more adventures of hamilton in the mcu

peradii:

  • He wakes up and the first word he hears is  wait! and his lips start to form the word burr? but then he sees the speaker: a woman with red hair wearing something obscenely, splendidly tight and he wonders if this is heaven and God is more of a tomcat that he suspected – but then he tries to move and pain flares down his spine, one greedy white jag, and he amends his original assessment: this is Hell, surely. “Pray tell,” he says, “where am I?” and the woman is joined by a sandy-haired man with some strange flesh-coloured apparatus curling around his ears. “New York,” says the man, “who’re you?” The man has a bow. The arrow is notched and aimed at Hamilton’s face. It is frightfully, laughably primitive – but then again the Indian braves have done much damage to westbound farmers with less and so Hamilton bites his tongue on some of his more hysterical questions and says, “My name is Alexander Hamilton. I’m at your service, sir.”
  • They tell him where he is. He does not believe them. They tell him when he is and he does not believe them – just a moment ago, just a moment ago, there was Burr, the gunshot, the smoke and the blood and I died I died I heard my heart lurch to a stop I saw God, the great beyond and –
  • They say a lot of words. There is a man in a slim black suit with obnoxious facial hair and he talks far too much and Hamilton is too quivery and out-of-place to understand the absurdity of such a condemnation (Hamilton says Tony Stark talks too much; in other news, a garden pond accuses the Atlantic of being overly wet.) He understands. He weeps. His children are dead, his grandchildren are dead. His legacy is –
    • there’s a musical, says Stark in a hush to Captain America (tall and blonde and how ridiculous, how perfectly absurd, this nation should not have saints or idols or – )
    • “A musical?” 
  • There is a musical. There are books and television and the internet – God help the modern world, Hamilton learns about the internet and the first thing he does is write a twenty five thousand word blog on why the memory of Jefferson is overrated and false. He gets Jarvis to proofread it. He gets Jarvis to stick it on the New York Times and there’s a mass panic about someone hacking into the website for the sole purpose of slagging off a long-dead Founding Father. Nick Fury explains about firewalls and internet security. Hamilton rants at him – the Avengers listen through the door, hear things like Sally Hemings and how would you feel if the worst person you knew was remembered a hero and the article is taken down but somehow, somehow Hamilton learns what a blog is. 
  • Things Hamilton loves about the modern world: twitter, blogging, Lin Manuel Miranda, swearing, loose sexual morality, Starbucks, minimal slavery (it still counts, he says hotly, in Africa and Asian it’s still there it isn’t gone yet – )
  • Yes he meets Lin Manuel Miranda. He rebukes him at length about inaccuracies. He thanks him. He sees his own play fifteen times and starts thinking about a sequel. 
  • Oh yes. There’s a sequel. 
  • Because the fact of the matter is this: Clinton’s corrupt and Sanders is well-meaning but doesn’t have the support and Trump is just…well. Hamilton breaks his nose and writes op-eds for every paper in the country declaring why he was right to do so. 
  • Look: American politics is a mess. And in comes the Founding Father Without A Father, the Bastard Son of a Whore and he says: so what did I miss?
  • And he claps his hands and grins and says I’m not throwing away my shot and the internet goes mad and the public goes mad and no one is saying he’ll win this election but the next one, oh the next one. Four years is an eternity in politics and Senator Hamilton has the one thing he needed most: more time. 

(via skymurdock)

ekjohnston:

derinthemadscientist:

writing-prompt-s:

Four roommates are extraterrestrials who have taken human form in the hopes of learning about Earth’s culture. Unfortunately, each alien is from a different planet and believes the other three are normal humans.

I would read this

OH MY GOD

Forget reading this, I would watch a seven season TV show about this.

Religiously.

(via ailleee)

justmargaret:

ruf1oh-n1tram:

lascocks:

Throw me over your shoulder and carry me off to Valhalla you viking goddess.

For anyone who doesn’t know: The name of this adorable ‘viking goddess’ is Samantha Wright

Yes, she might be showing up in the 2016 olympics.

And yes, she is always this cute.

Samantha Wright is an adorable combination of the Hulk and Tinkerbell.

I would like to suggest Samantha Wright as a new fancast for the female Thor.  Yes, or yes?

(via littlestartopaz)

stitchyarts:
“ ~^*^~ Long Lost Space Prince Finn ~^*^~ aka a trope i crave
”

stitchyarts:

~^*^~ Long Lost Space Prince Finn ~^*^~  aka a trope i crave

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

northcentralpositronics:

northcentralpositronics:

freyadragonlord:

radio-freedunmovin:

answersfromvanaheim:

sapphichands:

hobbitcreampuff:

But what about vampire history teachers. Vampires who read something from a text book then proceed to light the book on fire and throw it out the window because “No. that’s not even close to what really happened. Listen up nerds I’m about to teach you what really happened in France during the revolution”

I need this as a series

Vampires sharing the recipe for Greek fire.

