tim drake’s snapchat is 90% him making bruce wayne do normal middle-class american things and filming the results. popular youtube compilations include the one where they’re at denny’s at two in the morning and tim keeps trying to get bruce to order a moon over my hammy just so he’ll have to say it, the one where they’re at disneyworld and bruce gets increasingly frazzled culminating in him actually physically picking up gaston for reasons no one can entirely recall, and everyone’s favorite series “bruce wayne doesn’t understand walmart”
having thought about it the best part is probably when a pranking fails because bruce has such a bizarre patchwork of knowledge/skills and it does not occur to him to hide most of it. tim puts a ghost pepper in bruce’s food but bruce just eats it like nothing is wrong. the same thing happens with the chocolate-covered crickets. it turns out bruce can lick his own elbow. bruce can lasso a runaway robot lawnmower like it’s a calf at a rodeo. whenever tim expresses shock that bruce knows how to do something he says “i did go to college, tim” as if that explains anything and it becomes a meme. whenever anyone does something fucking absurd it just gets tagged “i did go to college, tim”.
The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.
The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]
“Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.”
“Ask Alfred.”
→→→
“It’s a surprise for Alfred.”
“You can’t surprise Alfred.”
“Bruce, please.”
→→→
“It’s not a matter of permission, I’m saying you literally can’t surprise Alfred.”
→→→
[he hates when i say that]
“Bruuuuce.”
“No.”
“This is bullroar.”
Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.
→→→
[oh no now we’ll be here all day]
“—either curse or don’t, just commit one way or the other instead of—”
→→→
The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.
“Can I drive?”
“No.”
→→→
[after this he took away my music privileges]
Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, “Sandstorm” by Darude.
→→→
“I’ll play something different this time.”
“You had your chance and you blew it on a meme.”
→→→
[SJGJDH;FUKC 😂😂😂]
“I’m boooored.”
“Hi, bored,” Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. “I don’t give a shit.”
The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.
→→→
The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. “Can I get a trampoline?” he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.
“We have three trampolines.”
“But I want that one.”
→→→
They were in the chip aisle. “Have you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?”
“I am a person. I eat food for people.”
→→→
The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.
“We’re not getting those.”
“We need to get sour cream, too.”
“No.”
“You’ll love it.”
“No.”
→→→
Tim had put the seatbelt of the cart’s seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.
“I thought you were getting something for Alfred.”
“I’m getting groceries while we’re here.”
“None of this is food.”
→→→
[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]
Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.
“—costs extra to not waste food?”
“It’s Walmart.”
“Even taking into account the economies of scale—”
→→→
[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]
“—it just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they don’t go bankrupt in the—”
→→→
[i think he’s buying a pickle company??]
Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.
→→→
[lmao he did]
Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.
“—the business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if you—”
→→→
Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.
“Absolutely not.”
→→→
Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.
“I bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.”
“Your lies demean us both, Tim.”
→→→
Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.”
“Then why are you acting confused?”
“Why does Thomas the Tank Engine—”
→→→
[🌈🌈🌈]
Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.
“—disturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.”
“Yeah,” Tim agreed. “What about the gay babies?”
“I can’t tell if you’re joking but I’m unironically concerned.”
→→→
[gotham pride]
The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.
“Who you texting it to?”
“Friend in Metropolis.”
“Metropolis sucks.”
“Yes. Yes it does.”
→→→
[no escape]
The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.
→→→
[???]
Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.
→→→
[i’ll strike while he’s distracted]
Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile he’d already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.
→→→
[busted]
While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.
→→→
[he’s gonna get a fish]
Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, “These fish are very unhealthy.”
→→→
[HE’S BUYING ALL THE FISH]
The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.
“We’re here to save you,” Tim stage-whispered to it.
→→→
Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.
“—if I bought some tanks — they’re much too small but as a temporary measure — we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.”
“Maybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?” one young man suggested.
→→→
The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.
“—for trying to unionize is completely against the law,” Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.
