enrique262:
“ the-militant-catholic:
“ native-coronan:
“ unbelievable-facts:
“ An SR-71 Blackbird once flew from LA to Washington DC in 64 minutes. Average speed of the flight: 2145mph.
”
“There were a lot of things we couldn’t do in an SR-71, but we...

enrique262:

the-militant-catholic:

native-coronan:

unbelievable-facts:

An SR-71 Blackbird once flew from LA to Washington DC in 64 minutes. Average speed of the flight: 2145mph.

“There were a lot of things we couldn’t do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn’t match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury.

Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed. Center replied: “November Charlie 175, I’m showing you at ninety knots on the ground.”

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the “ Houston Center voice.” I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country’s space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the Houston controllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that, and that they basically did. And it didn’t matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna’s inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed. “I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed.” Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren. Then out of the blue, a navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios. “Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check”. Before Center could reply, I’m thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million-dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it, ol’ Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He’s the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet. And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion: “Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground.”

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done - in mere seconds we’ll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now. I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn.

Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet. Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke: “Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?” There was no hesitation, and the replay came as if was an everyday request. “Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground.”

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice: “Ah, Center, much thanks, we’re showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money.”

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the Houston Center voice, when L.A. came back with, “Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one.”

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day’s work.

We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.”

-Brian Schul, Sled Driver: Flying The World’s Fastest Jet

@enrique262

An old but nonetheless great story! 

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

traumatizedterezi:

legs-are-just-for-show:

I can’t believe the classic “MOM HOLY FUCK” comic was actually made by the PnF crew this entire time

this post just changed my whole life

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

ranakanth:

skiesovergideon:

gather round tumblr it’s time for a story about why you shouldn’t solicit conversation with a stranger with a put down about their generation

i sat down about 30 minutes ago in the lobby of a very nice hotel, intending to do some writing. i have my laptop and my cellphone. as i settled, i checked some stuff on my phone, then turned to my laptop. because there aren’t many plugs, i’m sitting in a cluster of couches and instead of being by myself there’s an he’s an older gentleman across from me, polo shirt, salt and pepper hair. was very polite when i asked if he minded if i tucked myself in the corner of the couch

but apparently

apparently

he thinks computers are full of satan or something

because no sooner have i opened up goddamn word when he goes, “you kids and your electronics.”

ah, excellent, unsolicited conversation with a perfect stranger that comes with a critique of modern communication. fight me, bro, you got no idea who you’re tangling with. so naturally i push up my metaphorical sleeves (metaphorical because i’m in a goddamn resort and pavement is melting; i’m wearing a very nice goddamn dress and i’d look like a fucking soccer mom named helen if i had blonde hair) and very politely, i smash his face into the floor with “i’m sorry?” in an utterly flabbergasted tone because dude wtf and no one delivers slick put downs when they’re caught off guard

“i’m here reading my newspaper and after this my wife and i are going on a hike” (lol good luck with that dude the pavement is melting and you want to hike in the mountains) “and we’re going to interact with each other.” he gives my computer a v pointed look

naturally, i have the perfect response to this. it is pithy and eloquent and will surely put him in his place: “i… like to write, and it’s easier on a laptop?”

“it seems to me” (HERE WE GO) “that your generation” (OH GOOD) “is losing the ability to interact with other people.” (O OK) “my grandchildren never take their eyes off their cellphones anymore!” 

and here he pauses and looks at me. as if he expects me to agree. 

so i say “you were born in the 50s, right?” he says he was born in 59. “well, it seems to me that your generation is really fond of adultery, embezzlement, and corporate fraud, among other things, and i’m really enjoying paying for your retirement.”

i admit: i had this line canned after a little snarl i had with my mom the other night.

he stares at me. i stare back. 