Vampires speaking in dead languages.

Vampires being able to translate untranslatable scripts.

Vampires who react to straightwashing historical figures like “Are you kidding me everyone knew that man was queer!”

Vampires from cultures who were once antagonistic towards each other stubbornly maintaining a friendship that’s lasted longer than their civilizations.

Vampires who honour forgotten deities you won’t find in mythology books.

Also, vampires who secretly saved stuff from the Library of Alexandra.

A vampire show that does not revolve all around sex and eternal cursed love.

nerd vampire whose knowledge of current events is terrible but they can always remember everything that’s considered “history” so they have a super-detailed knowledge of everything up to about thirty years ago and then ?????

vampire who couldn’t tell you what caravaggio was known for but duelled with him at least three times and slept with him at least ten. “cara-who OH YOU MEAN MICHAEL yeah he was cool”

vampire who spent 100 years in a convent and is still so bitter that in all that time they never made her mother superior “GODDAMMIT I HAD SENIORITY! I HAD SENIORITY!” “okay so first off janet, that was six hundred years ago, but more importantly, maybe if you didn’t always start those complaints off with blasphemy…”

vampire professor who just sort of showed up at oxford when it was founded and is still there (and nobody’s noticed because he still never actually shows up to his lectures)

vampire politician who lifts all their campaign speeches wholesale from speeches given 200 years ago and just waits for someone to catch them out (nobody ever does they’re prime minister and their approval ratings are through the roof)

WAIT I HAVE MORE

queer vampire who constantly talks about the fashion for straightness and you need to be really careful because if you tell them straight is default they WILL scream at you for five days straight about what a modern concept heterosexuality is

vampire hoarder who has an entire town where they just kept having to buy new houses to keep their stuff in and some of it’s probably worth tens of millions by now but you’ll never find it in among the 1950s kitschy kitten sculptures and boxes of newspaper (the newspaper is a wonderful mix of yesterday’s guardian and daily courants from 1725)

vampire sailor from manderville’s time who just has so many stories and some of them might even be true

vampire bluestocking girl who took to the internet like a fish to water and spends her whole unlife engaging reddit antifeminists about women’s rights because that’s one fight she’s determined to see through. also with the advent of cheap dyes she literally wears blue socks every day and hopes one day someone gets the joke

vampire doctor who just gets SO CONFUSED about the literature because do you know how hard it is to keep up with medicine kevin? when i got my doctorate we thought leeches were good and then they were bad and now they’re good again? i was published in issue one of the lancet kevin that is 387 lancets kevin how the hell am i meant to remember which one’s current kevin why are they saying cannabis is good for pain like this is news??? (but also lives in a state of wonderment every day in hospital because wow look at all this stuff we can do now look at it kevin!)

entire coven of vampires constantly quibbling over manners because they’re all from different periods: “HATS OFF AT TABLE” “SCREW YOU LEONARD ONLY PEASANTS EAT BAREHEADED” “TABITHA THAT HASN’T BEEN GOOD MANNERS SINCE THE 1500S NOBODY HAS LICE ANY MORE” “IT ISN’T ABOUT LICE LEONARD IT’S ABOUT GOOD MANNERS YOU NEED TO HAVE GOOD MANNERS WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER” “I SWEAR TO GOD TABITHA IF YOU MAKE THAT PUN ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHOVE YOUR STUPID HAT DOWN YOUR THROAT”

(Source: haughtssockgun, via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

knitmeapony:

unpretty:

wayne enterprises almost certainly has clothing as one of their retail subsidiaries and i like to imagine it getting really profitable just because bruce spends so much time listening to models bitch at parties. all of their product lines have names like “It Has Real Pockets” and “Not See-Through” and “Full-Length Sleeves” and “Secret Elastic Waist”. the marketing department is like “okay obviously these are all working titles” and bruce is like “no. leave it. that is what it’s called.” and they try to talk him out of it but he owns a helicopter and you can’t argue with a man who owns a helicopter. they sell so fast. the women of gotham are well-dressed and comfortable and always have somewhere to keep their phones.

