I just realized I haven’t told you guys about how 3rd President of the United States Thomas Jefferson haunts my dorm room.
Okay so basically at the beginning of the year, weird shit began happening in our dorm room, me and my roommate would hear/see things, TVs and phones and computers would start on there own and do other weird things.
We decided jokingly that the room was haunted and named the ghost Jeff and even made it a door tag.
Me and my roommate began to notice a trend it the activity of “Jeff” He always seemed to act up most when I talked shit about Thomas Jefferson or James Madison’s personality/policies/etc.
We began to joke that it was Thomas Jefferson or James Madison (hell we even joked it might be Dolley)
Well the other day, our ghost confirmed himself as “Thomas Jefferson.”
After a particularly rude attack on Thomas Jefferson character (I claimed the best thing he ever did was die.) A fucking giant ass jumbo size box of Mac and Cheese fell off of the tallest shelf in our dorm room.
I’m talking one of these babies but it’s like a 20 pack. To me it’s obviously that this is obviously proof that “inventor” of mac and cheese, 3rd President of the United States who was born and died in Virginia travelled to Upstate New York in an area he never even came close to in his life to haunt my dorm
My roommate is not convinced though: She still thinks it could be James Madison.
But a Madison-sized ghost couldn’t have reached the mac and cheese (We conducted an experiment to see if Madison would have been able to reach it when he was only 5′4″ and being 5′4″, I couldn’t even reach it jumping up and down.)
So yes, me and my roommate have proved undeniable that Thomas Jefferson haunts our dorm room.
Also she pointed out that we randomly named the ghost “Jeff” which is pretty fucking close to Jefferson. Coincidence? OBVIOUSLY NOT.
“But a Madison-sized ghost couldn’t have reached the mac and cheese”
I’m so glad I was alive to see this sentence written.
Why were you regularly shit talking founding fathers tho
OKAY CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCKYOU SHIP A PACKAGE OF COOKIES TO A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NEW JERSEY, ONLY TO HAVE IT NOT GET THERE ON TIME BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN GUAM?
I JUST
GUAM?
IM CRYING REAL TEARS MAH DUDES THE COOKIES ARE IN GUAM
KATIE TRIED TO SEND US COOKIES OUTTA THE GOODNESS OF HER HEART AND JUST
“OHHHH THESE COOKIES WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO NEW JERSEY, PHIL? I THOUGHT YOU SAID
12/27, 8:37PM CT
ITS STILL IN FUCKING GUAM
12/28, 12:18PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE IN HONOLULU GUYS THEY ***FINALLY LEFT GUAM***
12/28, 10:22PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE FINALLY ON THEIR WAY TO NEW JERSEY
also as a bonus visual here’s a rough approximation of these cookies’ journey
how the FUCK did this blow up and get so many notes
SO FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, @homebeccer@phantomrose96@cupcakecreeper AND I WANTED TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD ACTUALLY COST THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO INTENTIONALLY SEND THESE COOKIES FROM TEXAS TO GUAM TO NEW JERSEY AND???????????????
AND
IT’S
IT’S
IT’S NOT AN OPTION IT’S NOT AN OPTION I CAN’T I-
I COULDN’T EVEN HAVE SENT THESE COOKIES TO GUAM EVEN IF I’D HAVE TRIED
Cant believe we uncovered the Guam Cookie glitch folks
Its not even an in-game feature
Oh my god it’s back
H O W
I’ve had this sort of thing happen.
At least it explained why the package took so long to get here.
I appreciate that they have an Entire Stamp for “Missent to Nepal”
No one said “hey let’s stop missending things to Nepal” they just said “let’s make a stamp for this” and called it a day.
I’m gonna get Missent to Guam tattooed on my arm in commemoration.
My favorite thing about Dungeons & Dragons is how fucking quickly people become ride-or-die bitches with each other
no lie i had a campaign where I tried playing a really chaotic neutral “leave me alone” rouge and ended up attached at the hip to our monk who couldn’t roll higher than a natural 10 to literally save his life bc in our first encounter he called my character “a nice lass” and that was all it took
Once made a tinker type halfling and realized that it was actually a really terrible idea since 1) nobody else in the party was mechanical and 2) there weren’t really any weapons that depended on my character’s skills to use. So he was basically a tiny little short dude who was really good at fixing watches, making and throwing alchemist fires and creating warmachines (if he had the time). We also used a homebrew point system where if you crippled your character you could get more points to spend on other things - so poor little Halfling tinkerer had two leg braces, moved at half the speed of everyone else, had an addiction to smoking/chewing tobacco/alcohol and didn’t have the eyesight to use long range weapons/rifles.
He was useless in the current team comp of Elf Sorcerer/Wizard, Human Fighter and Dwarf Cleric of sorts.