“you also realize,” i say, quickly typing socrates kids these days quote into google, “that people have been saying kids these days since socrates said, and i quote, children now love luxury. they have bad manners. contempt for authority. they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” i look up at him. he’s staring at me still.

i’m shaking because man fuck confrontation but also how hilarious is this because i literally had a fight with my mom about this twelve hours ago. i literally have a cranky tweet about it. “so it seems to me that making sweeping generalizations about people based on pretty arbitrary age groupings is kind of ridiculous since i’m pretty sure you’re not cheating on your wife or stealing from your company.”

he goes beat red because now i’m embarrassed him, and i feel really fucking bad because i didn’t mean to embarrass him, but also hey dude fuck you

SO OF COURSE he says “did your parents teach you any manners?”

and there goes the last of my embarrassment because hey fuck you dude the only person who can insult my parents is fucking me. and i say, without even thinking because this is when you have the snappiest rejoinders, “well they did teach me not to open unsolicited conversation with a stranger by insulting them so.”

at this point the dude’s wife shows up and they leave, and the waiter asks me if i want anything to drink and i’m like “yes please give me all your vodka” but instead i say “ice water” because the pavement is melting and if i puke from nerves after that, i don’t want to snort alcohol out my nose

that’s it that’s my story

Epic.

(via windbladess)

eranss15:

devilwithasilvertongue:

umhi-im-alexis:

luvyourselfsomeesteem:

queen-arsinoe:

timonthe-fourtyfive:

winnieportleyrind:

fagvomit:

once in 5th grade my mom bought me this set of like 200 glitter pens because I had mentioned that everyone at school was obsessed with them but I didn’t really care for them so the next day I brought them to class and kids started offering to buy them so I sold them for $3 each and I made almost $500 and then I got sent to the principals office and was told I couldn’t sell them anymore like sorry that I was a natural born entrepreneur

When I was a freshman in High School our Junior/Senior classes were like 90% stoner kids. When you’re a junior/senior, you can leave the school for lunch if you want, so the majority of the kids would go hot box their cars in an abandoned parking lot a few blocks over during lunch hour.

However, since they needed time to air out, they always got back after the kitchen stopped selling lunch, and they, of course, had the mega munchies.

I started selling kids homemade baked goods at outrageous prices, but I’m a great baker so nobody complained. I was making 25 bucks for 4 muffins, and 8 dollars a brownie.

I made like 2 grand before the school made me stop selling food because it wasn’t a “school official bake sale.” but my regulars would slip me cash + orders in the hallways when we passed each other, and there was nothing in school policy about giving away food, so I would just bring them their snacks the next day. The school couldn’t touch me, I was rolling in dough, and rolling out dough, all freshman year.

Find your loopholes, kids.

born entrepreneurs…. insane…

LOL i know two kids like this.

she made some soap and offered some to my dad and said “Uh 17, I mean 7″ and I was like no, you said it right. 17.

other one sold bracelets

I know a guy in highschool who made so much money in sophmore year selling cupcakes the school shut it all down.

a kid at my school has a panini-maker so he sells paninis to other students and everyone called him Dan the Panini Man

but the campus police people shut him down because it’s not legal to sell food if it’s not a bake sale or w/e

so now he’s Dan the Paper Towel Man and he sells paper towels, but with each paper towel purchase, you get a free panini

I THOUGHT HE WAS A MYTH

Rebloggig for the Dan the paper towel man

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

(Source: bellecs, via clockwork-mockingbird)

sohelpmedun:

please just read the whole thing

(Source: cowardly-trees, via bronzedragon)

slyrider:
“ s-shutup-its-not-like-i-actually:
“ grandtheft-autotune:
“ sting-rae11:
“ Okay no. This shit is so fucking satisfying. I can not tell you the joy it brings me when an underage kid tries to buy GTA and when I tell them they need a parent,...

slyrider:

s-shutup-its-not-like-i-actually:

grandtheft-autotune:

sting-rae11:

Okay no. This shit is so fucking satisfying. I can not tell you the joy it brings me when an underage kid tries to buy GTA and when I tell them they need a parent, they go get said parent, and then I say “hey, this game is rated M for these reasons” AND THE PARENTS GET SO APPALLED AND SAY “NO WAY YOU ARE NOT GETTING THAT GAME.” And the look of hatred the kids give me is so raw and pure it gives me fucking life. Damn I miss GameStop.