The tags are also gold: 

#original#the problems they are solving get more obscure as time goes on#jeans forgiving enough that you can kick someone in the face#reinforced thighs to account for friction#boyfriend jeans renamed comfy jeans#Won’t Show Your Bra#More Than One Size#it starts as a whim he just emails whoever is in charge of that department like#‘for the love of god just give them some fucking pockets’#if anyone appreciates the importance of pockets it’s batman#look at his belt#being without pockets is like his nightmare#if he has to help one more person figure out where in his enormous fucking mansion they left their fucking clutch#that they only brought because they didn’t have any goddamn pockets#he’s not going to be mad but he’ll be disappointed#wayne enterprises with bruce at the head sees a huge increase in profits and sometimes it is for the weirdest fucking reasons#am i the only one who wishes everything had an elastic waist#but secretly so i can still look classy

You know what, I’m moving to Gotham.  I’ll start carrying a crowbar and get hella life insurance.  It’s worth dealing with the occasional serial murderer for clothes with pockets.

(via thepainofthesass)

regional differences

copperbadge:

hyvetyrant:

idiopathicsmile:

pfdiva:

vulgarweed:

adramofpoison:

idiopathicsmile:

“oh hey,” she said, “it’s a really touristy area, but since you’re gonna be passing through anyway, you might as well stop by pier 29, see the dragons. also, there’s a—”

“hold on,” i said. “i knew your city had mountains, but. dragons? uh, actual living dragons?”

“dude, it’s not a big deal. they’re there all the time. of course they’re majestic and everything, but they’re loud and cranky and mostly they lie around eating garbage. now and then the city council will talk about trying to make them roost somewhere else, but—”

“dragons,” i repeated. i knew it was making me sound like a rube, but it was a lot to take in. “you live in a city that has dragons.”

“no, it’s cool, we used to go see them when i was a little kid. it’s worth doing. but that whole area is mostly dragon-themed gift shops, and the commercialization is kind of a bummer. also, sometimes a dragon will melt somebody’s car and it’s a whole problem.”

“fairytale-style, giant scaly fire-breathing dragons.”

“honestly, i forget other cities don’t have them?” she said. “there’s a few other sites on the west coast where they gather. portland calls them wyverns, but that’s a portland thing.”

“chicago’s got, like, bunnies and songbirds,” i told her, “but otherwise it’s just your typical vermin. pigeons, rats, sphinxes—”

“sphinxes? what the hell.

“oh, yeah, they nest in the el tunnels. sometimes a fucking sphinx will flap down out of nowhere, bring the whole train to a halt until the front car answers a riddle.”

“that sounds exciting,” she said.

“it’s the worst. your train winds up being twenty minutes late, and you just have to hang out hoping somebody up there read their mythology. there’s supposed to be a program where the conductors get trained in riddling, but i don’t know. rahm emmanuel keeps saying it’s not a budget priority.”

“huh,” she said. “guess the grass is always greener and all that. but on some level, it’s nice to remember that even with all these big box stores, the country still has some variety left in it.”

“yeah, did you know that in rhode island they call water fountains ‘bubblers’?” i said.

“whoa, seriously?”

“i read it somewhere. crazy, right?”

“crazy.”

i am here for urbanized mythological creatures

Switzerland has a lot of dragons, but dragons have long since moved on from collecting gold. There’s a purply-scaley one that roosts behind the Mad Mex that refuses to stop hoarding signposts. The city uses banners for the main roads and sells a lot of maps.

Golems love cities–with their stone buildings and sidewalks. There are strict laws about what one is allowed to say to them, because golems tend to be rather literal and very obedient. There’s always one kid who thinks he knows better. He doesn’t. 

OH MY GOD THE CHICAGO SPHINXES, DON’T GET ME STARTED. Here’s the thing. When you buy your Ventra card at the machine - which is another one of Rahm’s scams, leasing that out to a private company, wtf was he thinking - it’s supposed to have the answer to the riddle on it, right? The sphinx is supposed to scan the bar code and let the train through.

that never fucking happens. Especially on the Blue Line which is down for maintenance all the time and constantly switching tracks and running shuttles, which means half the time you’ve got a sphinx that came over from the fucking Orange Line or some shit and is full of riddles that only the Irish mooks from Bridgeport understand. Or it’s in Polish only. Or it’s got a glitch that makes it stutter and if you interrupt it, it’ll get snippy and bite your head off. LITERALLY. They hush it up but it happens. Businesses lose millions from sphinx-related tardiness every year.

And then there’s a case back in ‘96 when it was proven after the fact that the “wrong” answer the Red Line Sphinx got was actually A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE REGIONAL VARIATION but by then, the Sphinx had already eaten half a car full of drunken Cubs fans. I know, not much of value was lost there, BUT STILL.

You think SPHINXES are bad?  Detroit has imps, thousands of them, and you know what they love?  Buses.  You know the major form of public transit in Detroit is?  BUSES.  So the drivers have to literally shoo away imps at every fucking stop, making them 30 minutes late, an HOUR late, and it’s not like there’s anything you can DO, because they’re all leftover from when the car companies were big, and ALL OF THOSE FUCKERS CLOSED.

