gwendolinechristie:
“
”

icexxxtea:

faleep:

pinkifingers:

john-egberts-floating-arms:

rick-sanchez:

camiekahle:

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND THIS FOR SEVEN YEARS

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ?????

I’m fucking dying

That last fatal scream tho

IT IS BACK ON MY DASH
THIS POST NEVER DIES
WHO EVER PUT THIS UP IS A GOD.

THE TERROR IN HIS SCREAM OH GOSH

(Source: dieonsunset, via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

justlookatthosesausages:

invisiblespork:

ohhowlucky:

danteogodofsoup:

killbenedictcumberbatch:

standupcomedyblog:

John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner

THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE

GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY

This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.

[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited. 

Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright? 

Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…

BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’

Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven What’s New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.

And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’ 

They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]

reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg

(Source: secretoctopus, via im-lost-but-not-gone)

speckeltail:
“ breastforce:
“ pizzaback:
“ itsfullofstars:
“ EARTH NOW HAS A QUASI-MOON “Astronomers have detected a small asteroid that doesn’t seem to want to go away. Called a quasi-satellite, this new companion circles around the Earth as it...

speckeltail:

breastforce:

pizzaback:

itsfullofstars:

EARTH NOW HAS A QUASI-MOON

Astronomers have detected a small asteroid that doesn’t seem to want to go away. Called a quasi-satellite, this new companion circles around the Earth as it orbits the sun—and it’s going to stay that way for the next few hundred years.

new friend

i’m glad The Moon found herself a gf

can we name it sokka

slutofsubstance:

thevoiceofbenedictcumberbatch:

the-vashta-natasha:

I think we need to invent a game called ‘shatner’

Someone yells ‘SHATNER’ at you and then you have to overact whatever you were doing

image

i am in

(Source: super-duper-skrull-blog, via ailleee)

viperofsand asked: BUT HOW DOES HAMILTON REACT AT THE 'I AM YOUR FATHER' REVEAL? (Because I am sure he got into Star Wars knowing nothing like Jon Snow)

buckygreyjoy:

peradii:

I’m going to combine this with @calltomuster‘s request for hamifeels 

The first time he watches television they stare at him, rapt, as though the expect him to reel back and cry witchcraft! or else swoon like a maiden in the high heat of June. He is astonished, yes, but he does not permit himself to gawp like a savage; he says, instead, “How does it work?” It is something to do with tubes and light and satellites, apparently. Quite, quite remarkable. 

The films come next. Popular culture, they call it, and once again Hamilton is struck that although man has progressed in technology the stories he tells are always the same: of love and women and blood and glory. Of course, there are some small alterations: he is first scandalised, then gratified, at the quantity of nudity onscreen – likewise with the depiction of same-sex intercourse. Tony Stark seems shocked when he watches Queer as Folk and does not immediately go to the confessional. Didn’t you study history at all, he hears Sam  gloat, didn’t you read his letters.

“My children burned the good ones,” says Hamilton, smirking (and saddened, of course he is saddened; Laurens is long-gone; how he wishes he could read his sweet words again –)

Anyway. The films. “This is a classic,” says Steve Rogers. Hamilton was offered a floor in Stark Tower; he refused for several reasons, most prominent among them the fact that he despises Tony Stark and cannot bear to be anywhere near the yammering arrogant man who believes that his way is the only correct way of conducting business (what do you mean? This is not ironic, not in the slightest. Hamilton is nothing like Stark: he is certain of his own rightness, perhaps, but that is because he actually is right.)

Instead, he has rented a room in Brooklyn, sharing an apartment with Steve Rogers and his paramour Bucky Barnes. Not that they use the word paramour. Not that they even acknowledge that they live together. A strange pair, so devoted to each other that they never need speak devotion aloud: it is communicated entirely in their longing glances and lingering touches. That, and the obnoxiously loud coupling every night. On the third night of interrupted work, Hamilton recorded the racket and threatened to release it to the press if they did not keep it down

They obliged, though Steve had the temerity to say, “Shouldn’t you be asleep at three am?” and Hamilton said nothing, only fixed him with the shadowed angry glower of a man who has just discovered the wonders of modern-day coffee. 

“What is it?”

“Star Wars,” says Bucky, grinning. He smiles a lot now – and every time Steve looks at him like the expression is a rare and treasured thing. Perhaps it is. Hamilton thinks of Eliza, Laurens, Philip and aches. All he loves is dead and gone – but he has his work, his legacy, time. He can endures. If there’s a reason I’m still alive, when all who love me have died – then I’ll get the job done. Something like that. He struggles to remember the lyrics. 

