i want to know more about charlie weasley’s friends. who the hell agrees to SMUGGLE A DRAGON across international borders on two days notice? who are these people that are willing to accept a dragon in a crate from a couple of small children, no questions asked? i need to know more, tell me about the antics of these mysterious flying dragon smugglers.
ESPCAD.
European Society for the Prevention of Cruelty Against Dragons.
Like PETA but with less grossness and more punk activism. And fire breathing dragons so like no one really fux with ‘em.
speaking as a biologist, i can guarantee i would show up without question to smuggle an endangered species that would otherwise be destroyed across national borders to a sanctuary on two days’ notice.
like. if a small child showed me a box containing a juvenile alligator snapping turtle and was like “you need to smuggle this across the continent to kansas or else it will be destroyed” i would be like “sure, would you like me to send you a postcard, small child”
my favorite college experience is when i had a 7am class and the kid next to me literally poured a monster energy drink into his coffee said “i’m going to die” and drank the whole thing
i knew a guy who brewed his instant coffee with monster instead of water. three cups in two hours. i think he ascended to the astral realm
the survivability of the human race never ceases to amaze me
TABI ANECDOTE
My final year I lived with engineering masters students. One night, I’m finishing up my final paper, I’m juuuust backing up my final copy, and my housemate’s cat knocks a vase over onto my laptop.
Which wouldn’t be a problem except my cable had been chewed on (thanks Kobe), so the wiring was exposed. Circuits short out, I fling myself back to avoid electrocution and by the time we get the situation handled, my laptop AND my external hard drive have been fried by the surge.
I mean, fried. Like, they-are-vaguely-smoking fried.
I start to cry, because there goes fifty percent of my final grade.
Ahmad just goes “it’s okay, we will fix”. I’m like “how the fuck do you propose that?” And he’s like “I have spare laptop.” “THIS IS DUE IN THE AM!”
And he looks me dead in the eye and goes, “I said I will help. Go get the laptop.”
So off I go. By the time I make it downstairs, there’s this chemical /reek/ in the kitchen. I go in and there he is, methodically crushing caffeine pills with the bottom of a glass on a ceramic plate, periodically dusting the powder into a cooking pot. Meanwhile, his coffee pot is chugging away on the counter.
As I watch, he takes the coffee pot, empties it into the cooking pot, lets THAT come to a boil and dumps in some of his Turkish coffee, AND the remaining caffeine pill powder, which by now is starting to look uncomfortably like coke.
He lets that steep, and by now the coffee/burning smell is so strong it’s woken up all six of the other housemates, who have all come downstairs and are vacillating between staring at my laptop and at this concoction with undisguised horror.
He pours this sludge into a mug, stirs in about four /tablespoons/ of sugar and slides it my way.
I figure that I’m probably dead either way regardless, so I suck it back, filtering the grounds through my teeth as I go.
I’ve had three sips when it hits, and I feel my heart trip on a beat. I must have gone white cause he nods, all pleased, and points me at his laptop.
Long story short, I got an week’s extension, didn’t sleep for five days, had a conversation with my BLINDS in SPANISH, and got a B+, with a note that it was an “engaging read and well-written, when intelligible”.
To this day, coffee any stronger than a pale off-beige makes my chest hurt.
I honestly thought he was going to drink the coffee and perform was magic on the laptop but.. nope. even better. Honest to god, I really want to know how that conversation with the blinds went.
Bruh. BRUH.
This is so real. LMFAOOO
I’m concerned for all of you. You at least shortened your life by ten years.
I hate to use a Mad Max reference but WITNESS ME. -chugs monster and takes midterms-
My minor is in Chemistry.
I collect chemistry glassware.
I figured out how to triple-distill and vacuum-extract coffee to raise the caffeine concentration 20-30x.
The first time I sampled a mug of the end product, I didn’t sleep for 2 days and was convinced that I could feel air molecules.
Nurse:
"Sorry your boyfriend couldn't wait for you in the waiting room, it makes women feel uncomfortable."
Me:
"He wasn't my boyfriend and I don't see how it would make them uncomfortable, but that's my opinion. He was here for moral support. I understood, and so does he."
Nurse:
"So he's your...."
Me:
"Friend."
Nurse:
(During the question asking) "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Me:
"11."
Nurse:
"How old were you when you first became sexually active?"
Me:
"....Loaded question but....14, I guess."
