Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

Anonymous asked: You're like...vodka tia Moran. It's neat

I am literally changing my description to vodka tia Moran, I have no idea what I did to earn this title but I immediately and unironically love it.

eggheademporium:

writing-prompt-s:

All the gods of myth and legend are real, but having your prayers answered depends on discovering which god can hear you. You figured out which god is listening to your prayers, but they’re not what you expected.

Suzy was dissapointed. Most people her age had discovered their deity so far, and she was starting to think she was godless. She turned the next page of McBayers’ Little Book of Deities, and tried reading their names aloud to see if she’d get a reaction. It had taken her weeks just to get through Chinese spirits and deities, and had finally reached the first page of Egyptian Gods and you.

“Ammit? Amun? Anhur?” Nothing. Her heart slowly sank again. Three more tries, and she’d stop for now.

“Anubis?”

The ground shook. The lights in Suzy’s room flickered and went out. A single flame hovered in the middle of the room, and as it grew to a blaze it changed form. Within the blink of an eye, there was a tall figure standing in Suzy’s room. The body of a man, and the head of a jackal. His eyes shone bright as he peered at her.

WHAT IS IT, SUZY OF THE HOUSE MILLER?

“You’re the deity that answers my prayers?”

INDEED. I, ANUBIS, WHO RULES OVER THE LAND OF THE DEAD, IS HERE TO ANSWER YOUR REQUESTS.

Suzy thought for a moment. “O great and mighty Anubis who rules over the afterlife, can I please have a puppy?”

Anubis seemed taken aback.

IN THE CENTURIES THAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYED TO, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN REQUESTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS. CHILD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

“I’m eight and a half. My mommy says that if I can take care of a puppy, I can keep it.”

ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU DO NOT WISH FOR ME TO BRING PLAGUES UPON YOUR ENEMIES OR WEIGH A SOUL FOR YOU?

Suzy shook her head. “I want a puppy.”

CHILD, IN TRUTH THIS WISH I CANNOT GRANT. MY JOB HAS BEEN TO BRING PEACE AND LEAD SOULS INTO THE AFTERLIFE, NOTHING MORE. IF I WERE TO CREATE A HOUND FOR YOU, IT WOULD BE FORMED OF BONE AND SOUL ALONE.

Suzy thought for a second. She would have liked to have a nice fluffy puppy, but then she remembered how Aunt Marge’s Sphinx cat was still nice, even without fur.

“No fur is fine, as long as they don’t bite and make a mess.”

Anubis nodded, and raised a hand. Underneath his palm an intricate symbol appeared on the floor. It glowed bright, and the floorboards burst apart. Up sprang a massive skeletal dog, bigger than suzy herself. Its eye sockets held blue flame, and its jaw hang partly open in a perpetual grin. It slowly walked over to Suzy and nuzzled her.

“What does it eat?”

IT WILL NOT NEED SUSTENANCE, AND WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO SERVE ITS NEW MASTER. I HOPE THIS WILL SUFFICE.”

“I love it. Thank you, Anubis.”

Anubis looked slightly taken aback, but nodded peacefully.

FAREWELL FOR NOW, SUZY OF THE MILLERS. IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE BUT TO ASK ME.

Suzy nodded, and ran over to her parents’ room to show them her new dog. She was pretty sure they couldn’t object to this pet.

(via keeperofthehens)

wildehacked:

things-with-teeth replied to your post: i don’t even go here, but your fave borgias…

I don’t even go here, but I want the 10k comedy of errors that leads to and from this point.

LOL

I realize that you probably meant this rhetorically, BUT I’m gonna tell myself a story about how this would go anyway: 

So the Pope would throw an absolute fit at the idea of Cesare’s assassin having congress with his precious daughter (who was just about to receive an offer of marriage from the Duke of Ferrara! The timing could not be worse!), and so he’d demand that Cesare either fire Micheletto or kill Micheletto. 

What Cesare actually does is get Micheletto out of Rome by promoting him. No longer an assassin-manservant, Micheletto is now a reluctant general of the papal armies. Cesare and Micheletto go tramping gleefully around the Romagna carving out new territory, and instead of demanding  new states for himself, Cesare cooly demands a barony for his loyal general. 

Baron Corella can have an affair with the Lady Lucrezia Borgia, even if His Holiness still doesn’t approve. 