“At-will employment,” one woman said.
“We’d have to prove that was why they fired us,” someone clarified. “Otherwise they can say it was for no reason.”
“You’re shitting me.”
→→→
“—fucking with my hours hoping I’ll quit.”
“What? Why?”
“If they fired me, they’d have to pay unemployment.”
“That’s why they won’t let me work full-time.”
“What the fuck.”
→→→
[omg he’s stealing the employees now]
“—in Gotham, but there’s more opportunities outside of manufacturing if you’re willing to move.”
“Wait, so do you mean like for management?”
“No, no, that’s the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. We’re all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.”
“So if I—”
→→→
The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.
“You painted this?” Bruce asked. She nodded. “That’s fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery — actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend who’d really love this, if you don’t mind me making some calls for you.”
→→→
Four more employees had joined the menagerie.
“—almost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.” Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. “Employee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.”
→→→
[trying to crush the revolution]
The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.
→→→
[THEY CALLED THE COPS]
Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.
“The manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldn’t stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.”
→→→
[WE’RE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER]
Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.
→→→
Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.
“They’re small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? I’m not suggesting you already know them, I’m well aware you don’t personally know every single fish—”
→→→
“Either you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesn’t matter where I found them.”
→→→
[i’m not allowed near toxic waste]
Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruce’s face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.
“I’m keeping this one,” Tim said.
“Fine.”
“If I drop him in toxic waste do you think he’ll get powers?”
“We’ve already had this discussion.”
→→→
[the pettiest man in gotham]
Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.
“Yeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Market’s doing good, we’ll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while it’s under construction? A really big billboard.”
→→→
“First of all, if it’s in writing, it’s libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders aren’t defamatory. What’s the most they could even sue me for? See, that’s nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it's—”
→→→
Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruce’s face would be in the shot. “Bruce, look! You’re a pretty pretty princess!”
Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. “I’m always a pretty princess,” he said seriously.
→→→
[he picked the music this time]
Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasn’t any irony.
→→→
[i named him wally]
The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.
i really am a “text me if you need something” person. like unless i have something specific to talk about, i don’t usually initiate a conversation. if you wanna talk just to talk then im all here but dont take me not hittin you up as me not caring.
“writers always know exactly where they are going with their work!”
r u sure
“no writer does anything by mistake, it’s all very strategic”
r u sure
“they use symbolism in everything. for example, a simple sentence symbolises directness and-”
R U SURE
Okay listen, just LISTEN, there are totally times when everything has Meaning, like Methods of Inheritance, which is rattling around my Tumblr somewhere. Literally everything has Meaning and Symbolism because one does not simply write faeries without that.
But like 99.997% of the time I am making everything up every step of the way.
one of the most annoying things is making OCs cause like, i’ll develop their character and design but slowly they become their own thing entirely and i’m just holding the scraps of who they were supposed to be and instead they’re basically running away naked across a field while flipping me the bird
Okay so I just saw Hamilton yesterday and I’m still kind of in shock of the fact that I actually saw it but I’m gonna tell you guys as much as I can about it. Alright here we go!