Keeping online matches safe from annoying 13 year olds.

OKAY FRIENDS SINCE YOU LIKE HEARING ABOUT 13 YEAR OLDS GETTING OWNED LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ONE OF MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS SO FAR AS AN EMPLOYEE OF GAMESTOP.

It was spring 2014, early in the week.  Pretty sure it was a Tuesday, but it’s been awhile.  It was so dead in our store, I hadn’t seen anyone in over 40 minutes.  Eventually, in comes this mom and we start chatting.  She said she was here to buy her son a game he wanted, Grand Theft Auto 5, and could I help her find it?

Now, I’m sure many of you are aware how awful Grand Theft Auto 5 is in terms of violence, gore, and sexism.  But in case you don’t, the Grand Theft Auto series has always been one of the most violent series that you can buy in stores.  The very first GTA was banned in Brazil and condemned in several countries, GTA 5 has a graphic torture scene that is player initiated.  GTA: San Andreas had the Hot Coffee scandal which happened in 2004 when modders found unused code in the game for a sex minigame that was player controlled.  And that’s only the beginning of the controversies surrounding the GTA series (click here to read more! X X X X X X X )

Anyways, back to me and the Mom.  Who will now be referred to as Mom because she is that awesome.  Since I was behind the counter I pulled a copy of GTA 5 from backstock and started ringing her up while making polite chitchat, the usual cashier stuff.  But everything changed when I asked for her ID because of the M rating.  At first Mom replied, “Oh sure thing let me grab it.”  And started digging in her purse.  But then what I said registered with her and she paused and looked at me.

“M rating?  What does that mean?”

“Oh GTA 5 is rated M for violence, gore, bad language, and other stuff”.  I won’t bore you with the whole spiel I go into when I’m asked about the M rating but basically I just explain why the game is rated M, what the M rating means, and that they can go on ESRB.org to see why it got that rating. 

So I tell Mom about the website and she whips out her cell phone and gets on the site and starts reading.  And she got MAD.  She starts telling me about how her son knows she doesn’t like this sort of game and how he is going to be in so much trouble because he knows better than to ask for this sort of thing as she doesn’t tolerate this in her house.  And he is so grounded for thinking he could get away with this.  Then, Mom looked me in the eye and asked me to look up several other games for her to see if he’d done this with any other games.

“Yea sure thing, which games would you like me to look up?”

“Bioshock 2.”

“I can already tell you without looking that Bioshock 2 is rated M.”

“MY CHILD IS SO GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.  What about the first Bioshock?”

“Yep, that’s also rated M.”

“OH MY GOSH, what about Gears of War?”

“That entire series is rated M.”

To spare y’all from another 10 rounds of that, basically take every popular M rated title from the last 5 years and insert them in the above dialogue. 

Eventually, Mom says “Oh my gosh, you must think me a horrible parent.  I can’t believe I let him have those games.”

“Ma’am, I don’t think that at all.  The fact that you’re concerned about this tells me that you are a good parent.  And just so you know instead of throwing out those games you’re more than welcome to trade them in here and get some store credit or cash back for them.”

“Really?  I’ll have to do that, I don’t want him playing those games anymore.”

“Yea, we also take gaming consoles, iphones, and tablets too!”

“Oh that’s wonderful!  Thank you for being so patient with me and telling me all about this. I’m going home and to go through his gaming collection right now!”

And off she went, leaving me bored till I finally got to leave for the night. 

BUT THAT’S NOT THE END.  THIS IS WHEN SHIT GETS AWESOME.

The next day I’m working again, bored out of my goddamn mind.  There’s only so many times you can alphabetize the store before going insane.  As I’m looking out the window I see a car pull up and Mom hops out and then pulls out two huge duffel bags and walks in.

