I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.
They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.
Imagine coming to a hostile alien world and being attacked by a horde of creatures that can weigh up to 3 tons, run at 30 km/h (19 mph), and bite with a force of 8,100 newtons (1,800 lbf).
By the time you realise that they can traverse water, it’s too late. The surviving members of your unit manage to make it back by shedding their excess gear and running for their lives; the slower ones were crushed to death within minutes.
You later describe the creature to one of the humans you captured, wanting to know the name of the monstrosity that will haunt your nightmares for cycles to come.
The human smiles as it speaks a single word, slowly and distinctly, in its barbaric tongue.
“Hippopotamus.”
This is giving me the biggest, creepiest grin I might have ever grinned
alien soldier: *heavy breathing* holy shit………….HOLY SHIT DUDE DO NOT SIGN UP FOR THE AUSTRALIA UNIT
Attention mission command: the herbivorous quadruped known as “moose” is not so benign as anticipated. One alone has besieged our camp and crushed our instruments, out of no perceived sense of malice but for that with which it was born and an unfortunate desire to eat windfall fruit. Human captive insists there is no plural for this “moose” because one alone is plenty.
Attention mission command: the heat from our instruments appears to attract a highly irritable reptile. It produces a sound from its terminal end, but no attempts at communication have been successful. Its bite is deadly.
Attention mission command: we must be more thorough with our attempts to expunge life on this planet. We have encountered a small arthropod which presents like unto a creature from an artist’s nightmare, with pincers in the fore and a sting at the aft, and entirely too many eyes. They seem to possess a singular malevolence in their propensity for entering our protective wear and our sleeping units. Please advise.
Attention mission command: the canid known as “coyote” exhibits intelligence, pack-hunting behaviour, and a desire to devour our young. Please advise.
Attention mission command: we have not received word regarding our recent missives. We have discovered a creature entitled “alligator” which the human prisoners claim has the highest bite force per square plengthron of any living animal. They move a great deal faster than expected. They drag their hapless prey to a watery death and rend their limbs by use of a grisly twisting motion. Please advise urgently.
Attention mission command: THIS IS A DISTRESS SIGNAL, ALL CHANNELS RESPOND. BEARS. BEARS. THE COLOUR OF THE BEAR IS IRRELEVANT. DO NOT APPROACH. QUADRANTS 1-5 AFFECTED BY BEARS AND MOOSE AND BITING FLIES, QUADRANTS 6-17 AFFECTED BY SHARKS, AND SEA JELLIES. QUADRANTS 18-22 AFFECTED BY SNAKES, SPIDERS, COUGARS (see also, puma, panther, mountain lion, missives 14A, 292L, 652D, and 788D-G), AND SCORPIONS, QUADRANTS 23-47 AFFECTED BY BUFFALO, COYOTES, WOLVES, AND UNTOLD MANY INSECTS, QUADRANTS 48-61 AFFECTED BY SNAKES AND SHARKS, QUADRANTS 62-87 AFFECTED BY SNAKES, COUGARS, ALLIGATORS, CROCODILES, ASSORTED ARTHROPODS. ABORT ALL ACTIVITIES. ABANDON ALL HOPE. THERE ARE DEADLY AMOEBAS IN THE WATER. PIGS AND BIRDS AND WORMS FEAST ON THE FLESH OF OUR DEAD. OUR ONE SOLACE IS THAT, WHEN THE HUMAN RACE WAS EXTERMINATED, IT WAS LIKELY A SMALL MERCY TO A RACE PLAGUED BY AN INHOSPITABLE WORLD AND AN UNCARING GOD. cease transmission.
(via windbladess)