•Only 34 of the 46 songs on the album are listed in the Playbill
•It doesn’t include Aaron Burr, Sir, A Winter’s Ball, The Story of Tonight (Reprise), Meet Me Inside, Guns and Ships, What Comes Next?, Cabinet Battle #1, Cabinet Battle #2, I Know Him, We Know, Stay Alive (Reprise), and Best of Wives and Best of Women
•Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story is called Finale in the Playbill
•There was a buttload of applause everytime a new main character was introduced
•In Alexander Hamilton, when Christopher Jackson says “moved in with a cousin, the cousins committed suicide” ensemble member Gregory Haney (I think) stands on a chair center stage and pretends to hang himself
•In Aaron Burr, Sir, when Burr says “talk less” he does little hand movements with it
•All of the beat boxing during the rap sections for Laurens, Lafayette, and Mulligan is just Hercules banging his fist on the table. During his verse, John takes over
•In My Shot, when Hamilton says “Mr. Lafayette hard rock like Lancelot” he points at himself with a super proud face on
•When Hamilton says “I think your pants look hot” Hercules puts his foot on the bench and swipes back his coat Michael Jackson style to reveal his lovely pants
•Later in the song when they do the “woah woah wooooooooooah…” the Schuyler sisters and some other people are on the bridge and with each “woah” they do a cool mechanical arm thing
•In The Story of Tonight Hamilton says “and when our children tell our story” the person on stage left (I don’t remember if it’s Lafayette of Mulligan) just looks really shocked like he never even thought about having kids
•In The Schuyler Sisters after Burr’s introduction Peggy comes onstage first stomping around like a tiny child and it’s really cute. Throughout the song she gets dragged around by her sisters because she’s a child who cannot be trusted
•At the end of the first chorus and the beginning of when Burr talks again, the rotating stage spins slowly and the sisters all walk in the opposite direction so it looks like they’re actually going somewhere and it’s super cool
•In Farmer Refuted Mulligan says “oh my god, tear this dude apart” to Hamilton and massages his shoulders like a wrestling coach which makes him start walking over to Seabury to speak his mind
•Then Aaron says “let him be” and Hamilton backs down, still looking kind of upset
•After that, Mulligan goes over to him and pats him on the back as a silent prompt to say something to Seabury. Aaron doesn’t see it so he thinks he won’t say anything
•When Alex finally starts talking over Seabury (who’s standing on a little footstool) he just looks really shocked and offended
•Burr is also kind of shocked because he didn’t think Hamilton would do it since he talked to him
•After a little bit, Seabury moves his footstool in front of Hamilton but he steps in front of it
•Then Hamilton gets up on the footstool with Seabury and he’s just so disheveled at this point it’s great
•In You’ll Be Back, everyone has left the stage by the time his song starts and he’s decked out in the entire outfit
•Rory O’ Malley is really good so don’t by salty if you’re seeing him and not one of the other three Georges
•In Right Hand Man when Ham goes “they’re battering down the battery check the damages…etc” He’s walking downstage and Mulligan just follows him for no other reason than to go “brrrrrah”
•When Burr is trying to talk to Washington and then Hamilton comes in, he’s like “as I was saying…” to try and continue the conversation and then G. Wash is just like “close the door on your way out” and Burr’s face just drops
•During Helpless Jasmine and Anthony keep sneaking around and doing cute couple stuff and it’s adorable
•They dabbed in the show. Twice.
•The first time is in Helpless when Hamilton gets the okay from Phillip Schuyler to marry Eliza and he does a happy dance ending in a dab
•In the beginning of Satisfied, John Laurens is just super duper drunk while he’s talking and it makes me laugh but it’s also really sad because it’s kind of a reference to him also loving Hamilton
•Then when they do the whole rewind thing, they actually rewind all of the choreography and lighting cues to get back to that might and it looks SO COOL
•A lot of the stage direction in Satisfied is the same as it was in Helpless which is to be expected but it’s still so crazy to actually watch
•At the end of Satisfied when they go back to the toast, Angelica’s entire attitude is really strained like she wants to be happy but she just can’t
•The pelvic thrust that the gang does is in The Story of Tonight (Reprise) and it starts when Mulligan says “to the newly not poor of us” and he starts the thrust, then Lafayette joins in, and finally Laurens
