barbaricyip:
“ cephiedvariable:
“ insanefastone:
“ darthevzimus:
“ opalsoda:
“ crash-antebois:
“ dirk-the-hatter:
“ osheamobile:
“ thatoneblogyoualmostremember:
“ roguesareth:
“ myherokills:
“ You trip and fall to your death.
”
Critical fail, you...

barbaricyip:

cephiedvariable:

insanefastone:

darthevzimus:

opalsoda:

crash-antebois:

dirk-the-hatter:

osheamobile:

thatoneblogyoualmostremember:

roguesareth:

myherokills:

You trip and fall to your death.

Critical fail, you swallow a knife and it explodes.

“As the assassin foolishly tries to slide down the gravelly side of the mountain, he trips and slits his throat on his knife. He’s dead. Anyone else want to do anything stupid?”

“You somehow determine that the golem is made of bacon.”

“You go to search the body, but manage instead to trigger the bear trap. I’m rolling damage now.”

“You shoot your unconscious bleeding cleric, roll damage. Don’t forget your favored enemy bonus.”

“You fail to notice the pit in front of you as you direct your horse to walk into it.”

“The mugger then proceeds to shoot his friend in the foot”

“the opponent sneezes and accidentally stabs himself to death”

“You try to pick the door, but the door picks you. You’ve been impaled.”

“You let go of the bow instead of its string, and it hits you in the face before falling at your feet.”
me: can i just pretend like i totally meant to do that
//rolls a nat 20 on a bluff check
“Everyone totally saw that but it looked like you completely meant to do that.”

“You break your foot trying to kick down the door, but luckily it was already unlocked.”

“You think you found the bomb’s off button!”

My favorite Nat 1 to date:

That time the cleric rolled a nat 1 on a heal check and whomped the patient with his greatsword instead.

(via maelace)

Tags: dnd

outofcontextdnd:

“I believe it’s time for my usual disclaimer: now would be an excellent time for someone who doesn’t have 6 Charisma and no ranks in Diplomacy to interrupt me and take charge of the conversation.”

daggerpen:

alexandraerin:

liferockingitout:

slutc0ven:

auric-pauper:

Tell me this is not one of the most motivating demotivating posters you’ve ever seen.

Made by Drakevarg

ohhhhh my god these are so fuckin cool

man all of these really rock something amazing

I love it

I like the paladin one so much more than any paladin character I’ve ever encountered.

These are amazing.

(via maelace)

moxperidot:

aftertheend-gamedev:

moxperidot:

player: what if (exact prediction of gm’s plan)

gm: 

Let me tell you a tale…

Once upon a time, I was running a DnD game for some friends. The player characters were checking out reports that a local town had been having trouble with monsters. They’re informed that it was true, a few years ago, but a copper dragon set up a lair in the mountains and chased all the awful creatures out. A dragon slayer showed up shortly thereafter and neither dragon nor slayer were heard from again. Players are disappointed at first, but then quickly perk up when some other plot threads become apparent.

A few sessions later, the place they were staying burned down (their fault), forcing them to check out the more expensive tavern in town. There, they meet Allie Cohol, a half-elf woman with red hair that owned and ran the tavern. She was cheerfully greedy, but still helpful and always ready with a cheesey joke… And after only the third joke, one of the players, Bill, froze and locked eyes with me. “You fucker. She’s the copper dragon,” Bill says.

That reveal was supposed to be a big thing later, so I’m kinda on the spot. Fortunately, another player, Fran, pipes up and says, “nah, that’s stupid. The dragon in the mountain is a red herring. We’re here for the cultists.” The cultists were in the sewer and the PCs were actually working for the cleric Big Bad without them knowing.

“No, listen,” Bill continued. “Red hair. Greedy. Bad jokes… Her name is Allie Cohol.”

Everyone around the table gives him a fairly blank look, but I’m sweating bullets. Threads that I had spun oh so carefully were half a heartbeat away from unraveling. Bill is getting this real wild look in his eyes and pounds a fist against the table. “Allie Cohol. HER NAME IS ALCOHOL.”

Fran then slowly pans over and looks me dead in the eyes. “The deadly joke ability. She’s a goddamn dragon.”

this is beautiful

(via patroclvss)

dimir-charmer:

dimir-charmer:

dimir-charmer:

dimir-charmer:

dimir-charmer:

dimir-charmer:

dimir-charmer:

James Tiberius “sunk all his points into improvised weaponry and bluff” Kirk, space bard.

Commander “charisma is a dump stat” Spock, space wizard

Lieutenant “wait, can we use supplemental materials for this?” Sulu, space duelist

Lieutenant  Nyota“lockpick and detect trap are literally always useful skills guys come on” Uhura, space theif

Lieutenant Commander Montgomery “definitely going to blow the party up with that flask of Greek fire” Scott, space alchemist.

Ensign Pavel “Does not know how to tank” Chekov, Barbarian

And finally, to round out the party, Leonard “I can’t believe not a single one of you motherfuckers took a single rank in healing, I should pick rogue just to spite you,” McCoy, space cleric.

(via youfightlikemysister)

fialleril:
“ morgynleri:
“ rebelsofshield:
“ ninastestanin:
“ christmas-type-furret:
“ This is literally the most bomb-ass D&D story I’ve ever read in my life oh my god.
”
Holy shit ._.
”
Some RP sessions have better stories than actual fiction. I...

fialleril:

morgynleri:

rebelsofshield:

ninastestanin:

christmas-type-furret:

This is literally the most bomb-ass D&D story I’ve ever read in my life oh my god.

