thanatoswrath asked: Minerva McGonagall

Lol. I feel bad. I mean Minerva McGonagall for the prompt thing of yours. Sorry for not clarifying

I got you, my buddy.  HBIC Minerva McGonagall, coming right up.

A: what I think realistically

McGonagall is widely hailed as The One That Got Away through every Auror’s department in the world, in much the same way that Dumbledore is hailed as The One That Got Away regarding the Minister of Magic.  Stories get around to the tune of “wow, did you hear, Minerva McGonagall took a dozen Stunners straight to the chest and they think she’s going to recover fully” and “wow, did you hear, Minerva McGonagall animated every statue in Hogwarts” and “wow, did you hear, Minerva McGonagall tortured a Death Eater in Ravenclaw Tower.”  (This last is not true, and McGonagall puffs up in a combination of fierce pride and genuine offense whenever she hears it.  How dare you but also my House, goddamnit, he belongs in MY House.)  And the older Aurors are like “Goddamn right, she’s Minerva Fucking McGonagall, she could have run this place if she didn’t like teaching so much.” 

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

It was definitely Minerva McGonagall’s idea to, A, make James Potter Head Boy, and, B, drown the Dursleys in letters.

The thing about James Potter is that he wasn’t a prefect.  Remus was a prefect.  Remus, however, was also reliably flat on his back the two days around the full moon, and Somewhat Indisposed that one night a month, and so someone had to cover his duties.  The first time McGonagall found James doing Remus’ patrol (and look suspiciously exhausted about it too) she almost gave him detention for life.  But…  

“One chance, Mister Potter,” she says stiffly.  “If I hear you’ve been abusing this, I’ll take it straight to the Headmaster.”

“You got it Minn–I mean, um, yes, Professor.”  James offers her a smile that makes the circles under his eyes stand out.  McGonagall does some mental math–the full moon was last night, what does James have to look so tired about?  With Remus out of commission, they’re hardly getting up to elaborate shenanigans without him.

James Potter, for three nights a month, is beyond reproach.  Impeccable, in fact.  McGonagall half recommends him because she thinks he’s genuinely improving with the weight of responsibility and half because…come on, she just has to.  She has to.  No one is more horrified than James Potter himself when he gets the letter.

The thing about the Dursleys…they’re terrible and Minerva dislikes them supremely and she COULD go herself but she suspects that it won’t get them any further.  So she enchants two dozen quills to write identical copies of Harry’s letter and comes up with every terrible idea she can to make their lives miserable.  Because fuck them, that’s why.

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends awful just awful I’m sorry

McGonagall has a list of students that she never meant to start keeping.  It started years ago, by accident, when she opened the Daily Prophet and saw a name on the front page–little Jacob Hanover, a Muggleborn fourth year who was murdered in the street when the Death Eaters first started to rise.  He was a sweet boy, with a wicked sense of humor and an eye for Charms that was downright ingenious.  He had tried to defend himself, a Gryffindor at the end even though his House had been something of a quiet mystery, but it hadn’t helped.  The list is long, grows by the day, but then…oh, then it stops, with four names inscribed at the bottom on the same date–James Potter, Lily Evans Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black.  

(The boy she remembers, the boy who had three times been given detention for calling her ‘Minnie’ to her face, the boy who had once sent every Black in Slytherin an identical Howler full of insults, the boy who had laughed at his best friend’s wedding and danced the bride around in circles until they were both dizzy–he’s dead, she decides the second she gets the news.  He’s dead, and he died when he betrayed his friends.  She has no idea that the boy wishes the same thing, with all his heart.)  

The book containing the list leaves the corner of her desk where she’s kept it all this time, and she puts it on a bookshelf with every intent of never opening it again.  The war is over and she will not lose more students to that monster’s mania.  Minerva McGonagall will not raise another generation of children to march into battle.

Thirteen years later, she opens a book from her bookshelf and very sternly does not cry as she adds another name.  Cedric Diggory.  Flipping through the remaining pages, Minerva has a terrible premonition–there will be a lot more names before this is done.  


Alternatively: Minerva McGonagall attends Lily and James’ funeral.  The child reaching into the coffins, calling in confused distress for Mama and Daddy is bad enough, but she has never seen anything more heartbreaking than Remus Lupin, standing alone in the front row and clutching blindly at the photograph in his hands–the whole lot of them, the Marauders and Lily, at the wedding all those years ago.  They’re smiling in the picture.  Remus, three of his best friends murdered at the behest of the fourth, looks like he’ll never smile again.  That’s what breaks Minerva, finally, and sets her sobbing into her hands.

