Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

amatalefay:

pepemclean:

lesbill:

gaybillpotts:

AN EPISODE WHERE BILL AND THE DOCTOR GO BACK IN TIME TO MEET SAPPHO

SAPPHO WROTE POEMS ABOUT BILL 100%

OK YOU KNOW HOW A LOT OF SAPPHO’S POEMS ARE ABOUT APHRODITE
WHAT IF SAPPHO LITERALLY THOUGHT BILL WAS SO BEAUTIFUL THAT SHE WAS THE GODDESS APHRODITE

“Oh. My God. Oh my God. That’s her! That’s - that’s the original. The original Lesbian, I mean proper Lesbian. The Mother Gay. Oh, God. Oh, God, what am I even gonna say?”

“Your brother Charaxis may be under the hypnotic influence of his alien mistress might be a good start.”

“Can you even imagine what was like to read her when I was a fifth-former?” Bill continued. “Like, finally it wasn’t some bloke whining about why some beautiful girl won’t give him sex, it was ‘sweet mother, I’m too gay to do my chores, blame Aphrodite’ like, honestly? Most relatable thing I’ve read in years.”

“Bill-”

“God, what I wouldn’t give to hear an actual completed poem.”

“Bill-”

“Seriously, what was up with the fragment that was just ‘soda’? Like, did it mean the same thing, or - ?”

“Bill, she’s staring at you.”

And she was. Like a figure out of a painting, white chiton against dark arms, hands hovering above the strings of her lyre, fingertips gently rested on the frame. She was biting her lower lip, and the look in her eyes was one Bill knew immediately - the panicked, exhilarated look of an actual goddess is walking the earth, right now, and holy mother of Zeus am I gay or am I gay?

“Oh my God,” Bill said again, eyes wide. “I’m the original lesbian.”

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

wizardlyvassal:

baeddelshinsgirl:

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor.

That would make him the Centaur for Disease Control.

*sigh*

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

pedanticlecturer:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

ok, but like odysseus’s player was definitely the asshole who fucks up every plot point homer wanted to introduce into the story. agamemnon accidentally orders everybody to go home and the troops are about to set sail? odysseus’s diplomacy modifier says otherwise. some asshole’s trying to provoke mutiny and desertion in the ranks? an intimidate check makes it not a problem. they’re losing battle after battle? stealth check into the enemy camp and straight up sneak attack the sleeping trojan allies to death. achilles is dead and the war is all but lost? FUCK YOU my giant wooden horse and my bluff beg to differ. 

when it comes time for odysseus to play his solo campaign, the DM just rubs his hands together ominously and laughs.

daybreak57:

itsalburton:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: You spot your enemy in battle. What do you do?
Paris’ player: I fire an arrow at him, ignoring his armor. *rolls a 6 for accuracy*
Homer, the DM: You hit him where he has no armor, but in a non-vital area.
Achilles’ player: Damage done?
Paris’ player: *rolls a natural 20, gets a 4 point bonus from Rage*
Homer, the DM: Lethal.
Achilles’ player: Fuck…

Homer, the DM: Alright, your wife’s suitors are attempting to string your bow. *rolls behind screen a few times* A few of them fail miserably.

Odysseus’s player: Alright, let me try. I pick up the bow.

Homer, the DM: The suitors begin laughing and jeering at you. Give me a strength check.

Odysseus’s player: *rolls nat 20*

Homer, the DM: You string the bow. Thunder booms. A cat dies in a nearby house. One of the suitors busts a nut. Your glamour is starting to wear off.

Odysseus’s player: As my glamour wears off, I shoot an arrow through all three hoops at the target. *rolls nat 20*

Homer, the DM: The arrow flies through the hoops and skewers the target. The suitors notice your glamour wear off and are terrified. None of them have ever seen you in person, though, so none of them recognise you.

Odysseus’s player: Alright, I shoot them.

Homer, the DM: Shoot who?

Odysseus’s player: The suitors.

Homer, the DM: Which ones?

Odysseus’s player: *pauses for a second* Yes.

(via beauty-nova)

thealienonbroadway:

parzifalsjudgment:

achillvs:

garnetthefirst:

dusty-purple:

I just love the myth of Persephone, i mean the real, original version of it, because it’s not like she got kidnapped, no, this bitch was la-de-da-ing in a meadow and she just happened to find an entrance to the Underworld and she was like “Imma check this out”. And she just wanders into the Underworld and discovers that hey this place ain’t too bad.

Meanwhile Hades is in the background “????? UM??? PRETTY GIRL??? WHY ARE YOU HERE?????? YOU AREN’T DEAD???” 

And Persephone (who was originally called Kore just a little fyi) just looked at him and said “I like it here. I’m staying.”

And Hades kinda just went with it, until Demeter started throwing the temper tantrum of the millenium upstairs and Zeus had to intervene because this shit was getting out of hand and its actually his job to be admistrator of justice. Which considering the shit he gets up to is kinda histerical but that’s another story there. 

And basically Persephone wasn’t a prisoner or kidnap victim at all she just really loved the Underworld and her (eventual) husband, and the Greeks feared her arguably more than her husband because Hades could be reasoned with but Persephone was the one laying the smack down on sinners, and really, who wouldn’t be at least a little scared of someone who’s name means something along the lines of “the destroyer”

Basically, Persephone is amazing and everbody needs to get on her level

i think the best part of that myth is that Zeus decided to change Kore’s name to Persephone (basically “the one who brings chaos”) only because she wanted to stay in the underworld and SHE WOULDN’T FUCKING LISTEN then Zeus, all-mighty king of the gods, kinda gives up and goes “fine, but you’re going to visit your mom” “also, I changed your name” “get rekt”

Also, if I’m not mistaken, Kore means “little girl” so imagine going from that to “chaos bringer”

I mean, going from little girl to chaos bringer sounds like a p solid deal to me, sign me up.

This may not be the version of the myth that’s commonly known and taught. But is is the original, from before it was altered to scare Greek/Roman girls into submission. Persephone was a badass bitch.

(via slyrider)

not-fun:

jar0fstars:

badwolfcos:

radioactivemoose:

so for some reason hershey’s thinks that golden apples would be great to sell as valentine’s candy

so i got one and wrote this on top:

and left it on a table in the studio

less than five minutes later people were fighting about it

my plan has thus far been a success

Paris you little shit

And now we know Eris works for Hershey’s.

oh my god i love you brilliant nerds

(via skymurdock)

systlin:

helloitsbees:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

Homer, the DM; “Ok seriously guys they’re not going to fall for the giant horse.”

Odysseus’ player; “I just rolled a nat 20 on my deception check.”

Homer, the DM; “What the fuck.”

(via skymurdock)