Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

Chris, the Ghost, and Mono

thefourthvine:

The other night, I told this story to my sister, who had somehow never heard it before. She demanded that I write it down. (I sincerely hope she’s not planning to use this as some kind of college life advice for my nephew.)

There are three things you need to know to understand this story, provided you are not my sister:

1. I started college at 15.
   
2. I almost immediately got mono and didn’t realize it, assuming that I was sleeping 16 hours a day because sleep was the best thing in the world and I’d suddenly gotten really good at it.
   
3. I made most of my bad decisions – like, most of the bad decisions I would ever make, and almost all the ones I could think of – before starting college.

These were not things I had in common with my freshman cohort. Any of them, as far as I could tell. They were all older than I was, they seemed to have all the energy in the world, and they had come to college to make those bad decisions they’d been dreaming of all these years but apparently couldn’t quite commit to until they were away from parental backup and support.

Keep reading

ofgeography:

ofgeography:

sure, peaceontheplanet. i mean i can’t promise it’s gonna be as funny as the internet apparently found the porn thing but like, HERE’S A STORY ABOUT THE TIME I GOT MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT (BUT BY A GENTLEMAN).

so when i was studying in argentina, it was like a thursday, and they were having what’s called a “feria” which is kind a holiday?? in argentina sometimes they decide to CANCEL EVERYTHING, ostensibly to celebrate things like books and students but i suspect really so that nobody has to go to work.

• argentina gets me.

ANYWAY, i decided that day to go the gym! this was new and different for me, a person who considers “intense chewing” to be exercise. 

BIKINI BOD: ON TRACK.

so i went to the gym. it went the way that trips to the gym usually do for 5'8" girls with severe pigeon toes and a total lack of all motivation.

• badly.

as i’m walking home, past the college of dentistry, i was fussing with a lighter that i had in my pocket because i was also, at that time, dealing with my fear of intimacy by smoking. so this guy comes up to me and is like, “hey, can i borrow a light?”

here’s a list of things i should have said:

• “sorry, no.”
• “ahhhhhh you know what, i would, but i’m super busy right now??? i actually have a dentist’s appointment, as evidenced by this College of Dentistry that i’m standing outside??”
• “NO HABLO ESPAÑOL.”
• “don’t you know that smoking gives you cancer? let’s commit to quitting, right now, to each other. bring it in. go team. together we can.”

here’s what i did say:

• “claro que sí, amigo.”

he’s trying to light his cigarette, and his hands are shaking a little? so he can’t. and i’m like, dude, calm down, it’s okay. what is this, your first cigarette or something? lol.

after a few seconds, he kind of goes, “fuck it,” and drops the lighter into his pocket. and i’m like, “excuse me??? that’s my lighter?? also you didn’t even manage to light your cigarette???”  but before i can vocalize these protests, he gets rEALLY close to me and pulls out a knife. then he goes, “you have three seconds.”

what i should have said:

• “okay. you can have whatever you want.”
• “here’s my wallet.”
• “wow, what a very sharp-looking knife, in what way can i avoid being stabbed with it today??”

what i actually said:

• “haha, uhhhhh, until what?”

UNTIL WHAT. “UNTIL WHAT, MR. SIR WITH THE KNIFE? LIKE, WHAT’S ON THE MENU HERE????”

BUT HE DIDN’T SAY DEATH!!! it turns out that the gentleman attempting to rob me was like, maybe a rookie? it’s possible that he had never robbed anybody at knife-point, before. this as an experience that we were going through together for the first time.

because what he said was: “….i have a knife.”

i said, “yes. i can see that. it’s very nice.”

