Headcanon: Selina has heard Bruce vent about his kids many, many, MANY times. She can even tell who he’s talking about by the first sentence, as detailed below:
He’s just SO - Dick
WHY does he - Jason
He NEVER - Tim
She ALWAYS - Cassandra
I don’t UNDERSTAND why he - Damian
When his back is turned, she’ll mouth the rant and sometimes mimic his body language. One time he caught her dramatically shaking her fist and so she just fist-bumped him.
Anonymous asked: I just read a post that mentioned the entire Justice League being on Cutthroat Kitchen and I desperately needed to know what your headcanons are on this.
Batman is out in round one. Firstly, he thinks $25k is nothing. What can you buy with $25k. Is that even enough to make a meal. He spends all his money and gets no sabotages and loses anyway because he is honestly a terrible cook. It will be edible and it will keep you alive but it will be terrible. Now, if you give him a fully stocked kitchen with all kinds of equipment he can bake you some fancy, fancy shit. But that’s baking. That is a science. Cooking is bullshit. Medium heat? What the fuck is medium heat? Medium is not a temperature. If you mean 180C say 180C. He never adds enough salt or sugar or fat to anything and everything is too spicy.
Wonder Woman also doesn’t make it very far. She can cook but, like… with fresh ingredients, and specific dishes. Plus she’s a vegetarian? She doesn’t know what the fuck to do with meats. They’re supposed to make chili dogs and she just has no frame of reference at all for what that should even look like. And she got the sabotage to do everything in the microwave. How even??
Flash gets the sabotage that replaces his good shit with garbage but that works in his favor because garbage is his specialty. He will make a delicious meal out of cheese whiz and goldfish and cocktail weenies. Unfortunately trash is all he’s good at. The man loves trash food. The next round they have to make something fresh and he’s SOL.
Green Arrow can’t cook for shit. He can stir fry and maybe roast things. It’s just not enough. He just buys sabotages for everyone because he wants to do as much damage as possible before he’s gone. Trolliver. He makes the Flash walk everywhere on top of egg crates. He’s the one who gives Wonder Woman the microwave.
J’onn can’t play because he can’t convince anyone he isn’t reading Alton’s mind for ideas. Alton always knows what you should do. Being able to read Alton’s mind is the ultimate advantage. Plus he can tell which judge it is, so he knows whether he needs to go for good food generally or for the best representation of the dish. Different judges want different things!! Honestly it is for the best they wouldn’t let J’onn play because he’s an alien and he eats weird shit.
Once they get Aquaman to understand the concept he gets really into it. He’s a great cook! How does he know how to cook these things? The man loves food. By all rights he shouldn’t be any better than Wonder Woman but holy shit he’s amazing. The things that man can do with a crab… he gets a sabotage to wear lobster claws but is weirdly highly functional. Ollie regrets buying it. Of COURSE he can handle having claws. He’s probably asked for advice. He should have bought the claws for Superman. In the end it’s Aquaman versus Superman which no one saw coming.
Superman wins. It’s bullshit. Everyone is mad about it. Not because he didn’t deserve it but because WHAT IS HE BAD AT. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING. Where did he even learn this stuff??? Little do they know HE GREW UP ON A FARM. THAT BOY CAN MAKE MAYONNAISE FROM SCRATCH, AND DOES. There’s a no-superpowers rule in place with a fine for offenders but he is actually great about it because Martha never let him use powers in the house. They get asked to make a lasagna and he’s so excited because he never gets to make time-intensive things usually. Murphy’s Law and supervillains get him every time he tries. He doesn’t have enough time to make his mozzarella and ricotta and tomato sauce from scratch like he usually does (YOU DO WHAT) but he does make his own pasta and it does not seem to occur to him not to do this. He lets Aquaman buy the sabotage to take his pasta because he didn’t even grab any. He does that thing where he sings pop songs in the voice of the original singer while he cooks and they have to ask him to stop so they won’t have to pay royalties. He’s very embarrassed because he didn’t realize he was doing it. He successfully stops himself from adding way too much garlic, even though he thinks it’s better with like… a whole head of garlic… all the garlic, in the world. Aquaman makes a really good eggplant lasagna but he just can’t compete with the meaty cheesy midwestern monstrosity that Superman has created.