Nurse:
"You're sexually active, then."
Me:
"Well....I guess...but..."
Nurse:
"How many times have you been pregnant?"
Me:
"Uh. 0."
Nurse:
"O...kayy...-Checks 'condoms' as my preferred use of birth control-"
Don’t tell your daughter that when a boy is mean or rude to her it’s because he has a crush on her. Don’t teach her that abuse is a sign of love.
My mom always taught me yell or fight back. Boys would be mean and I would yell back. I would get my ass pinched and I would smack them as hard as I could.
Who alway got in trouble? Me.
They would call my mother and she always came in and lectures my teachers and threatened to sue for making her miss work and treating me poorly.
She always taught my brothers to respect women. The only fights my brothers ever got in was defending women from someone else.
The school tried to call my father once instead of my mother on us. He came in in his full preacher outfit (being a preacher and all) and gave them an entire sermon on what would Jesus day of he was called in. They decided dealing with my mom was better.
I think my favorite story of this is when some kid snapped my bra and I turned around, didn’t even think about it, and punched that little motherfucker right in the nose.
So naturally, I end up in the principal’s office, refusing to apologize.
“He shouldn’t have put his hands on me and I wouldn’t have hit him!” That’s the only thing I was saying.
These people had the unfortunate luck of catching my dad at home, instead of my mom. So he comes fucking sauntering in there, like he’s Clint fucking Eastwood in some western movie and looks at me.
“Melissa, did you punch him?”
“Yes.” I said.
“Why?”
“Because he snapped my bra strap.”
And he turns his squinty eyed glare to the principal and says, “You’re telling me my daughter is in trouble because that squirrely looking kid put his hands on her and she chose to defend herself? That’s what you are saying to me.”
“Well, sir-” The man kind of stuttered because my dad is kind of intimidating in the quiet sort of way that kind of whispers in the back of your mind that this person could be dangerous. “Melissa did make it physical.”
“No. That kid put his hands on my daughter. Are you saying my daughter cannot defend herself when some boy decides to put hands on her? Is that what you are teaching my girl?”
I didn’t get suspended that day.
*slow clap for excellent parenting*
This is the parent I want to be omg
I went to a nun school.
The nuns there were like, so rad.
It was a party organized for the end of the school year, and I was helping in the kitchen to prepare stuff with a nun and a bunch of little girls. There was one of the girls’ little brother who was there.
There was a little girl who was carrying a bowl of tomato sauce and was going outside, but the boy was just in front of her and he slammed the door in her face. She dropped the bowl on the floor and got all messy.
So what happened?
The nun went outside, took the boy by the arm, and gave him an epic speech going around the lines of: “Would you treat the Virgin Mary like that, young man?” “Nnnnno…” “Then treat every girl like she’s the Virgin Mary.” Not only the boy had to apologize to the little girl, but he also had to clean up and he was put on kitchen duty for the rest of the day.
Then another day, in catechism class (I was a in a girls’ school, mind you), the nun was there telling us: “If a guy touches you in a way you don’t like, punch him in the face. It’s not a sin against charity. On the contrary, you’re being charitable by showing him he’s sinning by impurity and you’ll save him from going to hell.”
So I was at my desk during class looking like this:
i mean, lately, it’s presumably because the hit broadway musical hamilton is out there reminding everyone that tjeff was The Worst. but i’m gonna take this opportunity to give you a run-down of every historic reason why tjeff was The Worst
i could end the list at “slave owner”
furthermore, he was even more racist than most 18th century racists. i don’t have the time or energy to list all the racists things he did, but there are a lot, just google it
like when his pal tadeusz kosciuszko died he stipulated that the money from his american estate should be used to free and educate jefferson’s slaves and in response he was like. “i can’t read suddenly. i don’t know”
he was a huge hypocrite who claimed to support the ~small independent farmers when the only interests he really cared about looking out for were - you guessed it - the interests of wealthy plantation owners, which is probably his biggest contribution to the legacy of american politics tbh
also, remember how he wrote the declaration of independence - including the original draft where he waxed philosophical about how slavery is an abomination - even though #1-3
sally hemings
he had no idea how the economy works. a good deal of his political career was spent arguing with the federalists about why taxes are bad and banks are scary. one time he tried to ban exports, like, entirely, because he just didn’t foresee any negative consequences to that brilliant idea, apparently
he was a generally obnoxious person who not only spewed baseless accusations against his enemies every time he was challenged on all his horrible ideology, but he didn’t even have the balls to do it himself, he usually employed a whole gang of followers to do his public shit-talking for him
he actually kept a burn book where he collected rumors about people he didn’t like. i wish i was making this up lmao this actually happened!!!
