(Source: twitter.com, via cthulhu-with-a-fez)
my bf has many interesting stories and observations from his new job as a 911 operator
my favorite is how meandering people are, even in the midst of a terrible emergency
they respond to “what is the emergency” with “well, the thing is, four weeks ago–”
and then he’s like “WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY RIGHT NOW”
and they’re like “so what happened this morning was, i said to my wife, i said–”
“WHAT IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING AT THIS MOMENT”
“oh i’m having a heart attack”
my second favorite is how specific he has to get sometimes
like, “what is your emergency?”
“i’m sitting in a pool of blood.”
“… is it… your blood?”
“yes i think so”
“do you know where it’s coming from?”
“probably the stab wound”
“have you been stabbed?”
“oh yah definitely”
In all fairness shock is a hell of a drug
I mean, yes, but honestly the rambles of a person in an emergency are pretty funny (after everyone’s okay, for the record, it’s only funny after everyone is ALL RIGHT at the end of it).
(Source: sw-or-gtfo, via clockwork-mockingbird)
So while doing some pirate research for the play I’m writing I stumbled upon one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read. In the 5th century A.D. there was a Scandinavian princess called Alwilda who’s father tried to set her up to marry Alf, the Prince of Denmark. Alwilda wasn’t cool with this so she and some female companions dressed as men, stole a ship, and sailed away. Eventually they met a company of pirates who were in need of a new captain and they were so captivated by her that they elected her as their new leader. Her crew became so infamous that Prince Alf was sent out to stop them. When their ships met he took Alwilda prisoner and she was so impressed by Alf’s skill that she agreed to marry him after all and eventually became the Queen of Denmark.
I stopped caring whether this was factually accurate about halfway through because it’s completely AWESOME.
Medievalist here for triumphant fact-checking: this story is, if not true, at least true according to the history of the Danes (Gesta Danorum) written in the 12th century by Saxo Grammaticus. You can read his account of Alwilda’s story in the original Latin here, or in English translation here. Highlights include:
She exchanged woman’s for man’s attire, and, no longer the most modest of maidens, began the life of a warlike rover. Enrolling in her service many maidens who were of the same mind, she happened to come to a spot where a band of rovers were lamenting the death of their captain, who had been lost in war; they made her their rover captain.
I love the implication that there were lots of Danish maidens just WAITING for the opportunity of a life of piracy…
Reblogging my old post for this A+ addition to it
Such a fantastic tale!
(Source: lady-averie, via im-lost-but-not-gone)
I was going through my emails and one of my online orders has been dispatched and when I ordered it I had to put in a state but New Zealand doesn’t have states and I was annoyed so I put “New Zealand doesnt have states you fuckass” and now in the dispatch email under delivery addess it totally has “New Zealand doesnt have states you fuckass” as part of it woops.
Yeah so
Yep okay
Sorry mail person
Omfg I can’t breathe
finally a tumblr story thats true
i spat out my drink
(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)
Reenactor throws a spear at a drone
What a time to be alive.
“The medieval warrior, realizing the consequences of his impulsive act, immediately approached the owner of the drone and offered to pay for the damage.
The owner of the drone was so impressed by the brilliant attack that he suggested organizing a competition for bringing down “dragons” with short spears next year.
Drone owners have another year to develop a unique “dragon-like” design for their flying machines.” (x)
I am 100% cooler with this knowing that the spear-thrower realized “oops maybe I shouldn’t have done that” and tried to make it right, and that the guy who the drone belonged to was cool with it
(via johanirae)
So my dad has new clients and their son is transgender. He got pregnant with his boyfriend and put the baby up for adoption and the baby was adopted by a gay couple….which means that his baby daughter has 4 dads and no mom.
This kid is going to own at the ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ game.
“My dads can out-barbershop quartet your dads”
I just choked on air, I hope you’re proud of yourself.
(Source: quymanuel, via academicfeminist)
okay so uh
i apparently have become the person that your math textbook warns you about due to my grocery store only selling buttermilk by the half-gallon
SO
DO ANY OF YOU PEOPLE LIVE WITHIN HALF AN HOUR OF CHARLOTTE HALL, MARYLAND? BECAUSE I AM VERY SHORTLY GOING TO HAVE A COUPLE HUNDRED ANISE COOKIES THAT I NEED TO GET RID OF
no i’m actually serious i need to use all the buttermilk because i’d feel horrible pouring it out and i don’t know what to _do_ with all of them, the recipe makes like 20+ cookies and i’m making twelve batches
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU LIVE NEARBY AND WOULD BE INTERESTED
I DO NOT AT ALL LIVE NEARBY BUT THIS MADE MY NIGHT, I’M FUCKING DYING.
ATTENTION, FEZ HAS BECOME THE PERSON THE MATH TEACHERS WERE TRYING TO WARN US ABOUT.
(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)
Put this on my headstone
So I wrote a short story that I’ve been posting on here bit by bit (I WILL POST THE NEXT SECTION, I SWEAR TO GOD) and I happened to have written it for a class and I brought it in to be critiqued and I just. I can die happy, because I straight-up witnessed a room full of Very Serious Critical Authors (yes I am a little derisive of my Very Pompous College Peers) get into a violent ship war. It escalated to shouting, the teacher looked horrified, and at least two people had brought in copies of the story annotated to support their ship–and these two came in armed and loaded for bear. Or heteronormativity, but same difference.
And so after class I came back to my dorm room and burst through the door and announced to my roommate:
“I have thrown the golden apple of ambiguous lesbianism among the masses and war has broken out.”
And honestly I’ve never been so proud of a sentence that ever came out of my mouth.
Ninety-year-old Freddie Oversteegen was one of the few women that were active in the Dutch resistance during WWII – along with her sister Truus and the famous Hannie Schaft, who was killed just before the end of the war. When Freddie was 14 years old, a gentleman visited her family home to ask her mother if she would allow her daughters to join the resistance – no one would suspect two young girls of being resistance fighters, he argued.
And he was right. The Oversteegen sisters would flirt with Nazi collaborators under false pretences and then lead them into the woods, where instead of a make-out session, the men would be greeted with a bullet.
Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you, The real Black Widow
(Source: knowledgeequalsblackpower, via thepainofthesass)