So of course there were hundreds of orphaned imps, and they kept SAYING they were going to reopen the factories, or at least get some good junkyards, but nooooooooo, they never did, so the imps just bred and bred, and now they’re all over every bus and it’s not like you can ever count on getting anywhere on time and long story short, I’d take a sphinx over imps ANY day.

yeah as someone who did high school and college in michigan and now lives in chicago, i have to say that as far as the age-old sphinxes vs imps debate goes, they’re both terrible in different ways. the imps are way more common and they probably have a wider total reach, and oh my god nothing like trying to board a bus already covered in those little suckers when said bus is already forty minutes late—

(sidenote: ugh people from bloomfield hills saying stuff like “well if i lived in detroit, i’d have the sense to carry around a nice heavy club or walking stick—” yeah dude good luck with your walking stick against two dozen imps)

but the sphinxes. let’s not, uh, sugar coat this: the sphinxes don’t just slow commuters, they kill people. and yes, if you know the riddle, you’re fine. but what if someone else offers their answer first? what if you get some overly cocky freshman philosophy major who takes it upon himself to answer for the whole car?

i think in the back of our minds, all chicagoans know that rahm emmanuel’s administration isn’t gonna lift a finger until one of the sphinxes goes after a wealthy tourist and it makes national news. and even then, we’ll get, like, flashy riddle-solving software installed in all the red line trains, and maybe the brown line, but no way is it gonna cover the whole infrastructure.

basically if you ever need to take the green line or the pink line, you wanna start studying your classical mythology and folklore fucking yesterday.

@copperbadge do puns work on Sphinxes as well as riddles?

You bet your sphinxter they do. 

(Sphinxes hate that one but they’re obliged to honor it.)

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

mishacakes:

Finally! Here’s my contribution to the Valor Anthology, “Bride of the Rose Beast”. Valor is a book I’m still so happy and honored to be a part of, and you can still get the 300+ page ebook HERE for $5! Enjoy!

(via determamfidd)

lifeanddeathofajaegerpilot:

screechthemighty:

I just remembered that everyone in Pacific Rim would’ve seen The Force Awakens and I just

> Newt lets Hermann borrow his jacket one time because it’s cold and Hermann forgot his. Hermann goes to give it back later. Newt looks him dead in the eyes. “Keep it. It suits you.” Silence follows. Newt can’t keep a straight face. Hermann walks away with the look of a man who has suffered through fifty Star Wars references this week already, and will likely suffer through fifty more before it’s over.

> Tendo opening awkward conversations with “So, who talks first? Do you talk first? I talk first?”

> Back when he was working the Wall, Raleigh sometimes muttered “one quarter portion” when he got his ration card at the end of the day. 

> “The garbage will do” becomes a running gag among the Jaeger program has they have to resort to jury-rigging shit and settling for things that better fit their increasingly diminishing budget.

> Mako has all the blueprints to make a fully functioning BB-8 replica. She just never got around to building it. She was totally going to enlist Hermann to help with the programming, too.

> Newt referring to the increasing size and power of the Kaiju as “some Starkiller Base overkill bullshit.”

> “THAT’S NOT HOW THE DRIFT WORKS.”

I still haven’t seen it and I need to jump on the pacrim/force awakens bandwagon fast.

(via primarybufferpanel)

Anonymous asked: picture this: an underestimated finn rescuing rey and poe. people in the resistance would focus more on how nice and helpful and head over heels for rey and poe he is, not on how deadly he actually this. so when the last jedi and the commander of black squadron are kidnapped, no one thinks about finn until he's vanished. and he returns a few days later going "yeah i saved them. btw, here's all the data on their networks. i killed all the soldiers, so i hope this is enough."

suzukiblu:

Leia is so proud. Everyone else in the Resistance is half-terrified and half in shock (aside from Rey and Poe who are both just like “yup this is pretty SOP for being in enemy hands when Finn does not want us in enemy hands, not new territory here”), but Leia is just SO PROUD. 

Somewhere Phasma is surveying the carnage and is S U F F E R I N G. She could’ve had that soldier. Did she really just have to keep that idiot Slip alive and encourage Nines and Zeroes to fraternize a bit and she could’ve kept that soldier? REALLY, WAS THAT ALL IT WOULD’VE TAKEN TO GET RESULTS LIKE THESE ON THEIR SIDE?? BECAUSE SHE WOULD’VE DONE THAT, FOR RESULTS LIKE THESE. 

Hux shows up all baffled and pissed off like “wtf happened HERE” and Phasma is just like “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT”.