of T’Challa’s
bodyguards.
Bad guys keep trying to get T’Challa when he’s on diplomatic
trips, but the bad guys keep getting punched in the throat by his bodyguards.
This happens multiple times. The
scene will cut from T’Challa trying to stay awake during a meeting about
embargos or something, to his bodyguards brawling in the parking lot.
T’Challa doesn’t even know there
are bad guys half of the time because that’s how efficient and brutal his
entourage is.
I want at least one Wakandan to watch the news, shake their
head, and say, “What is up with these white people?” But then T’Challa gives
them a really stern look, because he is a righteous and progressive king. I
want the Wakandan to kind of blush and correct themselves with, “Excuse me, I
meant people of European descent.”
Bonus points if this is one of his bodyguards, after seeing
Spiderman doing literally anything.
I want a flashback to Civil War, where T’Challa’s team of
bodyguards are losing their minds. “How do you lose an entire king?!” And the oldest,
wisest, most-done-with-this-shit bodyguard (let’s call her Aunika) just puts on
a pair of shades, and goes, “Where’s the Panther suit? Wow, it’s missing? What
a coincidence.”
She is so done with his shit, she puts a tracking chip under
T’Challa’s skin like he’s a pet labradoodle. And then she puts a tracker on the
suit. And then she puts a tracker on the backup suit he doesn’t think she knows
about. She is too damn old to be running all over the globe trying to protect
this meatball.
And traditionally, the bodyguards aren’t supposed to talk to
anyone except each other and their king, and Aunika is old enough that she
still won’t say anything to the other Avengers. But she will absolutely drag T’Challa’s
ass when they’re alone.
But in, like, a mom way.
T’Challa gets pretty, very young bodyguards, sent from all
over Wakanda, and he’s like, “They’re so smol and precious.” And Aunika is
like, “You’re all literally the same age. Nakia has six inches and thirty
pounds on you.” And T’Challa looks her dead in the face, “So smol. So precious.”
Okay, when Aunika is talking to T’Challa, she is 100%
polite. All the time. But she pulls some wild shit. Like she has new recruits
for the Dora Milaje program prove they can bench press his bodyweight. And they
have to get it right, so he obviously has to be there to get bench pressed. New
recruits have to be able to run a half mile with him in a fireman’s carry, and
in a bridal carry. “Aunika, you never had to do any of this when my father
hired you.” “My king! Are you implying I am just making up new requirements? To
what end? To embarrass you?”
T’Challa goes on an Avenger’s mission and it goes
pear-shaped basically immediately. His bodyguards swoop in, crack the Hydra
base open like an egg, do some quick reconnaissance, pick up the information
the Avengers were supposed to get, and then they wait around. And poor Nakia is
like, “Let’s just grab him and go!” But Aunika is like, “If we rescue him, it’ll
hurt his feelings. We just have to wait for him to get out himself and then we
can act like we just got here, and then we can go.” But Nakia is still like, “Then
why did you tie me to this metal chair?” And Aunika is like, “So he can ‘save’
you.”
Nakia: “Is this because I failed the flight simulator? I can
retake it tomorrow!”
Aunika: “I can’t hear you over the sound of our king
performing a daring rescue. Hello T’Challa. It’s been so long I forgot what you
looked like.”
(That is a dramatic lie. It’s been 24 hours, tops.)
I want Aunika to try to adopt Sam Wilson, to save this sweet
summer child from these white savages. “I mean, these savages of European
Descent.”
Basically, I want 80% of Black Panther to be Serious Plot,
and the other 20% to be his bodyguards dealing with his life decisions.
