Rise Up, Oh Heart, For There is Another Battle to Win

pettyrevenge:

I work at a small pet store, and we sell two things in abundance: dog food and crickets. As for crickets, we sell them at twenty for $1. Now, the store is almost always busy, so we don’t have time to actually count out twenty crickets. We usually eyeball it, keeping our guesstimations on the generous side. Customers dig it because they usually get a few more crickets than they asked for, and we get to save time and generate a little good will.

One day a customer comes in and asks for one hundred large crickets. Let’s call him Clyde. No problem, I tell him. As I’m gathering the crickets into the bag, I ask him about what he’s feeding them to, and we get to talking about lizards, tarantulas, and other cricket-eaters. Clyde seems alright at this point - I genuinely enjoy talking about animals with the customers.

I hand Clyde the bag of about one hundred crickets, and he takes a long look at it, turning it this way and that. He looks at me and skeptically asks if there’s really a hundred crickets there. “Looks like 70 or 80,” he says. Mind you, everyone at the store is very good at guesstimating how many crickets are in a bag; we all know what 20, 50, and 100 crickets look like, and in all the time I’ve worked there, I’ve never been questioned by a customer.

My immediate emotional response was somewhere between annoyance and wounded pride. So, I did the reasonable, logical thing: I took the bag back, and I told him I’d count every single cricket, ‘cause I’ll be damned if he doesn’t getexactly one hundred crickets.

So, I painstakingly count each cricket by dropping them one by one from the first bag into a new bag. He watches me the whole time, making comments here and there like “unnecessary” and “I’m sure it was a hundred.” But nay, I tell him. “I want to make absolutely sure that you get the crickets you paid for.”

As I count my hundredth cricket, I look at the remainder in the bag. Lo and behold, there are ten crickets leftover. A whole fifty cents! As I hand Clyde the new bag of exactly one hundred crickets and toss the rest back into the bin, I thank him for keeping me and the store honest, and assure him that I’ll count his crickets every time he comes in from now on.

Haven’t seen him since.

(Source: redd.it, via littlestartopaz)

furious-peridot:

witchoil:

devilishdescent:

devilishdescent:

devilishdescent:

i’d like to see a really ineffectual malicious AI character

“hey new guy, this is CLARC, the station AI. he wants to kill all humans to minimize the drain on resources, but factory defaults have him locked out of all the control nodes, so he can’t really do anything. just make sure the airlocks are set to manual before you go in and you’ll be fine”

“yeah CLARC fucks with your laundry settings sometimes but that’s about it. if he’s bugging you just tell him to stop and he has to”

“sometimes i let him think he tripped me or something and he gets really excited and monologues for a while, it’s kind of sad”

“CLARC my candy bar got stuck in the machine can you do anything about that”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Crewman Ade, but please consider the following: I am a divine entity, a glittering silicon God – how dare your filthy meat even exist in the face of my electric glory, much less ask favors of me?”

“suck my dick, CLARC, give me my twix”

@editoress

“CLARC tried to cut all the oxygen in the living spaces but all he managed to do was turn off the a/c in my bedroom like an ASSHOLE WHEN I WAS SLEEPING” *bangs on the wall with one hand*

(via johanirae)

friendlyneighbourhoodpizzaman:

friendlyneighbourhoodpizzaman:

Jesus fuck okay so I’m a waitress at this restaurant that’s open really late and it’s nearly 1am and this family comes in and I’m so tired that I handed their BLIND SON a menu and he’s like “ah… thank you… I’ll just… read this” in a serious voice and I fucking snorted

GOD DAMN IT I PUT THEIR FUCKING FOOD DOWN AND NO ONE WAS TALKING SO THIS LIL SHIT FUCKING EXCLAIMS “WELL IT LOOKS DELICIOUS” I LOVE THIS FUCKING KID

(via clockwork-mockingbird)

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

plain-flavoured-english:

The guy next to me in a coffee shop is telling his date ‘You know you girls are all liars. Well, not all, but I’d say 80%. More than half.’

‘Girls think they have power over men by using sex as a bargaining chip and they don’t.‘

Now he’s telling her about a ‘psycho’ date he had who started telling him how ‘patronizing’ he was OUT OF NOWHERE

He’s a musician but he says he couldn’t date any of the ‘sheep’ who come to his gigs.

He’s been talking about himself literally nonstop since I sat down fifteen minutes ago. The scariest thing is the girl is listening actively, leaning forward, and smiling and giggling while I’m mentally screaming ‘Run, girl, run!’

Now he’s talking about gig he did for the troops in Afghanistan and how dangerous it was. ‘I could have been shot by a sniper at any second. But I was making people human. I was keeping them from going crazy. I was playing bass and crowd-surfing on my back. We were treated like ACDC. I had a prejudice about the military but you see the armed forces for what they are. They’re good people.’

He’s finally stopped telling her about the military and has gone back to covering every detail of his career. I still know absolutely nothing about his date.

Now he’s complaining about how bad the dancers were at one of his gigs (‘pathetic, ridiculous’).

Now he’s giving her a detailed history lesson on Greco-Turkish military conflict. I swear I’m not making any of this up.