Until someone joined and rolled a Warforged. They were inseparable, to the point where I put points in ride and got the DM to give us a little custom harness/saddle so my character could hitch a ride. The Warforged wanted to discover why it was created and what it meant to exist; the Halfling wanted to create something close to the deathstar.
Imagine this - you’re a shitty villain waiting for the heroes to arrive. You know three of them are generic elf/human/dwarf combo with magic, and the fourth is a shitty little halfling, when suddenly a Warforged comes charging through the goddamn wall (John Cena style) with a Halfling riding him like Mother Fucking Mad Max Master Blaster. The Warforged is a monk throwing Str 20+ punches with the fury of his machine god behind his fists while his tiny crippled buddy, who repairs him in exchange for a ride/protection, is suspended in a child’s carrying harness throwing alchemist fire with one hand and shooting off a revolver with the other.
Death comes for you, and it’s in a baby carrier on 7′ of fist.
I absolutely adore discovering what different people find hilarious with Cards Against Humanity because you’ll have someone who won’t even flinch when a card like “bees?” or “Boris the Soviet Love Hammer” is played but in the next second they’re crying from laughing at "this is your pilot speaking fasten your seat belts and prepare for clams“
do yourselves a huge favor today and go through the notes/tags on this post because some of the card combinations people are bringing up are out of this goddamn world
The computer said my next patient’s name was Lucifer, and that he was a domestic. Not that an unusual name for a pet, I have to admit.
“Come on in. Do you have Lucifer hiding in that box for me?” I say. A gentleman dressed all in black with a rather spiky aesthetic and a selection of piercings comes into my consult room and opens the box.
He places a perfectly black rabbit on the table.
Honestly, I had been expecting a cat.
Turns out Lucifer is his new rabbit. He’d insisted on taking it from a friend who wasn’t taking care of it a few months ago.
Lucifer, for his part, had decided the table was too scary and that his dad’s leather clad armpit was the best place to be.
To my surprise and delight, our new goth rabbit owner is doing everything right. Perfect diet, read up on rabbit health, vaccinating, enrichment, the works.
He even started a vegetable garden to grow treats for the rabbit, or as he put it, “tributes for lucifer.”
My favorite thing about Dungeons & Dragons is how fucking quickly people become ride-or-die bitches with each other
no lie i had a campaign where I tried playing a really chaotic neutral “leave me alone” rouge and ended up attached at the hip to our monk who couldn’t roll higher than a natural 10 to literally save his life bc in our first encounter he called my character “a nice lass” and that was all it took
“what’s new pussycat” is playing in the starbucks right now im yellin g
tHE BARISTA IS SMIRKING OKAY THIS WAS 100% INTENTIONAL
there’s a table of girls laughing and singing along holy shit they knOW
the baristas are feigning innocence i canno t believe this im living a real life salt n pepper diner experience right now
i realize i put a lot of information in the tags of the first post so let me reiterate: it was definitely playing on a loop. it looped at least 4 times before the girls at the table caught on and started teasing the baristas about it
update: they’re now playing all-star by smash mouth, this starbucks is run by a bunch of meme loving fucks
Some Belated Valentines 2k17 Highlights from Flower Land
- The giant Russian man who stormed through the door while we were quite busy and shouted “Whoooo is helping me? I need BEST FLOWERS in the WORLD because I have BEST WIFE!!”
- The old man who picked up his roses at 8 AM and when I said “I hope she likes them!” giggled and said “These oughta keep me outta the dog house for at least a week!”
- At 3 PM: “I need a delivery of tulips to the south side today.” “We aren’t doing any more deliveries to the south side today.” “I should tell you that this is on behalf of my client {Redacted Football Player} of The Bears and he is willing to pay literally anything.”
- “Hey, boss, I have an order from FootballPlayer of The Bears and he is willing to pay literally anything.” “Don’t you mean FootballPlayer of The Bears FOR NOW?”
-“Okay tell him we’ll do it but he has to buy all our remaining tulips.”
- One guy wanted to buy a teddy bear holding a real rose so I made a teeny tiny rose bouquet for the bear to hold and it is easily the cutest thing I have ever made.
- This same guy grabbed a 55 dollar arrangement from my table and brought it to me and said “Add flowers to this until it is 200 dollars.”
- Valentine’s Day makes some men crazy.
- When the last man came in to pick up his arrangement twenty minutes after we were supposed to close everyone who was working shouted his name in unison and it was Hilarious.
- All the parents sending flowers to their single professional daughters. Almost all of them made me teary. People from all over the country have daughters who live in Chicago and are single and they all wanted to send their single Chicago daughters flowers.
- “A man is calling and he says you are his best friend?” “What?” “He has an Eastern European accent?” “OH! It’s the man who has the best wife!”
- “I would like 100 roses.” “That will be 600 dollars.” “I would like 12 roses.”