•Laurens’ voice just completely changes when he says “on the siiiiiiide, Burr” and it’s hilarious
•Aaron goes “she’s married to a British officer” and Alex just goes “oh shit” and it’s completely there and he doesn’t fade away when he says it or anything it’s great
•The choreography in Wait for it is really simple and beautiful and there’s only ever light on Burr
•The first time Ariana DeBose is the bullet is when you hear the gunshot at the beginning of Stay Alive because a British soldier tried to shoot Hamilton but he’s hunched over a letter so the bullet (Ariana) goes right over his head
•Charles Lee is usually played by John Rua which I didn’t know
•Thayne Jasperson is the doctor in all of the duels
•In Meet Me Inside John Laurens says “I’m satisfied” but he still tries to fight Lee and Hamilton has to hold him back
•When Washington says “thank you for your service” he takes off his hat and bows super deeply
•Pippa’s annunciation in That Would Be Enough is On Point™
•At the end of Guns and Ships G. Wash sends a letter to Hamilton and as he’s singing, the letter is taken from the stage right side of the bridge all the way to the left and down the stairs to Hamilton where he reads it and journeys to Washington
•The entirety of History has its Eyes on You is Washington talking to Hamilton
•Laurens killing the British soldier in Yorktown is so great I love it
•The dance sequence in Yorktown is just sO FREAKING AMAZING
•In What Comes Next? People are still exiting the stage from Yorktown and King George keeps running into them with a disgusted look on his face
•King George only has his fun coat robe thingy on in his first song. After that, it’s gone and he becomes more distressed and disheveled with each song that he does
•The setup for Dear Theodosia starts with Burr taking a chair on ½ stage right and standing behind it while he sings in the only pool of light onstage
•When Hamilton starts singing he brings his own chair onstage and stands behind it in the same way as Burr. The light switches to him and it goes out on Burr as he sits down in the chair
•Once Burr starts singing again his light goes back on and Alex sits in his chair
•JOHN LAURENS’ DEATH KILLED ME IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I CRIED DURING THE SHOW AND IT WAS THE SADDEST THING EVER YOU GUYS I DIED
•When Hamilton and Burr are having their midnight conversation in Non-Stop Burr is stage right and the light coming from behind him looks like he opened a door it’s cool
•When Angelica says “don’t forget to write” she’s standing on the outer circle and it rotates away from Alex like she’s going across the ocean and Eliza’s on a different part of the circle so when Angelica rotates away, she rotates to him and it’s really cool
•At the very end of What’d I Miss? Jefferson does a weird flappy arm thing and prances in a wide circle which is why Hamilton does a smaller version of it in Cabinet Battle #1
•G. Wash is a quality MC
•When Hamilton says “while you were off gettin’ high with the French!” Madison gets a coughing fit and has to sit down which causes Ham to turn his debating attention towards him
•There’s an actual piano onstage for Take a Break
•ELIZA’S MATERNAL BEATBOXING OH MY GOD IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL
•Angelica and Eliza are super cute together during this song and I love them both so much because they’re super sister-y it’s great
•In Say No to This, part of the set is three lampposts spread out evenly across the outer rotating circle. At the end of the song, Maria, Alexander, and Mr. Reynolds were all standing on the outer rotating circle in roughly the same spots as the lampposts which was really cool
•James Reynolds is wearing a goddamn cowboy hat
•When Hamilton says “stop crying, goddamit, get up” Maria is actually on her knees begging
•The yes exchange between Ham and Maria near the end of the song are supposedly them having sex which makes a lot of sense but she’s literally sitting on his lap and he’s like feeling her up it’s super sexual
•At the end of Say No to This as James Reynolds is walking offstage, he claps his hands once and then Maria looks at him and starts to follow him off, then looks back one more time before exiting. It’s one of the main contributors to me that he was very controlling in the relationship
•When Hamilton says “talk less” in The Room Where it Happens he imitates Burr’s hand movements as well as his voice
•In Washington on your Side, Burr starts the song looking in the direction that Hamilton just went and Jefferson is pretty much like “who the fuck is this boy right here?”
