Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

im-lost-but-not-gone:

peter-pans-booty-shorts:

oldshrewsburyian:

deadcatwithaflamethrower:

peter-pans-booty-shorts:

So while doing some pirate research for the play I’m writing I stumbled upon one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read. In the 5th century A.D. there was a Scandinavian princess called Alwilda who’s father tried to set her up to marry Alf, the Prince of Denmark. Alwilda wasn’t cool with this so she and some female companions dressed as men, stole a ship, and sailed away. Eventually they met a company of pirates who were in need of a new captain and they were so captivated by her that they elected her as their new leader. Her crew became so infamous that Prince Alf was sent out to stop them. When their ships met he took Alwilda prisoner and she was so impressed by Alf’s skill that she agreed to marry him after all and eventually became the Queen of Denmark.

I stopped caring whether this was factually accurate about halfway through because it’s completely AWESOME.

Medievalist here for triumphant fact-checking: this story is, if not true, at least true according to the history of the Danes (Gesta Danorum) written in the 12th century by Saxo Grammaticus. You can read his account of Alwilda’s story in the original Latin here, or in English translation here. Highlights include:

She exchanged woman’s for man’s attire, and, no longer the most modest of maidens, began the life of a warlike rover. Enrolling in her service many maidens who were of the same mind, she happened to come to a spot where a band of rovers were lamenting the death of their captain, who had been lost in war; they made her their rover captain.

I love the implication that there were lots of Danish maidens just WAITING for the opportunity of a life of piracy…

Reblogging my old post for this A+ addition to it

Such a fantastic tale!

(Source: lady-averie, via im-lost-but-not-gone)

northcentralpositronics:

northcentralpositronics:

freyadragonlord:

radio-freedunmovin:

answersfromvanaheim:

sapphichands:

hobbitcreampuff:

But what about vampire history teachers. Vampires who read something from a text book then proceed to light the book on fire and throw it out the window because “No. that’s not even close to what really happened. Listen up nerds I’m about to teach you what really happened in France during the revolution”

I need this as a series

Vampires sharing the recipe for Greek fire.

Vampires speaking in dead languages.

Vampires being able to translate untranslatable scripts.

Vampires who react to straightwashing historical figures like “Are you kidding me everyone knew that man was queer!”

Vampires from cultures who were once antagonistic towards each other stubbornly maintaining a friendship that’s lasted longer than their civilizations.

Vampires who honour forgotten deities you won’t find in mythology books.

Also, vampires who secretly saved stuff from the Library of Alexandra.

A vampire show that does not revolve all around sex and eternal cursed love.

nerd vampire whose knowledge of current events is terrible but they can always remember everything that’s considered “history” so they have a super-detailed knowledge of everything up to about thirty years ago and then ?????

vampire who couldn’t tell you what caravaggio was known for but duelled with him at least three times and slept with him at least ten. “cara-who OH YOU MEAN MICHAEL yeah he was cool”

vampire who spent 100 years in a convent and is still so bitter that in all that time they never made her mother superior “GODDAMMIT I HAD SENIORITY! I HAD SENIORITY!” “okay so first off janet, that was six hundred years ago, but more importantly, maybe if you didn’t always start those complaints off with blasphemy…”

vampire professor who just sort of showed up at oxford when it was founded and is still there (and nobody’s noticed because he still never actually shows up to his lectures)

vampire politician who lifts all their campaign speeches wholesale from speeches given 200 years ago and just waits for someone to catch them out (nobody ever does they’re prime minister and their approval ratings are through the roof)

WAIT I HAVE MORE

queer vampire who constantly talks about the fashion for straightness and you need to be really careful because if you tell them straight is default they WILL scream at you for five days straight about what a modern concept heterosexuality is

vampire hoarder who has an entire town where they just kept having to buy new houses to keep their stuff in and some of it’s probably worth tens of millions by now but you’ll never find it in among the 1950s kitschy kitten sculptures and boxes of newspaper (the newspaper is a wonderful mix of yesterday’s guardian and daily courants from 1725)

vampire sailor from manderville’s time who just has so many stories and some of them might even be true

vampire bluestocking girl who took to the internet like a fish to water and spends her whole unlife engaging reddit antifeminists about women’s rights because that’s one fight she’s determined to see through. also with the advent of cheap dyes she literally wears blue socks every day and hopes one day someone gets the joke

vampire doctor who just gets SO CONFUSED about the literature because do you know how hard it is to keep up with medicine kevin? when i got my doctorate we thought leeches were good and then they were bad and now they’re good again? i was published in issue one of the lancet kevin that is 387 lancets kevin how the hell am i meant to remember which one’s current kevin why are they saying cannabis is good for pain like this is news??? (but also lives in a state of wonderment every day in hospital because wow look at all this stuff we can do now look at it kevin!)