(This is a lie. He’s seen it eleven times. He knows every word off by heart. He has written Miranda lengthy essays on the points he got wrong.)

‘Star Wars’ may be set in the far reaches of space but it is, at its heart, a fairy story. Lost princes and princesses, tales of liberty and tyranny. Hamilton loves it.

“I am your father,” says the mechanised Vader to young Luke Skywalker (nineteen and dreaming of glory) and Hamilton’s eyes grow wide. Afterwards, he says:

“He didn’t deserve redemption.”

“What – Vader? Well –” and Steve looks like he’s about to launch into a spiel about love and doing terrible things for it, but Bucky taps his elbow. By an unspoken accord, he  lapses into silence. 

“He failed his son – he let him make the same mistakes he did, fall into a life of violence and blood and war. He abandoned him,” and Steve thinks how Hamilton’s father left him and his mother on some scrap of land in the Caribbean and maybe it is that –

– but then he thinks: there was once a boy who died in a duel to defend his father’s honour. And there was once a father who outlived all his children. A man who died, leaving a widow to raise eight babes alone. A man who returned when the battles had been fought and won. 

He places a hand on Hamilton’s shoulder. He does not speak. What could he possibly say?

why would you do that to my heart it did NOTHING to you

WILDLY uncalled for.

Anonymous asked: But what if like exchanging different foods is how you get married on ALL desert planets in the Star Wars universe? Who does Anakin accidentally marry? Who does Shmi accidentally marry? Who does Luke accidentally marry?

suzukiblu:

Anakin and Padmé have literally been married since they were nine and fourteen; he’s VERY confused when she insists they have to get married AGAIN, but maybe that’s a Naboo thing?  

-

“I’m sorry, I thought–you’re not already married, are you?” Cliegg asks worriedly, and Shmi gets a brief, wistful look on her face, thinking of a long-ago dinner table and the long, long-gone man who’d eaten her food and taken her Ani to a better life, who’d left her an empty house and half a box of rations from some far-off planet she will never see. 

“No, he … he’s passed on, now,” she replies quietly. “And anyway, it wasn’t his people’s way.” 

-

“Um,” Luke says, turning bright red. Lando gives him a puzzled look in return, wagging the mug of space hot chocolate he’s holding out to him. 

“Yes or no, kid?” he asks, raising a pointed eyebrow. 

“Yes!” Luke blurts, then looks horrified at himself, grabs the hot chocolate, and leaves. He comes back twenty minutes later with a triumphant, glowing expression and a bottle of Lando’s favorite space wine, which–odd, kind of, but Lando is NOT complaining. 

I am so enamored of the sand orphans thing.

areyoucoldflash:
“ sickstuntssteve:
“ jcoleknowsbest:
“ black-geek-supremacy:
“ destinyrush:
“ nevaehtyler:
“ Why aren’t we talking about this??!!
”
this is important!
”
We know why.
”
It doesn’t fit the narrative..
”
Can we get this dude a...

areyoucoldflash:

sickstuntssteve:

jcoleknowsbest:

black-geek-supremacy:

destinyrush:

nevaehtyler:

Why aren’t we talking about this??!!

this is important!

We know why.

It doesn’t fit the narrative..

Can we get this dude a kickstarter to raise enough for a high-end meal and cab fare for him and his family? He clearly deserves it.

(Marine Corps Times article) (CBS news story)

“By creating the exit, Yousuf estimated that about 70 people were able to get out of the nightclub safely.” He saved 70 people. That’s 70 more people that could have died that night. This is so important.

(via littlestartopaz)

cmdrcody2224:

the-last-hair-bender:

Okay so, I know that in military culture, those in combat trade cigarettes and candy and bits from their MRE’s between each other.

So tell me, what do the clones trade do they pick up little things from the planets they visit? A pretty rock, a funny shaped nut pod? Do they trade ammo, or personalized boot knives or hand held blasters?

What do the clones use as a bartering system?

Yes hello, as someone who spent nearly all of my adult life in the military let me be the first to tell you that we didn’t borrow or trade stuff…we stole it. Mostly from other battalions, like you wouldn’t believe the rivalry. And this was done blatantly as a fuck you to the other units.

Seriously. My company had this huge rivalry with the transportation unit cause they were a bunch of lazy fuck offs and were never around when needed, so one night we snuck into their company area and stole all their toilet paper and printer paper, and drew a giant dick in the sand where they did pt

THEY. WERE. PISSED. You’ve never seen anger like that of a soldier who needs to shit because he ate the mystery meat at the dfac (dining facility) and can’t because there’s no toilet paper. It was a full fledged war from company commander to the newest private.

So…imagine that but with clones lol

(via windbladess)