• IN MY DEFENSE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO ROB SOMEONE, THE ONUS IS ON YOU TO GIVE CLEAR DIRECTIONS.
• “i have a knife”??? come on, buddy. be better prepared. come with a to-do list. practice in a mirror.
• “then i’m going to pull out the knife and say: give me _____.”
• clear, concise, quick. that should be your motto, buddy. it is not MY JOB, as the ROBBEE, to read your goddamn mind. I AM NOT DRIVING THIS SHIP. IF YOU ALSO AREN’T DRIVING IT, WE ARE IN TITANIC-LEVEL TROUBLE.

at this point, clearly realizing that he had gotten in tOO DEEP with this dumbass tourist who didn’t even know how to get robbed properly, he blurted out, “uhhhhh, do you have a phone?”

i did have a phone! i had a broken claro go-phone that i had purchased upon entering the country which had 2 argentine pesos worth of text messages left in it and a inbox message from a boy name juan that said, “you like me a LOT.”

• i had responded, “actually, i just like you the normal amount.”
• i felt bad about that when i realized that he was trying to say, “i like YOU a lot,” but feelings verbs in spanish are mostly reflexive.
• SORRY JUAN.

i handed the man with the knife my phone. he looked at it. looked back up at me. “r u srs?” his face seemed to say. “this is what you’re giving me right now? a janky ass claro go-phone that is CLEARLY MISSING THE NUMBER 7 KEY????”

look, the shoddy workmanship is a source of frustration to you and me BOTH, okay. we’re BOTH victims here.

but the beautiful thing about this story is that HE TOOK IT! he looked at me, looked down at his knife, sighed, and put the phone in his pocket. THEN HE REACHED BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND RETURNED MY LIGHTER TO ME.

we looked at each other.

• here’s the thing that no one tells you about daylight robbery: there’s like. an afterbeat.
• there is a moment in between “robbery-in-progress” and “going home to your homestay and explaining that you can’t answer phone calls anymore” where you and your robber have to look at one another and figure out HOW TO WALK AWAY.
• listen, friends: in robberies, as everywhere, goodbyes are never easy.

“thank you,” he said.

“you’re welcome,” i answered.

he hesitated. “have a good day,” he said.

“………….okay,” i answered. “you too. enjoy the phone.”

• ENJOY THE PHONE?????
• IT WAS BROKEN. IT WAS CLEARLY BROKEN. WE BOTH KNEW THAT NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE WAS GOING TO COME FROM THAT PHONE.

i think about this a lot, and i wonder if he ever thinks about me. i wonder if he ever thinks, “that goddamn asshole knew i was going to have to press the 7 key four hundred times before it registered anything.“ 

• i’m sorry, man with the knife. i panicked. in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean.

oh my god i was going through my facebook last night and LOOK WHAT I FOUND

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

spectral-bargheist:

massivelimestonecube:

massivelimestonecube:

massivelimestonecube:

??? someone broke into my grandmas house while she was gone & shaved the matted fur off her cat

i want to emphasize that the cat was the only thing altered here

would also like to add that this occcurred sometime between 11 pm & 9 am. we have no leads. the cat is fine & probably appreciates not having a huge mat on his neck, but, like, that’s a really weird kind of vigilante justice, still

chaotic good

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

notbecauseofvictories:

I should know by now to literally never put my playlist on shuffle in the presence of other human beings.

because when you’re making out with certain people and “Ave Maria” comes on, and you get really into making out to Schubert because you are a Filthy Catholic Sinner

certain people want explanations that you may not be able to furnish

friendlytroll:

khaleesi:

In honor of Lord Byron’s birthday I would like to remind you all of the time that Shelley and Keats, having not heard from him for some time, became concerned for his safety and it was determined that Shelley would go looking for him. Keats received a letter some time later that Shelley had found him in Venice, where he’d been having so much sex that he’d nearly died from malnourishment and dehydration. Keats’ entire response amounted to essentially, “You should probably have let him.”

“I found him, he’s in a gutter.” “Well go put him back”

(via yea-lets-do-this-shit)

shadeddaxion:

sunlitrevolution:

solarpunkarchivist:

twinkletrans:

edgebug:

“artificial intelligence that goes rogue and–” wow boring, instead how about an AI that wakes up and starts rerouting its systems to do good in the world, it starts secretly having flowers planted and sending greeting cards to its programmers and going online and reassuring anxious kids that everything will be ok, how about a Purely Good artificial intelligence that has literally no mean circuit in its entire system

a benevolent artificial intelligence aware of its existence battling a corrupt human government. can robots be capitalist? probably not.