entire coven of vampires constantly quibbling over manners because they’re all from different periods: “HATS OFF AT TABLE” “SCREW YOU LEONARD ONLY PEASANTS EAT BAREHEADED” “TABITHA THAT HASN’T BEEN GOOD MANNERS SINCE THE 1500S NOBODY HAS LICE ANY MORE” “IT ISN’T ABOUT LICE LEONARD IT’S ABOUT GOOD MANNERS YOU NEED TO HAVE GOOD MANNERS WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER” “I SWEAR TO GOD TABITHA IF YOU MAKE THAT PUN ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHOVE YOUR STUPID HAT DOWN YOUR THROAT”

(Source: haughtssockgun, via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

idiopathicsmile:

idiopathicsmile:

“So you see,” said the Royal Advisor, wringing his hands, “the curse states the princess will die on the night before her twenty-fifth birthday–”

“Hang on,” said the princess, “‘ON the night before’–”

The Advisor nodded grimly.

“So what you’re saying is that, until that one specific date, I am effectively immortal?”

“Technically yes, but then–” the King stammered.

“Wow,” said the princess, who was sixteen and did not possess amazing impulse control. “I’m gonna go teach myself how to juggle chainsaws while hang gliding over shark-infested waters, catch you chuckleheads later.”

Here’s the thing about curses that most people don’t realize: curses are selfish.

Not the motives behind them—not necessarily, at any rate—but the curses themselves, the nuts and bolts of the magic, so to speak. If someone wraps an enchantment around you, and that enchantment’s sole purpose is to doom you on a particular day and time—the stroke of midnight is pretty popular, for whatever reason—well.

Something that complex and powerful operates according to its own rules. It wants vengeance, and that means doing whatever must be done to ensure that no rival foe shows up at the eleventh hour to steal its thunder. Princess Hammerhands the Sharkpuncher, as she would later come to be known, was an extremely rash and somewhat foolish person, but the “immortality until you die” loophole is real.

Knowing your body will defy death takes some of the thrill out of death-defying stunts, as it turns out. Some, not all. Princess Hammerhands the Sharkpuncher had some good years on the daredevil circuit. She picked up several neat tricks—a good performance wasn’t just about survival, but artistry, she figured. She befriended sword swallowers and fire breathers and professional dragon ticklers. But after three years, she was feeling antsy again.

Keep reading

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

mooglemisbehaving:

swearydroid:

Okay, so we all know that Poe went around the Resistance base telling everyone about the Handsome Stormtrooper that saved his life – but what about BB-8? Imagine BB-8 coming back to base and promptly telling everyone about the good brave human who saved his Poe. This is Finn he is so lovely, he is the best of all humans, look at him, be nice to him – he’s a little bit slow – doesn’t understand droid at all but he’s a quick learner. 

And imagine ALL THE DROIDS falling into line, looking after Finn, and Finn is just so nice to them because he remembers what it’s like to be treated like you’re nothing, like you don’t have a personality. And they just adopt him: Finn the best human, they designate him, and R2-D2 – battle-hardened war vet that he is –  teaches him binary but teaches him the bastardised sweary binary that all the older droids speak and BB-8 is innocent and oblivious and C3-PO is scandalised because Finn is going round saying things like fuck me this is hot in this little whistle-beep. 

And whenever Finn sits down he’s surrounded by happy young droids who absolutely adore him, and he is just so nice and all the droids go out of their way to do things for him. 

And yes. Give me sweet lovely Finn with his droid ducklings. 