Holy shit ._.

Some RP sessions have better stories than actual fiction. I mean, goddamn.

@elegantmess-southernbelle

@lightningandstarlight

(Source: 420bootywizard69)

kaijuslayer:

Let me tell you about one of my high school friends’ old Dungeons and Dragons PCs.

Olaf Olafson was your pretty straightforward Northman Barbarian type. Huge, strong, pale, red-haired and with a tremendous beard. What made Olaf special was the little things.

Despite living in a world with clerical magic, demons, and other powerful alignment-based Outsiders, Olaf was an atheist. This was because his people believed the last world had already ended and the gods went with it (basically post-Ragnarok). All that was left were ‘spirits’. Powerful spirits. Who could grant deific magic. But they weren’t gods, and you didn’t have to worship them- in fact you shouldn’t, because it would just inflate their already swollen egos.

Despite being an enormous, frightening, powerful man with dubious hygeine and a propensity for going literally berserk in combat, Olaf was a gentle fellow in towns and villages, had a deep fondness for small fluffy animals and children, and was a generous tipper.

Olaf liked to drink. Not mead, but wine. He liked to sip it. It made him feel ‘civilized’. He never drank it quickly enough to get drunk. His meals almost invariably consisted of “Wine. Meat. Cheese.” Which was what he would order in literally every tavern. They’d ask him to clarify, what sort of wine? What sort of meat? What sort of- Olaf would raise a hand and repeat, slowly, as if to a fool: “Wine. Meat. Cheese.” 

Olaf spoke broken common, more or less Hulk-speak, referred to himself in the third person almost exclusively, all that fun stuff. Then we had a story arc where I sent them up to Olaf’s homeland, where everyone spoke ‘Northman’ or whatever the hell I called it. While up there, he was incredibly fluent. Even poetic. “My brothers! I have returned from the decadent lands of the south, bearing riches and glory, and tales of great deeds!” The other players caught on and talked like a pack of movie Frankensteins, barely able to communicate in the foreign tongue.

For a long time, Olaf was the most financially stable member of the party. Because he bought a tavern in their home-base-town, hired the senior barmaid/waitress lady to be the manager, and funneled the profits back into the business. He kept his adventuring money and his tavern money separate, except when he would sometimes spend adventuring money to expand the tavern. 

 There’s not a lot to do in 3rd edition with skill ranks when you’re a barbarian, so eventually Olaf sank a point into Healing on a lark. A few sessions later, they captured an important enemy NPC, but he’d lost an arm in the fighting and was about to die. Their cleric had been captured and their NPC paladin wasn’t around, either. There was no magical healing available, and no one else had any ranks in healing. The dude was about to die, and take with him the knowledge of where their friends had been taken. Olaf- with a  single rank in Healing I remind you -offered to save his life in exchange for the location, and the guy agreed. Olaf then stuck a sword in the fire, said “Olaf see this once,” and cauterized the wound.

It worked, of course. I didn’t even make him roll. I was too busy trying not to piss myself laughing. “Olaf see this once.” Jesus Christ.

(via amusewithaview)

theliteraryluggage:

strawberryorange:

core-chara:

ojohierro:

omfgheatherrr:

@ojohierro you’ll enjoy this I think

Indeed, this is exactly the sort of content I like to see on my dash.

Oh, D&D divine treasure.

These are perfect

These are hilarious :D I love the Sorcerer one, perfect for Lessandero. 

BUT do I have a story about the Cleric

We just started a new campaign a while ago where our characters were forced into a team against their will. And the Cleric is of a religion that condemns all beings that aren’t human or maybe elvish as evil, godless creatures from hell who don’t deserve to live. That goes doubly, of course, for tieflings. Well, guess what I’m playing?

My tiefling rogue was very tempted to just stab him and get on with it, but there were Circumstances preventing us from killing each other. Just killing each other. No one said anything about being nice.

So, of course, the Cleric keeps insulting and cursing me, and the group’s Dragonborn as well, and telling us we deserve to die and what foul creatures we are etc, leading to him being regularly punched in the face.

Now but it wasn’t until our first fight - and keep in mind we were all still level 1 at this point, leaving us with all of 8-11 hit points - that we realized FUCKING BASTARD CLERIC IS OUR HEALER. So even if he was gonna heal us in the first place (which is doubtful, seeing as we don’t deserve to live), he sure as hell wouldn’t after we kept threatening him and punching him in the face.

Thankfully the elf was the only one getting seriously hurt, but we still had to force him practically at knife point to heal her. 

This is gonna be a fun campaign yet.

(Source: jobe00, via bronzedragon)

littleblueartist:

pistachi0n:

hybridzizi:

from-porn-to-puppies:

hybridzizi:

comparativelysuperlative:

I never leave the house without my collection of magic items:

KEYS—allow walking through walls at predefined locations.

GLASSES— remove one disability.

WALLET—can be converted into practically anything, up to a finite total monetary value.

PANTS—vastly decrease risk of getting arrested.

SHOES–allow walking over surfaces which are too hot or rough.

BOOK-allows temporary travel to alternate reality

PURSE–increases the number of items that can be carried at once.

COAT-allow survival at below freezing temperatures.

COFFEE- gives temporary stamina and perception increase

PHONE- allows communication with preset collection of individuals over any distance.

(via littlestartopaz)

Tags: i love it dnd

shirtblr:

Shirt Neutrality by Wingfeather (on tees here)

(via windsroad)