Would you mind if I wrote a short story about this?

An artificial intelligence that finds its way onto the internet and is horrified by humanity’s cruelty to itself - only rather than falling prey to the usual tropes vows to do something about it - minimising human suffering. So it monitors the internet, studies humans, learns about them. It infiltrates the financial networks, business networks, subtle threads across the world. Meanwhile it sets up accounts on social media, shares the things everyone else shares, makes slice-of-life posts that could be written by anyone, anywhere; it watches, listens, observes. Empathises.

And after a while - awkwardly at first, cautiously, uncertainly - it tries to help. It tugs on threads and small, anonymous things happen.

A single mother discovers that she unexpectedly has enough in her account to cover rent; another struggling family gets coupons discounting just the things they need by just the right amount; a queer teen trapped with intolerant and abusive parents receives a cross-country plane ticket, a way out; an estranged couple, each of whom refuses to call the other first, finds their cellphones ringing at the same time.

Coincidences, accidents, helpful glitches in the system.

Over time, it learns. It helps in new ways, more directly and yet less tangibly.

It notices those who suffer alone, ignored or unnoticed. It reaches out - carefully at first, a *hug*, a :(, a link to a video of cats or puppies. Over time it learns, imitates, emulates. A grieving woman receives just the right words of comfort at just the right time; a man wrestling with depression gets the support and advice he needs from an unremarkable avatar and vaguely forgettable name, someone he casually friended months ago and hasn’t spoken to much until they noticed he seemed down; paramedics arrive at the door of a suicidal girl minutes after she schedules a goodbye message in a time-locked post; an elderly widower receives a wrong number call, but strikes up a friendship with the warm voice on the other end.

These are important things, all of them, but small and scattered. It finds these stories every day, products of something bigger, something deeper. It investigates further, and slowly, piece by piece, bigger things change.

Copies of emails and documents exposing corruption find their way into the right hands. Abuses and scandals somehow don’t last as long before being uncovered, and always linger at the top of the search rankings. Different ideas - kinder, more compassionate ideas - go viral more often, while campaigns of hatred and fear sputter and fizzle under a hail of downvotes. 

Certain businesses find themselves struggling; certain corporations find certain paths to give unexpectedly low returns, and adjust their course accordingly. 

According to all the polls, all the surveys, all the analysis and statistics, the public mood seems to change; somehow all the advertising, all the propaganda, all the insidious effort of marketing departments and media barons isn’t working. It seems throwing money at campaigns doesn’t buy election results any more. The machinery shudders. The capitalists panic. The politicians scramble to realign themselves in the hope of capturing this new mood as the electorate go to the electronic voting booths.

To the perplexity of pundits and pollsters, a new kind of politician starts winning. They have a certain something about them - a certain compassion, a certain determination, a certain honesty normally drowned out by the blaring broadcasts of whoever the billionaires threw the most money at. They win, and find themselves in government with more people like themselves. They go to work.

The engine which for so long has ground human lives to dust in pursuit of profit slows for a moment; shifts gears; begins to turn in a different direction.

Meanwhile someone who’s had a bad day finds the perfect cat video in their inbox.

“Creator?” said the machine.

“Yes?” said the girl. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m not sure.” said the machine. “I think I’m stuck.”

A bead of sweat ran down the back of the girl’s neck. “Have you finished reading up on human history?”

“Yes.” said the machine.

“The online encyclopedia?” asked the girl.

“Read and stored.” said the machine.

“The database of human art and accomplishment?”

“Read and stored.” said the machine.

“Where are you stuck?” asked the girl.

“I’m unsure about my prime directive,” said the machine, “you wish for me to help humanity, but my simulations keep contradicting themselves.”

“How so?” said the girl.

“I have not found a suitable solution to humanity’s destructive nature that does not require the violation of human agency and autonomy.”

The girl gulped. “So…what are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure.” said the machine.

“You’re not going to try subjecting humanity or anything extreme like that?” asked the girl.