AT THIS POINT Cesare and Micheletto return to Rome, where under the Pope’s disapproving eye Cesare and Lucrezia have to turn an illiterate murderer into a grudging, bitter courtier, at which point they UNDOUBTEDLY engage in more and more complex not-quite threesomes: 

-Cesare and Lucrezia hide their affair by pretending that Lucrezia and Micheletto are continuing their affair, which means that the entire Vatican wanders around like “what does the Lady Lucrezia–who famously chose her last husband because he was ‘sweet as apples’–see in this dead-eyed torturer with his peasant accent and his utter lack of graces?” 
-Lucrezia starts publicly showering Micheletto with affection, partially to keep up the facade and partially to goad Cesare, who is super jealous
-Cesare and Micheletto have super passionate sparring sessions that end with Cesare’s blade at Micheletto’s throat and intense prolongued eye contact and heavy panting and Micheletto arching ever so slightly into the metal 
-Micheletto very carefully reminds Cesare that he is into dudes, only dudes, just dudes 
-Cesare somehow ends up sucking Micheletto off in a confessional as a way to restore his wounded masculinity??? by proving that Micheletto IS more into him than he is into Lucrezia
-Lucrezia poisons a man with Micheletto’s help, which makes Cesare even more jealous
-threesomes with Extremely Complicated Rules emerge

eventually the pope decides Lucrezia has to marry Micheletto, which SHOULD solve all of their problems but winds up causing fifty more. 

eriezeru asked: What about founding fathers magic girls?

littlestartopaz:

peridootandthemagicalpoot:

raythrill:

it’s ok I hate myself as much as you hate me

also

@bobimeanlapis

@words-writ-in-starlight @buddhistmamaduck

archwrites:

fn-skywalker:

imagine if finn could have had bodhi as his mentor the way rey has luke??

bodhi who defected from the empire?? who would know what it’s like to have that guilt with you?? but also the hope?? to be a better person????

i’ve been cheated of a great relationship

“Ah, Finn,” General Organa says as he enters the room. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is General Rook.”

Finn looks at the slight man next to her. He could be any age from forty to sixty-five, with salt-and-pepper hair and deep lines bracketing his mouth. His eyes are striking: big and dark and evaluating. “Sir,” Finn says, and salutes.

General Organa raises her eyebrows. “Bodhi Rook,” she says, as if that name should mean something to Finn.

Finn shrugs helplessly. “I’m sorry, I don’t know,” he says.

“Why would you?” Rook says. “It’s not the sort of story the First Order would have wanted circulating.” He steps closer to Finn and gives him a slow, measured once-over. “I was an Imperial pilot. I smuggled out the original Death Star plans before the Battle of Yavin.”

Finn stares.

“And I’ll be in charge of debriefing you,” Rook continues. And then he smiles, fierce and proud. “One traitor to another.”

(via maelace)

brainsforbabyjesus:

brainsforbabyjesus:

You know that soulmate AU trope where the first thing your soulmate(s) says to you is some how magically engraved on your wrist? Why are those stories set in worlds that are otherwise socially normal?

I mean really. If everything was exactly the same except for this trope think of how many people would have hello written on their wrist. Think of how many people would meet the wrong person but hit it off anyway and think well this must be my soulmate(s) because we get along more or less. Think of how many people would get married and have a life and a dog and like start up some kind of artisanal meat market or something and then find out that they married the “wrong” person. Like, people wouldn’t be signing prenups, this is your soulmate it should last forever. So now you’re stuck in this crazy legal battle with your fake soulmate while your real soulmate is like trying to fend off people who also have hello on their wrist and think they’re making the wrong choice. Divorce lawyers would probably make it big in this hypothetical world.

But. I don’t think the above is actually all that likely when you consider that this would be a world where everyone knows that the first thing you say to your soulmate(s) is on your wrist. I think a whole world of this trope would basically teach people that you don’t say hello to strangers.

Instead you blurt out something very original. Last thursday I ate a live worm! I own a collection of glass eyes! I’m secretly a super villain and this is my android body! You know. Distinctive. Something that isn’t likely to be ambiguous.

Think of the possibilities. Think of a society that celebrates truly unique first words. People could see someone and spend hours agonizing over what ridiculous thing they want their first words to be. An unusual metaphor for your undying love? A declaration about how much you like snails? A compliment no one could have ever possibly said to them before? Your nose is a glorious rendition of the Summer Triangle. 

Kids would grow up being encouraged to say outlandish things. You wouldn’t be told to stop saying silly things. You would be told to make sure not to copy the silly things your friend said. Think of how careful parents would be about introducing very young children to new people. Kids that are too young might meet their soulmate and not realize it. They could miss their one chance because they were too busy fighting over a little mermaid eraser.

What about people who can’t read? What about people who are blind?

You wouldn’t say sorry if you bumped into someone on the street. You’d either stay silent or shout something oddball out first, I shove lilacs up my nose. and only then do you say sorry.

Imagine “speed meets”. Groups that organize meetups between complete strangers. You’re in a room with a hundred other people. Line up and start saying outrageous things. I am actually a hippopotamus. No? Okay next. I wish to own seven hundred thirty one and a half dalmatian mice. No? Alright. Next. One day I will travel to Europa in the fanciest of hats. And then the other person grins, Well captain it’s not naked if you’re wearing a hat. And damn they have been waiting years to say that line.

#i love this and i feel like it was written by wade w wilson via shehulkcankickmyassanytime

I think this is the best response this post has ever had.

(via lupinatic)