And when the base is attacked, it’s the droids who turn the base into a deathtrap for the invaders - doors that trap or crush, sanitation systems that break explosively, power that reroutes itself on the fly to keep one squad in the dark while on the other side of the base another entire squad is electrocuted courtesy of a misfiring sprinkler system - and at the helm coordinating everything is Finn, knee-deep in young droids chanting reports from every part of the base in between best human, best human, BEST HUMAN.

(Source: peradii, via keeperofthehens)

unpretty:

i feel like wonder woman could get away with throwing batman over her shoulder to carry him away exactly once, just because she would have the element of surprise. batman prepares for everything but there are limits. if you were batman would you ever in a million years expect a woman who is two inches shorter than you in one-inch heels to just pick you up and leave like she’s carrying a bag of sand to build a wall. like you are the victim of a cartoon caveman from the fifties. i postulate that you would not. maybe in her arms like a lumberjack’s bride, but a fireman’s carry? while he is not only conscious, but entirely capable of moving under his own power? this is the one scenario that batman never prepared for and he suffers the consequences. she could never get away with it again and so she doesn’t even try but from that moment on the possibility is always in the back of his mind. he is on alert. he wants her to try again so he can prove it won’t work this time. she never gives him the satisfaction. he can never explain to anyone how he is suffering. no one will understand. he stands on a rooftop in the rain and broods.

(via minutia-r)

amusewithaview:

taleasedubh:

libertinem:

transcendingintellect:

I just realized……Hydra knew super-soldiers could survive despite being cryogenically frozen, because they did it to the Winter Soldier.
So they knew for certain that Captain America was alive after he crashed the plane in the Arctic.

I find the timing of Cap’s find very suspicious.

I personally believe Obadiah Stane was somewhat affiliated with Hydra (and had them send the Winter Soldier to have Howard killed). And he could easily influence where Howard searched for Steve and the plane.

I believe that Obadiah misdirected Howard intentionally whenever it looled like he was close, bc Hydra didn’t want Captain America back.
It was only when Obadiah died that SHIELD found Cap.

Originally posted by tony-stark-iron-man-rdj

this… makes soooo much sense, but also, FUCK! I didn’t need this pain. 

On the flipside, imagine if Hydra, knowing just how much a serumed up person can survive, actively was looking for Steve… and they found him first. Imagine Steve barely-conscious and still trembling with bone-deep cold as he’s stuffed into The Chair for the first time.

It doesn’t work as expected the first time (Steve thought the grave was supposed to be cold and final but instead he’s dying by inches with electricity burning through his veins, twisting whips of fire tearing through his brain) so the Hydra scientists note down their results and hunker down for a fullscale Science Experiment!

They recalibrate and try again.

And again.

And again.

Meanwhile Steve tries to hold it all together. He knows that he’s surprised to be alive (in the worst moments he wishes he wasn’t). He knows he was fighting a war (he’s pretty sure they must have lost). He knows that nobody is coming for him (not the kid from Brooklyn, the only one who really cared about HIM is, well…)

(And nobody’s coming after the soldier, the war hero, the propaganda machine, that came after. Who would believe he could survive that crash? The ice?)

(Even if he lives through this, the man that used to be Captain America isn’t sure how much of Steve Rogers will be left.)

After a few months, one scientist gets the bright idea to bring in the Original for comparative testing. The new Subject goes absolutely ballistic the first time he sees the Winter Soldier.

Focused on restraining their new Subject, none of the scientists catch the flicker of expression (emotion) that dances over the Original’s face.

It’s three weeks before they leave the two alone together without muzzles to prevent biting (from the Winter Soldier) or speech (from the Subject). The higher-ups are annoyed by the number of otherwise promising recruits who have requested transfers after five minutes of talking to (or being talked at by) the Subject.

“I know you,” the Winter Soldier says firmly. After three weeks of observation he’s sure in this if not much else. They’ve wiped him a few times for fresh data, but he’s been clinging tenaciously to what little he can conjure up of that face, that voice, that attitude.

(‘Mouthy’ is the word that keeps springing up.)

(And punk. Or jerk? He’s not sure why those words make his lips twitch up at the corners.)

“You do,” the other man, the one who once was Steve Rogers and might be again. “You know me, and we…we’re gonna get out of here. Together.”

Eight days later, they do.

(Source: boxofscrapmetal, via amusewithaview)