a big fan of indian removal and/or forced assimilation
there’s gotta be a lot else i’m forgetting right now, i’m just thinking off the top of my head
basically he sat around at monticello spinning around in his swivel chair while his slave-concubine brought him bowl after bowl of mac and cheese, meditating on liberty and equality with so much moral myopia he could’ve been the antihero protagonist of an amc prestige drama
i’m too tired to source any of this hate right now but i can and will elaborate if anyone deems it necessary
i just want to add my personal favorite obnoxious jefferson story to this beautiful post (co-starring - surprise!! - alexander hamilton):
jefferson had alexander hamilton over at his house for dinner parties quite a bit (hamilton, for his part, often entertained at his own house but never invited jefferson, i can’t possibly imagine why). and on the wall in his house, jefferson had portraits - actual portraits, hanging, on the wall of his home - of isaac newton, john locke, and francis bacon, bc jefferson was the most pretentious fuck of his time. anyway, at one of these dinners, alexander asked tj who these men in the portraits were (altho no one can ever convince me that he didn’t already know) and jefferson was basically like “these are my personal holy trinity! the greatest men who ever lived!” and then went on about each of their great accomplishments and influences on the world and all. after he finally finishes his spiel, alexander is quiet for some time, looking pensive, and then he says, “well, no, julius caesar was the greatest man who ever lived.”
now, nobody knows exactly why hamilton said this. in general tho there are two theories. for one thing, it’s possible that he just genuinely admired julius caesar as a statesman. that wouldn’t particularly surprise me, knowing what we know about hamilton’s political beliefs (which is a lot). however, even if that is true, i’m more inclined to believe the other prevailing thought, which is that alexander hamilton was a little shit who just liked to say things that he knew would upset thomas jefferson.
and it worked! (it often worked. teej took the bait all the time, so it never lost its appeal.) jefferson, in all his ~enlightened~ capital-r Reasoning and nominal love of small government and rule by “the people,” was shocked into sputtering speechlessness. he could not believe that someone would say such a thing!! to the point where he told this story to other people for decades, like “hey can you believe this? a real person actually said that!!!!” dude was so bothered.
(fwiw, jefferson also used this story as evidence that hamilton was a dangerous man who should never be given political power bc clearly he would take over the country as emperor, and it became yet another thing that came back to bite hamilton in the ass. but based on jefferson’s response, tbh it sounds like it was worth it.)
Thank You for contributing this wonderful story. i’d just like to add: hamilton hated julius caesar, and he frequently insulted people and policies he disliked by comparing them to caesar, so he was 100% definitely trolling tjeffies for his own personal amusement. the fact that his dumb joke was used against him for decades is, from every angle, the funniest part of this whole story
gather round tumblr it’s time for a story about why you shouldn’t solicit conversation with a stranger with a put down about their generation
i sat down about 30 minutes ago in the lobby of a very nice hotel, intending to do some writing. i have my laptop and my cellphone. as i settled, i checked some stuff on my phone, then turned to my laptop. because there aren’t many plugs, i’m sitting in a cluster of couches and instead of being by myself there’s an he’s an older gentleman across from me, polo shirt, salt and pepper hair. was very polite when i asked if he minded if i tucked myself in the corner of the couch
but apparently
apparently
he thinks computers are full of satan or something
because no sooner have i opened up goddamn word when he goes, “you kids and your electronics.”
ah, excellent, unsolicited conversation with a perfect stranger that comes with a critique of modern communication. fight me, bro, you got no idea who you’re tangling with. so naturally i push up my metaphorical sleeves (metaphorical because i’m in a goddamn resort and pavement is melting; i’m wearing a very nice goddamn dress and i’d look like a fucking soccer mom named helen if i had blonde hair) and very politely, i smash his face into the floor with “i’m sorry?” in an utterly flabbergasted tone because dude wtf and no one delivers slick put downs when they’re caught off guard
“i’m here reading my newspaper and after this my wife and i are going on a hike” (lol good luck with that dude the pavement is melting and you want to hike in the mountains) “and we’re going to interact with each other.” he gives my computer a v pointed look
naturally, i have the perfect response to this. it is pithy and eloquent and will surely put him in his place: “i… like to write, and it’s easier on a laptop?”