•Madison doesn’t enter for the song until he has to talk and when he does, he’s saying “which I wrote” to some person offstage that we can’t see
•During most of the song there are just spotlights on each of the Southern Motherfuckin’ Democratic Republicans but every time they say “OH” in the song, all of the lights flash for a second and then go away so it’s just the spotlights again
•In I Know Him, Ariana DeBose whispers the name John Adams to King George from kind of far away so he goes “what.” And then she whispers it again so that he can hear it
•I Know Him ends with George sitting on a stool down stage right
•He doesn’t leave until the middle of The Adam’s Administration so in the beginning he’s trying to dance to the song from his stool but it’s in such a different style so it’s hilarious
•Leslie Odom Jr. started laughing when he looked at King George III during the song but he had to keep singing
•In We Know, Jefferson goes “my god” and the expression on his face is so great
•The lighting in Hurricane looks like an ocean and on the outer rotating circle you can see all of the things that happened to Hamilton before he came to America it’s super cool
•In The Reynolds Pamphlet, Hamilton is sitting at his desk center stage while Jefferson is reading out loud down center stage facing the audience and Philip is between them facing his father upstage
•About halfway through Jefferson’s reading, Philip backs into him and they switch places. T. Jeffs hands Lil’ Ham a pamphlet and continues to read it over his shoulder with a grin on his face (he makes sure to point out the “most of them in my own house” part). When he’s done reading, he sends Philip on his way where he looks up at his dad and walks offstage with his head hung low
•T. Jeffs is just bouncing up and down on Hamilton’s desk during the song I don’t know how he bounces so much
•Daveed Diggs as Thomas Jefferson is super bouncy
•There are a lot of happy dances in the show
•Like
•A lot of happy dances
•FUCKING BURN HOLY SHIT THAT WAS THE SECOND TIME I CRIED IN THE SHOW
•When Eliza set the letters on fire I was just bawling my eyes out I was a fucking mess during a lot of the second act
•When Philip talks to Eaker during the show there’s an actual show being performed center stage that pauses during their conversation and resumes when it’s over
•George Eaker is a piece of shit.
•George Eaker is a piece of shit.
•I want to strangle George Eaker with my bare hands
•There are sound effects during Stay Alive (Reprise) of blood gushing from a wound and it’s horrifying
•Whenever Philip tries to talk you can hear how much pain he’s in and Anthony Ramos’s acting is so amazing
•Stay Alive (Reprise) was the third time I cried
•Eliza’s scream at the end made me want to curl up into a ball and die
•It’s Quiet Uptown also made me cry
•The lighting completely blacked out center stage during the whole song which made it look like a chasm
•When Madison says “please” in The Election of 1800 he’s wiping his eyes with a handkerchief and it’s so sweet
•Burr hears what everyone is saying about each of the presidential candidates and when the guys say “like you could grab a beer with him” he’s like “yes” but he doesn’t actually say it and he’s does a little fist thingy
•The second dab is in The Election of 1800 when Hamilton promotes Jefferson instead of Burr and he does his own happy dance involving a dab
•While Hamilton’s talking, Burr and Jefferson are standing on different sides of the stage. Burr has a really excited smile and Jefferson has a smug-ass grin
•When Hamilton says “Jefferson has my vote” Burr’s smile slowly turns into a really angry face
•In Your Obedient Servant, Burr sends one paper as his letter. What he gets back from Hamilton is at least five pieces of paper and Burr just looks at them like “good lord Hamilton writes too goddamn much”
•"This man will not make an orphan of my daughter" broke me and I cried for the fourth time during the show
•Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story was just me attempting to process everything that had happened
If you guys have any questions about the show feel free to ask me! My inbox is always open!
I am broke as shit, so I’m writing my best friend smut of my characters for her birthday present (which is WAY belated). A-yup. This is where I’m at with my life. She’s a good person to put up with me. I don’t even write particularly good smut.
my pet peeve are fic summaries with something deep and obscure that not only tell me nothing about the story but dont MEAN anything theyre just words like
‘When lost eyes lock onto a summer’s shadow, will love make it in the end?? [content warnings]: anal fisting ‘