Eleven years later, Harry Potter looks her in the eye (he looks so much like his parents) and says that he and Ron miss Hermione, so much, please, they just want to see her, even if she can’t hear them.  Even if she’s Petrified.  

McGonagall knows when she’s being played, she does, but right then…pale and desperate and a little griefstricken, Harry doesn’t look like James, or Lily, or even wild and proud Sirius.  He looks like Remus, looking for friends who are far outside his reach.  She lets him and Ron go.

D:  what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

MCGONAGALL HAS A WIFE, SHE’S CHARMING, CANON CAN SUCK A DICK.

believeinprongs:

i’m just sitting here dying of laughter thinking about McGonagall looking over Harry in first year like yeah the kid gets into some dangerous shenanigans but it always seems to be for a greater purpose and his heart’s in the right place and he’s so sweet and quiet usually, clearly he takes after his mother Lily thank goodness this is good this boy is good 

and then dead ass one year later kid shows up to school crashing into a tree with his bestie in a flying car instead of just owling the damn school that they’d missed the train and she’s just like DING DONG I WAS WRONG

(via littlestartopaz)

doublel27:
“ popelizbet-blog:
“ dalekofchaos:
“ fleamontpotter:
“has anyone ever before been so comprehensively torn to shreds in their life tho
”
My favorite part about that line is that it implies that Gilderoy Lockhart was a more competent teacher...

doublel27:

popelizbet-blog:

dalekofchaos:

fleamontpotter:

has anyone ever before been so comprehensively torn to shreds in their life tho

My favorite part about that line is that it implies that Gilderoy Lockhart was a more competent teacher than Dolores Umbridge. And that may be the biggest insult in the entire series.

And the triple burn goes to Minerva, because while we, the readers, aren’t anti-werewolf, Umbridge is and she knows full well who taught Harry in his third year.

Professor Quierrel while possessed by Voldemort, Gilderoy Lockhart, Remus Lupin and Barty Crouch Jr. pretending to be Mad Eye Moody were all more competent Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers.

As readers, we all know that Remus was the best. But the insult to Umbridge over all four…it’s delicious.

(via littlestartopaz)

harry potter books rated by mcgonagall

  • sorcerer's/philosopher's stone: cries for james and lily, also absolutely cannot believe that dumbledore is leaving a baby on a porch in england in november. 8/10
  • chamber of secrets: condescends lockhart into going into the chamber alone, then turns around and is like "great so that got rid of him" 10/10
  • prisoner of azkaban: "you look to be in perfect health to me, potter, so i'm sure you won't mind me setting you homework. i assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in." bamf. says "not today" to the god of death." 11/10
  • goblet of fire: there's that one time she puts a hand on harry's shoulder while her voice shakes. lov it lov her. 9/10
  • order of the phoenix: unfortunately is part of the union of "adults denying traumatized harry any information." this, however, is offset by "have a biscuit, potter." 7/10
  • half-blood prince: in her temporary stint as headmistress, she gets more done than dumbledore did in fifty years. amazing. 100/10
  • deathly hallows: OH BOY. TALK SHIT GET HIT. MCGEE IN THE HOUSE HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP. 10000/10

mira-of-sassgard:

oceansideopus:

roachpatrol:

ao3sburbanite:

roachpatrol:

roachpatrol:

“I’m disgusted,” said Professor McGonagall. “Four students out of bed in one night! I’ve never heard of such a thing before!”

(from the philosopher’s stone)

minerva you fucking liar

so ok i bet minerva’s spent like the last thirty years pretending to students that their transgressions are totally unique new crimes just to really shame them

sneaking off to the astronomy tower to make out? she’s never heard of such a thing before. sneaking into the herbology greenhouses to find something to get high on? she’s never heard of such a thing before. sneaking off to the forbidden forest to make out and get high? she’s never heard of such a thing before. sneaking off to the kitchens for midnight snack parties (while high and making out)? she’s never heard of such a thing before. trying to sneak back into the tower via flying a broom through an outside window after a previously successful night of misdoing? she’s never heard of such a thing before and neither has the pink lady. 

not since she was in school and doing all that herself, anyway. 

This is literally what teachers do. 

They have to make it seem like every misbehaviour is new and shocking because if they just went “damn son that’s nothing, when I was your age I jumped off the school roof and yelled fuck all the way down” it would be impossible to give them detention for throwing a pen across the room.

I was once in a lesson during my teacher training where a kid left a drawing of a dick on the teacher’s chair and she acted like the kid had killed her puppy in front of her. After the lesson we both laughed our asses off about it, she wasn’t insulted in the least, it just wasn’t acceptable behaviour.

