Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

shikarius:

shikarius:

shikarius:

shikarius:

Sometimes I like to think of myself as a Reasonable Adult who makes Reasonable Adult Decisions.

And then sometimes Amazon marketing figures out that I’m pretending

Adulting powers activate (I’m a little concerned about the Minions box)

Taste test result: Odinforce is far more fragrant and flavorful, though both are amazingly smooth for oral caffeine delivery systems. This is legitimately tasty coffee. I rarely take my coffee black because of the acidity, but these were surprisingly smooth (which is in line with a darker roast not necessarily meaning stronger coffee). I wish they sold the whole roasted beans; I’d love to grind these up fresh. (THEY DO.) Dad likes the more flavorful Odinforce best while I’m more partial to the smoother Death Wish, but I’m very pleased with both.

Overall, I’d marry this coffee, probably.

Update: I think I’ve made a minor logistical error. I think you’re not meant to drink a cup and a half of each in the space of 10 minutes.

…I think I’m starting to feel colors.

The gates of Valhalla are open. Witness me.

(via littlestartopaz)

fleamontpotter:

diredesiretoaspiretodiehard:

fleamontpotter:

fleamontpotter:

just had a dream that I drank 40 litres of vodka, entered a horse race and won.

I should specify that I entered not as a jockey but as a horse

were you physically a horse or were you a human entering as a horse? did you have a jockey?

i was a human entering as a horse, no jockey, just me running like the fucking wind 

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

stardustfromvelaris:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

leontarius:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

waiteverybodyhide:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

devilshornrandom:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

mentallydobious:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

that-obnoxious-roommate:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

mentallydobious:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

hermionously:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

oceanstops:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

nightowlett:

humans-are-seriously-weird:

Hey all! Some of you are asking about the bear incident. I will tell you in due course, but for now ill give you a teaser

It involves a bear, a tree, and a lack of pants

Well I’d be worried if the bear was wearing pants…

To clarify. Im lacking pants

hopefully you’re fully equipped with as many pants as you need at this point in time, i’d be much more worried if you didn’t have any pants at all.

To clarify AGAIN: AT THE TIME OF THE BEAR INCIDENT I WAS LACKING PANTS

CURRENTLY I HAVE MANY PANTS AT LEAST 2 OK

Okay but did the tree have pants

THE BEAR HAD NO PANTS I HAD NO PANTS
AND THE TREE HAS MY PANTS OK

YOU WERE ROBBED BY A TREE???

…..maybe…..not exactly

As a non-native speaker I always wonder: pants as in two long tubes of fabric that go down to your ankles or pants as in the underwear.
Please tell me it’s the latter

I mean at that point it was both

A tree panty thief… i always knew trees were suspicious…

Wait, how does the bear fit in??

DAMMIT YOU GUYS

I WAS GONNA GIVE THIS ONE TO YOU LATER WITH PROPER THOUGHT AND WRINTING BUT NO YA’LL HAVE NO CHILL

BUCKLE UP FRIENDS YOU’RE IN FOR A WILD RIDE

Ok so i’m twelve. little twelve year old Rekina. I was a scout for most of my life, so the forest is like home to me ok. In a city i get super turned around, can’t find my way around to save my life 

but drop me in a forest? man ill have an entire camp set up and find my way out in less than a day ok im wilderness survivor exrtordinare

So i’m out camping with my troop. We’re big kids now so the adults dicthed us for our very own solo three day hike

let me just say that my troop didn’t like me. I was the quiet nerd kid who read alone in my tent and kicked everyones aass at lighting fires, when they all were sneaking in booze, peeping on girls, and failing to light fires

So one afternoon while i’m out hunting for supper (a task no one has succeeded at, they just wanted me out of the way. fools) i discover i severly have to pee. So i got ahead and prop mysef agaisnt a tree as you do

Now, when you’re a girl, you don’t get the lucury of just whipping it out and pissing on a mushroom ok you have to remove all clothing from the lower half and squat agsint a tree like a weight lifter

so im doing my thing, my pants around my ankles, when i hear the bushes near by rustling

Those fucking boys i swear im going to kick their asses if they’re spying on me

but im midstream and you don’t just stop midtsream ina  forest cause then you drip all over your under wear and its not fun

I get two more seconds of peaceful pee time 

BAM the bush fucking explodes 

i scream, and almost fall over because my legs are getting tired ok peeing in a forest is hard work for women let me get an amen

But its fine, i look over and it isn’t one of the boys

it’s a baby bear no threat to me

I continue about my buisness. 

wait

baby bear =

mama bear

Sure enouogh the second i think that she rears up from behind the bush

now this thing is gigantic im talking would knock an nba player away from the hoop and get a slam dunk with out even trying ok

huge

I don’t move. I;m racking my brain like ok what did the manual say to do what would indiana jones do shitshitshitshit well ok as long as it doesn’t see me im safe ill just wait for it to go away and make no noise

she looks over and roars

had i not already been peeing i would have pissed my pants

I was caught, literally, with my pants down.