“it seems to me” (HERE WE GO) “that your generation” (OH GOOD) “is losing the ability to interact with other people.” (O OK) “my grandchildren never take their eyes off their cellphones anymore!”
and here he pauses and looks at me. as if he expects me to agree.
so i say “you were born in the 50s, right?” he says he was born in 59. “well, it seems to me that your generation is really fond of adultery, embezzlement, and corporate fraud, among other things, and i’m really enjoying paying for your retirement.”
i admit: i had this line canned after a little snarl i had with my mom the other night.
he stares at me. i stare back.
“you also realize,” i say, quickly typing socrates kids these days quote into google, “that people have been saying kids these days since socrates said, and i quote, children now love luxury. they have bad manners. contempt for authority. they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” i look up at him. he’s staring at me still.
i’m shaking because man fuck confrontation but also how hilarious is this because i literally had a fight with my mom about this twelve hours ago. i literally have a cranky tweet about it. “so it seems to me that making sweeping generalizations about people based on pretty arbitrary age groupings is kind of ridiculous since i’m pretty sure you’re not cheating on your wife or stealing from your company.”
he goes beat red because now i’m embarrassed him, and i feel really fucking bad because i didn’t mean to embarrass him, but also hey dude fuck you
SO OF COURSE he says “did your parents teach you any manners?”
and there goes the last of my embarrassment because hey fuck you dude the only person who can insult my parents is fucking me. and i say, without even thinking because this is when you have the snappiest rejoinders, “well they did teach me not to open unsolicited conversation with a stranger by insulting them so.”
at this point the dude’s wife shows up and they leave, and the waiter asks me if i want anything to drink and i’m like “yes please give me all your vodka” but instead i say “ice water” because the pavement is melting and if i puke from nerves after that, i don’t want to snort alcohol out my nose
I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.
omg when ladies talk about their wives and just say “my wife” I just get so excited and happy because it is all possible and real. it’s so amazing and beautiful
DUDE my teacher canceled class the other day and so the next day we were all like oh no is everything ok?? and shes like “oh yeah its fine its just my wife wasn’t feeling good so i took her home, made her some soup, yknow fun stuff” and i swear everyone in class froze for a sec cuz we never knew she was a lesbian but then we spent a good 30 min of class time discussing whether her wife actually ate the soup cuz we all know she sucks at cooking
that is the best thing I’ve heard all day omg
this is beautiful
I had a professor who would talk in class about her wife and their four daughters and it always made me go !!! inside. like, wooooow, family goals.
In my undergrad, I took a module that had two lecturers teaching it. The first was very butch and would occasionally talk about how brilliant her wife was in the field and would talk about her kids and general family life. Then the other lecturer took over classes, and she would talk about her wife too, and how brilliant her wife was academically. Then they taught a class together and the penny dropped. They were talking about each other and both thought the other was the literal shit in their area of media.
It’s been delightful for me to watch my friends finally able to get legally married. Every time @crofethr says “my wife” it’s like a chorus of bluejays dance around behind her.
I was at work at a deli a few weeks ago and this group of three women came in pretty late at night. One was the mother of one of them, and the other two were just being really cute and holding hands and cuddling and whatnot. One was leaning on the other and she seemed really tired, so her wife ordered for her and the mom was like, “Married for seven years, they know each others’ orders by heart” and I honestly felt like I’d been blessed
oh my god that’s beautiful
one time a lecturer was discussing all the stupid reasons she’s been called up in front of the board (which include an actual formal accusation of witchcraft) and once a student accused her of homophobia and homophobic statements and she walked into the formal board hearing with her only prepared defense being “remember how I’m married to another woman ok thanks let’s go get lunch”
dchxhgsfahKasggzjz oh my god
I’m an optician and one day I had 2 women, one blonde and one brunette, come in to pick up glasses. I had the blonde try on hers while the brunette was talking to one of my coworkers. When she put them on I said, “Oh looks like they’re not sitting straight.” Without missing a beat she said “Oh honey, nothing about me is straight,” and proceeded to pat her wife on the butt and say “Honey, did you hear what I said? It was really funny. Honey? Honey, I said nothing about me is straight.”