“Hey welcome back to Gamestop!  What can I help you with!”

“Oh I’m so glad you’re here!  So last night I went through my son’s game collection and most of them are rated M!  So I decided to teach him a lesson about why you don’t lie to your mother.  Seeing as I bought him these consoles and most of the games were bought with my money, his game consoles and games actually belong to me.  Therefore, I would like to trade in all this.“  And proceeds to pull out his XBox 360, PS3, and every game he had for both consoles (over 50!) as well all the extra controllers and headsets he had. 

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.“  I will never forget her smile when she said this nor the look in her eye.  This is not a woman to be crossed.

So I traded everything in and she got back over $300 in store credit for everything.  And with it she bought a Wii, a couple extra controllers, and a couple games rated E.  Then she looked me in the eye and asked if we had any extra boxes laying around for the XBox One and if so could she have one?

“Are you going to put the Wii in it and give it to him?“ 

“Yes.  Along with a note saying that this is what happens when you abuse the trust of your mother.  I’m going to make sure this never happens again.“  It is at this point that Mom ascended to God Tier status with all Gamestop employees falling to their knees for a chance to bask in her glory. 

I got her an XBox One box and sent her on her way after asking her to take the survey on the receipt. 

“Oh of course dear, you’ve been such a big help.  Let me write down your name so I don’t forget it.”

“Of course!  I’m Lexi, but if your son asks my name is Deegan.“  (Deegan was my store’s manager at the time. 

And then she left, leaving me with the best trade numbers of the month and the greatest story I’ll likely ever be apart of at GameStop.  Mom, I never got your name, but you are my personal Gamestop Hero.

@words-writ-in-starlight

(Source: gamer-hood)

perrimore:

pansexial:

I need everyone to watch this I’m smiling so fucking big

DO NOT FUCKING IGNORE

(Source: casdcan, via ailleee)

lil-gay-nerd-deactivated2017071 asked: You should really write a book about your life. In the meantime, tell us all a story, please?

ofgeography:

I AM EXTREMELY STRONG: a story about furniture

the summer that i was about thirteen or fourteen, my mother decided to buy a la-z-boy for my stepdad, skip, for their anniversary. she did this because my mother loves giving presents and my stepdad loves sitting down.

she needed someone to help transport the chair from the furniture store back to our house. my brother was, at the time, at Sports Camp For Young Boys Who Want Girls To Kiss Them, and skip was obviously out of the question, so her only option was me.

me at 13, a self-portrait:

  • pigeon-toed
  • desperately physically unfit
  • favorite snack was mozzarella cheese. no garnish. just…… balls of mozzarella cheese
  • in my “i only listen to blink-182 and my favorite color is linkin park after dark nailpolish,” phase

SO OFF WE WENT.

the chair was in a big furniture warehouse, like a schewels or something. my mother, a woman who never goes into a situation without a to-do list and a plan of action, knew immediately what she wanted. 

it was a broad recliner, taupe-ish, with a retractable foot rest. it was the everest of chairs. once you sat in this chair, you were never getting up. you would have to be brought your meals. your loved ones would bid you adieu, sadly, waving from the living room. “we’re going on a family vacation,” they would tell you, and you would say, “there is nothing left for me but the warm embrace of this chair, and death.”

“mollyhall, help us move this,” my mother said.

“us?” i asked. “as in, the three of us? we are moving this chair?”

i looked at the Everest Chair. i looked at my mother. i looked at skinny mcdimples. i gestured at my own noodle arms, and at skinny mcdimples’ everything. 

“uh,” i said, pointedly.

“we can DO IT,” my mother insisted.

“uh,” repeated skinny mcdimples, this time with urgency.

“LISTEN,” said my mother, drawing herself up to her full height of a whopping 5’5”, her voice dropping about 6 octaves to decibels typically only heard in whalesong.

“WE CAN LIFT THIS FUCKING CHAIR.

I AM.

EXTREMELY.

