And for a short time, every donkey in every campaign was safe.
(Source: goblingrog, via bonehandledknife)
When you hear a new song on the radio and you’re desperately trying to pick a notable phrase so you can google it later
Gather round, kids. Let me tell you a story from ye olden days because I am tumblr elderly. I used to DJ for a radio station. I played records and CDs and we had station IDs from bands on 8 track cartes. People would call me asking what songs were–but they had to mumble, sing, or play the song on an instrument. I had someone call me to ask what Smells Like Teen Spirit was when it was a single. They played it on an accordion. I forgot about it until a moment ago when I saw this post.
(via keeperofthehens)
Who wants to hear how I rekted a straight boys ego in gym class today? Because in really fucking proud rn
*is waiting*
*cracks knuckles* okay nerds listen the fuck up.
So I’m in a special gym class for the swim team, so it’s coed with the boys and girls swim team for my school. It’s leg day, and I was setting up my rack for squats. Now I don’t usually go hard in gym because I don’t fucking care and I’m a 3 season athlete, I don’t actually need extra fuxking exercise. I only put maybe 10 pounds on the bar, and this fucking twig looking punk ass comes from fucking nowhere and starts laughing. Mind you I’m taller than fucking everyone in this class, I towered over this twerp. I ask him why he’s laughing, and he says, WITH A STRAIGHT FACE, “Women are so weak” and I almost decked his ass right then but I bite my tongue. For no fucking reason he decided to continue, “Why are women even in sports, they can’t do anything! What’s your max, 50 pounds?” And all his friends are laughing and telling him how cool this he is. So I challenge him to a squatting challenge, I want to see how much weight he can squat. He’s all reluctant now, saying how that wasn’t safe for me, how I might hurt myself, but my swim coach comes from behind and says she would like to see it so he’s like “Fine, whatever, if you get hurt it ain’t my fault.”
He proceeds to put fucking 100 pounds on, my ass is trying not to laugh because wow that’s “a lot”, and the whole time he is struggling, groaning and making gross ass male noises, and only got 4 reps in. He sets it back on the rack and looks at me with this fucking smirk, surrounded by his douche group, and omg I’m about to just drop kick his ass, and he does that stupid hand motion towards the rack. I walk over and my team members ask me how much I want. I tell them to double it. Everyone stops and my coach is smiling cause she knows how much I can squat. My teammates are like “… Are you sure?” And I tell them how I’m fucking ready. So they put 100 more pounds on, making it now 200 pounds, and I tell them to back off. I then walk over and add 50 more pounds, the whole time looking at this white trash. He looks like a dead man, crusty lookin ass about to pass out. The bar now has 250 pounds, and I get 15 reps in. I set it down and I walk up to him, not having broken a sweat, and just pat him on the cheek before continuing on with my workout. My teammates are all freaking out, telling me how cool that was and how they never knew, but the boys team looks like they’re going to cry. I’m really fucking sore but I regret nothing.
That’s the story how I went up in weight for my squat with the pure determination of breaking up fuckbois dreams @ask-elizabeth-holly-hamilton
Okay I was looking back on this because we were maxing today and my coach said that wasn’t my max and I’m like??? What, and I realized I never accounted for the bar, so that makes total weight was 295.
I’m relieved beyond belief that I’m not the only person who pulled this kind of stunt in gym class. You fucking go, honey, I’m proud as shit, this story was fucking glorious.
(via dyinghistoric)
Add Alice, Kim, Theresa and Vivian (top photo) to the Yearbook Hall of Fame. Cause you wouldn’t ask everyone with the last name Smith if they were related, would you? Fun Fact: There’s actually a simple, historical reason Nguyen is such a common Vietnamese name.
(Source: mic.com, via yea-lets-do-this-shit)
Legend
Lol
This is pretty funny lol
(Source: chobuu, via yea-lets-do-this-shit)
today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said “thanks” and half of me tried to say “you’re welcome” and the other half tried to say “no problem” and i ended up saying “your problem”
this post had me in tears
I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:
I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,
My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn
Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”
Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.
This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))
I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”
Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.
When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”
something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”
one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”
Once I was walking to school and there was a guy walking his dog and the dog came to me and started sniffing me and I was in such a good mood and when I passed by his owner I wanted to say like “hello” or “good morning” or “cute dog” or something like that and I ended up looking up at him, smiling real big, and saying “thank you”.
I was at the convenience store and I was going to buy a drink, but i dropped my keys and the drink when I got to the register so I got caught between “my drink!” and “my keys” and ended up screaming “MY KINK.”
I walked up to this register,in a target. When the cashier finished checking me out she said have a good day, and i wanted to say “You have a good day” and “You too” so it came out “You have a good do do”
I FUCKIN H HIT MY HEAD ON A CHAIR FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THIS FUCKING POS T
There’s so many new stories on this since the last time I saw it and fuck I am laughing so hard I think I’m annoying my roommate
These are too damn good to pass up reading!
Four years ago: in class, I meant to say “in-text citations” but thought “works cited” and also messed up the order of words all at once. I said “sex work in cites” and that was the end of class that day.
My college is tiny and my class was small enough that all the professors do a receiving line and shake the hands of all the graduates after the ceremony. They were all saying, “Congratulations.” And I was super flustered and realized about a third of the way down the line that I was saying, “Congratulations” back to each professor. So then I said, “You’re welcome.” And then I just made mumbly sounds and waited for it to be over.
I stayed up late talking to a friend on Skype and France came up for some reason, so I said I could never live in France because I don’t know Spanish. He made me go to bed after that.
I was working at a doctor’s office and someone called asking me to fax them a document. I faxed it while on the phone and told them it was done. They said “thank you” and I think I was trying to say “no problem” but ended up just saying “no” and hanging up
back when i was in highschool, i was answering a question about a text the teacher gave us and i was hesitating between saying “what this means to say” and “the meaning of this text” and i blurted out “the meaning of this sex” while looking my teacher dead in the eye. He dismissed us because he was laughing too hard.
I was talking to a friend of mine and I tried saying “go suck a dick” and “go fuck yourself” at the same time and it came out “go fuck your dick”
I’m in tears. This post is amazing.
(Source: archive95205, via clockwork-mockingbird)
(Source: best-of-memes, via clockwork-mockingbird)
Currently sitting in the back of a dissertation workshop I’m not supposed to be in because of a timetabling screw-up… I’m the only person here from the Shakespeare MA and because it would be super awkward to leave at this point I’m just going to sit here and spy on the medieval lit students for two hours and see how well I can blend in
Duke to Control: the medievalists have yet to detect my presence, but my mission grows precarious… increasingly concerned that my disdain for Chaucer will give me away
Duke to Control: mission accomplished. I have infiltrated the ranks and the medievalists have accepted me as one of their own. Will proceed to Phase 2 of Operation Equatorium unless otherwise instructed. Hail Shakespeare.