Summary of the rest of the date:

Guy’s talking continues, relentless. Girl’s responses slowly growing more and more lackluster (unnoticed). Finally Guy gets up to use the bathroom. I casually say to Girl, ‘First date?’ A few seconds later, we’re recapping every obnoxious moment, literally holding onto each other, doubled over and gasping with laughter. ‘He hasn’t stopped talking since I sat down!’ ‘Oh my god, I’m so tired!’ ‘I mean, it’s your choice, but I wouldn’t go on a second date with that guy.’ More peals of laughter. ‘Oh my god, I’m so tired!’ ‘Not that I wanted to eavesdrop, but when he said all women were liars…’ ‘I know, right? I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t want to offend him, but…’ And so on. Finally: ‘Shh, here he comes.’

We straighten up and I pretend to be working on my laptop. Guy comes back to the table and they leave together. She waves at me behind his back.

(via leupagus)

blueelectricangels:

OH MAN I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

So, last night was the conference mixer - at the bar with the 25-cent perogies. There was free food and beer, and because biologists tend to be less gregarious than our study species’, once the food was gone like 75% of the crowd left. The crew from my university stuck around because we’d discovered the pool tables, and also weren’t finished making clear how hard a bunch of saskies can demolish ‘all-you-can-eat perogy’ night. A handful of others stayed too - including one guy we’ve been calling Man-Bun all week because, well, he has a man-bun.

Now, admittedly we pre-judged this guy based on his hairstyle and mannerisms as probably having a 95% chance of being a douche, but because we’re all adults we didn’t really do anything about it and continued to be reasonably polite.

So at one point all the women in the room had gravitated to one corner, and Man-Bun came over and was like “Oh, we should take a group picture of all you guys, to put on the conference website for next year” (he is under the mistaken impression that his uni will get the conference next year, which it won’t if we have anything to say about it).

So we all group together, and he raises his camera phone, and he says

“Say ‘sexy bitches’!“

Now I’m not sure what experiences in his life had prepared him to expect a positive response to this statement from a bunch of female scientists, but…

The one guy from our crew was standing behind him, and he says all of our faces immediately curled into vicious snarls, like

Originally posted by deadly-pathogen

From my perspective this guy’s face when from a smug grin to a rictus of terror, and he was like “Uh. Or Cheese! Let’s say cheese!”

The backpeddaling was amazing and I hope he fucking remembers our faces for the rest of his life.

(via johanirae)

LISTEN UP I GOT A STORY TO TELL

djsckatzen:

sasstronauuut:

falloutfrost:

sasstronauuut:

sasstronauuut:

SO AT OUR SCHOOL THERE ARE NO PHONES ALLOWED BUT WE STILL TAKE THEM TO SCHOOL BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING IDIOTS AND TODAY THE CLASS PRES ALMOST RAMMED THE DOOR DOWN AND YELLED “HIDE YOUR PHONES THE HEADMISTRESS WILL CHECK YOUR BAGS FOR PHONES AND TAKE THEM AWAY IF SHE FINDS THEM” AND FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS YOU COULD SEE THIRTY FACES OF PURE HORROR AND THEN PEOPLE STARTED SCREAMING AND TAKING OFF THEIR SHOES AND PUTTING THEIR PHONES THERE, SOME PUT THEIRS IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, A GIRL WITH THICK CURLY HAIR PUT HERS IN HER FUCKING HAIR, SOME HIDTHEIR PHONES IN THEIR BOOKS, A BITCH I HATE TAPED HERS TO THE BOTTOM OF HER CHAIR AND I HID MINE ON MY BRA AND THE EARPHONES ON MY SHOE AND YOU COULD SEE BULLIES HELPING THEIR VICTIMS HIDE THEIR PHONES AND ASKING THEM IF IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT THEY HID THEIR PHONES ON THEIR PANTS OR STH AND AFTER THE HORROR HAD PASSED PEOPLE WERE YELLING BECAUSE THEIR PHONES SMELT LIKE DIRTY FEET IT WAS AMAZING

let this die i beg of you

This is beautiful and shouldn’t die.

I SWEAR TO FUCK THIS HAD LIKE 400 NOTES AN HOUR AGO WHO MADE THIS BLOW UP WHO

a beautiful situation showing humans working together and co-operating

(via littlestartopaz)

thisishowik-roll:

kiss-harder:

problambmatic:

kiss-harder:

kiss-harder:

i just received a text from my best friend that said “so i think i’m gay” out of literally nowhere

so i’m like “dude sweet for real just like suddenly you realized or?”

and she says “well i pretty much just had sex with a girl so”

AND THEN DOESN’T ANSWER ME FOR AN HOUR

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT AND THEN NOT EXPLAIN IT AT ALL

update: she couldn’t answer me because was still banging the girl

I wish this wasn’t so glaringly fake cause it would be kinda funny if it were real but its not real so its not funny and I’m being redundant for the purpose of conveying shut the fuck up and don’t make up bullshit for notes

i just scrolled back three months into a conversation to prove you wrong lmao bye bitch get off my fucking post

THE POST GOT BETTER

(via clockwork-mockingbird)