Tl;dr Minerva is being a great teacher, and she’s probably got a poll going with the other staff at Hogwarts as to what crazy shit Harry and Co. will do next. 

yes i love this. she probably got back to the staff room and was like ‘ALRIGHT, LET’S MARK IT DOWN, I JUST CAUGHT POTTER THE SEQUEL SNEAKING OUT ON A MISADVENTURE WITH HIS LITTLE FRIENDS,’ and everyone groans and rummages in their pockets to settle their bets. 

Potter the Sequel

Still losing it about potter sequel

(via lupinatic)

pissedoffweasley:
“ wizardingheadcanon:
“ kyraneko:
“ elidyce:
“ thatgirlonstage:
“ fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:
“ sirlestrange:
“ #that is a human as a rat as a cup
”
That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.
”
Can you imagine how differently their lives...

pissedoffweasley:

wizardingheadcanon:

kyraneko:

elidyce:

thatgirlonstage:

fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:

sirlestrange:

#that is a human as a rat as a cup

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?
Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.
Take a moment.

Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die.

Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.

What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.

Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).

Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.

Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.

And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.

Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.

-

Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.

Scabbers had not become a teacup.

Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.

It was moving.

Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong.

Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time.

He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.”

“Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.”

It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either.

Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk.

“Um, Professor?”

Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?”

“Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?”

“I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.

Nothing happened.

Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.

“Now that’s odd,” she said softly.

As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.

She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!”

And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.

-

Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.

Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade.

Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.

The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand.

-

Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.

He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.

From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.

-

Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand.

Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared.

-

Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.

-

Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall.

Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.

Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.

And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.

In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?”

She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.

“Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.”

-

The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time.

Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.

Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”)

And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.

A personal record.

I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now

I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced

(Source: hchlns, via windbladess)

blakesmilitia:

tinymalfoy:

let’s be real if harry was raised by mcgonagall he would not only be the most badass kid at hogwarts, he would be the most polite, and the sweetest, and would probably have neater hair, not to mention he would most likely kill voldemort at age eleven and still meet minerva for tea with the time to spare

harry: mama, just killed a man
minerva: have a biscuit

(via thepainofthesass)

nearlyheadlessfinnick:

I just imagined Sirius being called out to sorting and the hat getting ready to shout SLYTHERIN! almost before even touching one of Sirius’ hair - just like it has done for every Black and Malfoy for centuries- and then suddenly all he hears is this eleven year old thinking “Don’t you fucking dare”

And the Hat is like.

“Well.  That’s a ballsy move if I ever saw one.  Your family’s going to murder you.”

“I don’t care,” Sirius mutters under his breath.

“Well, if you’re sure…better be GRYFFINDOR.”

The Hall is dead silent as this skinny little eleven year old marches to the Gryffindor table and sits his ass down.

There’s muttering at the Slytherin table about it having been some kind of mistake.  At the Gryffindor table too.  McGonagall gets the Sorting back under way, and people are a lot less interested in who’s under the Hat now–everyone knows about the Ancient and Noble House of Black by their second year, and the batch of confused first year Muggleborns is being educated rapidly by their pureblood and halfblood peers.

James Potter goes up–there’ve been two more boys Sorted into Gryffindor, three girls, and the Lions barely remembered to cheer–and to the shock of absolutely no one, gets Sorted into the House of the brave as soon as the Hat touches his head, just like the rest of his family.  It’s the first thing that’s really gone to plan so far.

He hands the Hat back to McGonagall and proves his Sorting almost at once when he sits down next to Sirius and raises his voice to be heard over the resumed Sorting when he says, “So you got Gryffindor just like you wanted, that’s great!  Ignore those tossers,” he continues with a broad gesture to the Slytherin table, where almost Sirius’ entire family is glaring at the pair of them, “they’re just sour.”

“No shouting during the Sorting, Mister Poter,” McGonagall says.

“Yes, Professor,” James says, and immediately turns back to Sirius.

Sirius lets James needle him into a grin, and James scowls pointedly at the rest of Gryffindor House when Sirius’ back is turned, dragging the other boys from their year into the conversation as soon as food is placed out.  

McGonagall feels what a more superstitious woman would call a premonition of doom.

(via lilypcttr)

wolfstardreams:

believeinprongs:

i’m just sitting here dying of laughter thinking about McGonagall looking over Harry in first year like yeah the kid gets into some dangerous shenanigans but it always seems to be for a greater purpose and his heart’s in the right place and he’s so sweet and quiet usually, clearly he takes after his mother Lily thank goodness this is good this boy is good 

and then dead ass one year later kid shows up to school crashing into a tree with his bestie in a flying car instead of just owling the damn school that they’d missed the train and she’s just like DING DONG I WAS WRONG

in second year, she remembered harry is also james potter’s son 

(via academicfeminist)

dracosferret:

#minerva mcgonagall is too old for this shit

(via lupinatic)