I think its time to beat a hasty retreat i threw the manual and indiana jones out the window

id like to say i calmly made my escape, floating like a graceful ballerina

didnt happen

i waddled away like a psychotic penguin screaming and flailing and being decidedly ungraceful ok i would have made Mumble proud for how my my little feet were moving i was like a penguin tap star

I booked it, desperaty trying to pull up my pants so i can at least die not looking like Bert from mary poopins doing his ridiculous little dance

so im running for life, a big ass knife in my hand and i know i won’t be able to stab this thing 

or out run it

or out last it

i couldnt out anything it

but im good at climbing

I beeline for this massive oak and scramble up that thing like a penguin, squirel hybrid. I prop my self up on one f the high branches, stilling trying to pull up my pants, but that’s kind of hard while your ass is being tickled by fire ants

lets just say i took the short cut down

I plummeted face first out of the tree, screaming like a banshee

The bear screamed back andd ran away because when i say banshee i mean banshee ok i have the shriek of a dolphin on helium

suddenly im not falling. 

A branch had snagged my jeans and now i was dangling maybe ten feet of the ground by my pants

in a true, rekina, cliche move, i slip from the branch and crsh the ground completely unharmed (except for my bruise dignity) and somehow managed to not stab myself with my knife on the way down

on small problem

i left my pants in the tree. 

The branch had flung my three layers of pants three different ways

my underwear fluttered to the ground beside me like the graceful ballerina i wish i was

my long underwear was twisted around a branch not far above my head

and my jeans had been freaking rocketed into one of the highest branches, the bough too thin for me to climb

i so i put on my now fire ant infested under wear (after doing my best to clean them and quickly snag my long johns because i know one thing for certain

i still see baby bear

mama is coming back

I high tail it like i have never high tailed before ok i was hauling ass outta there

I sprint for a good minute or so when suddenly a brown blur shoot from he bush and im thinking oh shit ima dead man  so i do the only logcal thing because im going down fighting aint no bear gonna find me curled on the ground

i lashed out with my knife like a frickin knight in shining armour except im not a knight

and im in my under wear

and it wasn’t a bear

in my amazing survival stab the beast reflexes i didn’t notice how low to the ground i was aiming

i had stabbed a water rat

you can bet your ass im not wasting that meat

I scoop it up, its blood splatterd all over my face and strut back towards camp

i roll in there pantsless, covered in blood, dirt, and fire ant, grinning like a maniac

“I found supper”

none of the boys ever peeped on me again

How are you even still alive

I wish i knew

Mother fucker this is exactly why the aliens are never going to attack earth. A furious monster attacked a human youngling while as vulnerable as possible and the youngling not only survived, it also climbed a tree half naked, scared the monster away, and caught dinner for it’s pack members with a blade. Not to mention we’re all just chillin’. Laughing about a terrifying near death experience.

Story of my life bro (literally)

@dannyaches american scouts are freakin hardcore man…

Pal i be canadian we hardcore 🇨🇦 🍁

@space-australians

(via littlestartopaz)

bagofgroceries:

thebibliosphere:

Husband was looking for me all round the house so he could show me something he’d made but he couldn’t find me so he just shouted really loudly, “Fantasy and Sci-fi are the same genre!” and the rational part of my brain doing laundry was like “I’m not responding to a meme, wait where am I going—” as I ascended up the basements stairs like the wrath of god, and he just turned like “there you are” and I’m SO MAD THAT IT WORKED

this delights me

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

yay4hamlet:

yay4hamlet:

Did I ever tell you all about the time a kid in my high school literally pretended to drink a thing of Windex so the teachers would panic and send him to the hospital and he wouldn’t have to take the test

Alrighty here is the Windex Kid Story:

We had this HUGE test that day. There was a big party the night before and we were all so exhausted; I don’t think I’ve ever been in a more tired and unprepared class. I include myself in this, as I was making interval trips to the bathroom because I ate so much sugar the night before that I was throwing up the whole next day.
Needless to say, we didn’t want to do the test and literally looked and felt like zombies. Girls were crying, boys were laying on the floor sweating profusely. It was weird and gross.

So there was this boy, the Windex Kid. I think his name was Jed or something. He was this really quiet boy who always was reading and didn’t make much of an impression until The Day.
Five minutes before the test, in the cafeteria, he took the Windex bottle from the cleaning closest, emptied it and poured his blue Gatorade in it. Put it in his backpack and we went into the classroom, not really paying attention to what he did a minute prior.

It was all quite grand and not unlike a movie scene. The test is about to start. We all are ready to fail and our grades to crash for the semester. I’m ready to vomit again. Windex Kid stands up says in a loud voice “FUCK THIS TEST” and proceeded to drink the Gatorade out of the Windex bottle.

Naturally, it looks just Ike Windex and the teacher panics, thinking a kid just poisoned himself in her class. She calls 911 in a panic. The ambulance comes. We all get sent home early as he’s taken to the hospital where they would soon discover that all there was was Gatorade in his stomach.
He was a real hero; he took a bullet for the team. His legacy is still spoken about in that school, my younger brother confirms. Afterwards, he slipped back into oblivion and his books. His glimmer of fame vanished into the darkness, not unlike himself.

I still think about him sometimes and wonder what he’s doing with his life. I’m sure whatever it is, it’s fantastic.

(via windbladess)