Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

(Source: pandaaamonium14, via lathori)

seraphinabirch:

wicked-bitch-of-thewest:

kittenwicked:

tinyhousedarling:

hollowedskin:

beynanasplit:

karnythia:

curiouslyhigh:

madness-and-gods:

Yes kids, it’s easy.

yeah but just imagine an imp or lesser demon who takes pity on a young girl whose life was totally fucked over by overzealous parents, and who was alone because nobody wanted to befriend her.

imagine the demon seeing her crying alone while he’s possessing, like, a neighbor or something, and shambling up in the stiffly-working meat suit and sitting down and asking her what’s wrong. Imagine the little girl being afraid for a moment because people don’t usually walk like that, or talk to her, or ask her what’s wrong, before she just unleashes and lets the floodgates open. The demon is so stricken with grief for this little girl that once he gets over with his possession, he goes in his true form to her and plays whatever game she wants him to play.

Imagine that she’s finally happy and that the demon must go and so while she’s bidding a tearful farewell, the demon teaches her to summon him.

Imagine a little girl with her best friend, the lesser demon.

Now imagine her summoning him again and again through her life. To hang out. To get advice. Whatever. And one day when she summons him she’s crying. Because something bad happened. She won’t tell him what. She just wants his help to make sure nothing like that can ever happen again. She wants to be strong. He can help her with that so he does. Then she uses that power to become a superhero & he has to explain to higher level demons why she can wield brimstone but hasn’t sold her soul.

i really love tumblr sometimes because y’all make something that’s meant to be shitty and awful and horrible such as a demon and turn it into the most humanizing and empathizing piece of shit in the cutest possible way

And one day when the demon answers her summons expecting to hear about her latest exploits, he finds himself not in her house in front of the fireplace, or even in the woods out the back, but in a cold white hospital room.

She’s older now, mid 40s, he’s seen her grow from so small, but she tells him that she’s sick and there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better. That one day she won’t be able to call him anymore.

Her lesser demon is distraught, he knew she was mortal but he never expected this. Her clawless fingers have burrowed into his heart and in all his thousands of years of life he has never thought of what it would be like to lose someone, for real. To lose someone forever.

She tells him it will be ok, that it will stop hurting after a while, but he knows it’s wrong. Maybe for humans who always live with the knoweldge of their mortality, but not for him. He will never stop grieving her death.

He makes her promise to summon him every day from the hospital, and he returns to the planes of hell.
He cashes in every single debt he is owed over the past three millenea, ferreting out every favour he can.
He makes alliances, promises oaths in blood and barters his precious hoard of souls until finally he returns to her with an offer.

If she wants, she can leave her hospital bed, take his hand and follow him to the deepest circle of the underworld where she can be reforged into a demon too. She can live forever there, and find her own lost children on the surface, and he won’t have to lose his closest friend.

*openly weeps*

This was such a great little story!!

I actually cried a little omg

I’m actually crying a lot

same

(via yea-lets-do-this-shit)