The real reason Bruce Wayne keeps training kids is so that there’s eventually a gradually cascading order of vigilantes protecting Gotham. When you defeat one, there’s a slightly smaller one just behind, ready to pick up the slack.
going to college/university in gotham city would be so wild???
a student who forgets to sort out their accommodation until the last minute and ends up moving into mr freeze’s hideout because everywhere else in town is full. still beats dorms i guess.
the welcome assembly is 6 hours long and most of it is what to do if you encounter the joker or batman or some other hero or villain and how the police are essentially useless.
non-gothamite students being freaked out over why the gothamite students aren’t panicking when their campus coffee shop gets held up by harley quinn and poison ivy.
city-wide catastrophes are not an excuse for getting out of finals week.
the black market is incredibly easy to access in gotham and ends up getting used by students wanting to make a quick buck by writing other people’s essays or stealing answers off tests. beware ex-psychology professors who do not take kindly to cheaters.
not being sure whether the sound you’re hearing is an explosion somewhere in town or just your neighbor’s music at 3AM.
did you just see nightwing pass by your window or are you hallucinating from lack of sleep?
riddler crashes the university’s servers, causing untold fear and panic to the students who had left their essays to the very last minute to turn in.
iceberg lounge is to be avoided, the drinks are so damn expensive and the nightlife is usually lousy unless batman’s doing a raid on the place.
any drunk student could easily be taken in as a new batman villain. one minute you’re at a fancy dress party having a good time, the next thing you know you’re waking up in a jail cell with a suspicious, batarang shaped scar and the tabloids calling you Donkey Girl.
every student thinks they can be robin within the first two weeks of moving to gotham. this usually does not end well.
seeing two-face chilling at mcdonald’s on your friend’s snapchat story and not even being surprised at this point.
no need to set an alarm for a 14 minute nap, batgirl will probably come crashing through your window anyway.
most people want to bang either someone from the batfam or the rogues gallery. some have even attempted it.
fear toxin is put in the vents one time but almost no one is affected. everybody is already terrified for exams.
most dorm rooms have an “adopt me batman” sign hanging from the windows, or variations of that (”adopt me catwoman” is a pretty popular one too)
• Getting a new professor or a class being canceled because the professor decided to put on a costume and rob a bank under a gimmicky name
I’m learning a lot of things I disagree with about Batman canon based
on various character’s stated personalities and reputations. One of the
things I very much disagree with is Batman having one backup plan for
every single member of the Justice League in case they go rogue.
Batman
would not have one plan for every Leaguer. While it’s true he’s had a
lot of desperate, last-ditch plans before, there is absolutely no way
there is only one plan per Leaguer. If he has time to plan ahead that
far, then he has time to create contingency plans for his contingency
plans.
There should be at least three takedown plans for every
single member of the Justice League, minimum, as well as evacuation
plans and several subsections for effective containment strategies. As
well as multiple copies and hiding places for the plans, none exactly
alike, in case the location of one set of instructions is compromised.
Batman only having one plan per person when there’s been time to plan ahead. Pshaw.
AU where the Justice League forms like usual, except Batman
maintained his “totally a myth” status and has in fact been active for years before the JL forms. He’s very
cautious about trusting them, but still joins, and the others sort of accepts
that as long as they trust that Batman has a really hard time with trust, it will
all work out in its own weird way
Then, one day, in the middle of a JL mission, the League gets
in a tight spot. Out of nowhere, this blue and black blur swoops in and saves everyone’s
ass. Maybe breaking some shackles that were proving very difficult, maybe disarm
a bomb that the League was just a hair’s breadth too slow to reach without
help, but whatever happens, the shadowy figure pauses just long enough to say, “Hey,
Batman, you know you there are these things called cellphones now and you can just call
sometimes, it doesn’t have to be this dramatic?” and bounds away after
shouting ‘let’s do brunch! Bring your new friends!’
Batman is mortified.
No one lets it go.
The entire rest of the mission, the whole League is asking so
many questions. Who was that? Do you know him? How do you know him? What’s going on? I didn’t know there was a
vigilante in this area?? They don’t let up until he talks.
“That was Nightwing.” Batman is mumbling. The JL forces him
to bring them to the Brunch. Brunch happens to be in a run-down apartment on
the edge of a bad neighborhood, at five in the morning, in costume. Nightwing
introduces himself as Batman’s lovechild with justice.
“I did not realize Batman had a child,” Martian Manhunter
says, calmly enough that no one’s sure if he’s accidentally plucking a really
loud thought out of the air or if he’s trying to make a joke.
Nightwing stares for a moment falling over laughing. He doesn’t
get up. Batman starts trying to apply anti-Joker venom but Nightwing just kicks
him and laughs until he cries. He keeps trying to wipe his eyes and his mask
keeps getting in the way, so he asks everyone to leave so he can please get
a hold of himself
He is still laughing when they leave. Everyone is confused.
Batman is furious. Nightwing manages to
breathe long enough to say, “We’re just so glad
you’re socializing now, Batman.”
Superman turns to look at Batman very slowly. “…’we’?”