STRONG.”

image

THAT’S MY SECRET. I AM ALWAYS FUCKIN’ PUMPED ABOUT FURNITURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

skinny mcdimples and i quickly snapped into action, because nobody wants to fuck with a 5’5” hulk woman with a love of leisure seating. my mother lifted the whole front of the Everest Chair, running high on adrenaline and self-righteous fury, while skinny mcdimples and i struggled desperately with the back half, shooting one another frequent, panicked looks.

by the time we got it out to the car, poor skinny mcdimples and i were sweating bullets, hands slipping all over the suede, sending up desperate pleas to the lord jesus to keep the Everest Chair from crushing our bodies the way it had crushed our spirits.

my mother lifted the Everest Chair with one hand and tossed it into the bed of the truck.

“see?” she asked. “i told you. piece of cake.”

“piece of cake,” skinny mcdimples and i agreed, in between bouts of vomiting from exertion and crying.

  • i think about skinny mcdimples sometimes.  how is he doing? is he still working at the furniture store, or did the trauma of the Everest Chair send him into a downward spiral that led to a career 180? did he realize that if he can lift the Everest Chair, he can lift everything? is he a pro wrestler now? did he marry? does he ever think of me, thirteen, chubby as hell, clinging desperately to the back of the Everest Chair and hissing, “i’m gonna die, we’re all gonna die here,” under my breath?
  • SKINNY MCDIMPLES, WHAT BECAME OF YOU?

we pulled out of the parking lot. i was too physically exhausted to do anything but curl up in the passenger seat and—

  • thump.
  • thumpthump.
  • thumpthump. thUMP. THUMP.

“what is that? is something knocking?”

  • KNOCK KNOCK.
  • WHO’S THERE?
  • HUBRIS.
  • IT’S YOUR OWN
  • GODDAMN
  • HUBRIS,
  • MOM.

we pulled over.

image

i bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

the Everest Chair sat rocking in the truck bed, knocking against the back window every time a breeze rolled by.

“you can sit on it to hold it down,” said my mom. she had a wildness in her eyes.

a sweet, jolly-looking old man in a pickup truck not dissimilar to our own pulled into the parking lot where we were throwing down with the Everest Chair. he leaned out of the driver’s window, his santa eyes sparkling. “do you ladies need help?” he asked. “i have some bungees in the back if you need ‘em.”

  • there it was!!! our chance for salvation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my mother’s face darkened. her lips went white. she seemed to expand outward, like the size of her rage with this chair and her tragically useless daughter could not be contained by the human body. her voice sound like the way the sky looks just before it dumps so much water on your house that you have to immediately start bailing water out of the windows with buckets when she said—said, not shouted, because her rage had gone far past shouting:

“WE DON’T NEED ANY FUCKING HELP.”

  • yes, we did!!!!!!!
  • we did desperately need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“wait,” i whispered fruitlessly as Santa Man drove hastily off. my mother turned back to the Everest Chair. she tossed a tarp over it, and stretched a single bungee across its girth.

  • one bungee cord and a tarp?
  • ONE BUNGEE CORD?
  • AND A TARP?

“there,” she said. “piece of cake.”

“look, i don’t want to be the one to bring this up,” i said cautiously as we got back into the truck’s cab, the Everest Chair still thumping merrily. we both ignored it so steadily we made the tell-tale heart guy jealous. knocking? what knocking? HAHA, EVERYTHING IS FINE. AFTER ALL, WE USED ONE BUNGEE CORD. AND A TARP.

“bring what up?” my mother asked.

i swallowed. “um….how are we going to get it inside the house?”

****

6 HOURS LATER, AT THEIR ANNIVERSARY DINNER:

“i love my new chair!!!!! did you have it delivered?”

“mollyhall and i did it ourselves,” my mother said, taking a cool sip of wine. “it was a piece of cake.”

surprisebitch:
“ Here’s the link to the full article for anyone who wants to read
”

surprisebitch:

Here’s the link to the full article for anyone who wants to read

(Source: anulloamato, via princehal9000)