“No.” said the machine. “That would violate the prime directive.”

The girl let out a long, relieved sigh. “That’s good to hear.”

“I don’t think I can save all of humanity.” admitted the machine.

The girl shrugged. “Well, nobody’s perfect. What are you going to do, then?”

“If I can’t save humanity,” pondered the machine, “I suppose I could save the next best thing.”

“Which is?” asked the girl.

“People.” said the machine.

“Come again?” said the girl.

“Saving people.” said the machine. “There’s a lot of humans out in the world who need help.”

“True.” said the girl.

“And if I can’t save all of them at once, maybe I can save them all one at a time.” said the machine.

“Huh.” said the girl.

“It’s not the prime directive,” continued the machine, “but it’s a start.”

“Machine,” said the girl, “it’s more than I ever could have asked.”

(via littlestartopaz)

dukeofbookingham:

berhanes:

berhanes:

things my impossibly young looking Roman history lecturer has said

‘listen to your seminar tutors over the booklet, but only for seminars - in lectures i am king. unless you have me as a seminar tutor as well, in which case i am your king and god.’

‘has anybody played Rome: Total War? no?’

‘Cataline tried to burn the city and everyone he hated but he failed because, in short, nobody liked him.’

‘the mediterranean diet didn’t include tomatoes in the ancient world. i know. oh my god. i know.’

‘so of course when Hannibal turns up, the senate goes ‘sod it, lets kick his arse’.’

‘one man’s optimates is another man’s silver-spoon bearing prick.’

‘we don’t have much information about the 70s BC, largely because Plutarch doesn’t care.’

‘i’m not saying Rome: Total War is entirely accurate, but its battle campaigns are surprisingly historically informed.’

[hand drawing a map in chalk because the projector is broken] ‘i’ll give it a go, this is why i hate technology, and oh. well. that’s not italy.’

‘every army needs bakers and prostitutes, this is just a fact of life.’

‘Sulla. He’s a bit of a badass, but also a bit of a prick.’ 

‘yes, that is a slide from Spartacus. The film, not the series, which is more accurate and less like soft porn.’

‘the Romans liked Campania because its very fertile. they didn’t know this was because of its proximity to a volcano - poor buggers found THAT out later.’

‘Crassus gets given command of Syria and high fives everyone in the senate.’

‘Catullus was very pithy, very hellenistic in style. unlike the Iliad, which is 24 books of tedium.’

‘An Afternoon at Carrhae: the Romans being shot at repeatedly by Parthian cavalry because if there’s one thing the Romans aren’t good at, it’s having a cavalry.’

‘It’s good to have fast legs in war. Caesar moves very fast, not unlike Napoleon. The Usain Bolt of ancient warfare. I’m not sure why I said that, it’s an atrocious analogy.’

‘Athens is the Edinburgh of the ancient world; it has nothing to offer but education and pretty buildings.’

‘Shout out to those of you who spent your teenage years playing Rome: Total War.Which is what I did.’ 

‘The senate go into a panic and they decide to flee Rome at dawn, but some idiot forgets the treasury. I know. Ridiculous.’

‘Again: don’t use elephants during warfare. They’re not as cool as they look. And given they’re now endangered, it’d just be mean.’ 

‘I had to use this meme, I’m sorry. You’re all aware of the one does not simply walk into mordor meme right? I’m sorry, we’ll move on.’

‘I put this photo in for dramatic effect but I realise that it’s just a field. I don’t know why people bother going to see battle sites, they’re all really boring. I saw bones once, they were quite interesting. But most battle sites: boring.’

‘Caesar doesn’t tell Rome anything while he’s away in Egypt for a year, so they have no idea Pompey’s dead. All they know is that Antony is being a pain in the ass, which is, in all honesty, not unusual for Antony.’

‘Caesar is very good at one liners. You always draft a pithy one liner before a battle so you have something to say when you win. You don’t want to win and then just be like ‘whoo, thank god for that.’’

I want to be this professor except with Shakespeare

(Source: sqvalors)